Girlfriend of 1 year broke up with me, yet still talks to me?

[tightrope23]

Hi there, everyone! I am very new to this website, so please take it easy on me. Anyways, I have a bit of a situation going on. As you can see by the title, I am going through relationship problems. I will try to be very detailed with my situation to help you all help me.

 

I am 20 years old and my girlfriend (or ex now) is 17. We have been best friends for nearly 2 1/2 years now and we started dating last December (2013). She broke up with me Monday night through text, pretty much saying that she couldn't do this anymore. So we arranged for a time to meet up (yesterday) and exchanged most of our stuff. Anyways, we were very civil, relaxed, and completely bitter-free; almost as if we never broke up in the first place.

 

When she got home, she texted me that she made it safely (we do this because we live about 35-40 minutes apart) and we still continued texting throughout the day. And even today, we texted a little bit, even though we are broken up (I guess).

 

The truth is, I really love her so much and want her back. Even though she broke up with me, I can't help but care about her. I know in my heart I would give anything it took to have her as my girlfriend again. Anyways, we think we will meet again in about 2 weeks to exchange some forgotten stuff (I will be out of town). I really know that I want her to be my girlfriend again. Is there any advice anyone can give?

 

I know I'll probably get some stick for wanting a girl who broke up with me, but we are too close to give up now. I am in love with her, and have been ever since I got to know her.

 

Thank you all so much for the advice in advance! God bless and happy holidays (in case I don't reply before then)!

[SomeDude16]

Ummmm, I was trying to think of a way to put this softly but I can't so I'll just say it. You're 20, she's 17. She broke up with you, move on. I just can't see getting back together working in your advantage. It's gonna be tough but you gotta move on.

[tightrope23]

Thank you for your answer, jab116. I figured someone would tell me that she isn't worth it, but she sure is. We literally have told stuff that no one else knows and we know each other better than anyone. I know probably more people will tell me to let her go, but I literally care about her as much as I care about my siblings. That should give some indication of how important she really is.

[Ebelskiver]

Of course you love her. And she probably still loves you. But, she's 17, and you're quite young yourself. What do you expect? To get married? You both have a lot of living and loving left to do before you settle down.

 

I imagine college is on the horizon for one or both of you. I know it sucks, but remember the good times, keep yourself relentlessly busy, and move on with your life.

[JK79]

The truth is, I really love her so much and want her back. Even though she broke up with me, I can't help but care about her. I know in my heart I would give anything it took to have her as my girlfriend again. Anyways, we think we will meet again in about 2 weeks to exchange some forgotten stuff (I will be out of town). I really know that I want her to be my girlfriend again. Is there any advice anyone can give?

 

 

I think some information is missing. Have you told her EXACTLY how you feel about her? Are you assuming she knows this? Did you just go along with the break up or did you try to save the relationship? Is there a possibility of another man/woman? Did you tell her how you feel and this is the result?

 

She is very young. Without knowing any of the above it is hard to tell if she is panicking about being serious at a young age or the opposite ... just feeling it isn't going anywhere special ... or just that in her mind it has run its course.

Edited December 19, 2014 by JK79

[Trimmer]

The truth is, I really love her so much and want her back. Even though she broke up with me, I can't help but care about her. I know in my heart I would give anything it took to have her as my girlfriend again. Anyways, we think we will meet again in about 2 weeks to exchange some forgotten stuff (I will be out of town). I really know that I want her to be my girlfriend again. Is there any advice anyone can give?

 

I know I'll probably get some stick for wanting a girl who broke up with me, but we are too close to give up now.

Here's a very important point: unless she feels the same way, your feelings of closeness and unwillingness to give up won't change anything. I recognize these as valid feelings on your part, but unless they are shared on her side, it doesn't change anything: she has decided not to be with you any more.

 

Thank you for your answer, jab116. I figured someone would tell me that she isn't worth it, but she sure is. We literally have told stuff that no one else knows and we know each other better than anyone. I know probably more people will tell me to let her go, but I literally care about her as much as I care about my siblings.

Again, unless she feels something of the same, this won't matter in the equation of whether you guys get back together or not.

 

These feelings on your part will definitely make it harder for you to move on (as is always true with the "dumpee", or the "one who is dumped.") Of course you still have feelings... you weren't the one who wanted to end it.

 

But the fact is, she did end it. Not only does she not think it's worth fighting for, she doesn't even think it's worth sticking around for. As a matter of fact, it's not even worth not hurting your feelings - for whatever reason, she decided - she needed - to leave the relationship. I know that's a hard truth, but it will help you to recognize that you guys are in two very different places on this subject. You can't assume "how we feel" about things any more.

 

And that will make the next part harder. You will be overwhelmingly relieved that she wants to "stay friends", because it will give you just a little taste of that drug you crave. So you will do whatever it takes: wag your tail, roll over, lie at her feet (all metaphorically, of course...)

 

And why does she do it? Because she has made it clear: no relationship, but as long as you are around to lean on, to be her frieeeend, to call upon when she needs something, then it works for her. And you will snap to attention and be there at a moment's notice, because you will think that showering her with attention will keep you connected. But all this while, she's got what she needs (emotional support) without the part she wanted to get rid of (the relationship.) And she will keep that up for as long as it works for her. Which means, basically, as long as you are willing, and until she eventually starts dating someone else.

 

And, incidentally, showering her with attention probably won't help your cause (of getting back together). What it will do will be to settle her in a nice, comfortable routine, where she can have you as much as she wants, and also reject you as much as she needs.

 

And so, for you, it will get progressively more frustrating - being stuck in that routine. You will be feeling like "I want to move forward" (or back, really, right?) and she will be acting like "hey, I told you, we are now friends - we agreed on that, right?"

 

And so you will come back here and ask what the heck is up, and we will tell you either that (a) you should move on without her, and do what is called "No Contact" or "NC" for short , or (b) if there is any chance of getting her back, it won't happen by being a doormat/servant (or what some will crudely but appropriately refer to as "her emotional tampon") Instead, the only hope will be to separate from her, move on and truly move forward without her.

 

Now, in this scenario, maybe you don't go full No Contact, but you certainly are not very available to her. You're not her servant or her doormat, and really, you don't have a lot of time to sit around and brush her hair and be her frieeeend, because you are out having a life. You may find info on here about "doing the 180" - that tends to apply to marriages and somewhat more mature relationships than yours (truly, no offense intended...) but read up on that and you'll get the general idea.

 

You need to build your life, for you, and not around her or for her. Ultimately, the only hope of attracting her back is NOT to hang around and be a puppy dog, but to move on and build a life that she wants to join back up with.

 

And the wonderful thing about this path, is that this is what you should be doing anyway - for yourself. Build the life that you want to live, as a strong, confident individual, and this is the best way to be ready to be with whatever partner you eventually end up with, whether it's her or someone else, further down the line.

 

It boils down to this: if the purpose of your life becomes her, that actually won't make you all that interesting to her, except as a servant. The best thing for you right now (and into the future) is to go out, move forward, and start living again.

 

Look dude, you don't want to hear it, but there's probably only a very small chance that the two of you will end up together in the long run. But the only way to nurture that chance is to move forward and become yourself. Sticking around and putting everything on hold to concentrate on being her servant/friend isn't going to move you forward, nor will it "get her back."

 

I'm sure others will chime in here - and maybe even counter some of my points, but that's my take on it. I've been a little blunt, but not out of any hostility or lack of empathy - I know this sucks, and I know you feel strongly and you believe in "us" and you think "we" are worth fighting for. I get that.

 

But I'm telling you that you need to steer yourself around forward again, and start moving into your future. In the long run, either she'll want to be with you or she won't. And your "fighting" will have only a minor effect on that - it will depend on her. But the thing you need is not to put your life on hold as a servant. Go and be free and move forward and continue building a life that you want to live, and somewhere down the road, someone (whoever she ends up being) will eventually be a part of it again.

[tightrope23]

Thank you all so much for the quick responses! I really appreciate and read all of them! I am heading to the airport in a bit, so I'll make this as straight to the point as I can.

 

Trimmer, you gave a lot of information that was very useful. I do see what you're saying and I think part of you is right. And I probably should move "get her back" down my list of life goals. We were very serious about our relationship though, and despite her only being 17, we were talking about a future together. We never set anything in stone because we both have things going on with college right now (I'm a sophomore, she's a high school senior). I don't want to ignore everyone's advice, considering I asked for help, but I still want her back. Maybe it will take a while, maybe it only takes me telling her exactly how I feel about her. I would have no idea.

 

Not singling out Trimmer in particular, but his (her? I dunno I didn't check haha) information was very detailed and very helpful. Thank you ALL so much for the responses! I'll hopefully see more answers when I get to the hotel!

[Light Breeze]

See this thread in the Second Chances section. It might help Idk.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/462922-if-you-want-them-back

[genuinelyloverly7]

After I left my ex of 8 years, I felt so lost without him in my life. I was the one to leave, but it is like cutting off my arm. So I tried to keep him in my life for familiarity's sake. Not a good idea. For him or I. So she might just be trying to get used to the new reality. It isn't easy, or even the best thing for hr to do to you. But ya'll are young. So it is a learning process.

 

You are going to notice the loss, and feel the space where it used to be. I tried to keep up a friendship with him, but it wasn't realistic. We needed heeling time apart from each other if we wanted to keep a friendship after. And we didn't allow for that.

 

If you want anything with her later, you must let it happen naturally. Give her space; give yourself space from her. Process all your feelings honestly. And if after a few relationships (with real feelings, not just sex or friendship), you still feel she is the one, see what she is up to. But don't set yourself up with expectations for a reunion.

 

I have a BFF who got married at 18 to her HS sweetheart. They have had the usual life's ups and downs. But they are going strong and happy now. I think maturity is a better indicated of readiness. Age is a general indication of maturity, so that is what people are responding to here, I think.