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How do you turn down women politely?

1980alence

By 1980alence,
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1980alence

1980alence

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Here's something I have some trouble with, and I'm wondering what you all think. If a girl asks invites me on a first date, but I'm not into it, what's the best way to respond?

 

Also, what if you go out on a date or two, and there's some chemistry, but you just don't feel like she's the best choice for whatever reason? Do you just say the flat truth, "You're nice, and we click, but I can't date someone who obviously drinks a lot more than I do." or is there some other way that doesn't sound like a lame excuse?

 

Girls, what are some ways that guys have turned you down that were respectful and honest?

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PegNosePete

PegNosePete

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Rejecting someone, just say the truth, but with tact.

 

After a 1st or 2nd date if I didn't want to take it further, I would say simply, "thanks for meeting but I don't think we're a romantic match. Good luck in your search". No need for any more details.

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central

central

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You don't need to get specific, unless it is about something they can change (e.g., smoking) or perhaps aren't aware of (e.g., persistent bad breath) and could change - even then, be kind or be silent. YOUR preferences and values should never be projected on them. Usually, it's enough to say "I don't feel we're a good match" or "I like you but there's no chemistry for me."

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BlueIris

BlueIris

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You don't need to get specific, unless it is about something they can change (e.g., smoking) or perhaps aren't aware of (e.g., persistent bad breath) and could change - even then, be kind or be silent. YOUR preferences and values should never be projected on them. Usually, it's enough to say "I don't feel we're a good match" or "I like you but there's no chemistry for me."

 

I agree. I don't say the "no chemistry" because even that can hurt people's feelings. But I do say, "I don't think we're a match." And there are lots of people out there who would have no problem with things I don't like about someone. I also don't want to get into a debate about whether s/he'll change or not do what I didn't like. Sometimes someone will press you to give them a more specific reason, then I ask if they're really sure they want to know. But sure enough, when you tell them, they'll justify or defend. So now they've given you another reason to not date them.

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7gnat

7gnat

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Here's something I have some trouble with, and I'm wondering what you all think. If a girl asks invites me on a first date, but I'm not into it, what's the best way to respond?

 

Also, what if you go out on a date or two, and there's some chemistry, but you just don't feel like she's the best choice for whatever reason? Do you just say the flat truth, "You're nice, and we click, but I can't date someone who obviously drinks a lot more than I do." or is there some other way that doesn't sound like a lame excuse?

 

Girls, what are some ways that guys have turned you down that were respectful and honest?

Just be honest and respectful. This should not be a hard formula. If you feel you are not a good match just tell her that.

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carhill

carhill

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In the past, my usual line, if appropriate, was 'I don't see things working out' or, in one case where it was the truth, 'I met someone else' and indeed it was the person I'd later marry.

 

I've never been asked out on a date but I found the line many women used to reject my approaches to work quite well, both being direct and killing any prior infatuation I had = 'Thanks but I don't find you attractive'. Simple, honest and leaves no wiggle room. It's what men, at least this man, has been used to in life. I think it's OK for women too, since we're all human.

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1980alence

1980alence

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Thanks for all the responses! Seems like, "I don't think we're a good match." is a great generic way to phrase it. As a relatively shy guy, I've not been used to being on the rejecting end. And being rejected myself always seems awkward (girls just stop responding, or are 'busy', etc). I can definitely appreciate a direct, clear, and respectful rejection.

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spanishchick00

spanishchick00

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Just say, that you aren't looking for a relationship and have other priorities in your life than dating. A guy told me that line once, then I found out he was updating his okcupid profile. What a liar he was.

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1980alence

1980alence

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Just say, that you aren't looking for a relationship and have other priorities in your life than dating. A guy told me that line once, then I found out he was updating his okcupid profile. What a liar he was.

 

Yes, I'd like to avoid outright lies if possible...

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d0nnivain

d0nnivain

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I'd just say Thank you. I'm flattered but I just don't think we're a good match.

 

Do not point out whatever it is that is turning you off.

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carhill

carhill

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Sincerely, you won't get a 'most polite person' award at the end of your life. Life isn't fair and is often brutal so, while perhaps uncomfortable in the moment, being direct like the example you used after dating someone for a bit was fine.

 

One problem some of we men have is we tend to think of women as delicate flowers and will walk a mile on hot coals barefoot to avoid wilting that flower in even the slightest. In reality, the truth of the matter is far different. She's another human being, a relative stranger, and really the only exigent connection is that the man finds her attractive sexually and wants to have sex with her and dating her is the path to that. If he doesn't, or she turns him off, there's no reason to remain in the milieu and simply communicate that directly and move on.

 

This is an area where I felt the life lessons taught by women were some of the best I ever received. They were dead right and I was simply wasting my own time and energy, not to mention annoying them, with all that save their feelings politeness.

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Mrin

Mrin

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When a woman asks me out and I don't want to go out with her on a first date I used to just say: either, thanks. I'm really flattered but am not interested in dating right now or 2) thanks. I am really flattered but I am casually seeing someone right now and would like to focus my energy with her.

 

Post first date rejection: I really had a great time but I don't think we are a match. I don't want to waste either of our time and energy trying to chase something that isn't there. Best of luck!

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BlueIris

BlueIris

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Thanks for all the responses! Seems like, "I don't think we're a good match." is a great generic way to phrase it. As a relatively shy guy, I've not been used to being on the rejecting end. And being rejected myself always seems awkward (girls just stop responding, or are 'busy', etc). I can definitely appreciate a direct, clear, and respectful rejection.

 

It can be awful to reject an invitation. It feels so bad to hurt someone's feelings, but you have to do it. It's good to have been on both sides because we can see that people aren't trying to be mean, or feel superior or think bad things when they turn us down- because we weren't. When some guy decides he doesn't want to date me or see me again, I can feel some compassion because it is HARD to reject someone.

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Mirages

Mirages

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Some good ideas here.

The second category of question I have might go like this... When trying to keep options open, i.e. wishing to use the next two weekends to screen a couple more candidates as first dates. Person A was fine, may have 30% potential, but the need to make oneself open to others explains the lack of "time," for follow ups to the date; i.e. I will be looking and booking with others. This quandry is more delicate, as the date has perhaps 30% potential to getting warmed up to a relationship, I'd have no interest/fairness to keep them waiting, but they are not "get lost," material; ideas on speaking such a hold?

 

Maybe we can call it the "Unplug the toaster, but don't pull the circuit breaker approach."

 

A start: "You seem like a great person, it may take me a little while for me to organize my thoughts on us, can I contact you in a couple of weeks?"

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most_distant_galaxy

most_distant_galaxy

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Girls, what are some ways that guys have turned you down that were respectful and honest?

 

"You're very sweet and I love hanging out with you, but I don't see you that way. I wish you the best of luck in finding what you're looking for".

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soyou

soyou

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"I'm sorry but I'm a mess at this moment and not ready to be dating or be with anyone seriously. It will be very unfair to get such a nice person like yourself involved into my own mess. Good luck further with the search and I really appreciate your asking me out. I feel very flattered!"

 

This is often my way of rejecting men. Pehaps you can use it in rejecting women? :love:

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