How on earth do I get over someone who doesn't reciprocate the feelings? It hurts...

[adilaurentis]

Sorry this is such a long post. I met this guy online a few months ago that I felt a spark for immediately yet he didn't feel anything back. It kind sucked for me (he wasn't aware of how deep the feelings I had for him were though) but we decided to be friends since we have a lot in common and are both emotional people that get each other really well. We've been talking and keeping in touch pretty much every day in a platonic manner until the end of September when we went to see a show and he suddenly saw me in a bit of "more than friends" way, albeit not much. Then in October we pretty much flirted all the time and kept very close contact, and you can imagine that was a happy month for me that it almost felt like I saw some "hope." In early November we hang out again and slept together for the first time. He felt a bit guilty afterwards because he "is not ready for a relationship when he's still getting over an ex he sees every day" which he already told me this before everything happened and I understand that is just he's not into me. He wanted to make sure I'm not hurt or that I feel being used, etc. Throughout November we still talked pretty much every day, although much less flirting, but still a lot of joking. He's very emotional and sensitive person and feels like I get his "feelings" and thoughts very well, so he can always rely on me for a shoulder to lean on in some ways.

 

Earlier this month we went to see another show in a nearby city and we had sex again. I could tell that he'd been horny for quite a while and was just thinking with his dick. I got him a Christmas gift while he didn't even think of getting me anything. We spent the night and the next morning together and he was just constantly trying to pay for everything like he's almost guilty for not being able to reciprocate my niceness to him. Later I found out that he's still not feeling it with me despite how much he knows I'd be really good for/to him and our intense compatibilities. In his words he recognizes we'd be great together but he's just not feeling "a romantic connection." He also feels guilty because part of him wants there to be something romantic between us because of how supportive and nice I'd been to him when I am a really good listener to all his problems. He reached out and asked if I was ok with us sleeping together again earlier in the month and wanted to make sure I wasn't hurt. Deep down I definitely feel hurt but I put off a strong front and acted like it was nothing and I didn't have feelings for him either so that we're on the same page. I was lying but I had too much pride to admit that I was hurt.

 

I do have to point out that we live about 30 minutes away from each other and only see each other very occasionally if we plan something. Most of the time we just communicate via instant messaging or texting. Also since we initially met online, there's not much overlap in our lives so we don't get to see each other in our own environment or when we interact in a group setting. I realize that I should pull myself out of this and distance myself from him so that I can get over this before I get hurt more. It's obviously no use to win him over. It also is a huge hit to my self esteem because I keep wondering what it is that I'm not doing for him that he's not feeling any attraction. Also I feel like he's going to have urges to have sex again and if we were in a private room I'd have no willpower to say no to him because I like him that much. I know I don't feel like having a fwb deal with him because in the end I'll definitely be the one to get hurt while he may finally sees someone he's truly interested in and moves on quickly. It's just a very confusing situation because I can tell he cares about me and wants to keep in touch closely and wishes there could be something more there, but I know this is not something I can force.

 

Part of me is holding on to that glimmer of hope that maybe one day he'll finally feel a romantic connection with me especially since he's already realized our compatibilities. Jeez it's so hard to get over this and I'm really confused. I mean, do you think there could be hope somewhere down the road? I keep comparing myself to the girls he's told me that he was really interested in before but I also know I can't change myself just for some guy. He is a really considerate guy and I know he hasn't really done anything wrong - he's told me upfront that he's "not into a relationship at the moment" but I was still willingly throwing myself over him.

Edited December 19, 2014 by adilaurentis

[Redhead14]

Sorry this is such a long post. I met this guy online a few months ago that I felt a spark for immediately yet he didn't feel anything back. It kind sucked for me (he wasn't aware of how deep the feelings I had for him were though) but we decided to be friends since we have a lot in common and are both emotional people that get each other really well. We've been talking and keeping in touch pretty much every day in a platonic manner until the end of September when we went to see a show and he suddenly saw me in a bit of "more than friends" way, albeit not much. Then in October we pretty much flirted all the time kept very close contact, and you can imagine that was a happy month for me that it almost felt like I saw some "hope." In early November we hang out again and slept together for the first time. He felt a bit guilty afterwards because he "is not ready for a relationship when he's still getting over an ex he sees every day" which I understand is just that he's not into me. He wanted to make sure I'm not hurt or that I feel being used, etc. Throughout November we still talked pretty much every day, although much less flirting, but still a lot of joking. He's very emotional and sensitive person and feels like I get his "feelings" and thoughts very well, so he can always rely on me for a shoulder to lean on in some ways.

 

Earlier this month we went to see another show in a nearby city and we had sex again. I could tell that he'd been horny for quite a while and was just thinking with his dick. I got him a Christmas gift while he didn't even think of getting me anything. We spent the night and the next morning together and he was just constantly trying to pay for everything like he's almost guilty for not being able to reciprocate my niceness to him. Later I found out that he's still not feeling it with me despite how much he knows I'd be really good for/to him and our intense compatibilities. In his words he recognizes we'd be great together but he's just not feeling "a romantic connection." He also feels guilty because part of him wants there to be something romantic between us because of how supportive and nice I'd been to him when I am a really good listener to all his problems. He reached out and asked if I was ok with us sleeping together again earlier in the month and wanted to make sure I wasn't hurt. Deep down I definitely feel hurt but I put off a strong front and acted like it was nothing and I didn't have feelings for him either so that we're on the same page. I was lying but I had too much pride to admit that I was hurt.

 

I do have to point out that we live about 30 minutes away from each other and only see each other very occasionally if we plan something. Most of the time we just communicate via instant messaging or texting. Also since we initially met online, there's not much overlap in our lives so we don't get to see each other in our own environment or when we interact in a group setting. I realize that I should pull myself out of this and distance myself from him so that I can get over this before I get hurt more. It's obviously no use to win him over. It also is a huge hit to my self esteem because I keep wondering what it is that I'm not doing for him that he's not feeling any attraction. Also I feel like he's going to have urges to have sex again and if we were in a private room I'd have no willpower to say no to him because I like him that much. I know I don't feel like having a fwb deal with him because in the end I'll definitely be the one to get hurt while he may finally sees someone he's truly interested in and moves on quickly. It's just a very confusing situation because I can tell he cares about me and wants to keep in touch closely and wishes there could be something more there, but I know this is not something I can force.

 

Part of me is holding on to that glimmer of hope that maybe one day he'll finally feel a romantic connection with me especially since he's already realized our compatibilities. Jeez it's so hard to get over this and I'm really confused. I mean, do you think there could be hope somewhere down the road? I keep comparing myself to the girls he's told me that he was really interested in before but I also know I can't change myself just for some guy.

 

Get on with your life and without him. It's already been a few months and he's told you a couple of times now he's not feeling a romantic connection. Nothing will change "down the road". That road will just get longer and longer. What you are doing is stringing yourself along.

[adilaurentis]

Sigh... it's really easy said than done. I've finally realized that. I used to just give people advice and say you shouldn't do this or that, and now I'm in the shoes of those people. I feel like I won't be able to completely get over this until I find someone who actually reciprocates the feelings.

[Redhead14]

Sigh... it's really easy said than done. I've finally realized that. I used to just give people advice and say you shouldn't do this or that, and now I'm in the shoes of those people. I feel like I won't be able to completely get over this until I find someone who actually reciprocates the feelings.

 

Yes, it is easier said than done, however, if you keep telling yourself that you know it's done and keep living your life for yourself, it will get easier. You need to find something else to focus on. Find just one thing in your life that makes you happy or that you enjoy, even it's drawing a nice hot bath, or sitting down with a cup of tea, simple things for now, to comfort yourself. Make yourself go out for a walk once a day maybe. Then once you've been able to do that a few times, move on to something bigger, like go on a trip, have a party with your friends. Join a club, a bowling league something social.

 

We all want someone to love and love us back, but while we are waiting, we shouldn't be missing out on all the other things that could make us happy in the meantime. Finding those kinds of things is fun and rewarding too.

[Toodaloo]

Sigh... it's really easy said than done. I've finally realized that. I used to just give people advice and say you shouldn't do this or that, and now I'm in the shoes of those people. I feel like I won't be able to completely get over this until I find someone who actually reciprocates the feelings.

 

What a load of absolute tripe. Where is your gumption girl???

 

I know it sucks but you know what you have to do so get on with it and start feeling better about yourself. Since when were you the doormat?

 

Quit dreaming and start living a life that is worth dreaming about! This bloke certainly isn't in there!

 

or are you telling me that when you were 7 and day dreaming you used to dream of being used as a booty call by someone who keeps telling you that they do not care all that much about you...

 

Come on now. Get up, dust yourself off and get on with it. No other person can "make" you happy and if you think using some poor other bloke as a re-bound will do the trick your wrong. Come on its Friday so up up and sort some fun things out for the weekend!

[carhill]

Sigh... it's really easy said than done. I've finally realized that. I used to just give people advice and say you shouldn't do this or that, and now I'm in the shoes of those people. I feel like I won't be able to completely get over this until I find someone who actually reciprocates the feelings.

A psychological tool I found to work well is that of acceptance. What has happened has happened, even despite your best intentions, positive feelings and sincere efforts. The result is the real. How one processes the real is a choice. The emotions of the moment are the indicator that you are alive. It's a great place to be.

[Trenton100]

Sorry this is such a long post. I met this guy online a few months ago that I felt a spark for immediately yet he didn't feel anything back. It kind sucked for me (he wasn't aware of how deep the feelings I had for him were though) but we decided to be friends since we have a lot in common and are both emotional people that get each other really well. We've been talking and keeping in touch pretty much every day in a platonic manner until the end of September when we went to see a show and he suddenly saw me in a bit of "more than friends" way, albeit not much. Then in October we pretty much flirted all the time and kept very close contact, and you can imagine that was a happy month for me that it almost felt like I saw some "hope." In early November we hang out again and slept together for the first time. He felt a bit guilty afterwards because he "is not ready for a relationship when he's still getting over an ex he sees every day" which he already told me this before everything happened and I understand that is just he's not into me. He wanted to make sure I'm not hurt or that I feel being used, etc. Throughout November we still talked pretty much every day, although much less flirting, but still a lot of joking. He's very emotional and sensitive person and feels like I get his "feelings" and thoughts very well, so he can always rely on me for a shoulder to lean on in some ways.

 

Earlier this month we went to see another show in a nearby city and we had sex again. I could tell that he'd been horny for quite a while and was just thinking with his dick. I got him a Christmas gift while he didn't even think of getting me anything. We spent the night and the next morning together and he was just constantly trying to pay for everything like he's almost guilty for not being able to reciprocate my niceness to him. Later I found out that he's still not feeling it with me despite how much he knows I'd be really good for/to him and our intense compatibilities. In his words he recognizes we'd be great together but he's just not feeling "a romantic connection." He also feels guilty because part of him wants there to be something romantic between us because of how supportive and nice I'd been to him when I am a really good listener to all his problems. He reached out and asked if I was ok with us sleeping together again earlier in the month and wanted to make sure I wasn't hurt. Deep down I definitely feel hurt but I put off a strong front and acted like it was nothing and I didn't have feelings for him either so that we're on the same page. I was lying but I had too much pride to admit that I was hurt.

 

I do have to point out that we live about 30 minutes away from each other and only see each other very occasionally if we plan something. Most of the time we just communicate via instant messaging or texting. Also since we initially met online, there's not much overlap in our lives so we don't get to see each other in our own environment or when we interact in a group setting. I realize that I should pull myself out of this and distance myself from him so that I can get over this before I get hurt more. It's obviously no use to win him over. It also is a huge hit to my self esteem because I keep wondering what it is that I'm not doing for him that he's not feeling any attraction. Also I feel like he's going to have urges to have sex again and if we were in a private room I'd have no willpower to say no to him because I like him that much. I know I don't feel like having a fwb deal with him because in the end I'll definitely be the one to get hurt while he may finally sees someone he's truly interested in and moves on quickly. It's just a very confusing situation because I can tell he cares about me and wants to keep in touch closely and wishes there could be something more there, but I know this is not something I can force.

 

Part of me is holding on to that glimmer of hope that maybe one day he'll finally feel a romantic connection with me especially since he's already realized our compatibilities. Jeez it's so hard to get over this and I'm really confused. I mean, do you think there could be hope somewhere down the road? I keep comparing myself to the girls he's told me that he was really interested in before but I also know I can't change myself just for some guy. He is a really considerate guy and I know he hasn't really done anything wrong - he's told me upfront that he's "not into a relationship at the moment" but I was still willingly throwing myself over him.

 

 

It's terrible. I had the exact same problem with my last gf.

 

 

She was all about the sex and all about her. I would go out of my way constantly to prove I wanted more than that. I practically told her the second we start banging, I'm going to consider us exclusive. Sorry, but that's how I roll. She wanted nothing to do with a relationship but sure as hell had no problem texting me all night and talking to me and screwing me. Bought her flowers. All I got was "thanks". Left cute notes on her car and all I got was "I can't wait to see my friend tomorrow night". She was a narcissist if there ever was one. I didn't catch on though because I was so wrapped up in trying to spark anything.

 

 

You gotta just drop it and move on. It sucks but in the long run, all you are doing is hurting you.

[Gloria25]

Now, while some men will not throw a naked woman out of their bed, there ARE actually guys who will not have sex with you - knowing it will hurt you.

 

This guy sounds like a classy dude...

 

So, as long as he "asks" you if 'you're cool with it', he shouldn't feel bad about plowing you - knowing you want more.

 

I've been in a couple of situations where the guy didn't feel comfy in bedding me as a FWB. They'd rather be in a RL. I respected them for not letting their hornies overrule their brains.

 

BTW, if you want some ammo on how to get over him (i.e. like writing a list of his "pro's/con's"), then keep on reading my post about how "classy" he is. I don't get wet for a "classy" guy like him.

[Trenton100]

 

BTW, if you want some ammo on how to get over him (i.e. like writing a list of his "pro's/con's"), then keep on reading my post about how "classy" he is. I don't get wet for a "classy" guy like him.

 

 

HA! My coffee just flew from my mouth to my keyboard reading that.

 

 

I happen to be one of those sensitive types myself. I mean seriously...I like sex as much as the next guy but I get so turned off when everything is based on that. It's cheap and shallow. I found that most people who want nothing but are those two things as well.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Trenton100

[Gloria25]

HA! My coffee just flew from my mouth to my keyboard reading that.

 

I know, sarcasm and being snarky is sooo beautiful.

 

But seriously, I meant what I said. She probably could get over him quicker by looking at his negatives, which IMO, outweigh the positives.

[preraph]

I couldn't take time to read the whole thing, but if he's "not feeling a romantic connection," he needs to keep his d**k on a tether and away from you. So now use that info and ponder why you like a guy who is so selfish and self-absorbed about getting his immediate needs met that he is willing to poison the well of your friendship by using you for sex and then tell you he's not really into you or feeling romantic. That's pretty narcissistic.

 

If you stay in this, it will just erode your self-esteem. Gather up what dignity you have left and get him completely out of your life and find someone who wants you back and doesn't just use you to get off when they're desperate! It sucks, but that's life. It will go easiest for you if you completely go no contact and not let him push your buttons.

[Thegreatestthing]

The longer you spend waiting for this guy,the less likely the one that truly loves you will find you,please join some dating sites ASAP.