The dreaded fade-away :(

[Dreamworld]

Hi everyone.My gut is already telling me but I would like some second opinions.

 

Met a guy two months ago. We have mutual friends. Friended each other on Fb and shortly after he asked me out. We set up a date for a week later but in between he was texting me all the time. I could sense some player vibes in his texting. But I wasnt looking for anything serious so I thought whatever.

 

Met, had a great time, he tried to kiss me on the first date, but casual or no I still thought things were moving too fast so I pulled back. Have to admit though the physical attraction was magnetic. He asked for a lunch date the week after. Again, in between constant texting, calling, at the left ast 3 times a week. Had the lunch date. He didnt pull any moves. Asked for another date a week after ( once a week was a comfortable time frame with our schedules). Watched a movie etc, ended up kissing. I couldnt hold myself back this time. The week after we ended up sleeping together. Fireworks. A week after again. A week after again. We ended up sleeping together 5 times. This spanned two months up to now.

 

During the sleep together weeks, his texting decreased a little, but not so much it caused alarm. After all we werent exclusive I wasnt expecting daily contact.

 

But the human mind works in a way that when you get used to a certain behavior you get alarmed when things change all of a sudden right? After the last time we were together, his texting decreased dramatically. I let it be and did my own thing. This week he texted once and that was it. I already kinda knew what to expect but I texted him yesterday wishing him a good rest of the week and good weekend. I got the one word response. "Thanks." And that was it.

 

I have been hit and quit haven't I? You can be blunt, I can take it

Asking this not so much of being hurt, but so I can be sure and concentrate on other guys and other things now. Though I admit my pride is a teeny bit hurt. I have had other flings be nicer than this.

 

I dont think I will be contacting him again, but in the case he does contact me once in a blue moon later, what would you guys do? I have heard the whole guys need space all of a sudden blah blah but I find it kind of an excuse so...give him space forever right? And unfriend him on fb?

 

I am giving myself the weekend to decide so if you guys could help me that would be great. Thanks so much!!

[katlover]

Hello dear. As a man, I have to say yes you probably have been hit and quit.. Eh don't be put down. Guys and girls do it all the time. When one of them loses interest, they will just stop putting effort into the "relationship." If you don't want this to happen again, just be more cautious and don't give yourself away so easily until you know the guy really well. Take it slow, be friends first, get to know him, make him work for it, and just try to observe his intentions to see whether or not he just wants sex or an actual relationship. Just take it as a learning experience. If I were you, I would just stop contact with him unless he wants to be your friend still. Only time will tell.

 

Good luck to you dear.

[Dreamworld]

Hello dear. As a man, I have to say yes you probably have been hit and quit.. Eh don't be put down. Guys and girls do it all the time. When one of them loses interest, they will just stop putting effort into the "relationship." If you don't want this to happen again, just be more cautious and don't give yourself away so easily until you know the guy really well. Take it slow, be friends first, get to know him, make him work for it, and just try to observe his intentions to see whether or not he just wants sex or an actual relationship. Just take it as a learning experience. If I were you, I would just stop contact with him unless he wants to be your friend still. Only time will tell.

 

Good luck to you dear.

 

 

Thanks katlover. I guess I kinda sorta knew once the sex started happening but it is nice to have confirmation.

I have to make sure I take care of all details before I really find my equilibrium (once I find it I do very well) so things like social media and the like. Just erasing/unfriending would be good right?

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, yes, I'd say he's lost interest. I would not respond if he contacts you after an extended period of time. A guy who is really into you doesn't do this. Sorry, OP. Better to move on and concentrate on other guys!

[Dreamworld]

Unfortunately, yes, I'd say he's lost interest. I would not respond if he contacts you after an extended period of time. A guy who is really into you doesn't do this. Sorry, OP. Better to move on and concentrate on other guys!

 

Thanks Expat! Yeah I think that would be the most self-respecting thing to do regardless of how my feelings are then. And I think my feelings by that time would be not to want to respond.

I think I am going to be doing a fb clean up. Of him and the mutual friends we have that I am not even close with. (he is)

[DivorcedDad123]

I wouldn't say he "hit it and quit it", but rather that the "new" wore off and the honeymoon stage just fizzled. Someone else may have gotten his attention.

Just let him fade away. Nothing either of you did wrong.

[ComingInHot]

"But the human mind works in a way that when you get used to a certain behavior you get alarmed when things change all of a sudden right? After the last time we were together, his texting decreased dramatically. I let it be and did my own thing. This week he texted once and that was it. I already kinda knew what to expect but I texted him yesterday wishing him a good rest of the week and good weekend. I got the one word response. "Thanks." And that was it.

 

I have been hit and quit haven't I? You can be blunt, I can take it

Asking this not so much of being hurt, but so I can be sure and concentrate on other guys and other things now. Though I admit my pride is a teeny bit hurt. I have had other flings be nicer than this.

 

I dont think I will be contacting him again, but in the case he does contact me once in a blue moon later, what would you guys do? I have heard the whole guys need space all of a sudden blah blah but I find it kind of an excuse so...give him space forever right? And unfriend him on fb?"

 

 

Sometimes things just fade because it isn't the right time for one or the other or the interest dies for one or the other. Remember that it is okay for either of you to chose a different path. I think that is what dating is all about in the first place, right?

 

I think this is where reading the signs become important. The drop in emails, calls, messages etc... are actually, I think, a kindness in a way. Use it to your benefit as well to draw away and into other things or in your case other potential dates.

 

Does it hurt? Sure it does. But what is hurting more? Your Heart or your Pride and Ego. Maybe a little of both?

 

Good news is it sounds like you already have other prospects. So, if he is backing away through drop in communications but hasn't told you outright, you have to decide for yourself. If it was me, I'd work with the actions shown me, rub some dirt on my bruised ego and slightly hurt feelings (cause nobody enjoys rejection no matter how involved or not) and move along.

But, that's just me...

All the Best to You OP!!

CiH*

[Dreamworld]

Sometimes things just fade because it isn't the right time for one or the other or the interest dies for one or the other. Remember that it is okay for either of you to chose a different path. I think that is what dating is all about in the first place, right?

 

I think this is where reading the signs become important. The drop in emails, calls, messages etc... are actually, I think, a kindness in a way. Use it to your benefit as well to draw away and into other things or in your case other potential dates.

 

Does it hurt? Sure it does. But what is hurting more? Your Heart or your Pride and Ego. Maybe a little of both?

 

Good news is it sounds like you already have other prospects. So, if he is backing away through drop in communications but hasn't told you outright, you have to decide for yourself. If it was me, I'd work with the actions shown me, rub some dirt on my bruised ego and slightly hurt feelings (cause nobody enjoys rejection no matter how involved or not) and move along.

But, that's just me...

All the Best to You OP!!

CiH*

 

 

Thanks CominginHot! I think it is more of my ego/pride being a bit bruised more so than my heart, because I knew I was getting into a casual non-exclusive relationship but he pursued me so strongly in the beginning I guess I just got attached to that. And then we had slept together more than once and consistently so yeah. The lines got a bit blurred I guess. For me. Not the guy apparently. (this always happens doesn't it? hehe)

 

 

I actually went on a date with another guy after I wrote the original post and had a really nice time.

 

 

It is still kind of difficult seeing the fade away guy active on FB, and we have mutual friends who he is much closer to than I, so I just ended up deleting and blocking him and just unfriending the mutual friends. Hope this wasn't too extreme an action. More of a defense mechanism for me.

 

 

I also deleted his number on my phone. To tell you the truth, all this stuff I am doing I think I am going into protective mode ahead of time, because I know that if he has indeed faded away forever, my pride will take a bit of a blow again so in this way if he doesn't contact me it won't be so IN MY FACE not contacting me. Silly I know. But oh well.

 

 

Thank you again!!!!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Deleting/blocking someone on Facebook is a great idea in my opinion. I also do it for self protection. Not as a nasty act, just because I find it easier to get over someone when I can't see any evidence of them living their lives. I want to focus on mine, and in the post-split moments it's easy to find it impossible to focus on anything but the person you lost. Especially with the pain of rejection in the mix too.

 

I also delete people's numbers. And when I really don't want to hear from them again, or give myself the temptation of replying to any messages they send, I block their numbers too.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think you were 'hit and quit' necessarily, he maybe just lost interest for one reason or another. Whatever the issue, all you need to know is that he's no longer interested. Which happens all the time in dating, it's no reason for your ego or pride to be bruised.

[mysteryscape]

You're sleeping with a guy you barely know and you're not even "exclusive." i.e. there is no commitment whatsoever. Perfect situation for a guy to fade away.

 

Usually the development of intimacy stops or slows dramatically when the guy starts sleeping with you. I know that sounds strange at first, but think about it.

 

A lot of guys, not just young ones either, are looking to put another "notch" on their belt. Once they get it, their interest often fades dramatically. Note that I didn't say always.

 

By and large, the longer a couple waits to have sex, the longer they stay together. Don't take my word for it, google around and you'll find real social science research that backs this up.

 

It's amazing to me that so many women don't understand these elementary things. I guess maybe the knowledge died out with their great-grandmothers.

[aggie382]

You're sleeping with a guy you barely know and you're not even "exclusive." i.e. there is no commitment whatsoever. Perfect situation for a guy to fade away.

 

Usually the development of intimacy stops or slows dramatically when the guy starts sleeping with you. I know that sounds strange at first, but think about it.

 

A lot of guys, not just young ones either, are looking to put another "notch" on their belt. Once they get it, their interest often fades dramatically. Note that I didn't say always.

 

By and large, the longer a couple waits to have sex, the longer they stay together. Don't take my word for it, google around and you'll find real social science research that backs this up.

 

It's amazing to me that so many women don't understand these elementary things. I guess maybe the knowledge died out with their great-grandmothers.

 

I totally agree with this. How could you expect anything different? You went from zero to the bedroom and didn't make it meaningful.

[Dreamworld]

Thanks mysteryscape for your honest response.

I was hot for the sex without commitment too so I wont pretend to be hurt about that or anything. I guess I didnt think I would get attached like this. I am not sure if it is attachment to having a guy chase me and want me or to the guy himself actually.

And to have him be so persistent one second and completely poof outta there the next.

Yeah and we are definitely not young.

[Dreamworld]

I totally agree with this. How could you expect anything different? You went from zero to the bedroom and didn't make it meaningful.

 

Thanks. It has been a couple days since posting this and I am getting a clearer picture. You guys are right.

 

I have had successful fwb relationships in the past because I am pretty good (or thought I was good at ) at separating sex from emotions. But I do admit the pace of our friendship wasnt like this. We werent contacting each other from the start like we were dating like in this case. And we werent having sex so regularly either.

 

So I am experiencing emotions I didnt think I would feel. Silly me.

Anyway lesson learned.

[mysteryscape]

Thanks mysteryscape for your honest response.

I was hot for the sex without commitment too so I wont pretend to be hurt about that or anything. I guess I didnt think I would get attached like this. I am not sure if it is attachment to having a guy chase me and want me or to the guy himself actually.

And to have him be so persistent one second and completely poof outta there the next.

Yeah and we are definitely not young.

 

I have to hand it to you for taking what I said without apparent resentment. I think katlover was saying much the same thing in a kinder, gentler way.

 

From my limited experience but in a lengthening life, I don't know if women in your situation are hot for the physical sex, for some kind of "relationship" with the guy, or like some combination.

 

You know, when women sleep with someone, often they release large amounts of the "love hormone" oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. (Nursing mothers also do it). Hence they get attached to someone when they apparently thought all they wanted was sex. Men, on the other hand, release much less of this. And then there is the "notch" motivation I mentioned above. Also, they know instinctively at least that women get attached, hence after they get what they want, they may tend to flee out of fear of getting trapped. May be hard to understand, but you can assimilate it and deal with it.

 

Another thing: if you can get a guy to hold off on sex, and perhaps even get him to sublimate i.e. not take care of his own needs as they say, if he sticks around, he will tend to become more and more attached. To the point that he may discover that getting committed is what he wants.

 

If that sounds old-fashioned, it is, but that doesn't make it any more or less true. I think of it as facets of human nature that we are well on the way to having forgotten.

 

Good luck to you!

[Trenton100]

Thanks mysteryscape for your honest response.

I was hot for the sex without commitment too so I wont pretend to be hurt about that or anything. I guess I didnt think I would get attached like this. I am not sure if it is attachment to having a guy chase me and want me or to the guy himself actually.

And to have him be so persistent one second and completely poof outta there the next.

Yeah and we are definitely not young.

 

Sex without commitment = crap.

[Mrin]

I'm not going to chime in on whether you were hit and quit but I just wanted to say I disgree with some of the posters here - you didnt "give it away" too early. You didn't truly kiss until the third date and didn't get intimate until the fourth date. For mature adults that's pretty standard in my book. Crimeny people - this isn't the Victorian age. Once you get past a certain age - intimacy isn't some precious flower that a knight has to earn. Rather it is something shared between two consenting adults. Sometimes it is just for pleasure. Sometimes it is for something more. But I object to this whole Victorian mindset. It only perpetuates a stigma that is unhealthy and harkins to an age long since past.

 

Ok rant over. Carry on!

[Trenton100]

I'm not going to chime in on whether you were hit and quit but I just wanted to say I disgree with some of the posters here - you didnt "give it away" too early. You didn't truly kiss until the third date and didn't get intimate until the fourth date. For mature adults that's pretty standard in my book. Crimeny people - this isn't the Victorian age. Once you get past a certain age - intimacy isn't some precious flower that a knight has to earn. Rather it is something shared between two consenting adults. Sometimes it is just for pleasure. Sometimes it is for something more. But I object to this whole Victorian mindset. It only perpetuates a stigma that is unhealthy and harkins to an age long since past.

 

Ok rant over. Carry on!

 

Right, because pregnancy is disease is also long past. I guess that age old mindset should be thrown out the window when we have too many deadbeats walking the planet along with single moms who have to struggle because so many "hit and quit" dudes are simply living in the age that is apparently convenient for that type of behavior.

Edited December 21, 2014 by Trenton100

[mysteryscape]

I'm not going to chime in on whether you were hit and quit but I just wanted to say I disgree with some of the posters here - you didnt "give it away" too early. You didn't truly kiss until the third date and didn't get intimate until the fourth date. For mature adults that's pretty standard in my book. Crimeny people - this isn't the Victorian age. Once you get past a certain age - intimacy isn't some precious flower that a knight has to earn. Rather it is something shared between two consenting adults. Sometimes it is just for pleasure. Sometimes it is for something more. But I object to this whole Victorian mindset. It only perpetuates a stigma that is unhealthy and harkins to an age long since past.

 

Ok rant over. Carry on!

 

I would simply say look at the results. From what I can tell -- social science surveys -- women on the whole are more unhappy than ever. The divorce rate sky high. Vast numbers of lonely people. Children without fathers around. And, of course, a vast swath of the population has some type of STD.

 

I may be Victorian -- hey, was that such a bad time? -- but I was simply trying to explain, as best I can, what may have been going on to lead to the lady's unhappy and perplexing situation.

[newlyborn]

this happened to me after waiting over two months to sleep with someone. by then we were going on regular dates and in touch by phone daily. he was talking about having visions of marrying me. the first time we slept together was the last time i saw him... even though i blocked him and have moved on, i feel a lot less confident about dating.

 

i think that people who do this will do this even if you have waited a fairly long while and have made all kinds of professions of liking each other.

[mysteryscape]

this happened to me after waiting over two months to sleep with someone. by then we were going on regular dates and in touch by phone daily. he was talking about having visions of marrying me. the first time we slept together was the last time i saw him... even though i blocked him and have moved on, i feel a lot less confident about dating.

 

i think that people who do this will do this even if you have waited a fairly long while and have made all kinds of professions of liking each other.

 

2 months is not at all too long for all the male fadeaway instincts to come into play.

 

From what I can tell -- google around on this, you will find it -- 6 months or longer improves the odds of a guy staying e.g. a marriage resulting.

 

Of course, the closest thing to a real commitment is a marriage (or some equivalent). I say closes because as we all know marriage isn't necessarily forever.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I would simply say look at the results. From what I can tell -- social science surveys -- women on the whole are more unhappy than ever. The divorce rate sky high. Vast numbers of lonely people. Children without fathers around. And, of course, a vast swath of the population has some type of STD.

 

I may be Victorian -- hey, was that such a bad time? -- but I was simply trying to explain, as best I can, what may have been going on to lead to the lady's unhappy and perplexing situation.

 

Not all women release oxytocin when they have sex. The divorce rate has actually dropped significantly since the 1980s. STD rates have declined overall despite local fluctuations.

 

I am not even going to touch your assertion that the Victorian era---a time in which women couldn't vote or attend universities and have careers, in which minorities were systematically discriminated against, and when, ironically, syphilis was at its peak---was "such a bad time".

 

OP, you didn't give it up too early. I don't think this guy hit it and quit it either. I think he was initially interested and for whatever reason changed his mind. It sucks, but it's not uncommon; women do it to guys just as often.

[mysteryscape]

Of course, I never said that all women release oxytocin. I made a true claim about a general trend.

 

Different measures give you somewhat different results about the divorce rate -- you can google the same statistical charts as I can -- but basically, the rate exploded during the sexual revolution and has remained very high -- as has the fraction of unwed births, families without fathers, etc etc.

 

Basically, the 1980's are part of the same era as ours.

 

I only made the claim about the Victorian era -- which I will stick with -- because someone tried simply to dismiss my views as "Victorian" without really dealing seriously with them.

 

As for the syphilis rate being lower now -- you bet. That has a lot more to do with medical technology than anything else.

 

Certainly without modern medicine but with our current sexual mores, the syphilis rate would be catastrophic.

[preraph]

It may not be "hit and quit." I mean, a LOT of guys like to just keep a whole corral of women in their remuda to continue having sex with. He's just busy lining up new ones is all. Doesn't sound like he's looking for "the one" or anything.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Do you know why syphilis rates were catastrophic during the Victorian era? Because men had sex with everything that moved and many people frequented brothels. The "sexual mores" of yesteryear were far worse than they were today, because no one understood the consequences of unprotected sex.

 

It is evident from your posts that you have a bone to pick with women whose lifestyles don't meet your standards. You clearly believe that the sexual revolution---the revolution that suggested women deserved to have control over their bodies, and that women's health mattered---was a bad thing. Hey, guess what: women are happier and demonstrably healthier today than ever before. We have a vaccine for cervical cancer. Life-altering hormone imbalances can now be treated with simple medications. We are finally beginning to understand what causes ovarian cancer. We can eliminate all chance of pregnancy through hormone-free, reversible contraceptives, allowing women to make life and career choices without worrying about their health. It's never been better to be a woman and it's just going to keep improving.

 

Basically, the 1980's are part of the same era as ours.

 

I dare you to say this to a woman who was forced into a back-alley abortion. I dare you to say this to to a gay male who was an adult during the 1980s. The world is a completely different place than it was 30 years ago, and will be even more different 30 years from now. Deal with it.

[mysteryscape]

It's evident that you have a bone to pick with people who have values different from yours. That is your right.

 

If you think I am against modern medical advances, including those relating to women's health, then you are crazy.

 

I don't want to get into much more of a debate about social science, but re what I said about declining female happiness, as measured by social scientists, look it up, it's no secret. I did not make this stuff up.

 

Here's a place to start:

 

The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness