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At what point do you bring up the exclusivity talk?


greenman77

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Out of curiosity, at what point should the exclusivity talk be brought up? How many dates or months? Should it be made a big deal or talking about it casually while hanging out is fine? Thanks.

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Well, if you want something serious with that person, IMO, it should take place before sex happens and/or by the 3rd date.

 

Where it should take place? Maybe over dinner, but definitely not when sex is about to happen.

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Also meant to ask at what point do you ask her to be your girlfriend?

 

I think you could ask the both at the same time...cuz, IMO, if someone is your "girlfriend/boyfriend" why would they accept that and still be seeing others?

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By the third date? Really? That seems really early to me.

 

Well, IMO, people know on the first date "why" they are dating. They either want "companionship" or they're looking for a spouse. While they don't know if you'll be "spouse" material - they should let you know that's what they're looking for, so you don't waste your time invested with someone who isn't ready for a commitment.

 

This guy called my fav podcaster upset that a woman didn't want to have sex with him and it's been four months. My fav podcaster was like, 'four months is nothing to "know" you if she's looking for something serious'. If she finds out you're an alcoholic, and sex already happened - then she's gonna break it off. Then, she's gonna meet another guy, have sex, then if that fizzles, she's gonna have another guy she slept with and wasted her time...

 

Get my drift? If a woman's gonna get naked with you, she should at least know whether or not you're looking for a long term thing or just companionship. I think you know that even before the first date happens.

 

I don't believe in the malarkey that oh, lemme just date, date, date and then if it happens, it happens. IMO, that's people who often just make a decision to commit for the wrong reasons, usually based of emotions and not practicality. If you weren't looking for marriage, why/what about "this" person changed your mind? Cuz you were dating for a year and/or share certain things in common? Pleeze.

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When should the exclusivity talk be brought up? If you are a man you don't bring it up at all. Wait for the woman to bring it up. I would just keep asking her out once a week either until she asks you to be the boyfriend or until she stops accepting dates. Let the woman set the pace of the relationship. Don't push for anything.

 

If she is already having reservations about upgrading the relationship then pushing for exclusivity will just make things worse. A woman is going to do ultimately what her heart wants to do and we have no control over that.

 

So until she asks you to be exclusive that means you are free to see other women while seeing her. Take advantage of it and don't put all your eggs in one basket with her until she has made it clear that she wants to see you exclusively. This way you aren't wasting time and you are exploring backup options. Just like with the job analogy you don't sit around waiting for the place you applied to for their phone call. You apply at other jobs so that you have backup options.

Edited by Darren2013
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When should the exclusivity talk be brought up? If you are a man you don't bring it up at all. Wait for the woman to bring it up. I would just keep asking her out once a week either until she asks you to be the boyfriend or until she stops accepting dates. Let the woman set the pace of the relationship. Don't push for anything.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna beg some guy to be my bf, be exclusive, and/or put a ring on my finger.

 

I was watching ID and this woman who like "pushed" her husband into everything bought her own freakin' engagement ring. Her close friend was so disappointed. I would feel embarrassed if I had to "push" a guy into anything with me.

 

What I would probably do is ask him something like "where do you see this going?" and then let him announce he wants me to be his bf/gf. If I wanted to get married, I'd probably say something like "I see myself spending the rest of my life with you, how do you feel?" and let him propose.

 

Geesh....

 

IMO, that's how it works. Women give signals, men act on them. All this women having to ask men out, ask men to be their bf, ask men to marry them - so-called "modern/progressive" thing isn't for me.

 

I mean, even "if" a guy responds and/or is flattered, it won't last long. IMO, men are hardwired to pursue us. If we just throw a dead deer on their doorstep, we killed the "hunt" for them and while they may chop up that deer and eat it, it won't taste as sweet. And, regardless of gender, people don't value what they don't earn/have to work for.

Edited by Gloria25
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I never realized having an exclusivity talk was a thing.

I'm in a fairly new relationship and after a while my friends started asking if it was official... I was taken back... I mean, I knew I liked him, and I wasn't "multi dating" but we hadn't really discussed it. This was about 6 weeks in, and not long after we had sex. So the next time I saw him I simply asked "are we exclusive?". He said yes, which was great, not sure what I would have done if the answer was no lol.

But I didn't make a big deal about it. We were hanging out, I asked, he answered, we moved on :)

If my friends hadn't started asking me I'm not sure if I ever would have brought it up.

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to know where you stand, but there is no need to make a big deal about it.

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Well, if you want something serious with that person, IMO, it should take place before sex happens and/or by the 3rd date.

 

Where it should take place? Maybe over dinner, but definitely not when sex is about to happen.

 

3rd date? That seems a bit too soon. On OkCupid many of the profiles say they wait for a minimum of 6 dates before having sex, which is when I imagine the exclusive talk would begin.

 

But what do I know? I'm sure some of ladies are just saying that to avoid men who only want sex.

Edited by AVarma
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Out of curiosity, at what point should the exclusivity talk be brought up? How many dates or months? Should it be made a big deal or talking about it casually while hanging out is fine? Thanks.

 

Whenever you feel that it's important enough to bring it up. There isn't a set time that's right for all couples.

 

Also, it doesn't even have to be a single conversation. It's possible to have a talk (or several) about what each person is looking for to make sure you're both on the same page without actually defining that you'll be exclusive, for example.

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acrosstheuniverse

The 'exclusive' conversation is the same as the 'are we boyfriend/girlfriend now, then?' in my experience. Until you've decided to start a relationship it's not exclusive, and there'd be no sense in being exclusive if you're not doing it because you want to be together. Although some people's timelines might see them be exclusive after a couple dates but wait a few weeks/months before they commit to actually being in a relationship, once they've seen how it goes.

 

Usually been after around 3-4 dates for me, I think. Or a couple weeks. It's always been the guy bringing it up. With my current relationship when he asked me on a couple occasions if I wanted to stay over, I just simply said that I didn't want to sleep over or have sex with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, and then quickly changed the subject because a) I wasn't asking him to be exclusive and b) I didn't want him to think I was hinting! I didn't tell him that it was or wasn't what I wanted as I wanted things to keep moving at their own pace.

 

Generally if you're waiting until exclusivity for sex, it comes up when one person stops the other from going further. Then after that if either party are interested in making it exclusive, they can bring it up. I don't think it's ever been me bringing it up since I've been in adult relationships, it's almost always the guy.

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I would wait like a month depending on how much time we spent together agreeing to be exclusive too soon can turn into a reck if you find out they got issues that you may not want to take on. Ask her to be exclusive when you feel like you know enough about her to think you will be able to accept anything that may arise together in a relationship.

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IMO, that's how it works. Women give signals, men act on them.

 

Not sure I agree that it's never worth women making any moves, but I would certainly agree that giving clear signals should be enough for all but the most brain dead of guys to act on. And that's true for every stage of the relationship - the first signs of interest, kiss, sex, exclusivity/relationship talk, holidays together, and everything else.

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When should the exclusivity talk be brought up? If you are a man you don't bring it up at all. Wait for the woman to bring it up. .

 

Darren, IMHO you have everything completely backward in your post!

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From my point of view, whenever serious romantic feelings are involved and/or when physicality (kissing, making out, use your imagination) comes in.

 

Bring it up whenever it is important to you. I don't think the setting matters that much, as long as you can have a good conversation. At a restaurant with other people around and waiters seems like a bad idea.

 

In the old days, there was more of an assumption that dating was "serious" and all of this jargon about "the talk" and "exclusive" and "official" would have just been laughed at. People did distinguish "going steady" but that was mostly teenagers.

 

A big change came in with the sexual revolution. Another change has been with the coming of online dating. There is much more of an attitude that dating is just shopping around, sometimes forever, and that people are there to be used.

 

From what I can tell, in many European countries, to say nothing of more traditional Asian societies, American romantic and courting practices are looked on as disordered, if not just appalling.

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I would make a distinction between "exclusivity" (a word I dislike) and boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

One can be focused on one person, explicitly, very early in a relationship, without having gelled into couplehood.

 

I think it's useful to think of "stages of commitment" in a romantic relationship and there might be four or five of these that you could identify. Seeing each other monogamously (exclusive dating) can come very quickly and in fact was probably the norm back in the old days. It doesn't mean you're a couple yet, it just means a provisional commitment to focus on each other while exploring a budding relationship.

 

The relationship either fizzles out or you go on to develop later, deeper stages of commitment.

 

It's not all or nothing, that is a misconception many people make.

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I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna beg some guy to be my bf, be exclusive, and/or put a ring on my finger.

 

I was watching ID and this woman who like "pushed" her husband into everything bought her own freakin' engagement ring. Her close friend was so disappointed. I would feel embarrassed if I had to "push" a guy into anything with me.

 

What I would probably do is ask him something like "where do you see this going?" and then let him announce he wants me to be his bf/gf. If I wanted to get married, I'd probably say something like "I see myself spending the rest of my life with you, how do you feel?" and let him propose.

 

Geesh....

 

IMO, that's how it works. Women give signals, men act on them. All this women having to ask men out, ask men to be their bf, ask men to marry them - so-called "modern/progressive" thing isn't for me.

 

I mean, even "if" a guy responds and/or is flattered, it won't last long. IMO, men are hardwired to pursue us. If we just throw a dead deer on their doorstep, we killed the "hunt" for them and while they may chop up that deer and eat it, it won't taste as sweet. And, regardless of gender, people don't value what they don't earn/have to work for.

 

 

Women can give signals but some of those signals can be explained away for friendly motives or other things and not every guy is going to pick up on signals.

 

And I never said a woman has to beg for anything. All I said was a guy shouldn't push for anything. I don't have to push for something in order to make sure a woman is not begging.

 

And if you found a guy that you felt very strongly about you would do the asking yourself because you wouldn't take a chance at losing a precious gem.

 

If a woman asked me after 4 or 5 dates where do I see this going I would play dumb and ask her what she means by that. I would turn the question back to her and ask her where do you see it going and where would you like it to go? These questions put the emphasis back on her feelings because quite honestly her interest level is more important than mine. My interest level is a moot point as she should already know I'm interested since I continue to ask her out for more dates once a week. If I wasn't interested I would stop asking her out.

 

Men who push for exclusivity can come across as too clingy and jealous and possessive. If anything it is better to answer her when she asks where do I see it going with "Well I'm happy to leave it the way it is for now because we haven't been going out that long. Give me a couple more dates to think it over and ask me then".

Edited by Darren2013
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I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna beg some guy to be my bf, be exclusive, and/or put a ring on my finger.

 

 

I think you're right, Gloria. The reason for the guy to ask is that generally, men are commitment-phobic at least to a great degree, even if they really want a commitment!

 

So, if the female asks or pressures, the male may well feel he was pressured or tricked into giving something.

 

Whereas if he asks for it, and she gives it, he has nobody to blame but himself!

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Frank2thepoint
This guy called my fav podcaster upset that a woman didn't want to have sex with him and it's been four months. My fav podcaster was like, 'four months is nothing to "know" you if she's looking for something serious'. If she finds out you're an alcoholic, and sex already happened - then she's gonna break it off. Then, she's gonna meet another guy, have sex, then if that fizzles, she's gonna have another guy she slept with and wasted her time...

 

I am curious about this. If a man and a woman are both looking for something serious, both have clear interest and availability for each other, but it sounds like the podcaster is implying that there is no point for the woman to enter into a relationship with a man, to avoid having her time wasted. So the woman should hold back until she is absolutely sure about the man?

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So the woman should hold back until she is absolutely sure about the man?

 

I read a research study years ago -- I wish I could find it -- that said that their survey found that the median male i.e. 50% of men surveyed are comfortable having sex with a woman after knowing her for a week. While the median female is comfortable after knowing a man for 6 months! May seem unlikely in the age of OLD, but I know of another study -- this about 20 years ago -- saying that something like half of couples had slept together after being at least acquainted for 6 months or more.

 

There are also serious studies -- you can easily find them on the web for yourself -- that claim that the longer a couple waits for sex, the greater the chance they will end up married -- 6 months given as a good time to wait to optimize chances for marriage.

 

Believe it or not, a good many women still try to wait until "after the wedding" to do the deed. On OKC I believe the % is about 7%, and that is a website not known for its emphasis on tradition. In general I believe I've read something like 14%. That's not saying they all succeed in holding out that long, just that that is their aspiration.

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I am curious about this. If a man and a woman are both looking for something serious, both have clear interest and availability for each other, but it sounds like the podcaster is implying that there is no point for the woman to enter into a relationship with a man, to avoid having her time wasted. So the woman should hold back until she is absolutely sure about the man?

 

Well, from the call, I couldn't gather what the guy wanted...he said the purpose of his call was what to do when he's been dating someone for four months and sex hasn't happened. I think he expects sex to occur within the RL, before the woman knows if the guy she's dating is "the one".

 

My podcaster's point was that is that when women are dating seriously, they'll hold off on sex even longer - so four months was "nothing", cuz it takes like 1 1/2 to 2 years to really get to know a person and if the woman has sex let's say by the 6 month mark, then finds out something that's a deal breaker about the guy, she breaks up and has another notch on her bedpost and before you know it, how many notches is she gonna gather before finding "the one"?

 

I don't know, four months is kinda long for sex to happen, but by then I'd be sure I'd know what his intentions are. I mean, IMO, by the 3rd date, you should already know if that person is just dating to keep their bed warm (i.e. FB, FWB, companionship) or if they are looking for a spouse.

 

Look, IMO, many people are just out there "dating"...

 

They let the person who they are with at the moment dictate their next steps relationship-wise. For example, two people date for a year, then at the year mark they say 'ok, we get along, we have fun, the next step is to get married' - when IMO, they are making a serious decision just cuz they 'get along with someone' and have 'great times' when marriage is full of practicalities (i.e. decisions on children, finances, religion, family, careers).

 

So, they get married w/o pre-marital counseling (to hash out all the un-sexy/fun stuff like children, finances, religion, family) and then when life hits them they either sink or thread water till the kids are 18 and out - or they divorce.

 

I don't believe in letting the person that I'm with drive my decisions in a RL. Either I'm looking for marriage or not. If I meet someone that I've been dating casually and see some long-term potential in them, I wouldn't turn it down, but I'd make an informed decision on whether or not I want it to progress into something (i.e. marriage) by looking at them on a bigger scale (are we compatible when it comes to religion, finances, kids, expectations).

 

But, I just don't "date". I believe in letting the person know upfront what I want (i.e. a FWB), so if they are looking for kids and the whole 'white picket fence', I wouldn't have wasted their time.

 

The guy in that call, he never really said if he saw long term potential in the woman who wasn't sexing him by the 4th month and/or what he was looking for dating-wise. So, I don't blame her for not getting naked. Why should she get naked for some guy who can't articulate whether or not he still wants to play the field or is looking to date to check out if she (or any woman) was marriage material?

 

BTW, dude was like in his 40's. So, he wasn't some teenage kid. He should know what he wants dating-wise at that point in his life.

Edited by Gloria25
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Frank2thepoint
I read a research study years ago -- I wish I could find it -- that said that their survey found that the median male i.e. 50% of men surveyed are comfortable having sex with a woman after knowing her for a week. While the median female is comfortable after knowing a man for 6 months! May seem unlikely in the age of OLD, but I know of another study -- this about 20 years ago -- saying that something like half of couples had slept together after being at least acquainted for 6 months or more.

 

There are also serious studies -- you can easily find them on the web for yourself -- that claim that the longer a couple waits for sex, the greater the chance they will end up married -- 6 months given as a good time to wait to optimize chances for marriage.

 

Believe it or not, a good many women still try to wait until "after the wedding" to do the deed. On OKC I believe the % is about 7%, and that is a website not known for its emphasis on tradition. In general I believe I've read something like 14%. That's not saying they all succeed in holding out that long, just that that is their aspiration.

 

Well, from the call, I couldn't gather what the guy wanted...he said the purpose of his call was what to do when he's been dating someone for four months and sex hasn't happened. I think he expects sex to occur within the RL, before the woman knows if the guy she's dating is "the one".

 

My podcaster's point was that is that when women are dating seriously, they'll hold off on sex even longer - so four months was "nothing", cuz it takes like 1 1/2 to 2 years to really get to know a person and if the woman has sex let's say by the 6 month mark, then finds out something that's a deal breaker about the guy, she breaks up and has another notch on her bedpost and before you know it, how many notches is she gonna gather before finding "the one"?

 

I don't know, four months is kinda long for sex to happen, but by then I'd be sure I'd know what his intentions are. I mean, IMO, by the 3rd date, you should already know if that person is just dating to keep their bed warm (i.e. FB, FWB, companionship) or if they are looking for a spouse.

 

Look, IMO, many people are just out there "dating"...

 

They let the person who they are with at the moment dictate their next steps relationship-wise. For example, two people date for a year, then at the year mark they say 'ok, we get along, we have fun, the next step is to get married' - when IMO, they are making a serious decision just cuz they 'get along with someone' and have 'great times' when marriage is full of practicalities (i.e. decisions on children, finances, religion, family, careers).

 

So, they get married w/o pre-marital counseling (to hash out all the un-sexy/fun stuff like children, finances, religion, family) and then when life hits them they either sink or thread water till the kids are 18 and out - or they divorce.

 

I don't believe in letting the person that I'm with drive my decisions in a RL. Either I'm looking for marriage or not. If I meet someone that I've been dating casually and see some long-term potential in them, I wouldn't turn it down, but I'd make an informed decision on whether or not I want it to progress into something (i.e. marriage) by looking at them on a bigger scale (are we compatible when it comes to religion, finances, kids, expectations).

 

But, I just don't "date". I believe in letting the person know upfront what I want (i.e. a FWB), so if they are looking for kids and the whole 'white picket fence', I wouldn't have wasted their time.

 

The guy in that call, he never really said if he saw long term potential in the woman who wasn't sexing him by the 4th month and/or what he was looking for dating-wise. So, I don't blame her for not getting naked. Why should she get naked for some guy who can't articulate whether or not he still wants to play the field or is looking to date to check out if she (or any woman) was marriage material?

 

BTW, dude was like in his 40's. So, he wasn't some teenage kid. He should know what he wants dating-wise at that point in his life.

 

I actually wasn't clear about the "holding back" part. I wasn't referring to holding back sex, but to holding back in deciding to be in a committed relationship with a man (which is in regards to the topic question of the thread). I understand the points both of you made, in regards to when a woman should have sex. The topic gets further complicated when you include the argument about sexual compatibility, and if people are willing to wait at least 6 months before getting naked, only to risk finding out someone in the relationship is selfish in bed.

 

By the third date, it is definitely a good milestone to know what the person wants the next step to be in dating. For example, all the women I dated knew by the third date I wanted a serious relationship, some even knew by the second or the first. And it didn't even require me to explicitly say anything. They just knew from my interest in them.

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