Boyfriend left me home alone and sick

[sgbtra]

Okay so I've been with this guy for 4 months.

 

We had plans today to spend the day together, then go out tonight with his friends. So we have spent the day together, and ate lunch at this particular restaurant.

 

However after lunch, I became quite ill with really bad stomach pains, and ended up vomiting. He said he doesn't think I should go out tonight (which is a fair call), he said I should just stay home and rest. I'll admit, I'm feeling like crap and I don't look well, so I think staying home is a good idea.

 

The thing is, he has gone on out without me, even though I'm quite ill and vomiting - as he was leaving he was like, get plenty of rest, and I'll bring you some heartburn medication next week when I see you.

 

Am I wrong for feeling a little sad he would still go out with his friends and leave me here sick? I do want him to go and have a good time, however if the roles were reversed I most likely would cancel on my friends to take care of him.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? Am I wrong to feel a little upset, or am I too demanding.

[Gloria25]

Just curious, would you have the same expectations from a friend?

[Phoe]

I dunno, when I'm sick I expect a guy to steer clear of me because they don't want what I've got.

 

Are you guys serious or still in the early stages of dating?

 

It kinda depends, I suppose, on what the dynamic is like with you two.

[MidwestUSA]

Well that heartburn medication NEXT WEEK isn't going to do you much good. Not that it would do anything now for vomiting.

 

Strange parting words, and you obviously got food poisoning, which can be serious. Dehydration can lead to the need for IV fluids.

 

 

So, you've 'been with' him for four months. Are you exclusive?

[sgbtra]

No, I guess you're right I wouldn't expect the same from a friend.

 

As for our relationship, we are still quite young in the relationship. We both are totally monogamous, and all his friends know of me and he is very proud for me to be known as his partner.

[Gloria25]

Well, me, being Ms. Independent, I wouldn't expect a thing...especially only 4 months of knowing someone.

 

But, if he like brought over medicine and/or "comfort" stuff for me (i.e. soda, crackers, some soup), that would be a nice gesture.

 

But geesh, he said he'd bring you some meds "next week"? How is that gonna benefit you?

[Trenton100]

Screw that. After 4 months dude should be with his sick girl. That's the time to make a great impression to show you care.

 

I swear guys are idiots. This is coming from a guy.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Trenton100

[Ronni_W]

Am I wrong for feeling a little sad he would still go out with his friends and leave me here sick? I do want him to go and have a good time, however if the roles were reversed I most likely would cancel on my friends to take care of him.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? Am I wrong to feel a little upset, or am I too demanding.

sgbtra,

Unfortunately, if you are feeling "a little sad" and "a little upset" that he went to have a good time, then you do/did NOT really want him to go and have a good time. You would be feeling quite happy, relieved, excited that he went and had a good time (no matter anything else.)

 

What you're feeling is not "wrong". Your comparing of how others do things versus how you would do them, and then setting expectations based on how you would do things -- instead of based on the OTHER person's ways of looking at the world and doing things, is, however a recipe for just setting-up yourself for disappointment.

(The standard that you're setting for others is based on 'you'...but because they are not you, they will seldom follow or be able to live up to that standard. It's reasonable and realistic for you...but not for you to expect it of them.)

 

Personally, I think he ought at least have offered to stay with you.

At the same time, you do now know what to expect -- and what NOT to expect -- from him, when you are sick. Make your free will choices accordingly.

[Toodaloo]

Its only 4 months so I am guessing that he would think it better for you to be on your own rather than have him hanging around.

 

That said this is a little warning flag for me... but then I have a history that affects my judgement on this so I am bowing out.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sounds like I'm in the minority but I think it was a pretty crappy move of him to go out and party leaving you really sick. And food poisoning is really horrible.

 

If it was a REALLY special night out, say a Christmas thing with all of his friends from home he doesn't see very often, then as the sick person I'd be encouraging them to go and be happy if they went. But the gesture of even offering to stay would be appreciated, and if it was just a night out like any other I would feel quite upset that they went and left me.

 

I guess if I was in your boyfriend's situation I'd have said that I'd stay and look after you, bring you stuff, make sure you've got everything you need, and just be with you if you'd let me. Whenever I've had boyfriends be sick I actually love looking after them, making sure they have no reason to get out of bed, I actually get a kick out if it because it's a lovely way to show how much you care about someone. Ditto with my best friends, asking if they need anything and popping over to give them company.

 

So yeah, after four months I would be miffed. It's not a week or two, it's several months, long enough to know you're exclusive and whether you're both taking it seriously (enough).

 

However, it honestly might be that he was just thoughtless, rather than that he weighed it up and you came out lower than partying. Some people like to be left alone while sick, perhaps he assumed you'd be the same (especially if you had the... typical symptoms of food poisoning).

 

Others will advise differently but in your position I'd just be really honest next time I saw him. Say something like 'I'm glad you had a good night, but I couldn't help but feel a bit abandoned when you didn't want to stay and take care of me' and see what he says. Sure, people will say it's too much, too clingy, blah blah but at the end of the day it's how you felt and I'm a believer of talking honestly in a relationship, especially if it's a scenario that WILL come up again in the future.

 

Either he'll be sad that he missed the opportunity to take care of you and hadn't even realised it's what you'd want. Or he'll accuse you of being pathetic and selfish and lay on the guilt trip of 'I can't believe you wanted me to cancel my plans just for you'. Either way, you'll get an insight into how strongly he feels about you and how likely in the future he is to be the kind of guy that takes care of his partner.

[todreaminblue]

I would prefer the guy did what he wanted to do.....the last thing i would want is some guy hanging around resenting me because i was sick ....so he felt he had to stay doing it out of obligation rather than wanting to be there...........would rather he leave....like you if my partner or bf was sick i would want to stay.....but i would want the guy i was with to do what he wanted to do.....if it was really important to him to go if it were plans made logn before hand...then he should go.....deb

[Toodaloo]

Liking that last post.

 

Perhaps its not just me being a bit tender about the subject... My ex left me in hospital in a coma with doctors working on me with paddles... to go paint balling for the weekend. No he did not phone to find out if I survived. He did not tell the friends he was with at the time what was going on... He just left to have fun. When he told people why I was so annoyed with him they all had a go at him. The friends he was with were particularly upset about it. This was not a relationship of a few months, we had been living together for years... So you can see why I would have a skewed view on this behavior...

 

Now I know its a bit more extreme than this but you can obviously see why I am a bit touchy about the whole subject.

 

I do think in your case he was being thoughtless but he needs to learn pronto. Its a little thing now but needs to be nipped in the bud.

[anne1707]

I can see both sides to varying extents.

 

Something to consider is that as your relationship is new, you are still learning about each other. You sound like someone who wants people around them when they are ill. He may be someone who prefers to be alone. Thee is nothing wrong with either. So he may be just treating you the way he would like to be treated under those circumstances.

 

I hope you feel better soon ((very gentle hugs))

[acrosstheuniverse]

Liking that last post.

 

Perhaps its not just me being a bit tender about the subject... My ex left me in hospital in a coma with doctors working on me with paddles... to go paint balling for the weekend. No he did not phone to find out if I survived. He did not tell the friends he was with at the time what was going on... He just left to have fun. When he told people why I was so annoyed with him they all had a go at him. The friends he was with were particularly upset about it. This was not a relationship of a few months, we had been living together for years... So you can see why I would have a skewed view on this behavior...

 

Now I know its a bit more extreme than this but you can obviously see why I am a bit touchy about the whole subject.

 

I do think in your case he was being thoughtless but he needs to learn pronto. Its a little thing now but needs to be nipped in the bud.

 

Gosh that's just crazy. Sometimes I'd wonder if perhaps he was so upset/shocked at the situation he just went into shutdown mode and tried his best to pretend it wasn't happening. But also, I don't want to make excuses for people, and that behaviour is SOOO not okay, even if that was what was behind it!

 

It seems to be very common here for people to take an extremely laid back attitude towards relationships, moreso than anyone I know in real life, determined not to show something bothers them or pointing out how someone shouldn't expect anything from a partner they wouldn't expect from a friend. I'm not sure how much of that is what people really think, how much is trying to act 'cool' so as not to scare someone off, or how much it's just as a result of a different view of relationships borne from a site like this where you see the worst of human relationship behaviour on a daily basis.

 

But yes, I'm not ashamed to say it would upset me if I was left for a night out when I was sick. This risks straying into games territory but while I wouldn't necessarily allow a guy to stay, him offering is very important to me. Sometimes it's just a superficial tussle I suppose... him saying I'll stay, me saying no really, go and have fun without me! But I think a lot of relationships have these dynamics. I'd feel a lot happier about being left alone while sick if my boyfriend at least showed he was willing to stay. And if he went after I said I was fine about it, I definitely wouldn't be upset, I'd be pleased.

 

Sometimes I would want him to actually stay and on those occasions I'd make it clear, I wouldn't tell him it was okay not to and then be miffed.

 

An ex of mine HATED being around anyone while sick, so he would generally stay away from me while I was sick, until I pointed out that I needed that support. I remember one occasion about two or three years into this four year relationship when he barely saw me for a week while I had serious flu, so bad I was struggling to crawl to the bathroom, I couldn't get up and prepare food and in the end my best friend's Mum came round with some food for me and brought it to me in bed. I didn't shower for a week, it was horrendous, I was lying in a pool of sweat every day and so exhausted I genuinely struggled to stand.

 

Looking back, if that happened now I'd have dumped him once I got well again, for leaving me in that state without offering help or to come over keep me company or anything. I wouldn't stand for it now, but then sometimes you have to go through things like that before you know how much it means to you in the future to be cared for when you really need it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It's a big warning sign. I have flashbacks of my ex and when I got ill in a nightclub and he stayed on to party and didn't even walk me to a cab. He didn't check if I got home OK either.

 

It never got any better.

[Andy_K]

Personally I prefer to be left alone when I'm unwell, so I would never assume that staying with them is the 'correct' thing to do. I'd ask if they wanted me to instead.

 

Of course this raises the very real possibility they might tell me to go but then secretly wish I hadnt. Sometimes you just can't win!

[most_distant_galaxy]

No, I don't think it's demanding. The boyfriends who cared about me the most would want to pamper me when I was sick. They would stay with me until I was better, sometimes for days.And I would do the same for them, even if we were dating for a short time.

 

@Toodaloo: your ex sounds awful. I'm sorry

[Omei]

I wouldn't want a new bf watching me be sweaty vomity being gross and unattractive yet, not till way later in the relationship.

 

I'd want him to go

 

We all have our preference he doesn't know that its yours to have him stay but other than hold your hair and pat your back what would you want him to stay for

 

This isnt a warning sign for me some men are more nurturing than others and he cant read your mind.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Omei

[Diezel]

It's a big warning sign. I have flashbacks of my ex and when I got ill in a nightclub and he stayed on to party and didn't even walk me to a cab. He didn't check if I got home OK either.

 

It never got any better.

 

That's a completely different situation.

 

This situation is something that happened hours in advance. I get what the OP is saying, but the underlying tone of the original post is... "My boyfriend should shut down his entire life if something happens to me. Because I would do that for him."

 

So you have to wonder what the thread is REALLY about. Is she mad because he still went even though it happened hours later? Or is she mad because she is disappointed in what she expected to be implicit behavior.

 

Situations like this can lead to passive aggressive moods and eventual resentment in both parties involved.

 

And to be honest, 4 months in, I'm not sure I'd want to sit there and watch someone vomit their faces off for the rest of the night.

[acrosstheuniverse]

And to be honest, 4 months in, I'm not sure I'd want to sit there and watch someone vomit their faces off for the rest of the night.

 

Really? If I had been with someone that long it'd be because I had strong feelings for them and was thinking we could have something special. I would love to stay and take care of them. I wouldn't even consider not doing so, even if they were firing off from both ends and it was disgusting! Maybe that's just me. I'd hope that I cared enough about them by then to want to make sure they were okay and that they had everything they needed to try feel better (including company if they wanted it).

[Art_Critic]

And to be honest, 4 months in, I'm not sure I'd want to sit there and watch someone vomit their faces off for the rest of the night.

 

When I read the thread title I felt the same as the quoted post until.... I read her post and she mentioned he would bring her some meds in a couple of WEEKS...

 

WEEKS....

 

I think she needs to look at this as an indicator to his future behavior and she needs to decide if she wants to be with someone who would treat a person they care about in such a fashion.

[elaine567]

I think she needs to look at this as an indicator to his future behavior and she needs to decide if she wants to be with someone who would treat a person they care about in such a fashion.

 

Yes that is the way I would look at it too.

It isn't really about knowing him for 4 months.

It is about someone who would rather go out to a party, than spend time with a person they knew well, that was sick and who may need them. He didn't suggest staying, he didn't suggest contacting a friend to come and stay with the OP, he didn't even suggest her to text him if she was feeling worse and he would leave the party and get help for her.

He showed an uncaring side to his personality and that is not great for the future. Fast forward three kids and a sick baby later and he is still going partying...

Dating is not just about the here and now, it is about looking for a partner and filtering out those who do not come up to scratch.

To me, this guy could have earned easy brownie points, but he chose not to bother.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Mixed bag. On the one hand, I think he should have offered to pick up some medicine/Gatorade/Saltines for you that night. Bringing medicine for "next week" is lame and weird. On the other hand, food poisoning isn't like having a bad cold, where you rest in bed and binge-watch Netflix. You are constantly vomiting (or...other things) and wishing you were dead. I would not want my boyfriend anywhere near me while I had food poisoning or stomach flu. I mean, what is he going to do; sit by the toilet with you? Do you really want someone's company in between violently expelling several pounds worth of waste? Other than bringing you sports drinks to stay hydrated there's not much he can do.

 

This is the exact kind of situation the "when you _____, I felt ______" formulation was designed for. OP, tell him that you felt badly about it. No doubt about it, he should have been more considerate and offered to help. I think his reaction to your statement will tell you a lot about your relationship.

Edited December 20, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[soyou]

I think it all depends on your personality and how you are in a relationship.

 

Since it's a planned event with his friends as you already mentioned, I wouldnt be upset if he's going.

 

It's just a four month relationship so I guess you're still independent and dont put all of your life dependent on him yet.

 

If I were you and I were that sick, before my guy leaving, I'd sweet talk to him something like "Go have fun babe. Come back to me after your night out. I need you to massage me, spoil me a big time and pammer me". Followed by a sweetest kiss. .

 

But it's just me and it works for all the guys I've been with. No shoe fits everyone though

[DivorcedDad123]

Leave me to myself when I'm sick. Especially a stomach virus/food poisoning.

And no, I don't want to be around anyone else while they are. A cold/sinus infection/flu, yeah I'd stay or at least come by and check on you. Bring you some drinks,soups,etc.,,but I AM NOT cuddling with you. It does neither of us any good if I get sick too and have to miss work.