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Would confessing needing to be just friends for now, doom attraction?


notaplayer

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Hello all,

 

I'm new here so go easy on me! :) I have a situation that I could really use advice on so here goes.

 

I am in a long term relationship at the moment. About a year ago, I met a woman that I was very attracted to and I'm pretty sure she felt the same for me. At the time, I was going through a difficult time with my long term girlfriend. Due to the circumstances, I felt it best not to keep in contact with this woman because there was strong attraction and I didn't want to do anything to hurt my girlfriend. During this past year, we have worked on the relationship, went to counseling, etc. but I'm not feeling it will work out for me.

 

In the meantime, I just recently ran into the same other woman and we hit it off again. I did go to a joint event with her and have had a few meetings with other people around, etc. My girlfriend knows her, but not well.

 

I have flirted a little with her and she just mildly with me, but nothing inappropriate. I joked with her about something that prompted a reply from her that said "you are taken". My guess is that if I were available, she would be open to dating...90% certain.

 

So here is my question. If I am honest about my situation and tell her that I would like to spend more time with her, but I can only do it as friends now, would that kill attraction from her and put me into the dreaded friend zone forever?

 

Or, should I just not mention things are rocky and just continue as friends but communicate on a limited basis?

 

I really do like this person and I don't see a long term relationship with my current girlfriend, yet I want to remain respectful to her. FYI, due to various circumstances, I just cannot break things off at the moment. We live together and there are other issues at hand.

 

Any suggestions as to how to handle this? Thanks so much!!

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DivorcedDad123

That's a tough one. You're kinda caught in a "right person/wrong time" situation.

The problem I foresee is her thinking that she's just a backup plan if you tell her you you would be spending more time with her,but ya kinda got this girlfriend thingy.

I wouldn't say anything to her. Wait until you're free and clear from your gf and then contact her. She may have moved on and found someone,but that's life.

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Let me be blunt. I came across many men like you.

 

 

You are weak, you lack spine to break up your dead-end relationship in fear of being alone. You want to make sure when you leave the woman currently in your life you will have a safety net waiting for you (another woman).

 

You are not happy with your current relationship? END IT.

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Hello all,

 

I'm new here so go easy on me! :) I have a situation that I could really use advice on so here goes.

 

I am in a long term relationship at the moment. About a year ago, I met a woman that I was very attracted to and I'm pretty sure she felt the same for me. At the time, I was going through a difficult time with my long term girlfriend. Due to the circumstances, I felt it best not to keep in contact with this woman because there was strong attraction and I didn't want to do anything to hurt my girlfriend. During this past year, we have worked on the relationship, went to counseling, etc. but I'm not feeling it will work out for me.

 

In the meantime, I just recently ran into the same other woman and we hit it off again. I did go to a joint event with her and have had a few meetings with other people around, etc. My girlfriend knows her, but not well.

 

I have flirted a little with her and she just mildly with me, but nothing inappropriate. I joked with her about something that prompted a reply from her that said "you are taken". My guess is that if I were available, she would be open to dating...90% certain.

 

So here is my question. If I am honest about my situation and tell her that I would like to spend more time with her, but I can only do it as friends now, would that kill attraction from her and put me into the dreaded friend zone forever?

 

Or, should I just not mention things are rocky and just continue as friends but communicate on a limited basis?

 

I really do like this person and I don't see a long term relationship with my current girlfriend, yet I want to remain respectful to her. FYI, due to various circumstances, I just cannot break things off at the moment. We live together and there are other issues at hand.

 

Any suggestions as to how to handle this? Thanks so much!!

 

If I were the new friend and you told me "let's be friends until I dump my current girlfriend . . . and by the way, wait for me so we can date", I'd say, fine, we can be friends, but I am going to continue dating other people".

It's kinda like a woman waiting for a man who keeps saying he's getting a divorce. They continue to be friends, they eventually break down and have sex, and the guy never gets divorced.

 

If you continue a friendship with her with the feelings you have, you will get closer and likely become intimate. The whole still with girlfriend will kill it in the end.

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Let me be blunt. I came across many men like you.

 

 

You are weak, you lack spine to break up your dead-end relationship in fear of being alone. You want to make sure when you leave the woman currently in your life you will have a safety net waiting for you (another woman).

 

You are not happy with your current relationship? END IT.

 

OK, to be open so I can get some real advise, here's the deal. She has a very serious illness at the moment...feel better??

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OK, to be open so I can get some real advise, here's the deal. She has a very serious illness at the moment...feel better??

 

It doesn't matter. Your girlfriend deserves better and you should end it no matter what the situation. You are doing her no favors by getting to know another girl behind her back. Be real.

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You're thinking to far ahead. Stop tryinging to make everyone happy and live in the present. Whoever you want to be with right now should be the one you are focusing on. If that ends up being girlfriend fine. If that's this new girl, that's fine focus on yourself and what you want now. That being said if you do choose your girlfriend don't mention her to the new girl, that will kill the attraction and bite you in the ass. No person wants to come in 2nd place.

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OK, to be open so I can get some real advise, here's the deal. She has a very serious illness at the moment...feel better??

 

Shame on you! The woman in your life has a serious illness and you're wondering if some other girl has it for you.

 

Get a cold shower!! and take care of your sick girlfriend!

 

If YOU were sick and your gf's mind was on some other dude how would you feel !

 

If your girlfriend has an illness like cancer then assist her! the way she would assist you! If she has an incurable illness like MS than break up with her. The last thing she needs is your pity.

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Let me be blunt. I came across many men like you.

 

 

You are weak, you lack spine to break up your dead-end relationship in fear of being alone. You want to make sure when you leave the woman currently in your life you will have a safety net waiting for you (another woman).

 

You are not happy with your current relationship? END IT.

 

I can assure you that there are many women like this, many.

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You are interested in her as a romantic partner, that is clear. As in this is 90% non-platonic, not 10%.

 

You could try to keep your girlfriend secret from her, or you could be upfront and see what her reaction is.

 

Or, you could break it off with the girlfriend and you would really be free. That is what I would do and probably what I would insist on if I were in the new woman's shoes.

 

Or, you could keep the girlfriend. In that case, I would recommend forgetting about the new one. i.e. if you can't do that, do your girlfriend (and yourself) a favor and let her go.

 

I've been in this situation but as the "new man." This is what I say speaking from my experience there.

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I can assure you that there are many women like this, many.

 

I know! My best friend is like this and she drives me up the wall. It's still not right.

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Okay look, OP, you're gonna be catching flack because some of us have been in your girlfriend's situation or know a man/woman who has. I've been in that situation.

 

I cannot even express to you how bad it stings when you find out that the person you loved was just with you because they felt sorry for you, but they never were really into you, AND they were always secretly into someone else. It is a terribad feeling.

 

And you seem at least logical enough to understand this. But, we humans often find ways to trick ourselves into believing that our cowardice is actually some kind of noble and benevolent intention. Very classic example is when a woman turns down a guy by saying, "I just like you as a friend," or turns him down for a date by saying, "I can't, I have to wash my dog that weekend." Instead of just having the respect and guts to say, "I'm flattered that you thought I was worth asking out, but you're not my type." In her mind on a subconscious level the woman believes that she is being nice by coming up with excuses and ****. When really deep down the guy knows he's being rejected, but as though he's too fragile and stupid to be told straight up. Are you feelin what I'm sayin here?

 

If you are a genuinely honorable, kind and respectful person, then you will tell your girlfriend that the relationship just isn't going to work for you, but that you care about her as a fellow human whom you have spent a lot of meaningful time with, and so you want to know how she wants to handle it. Then you will respect her decision. And you will wait until it's sorted out before you start anything with another woman. K?

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todreaminblue

hi not a player......you have admitted an attraction and not wanting to put yourself in the friend zone forever with this woman.....you are already in an emotional affair.....on a long term gf......you have to end the relationship you are in or be honest to your gf you have now.......because thats the only right way to handle this situation....

 

 

 

you are keeping certain parts of you hidden from your gf and that isnt fair...she has the right to say how she feels about the situation and then decide if she wants to stay......give your gf the respect she deserves from you and tell her....if you decide to stay with her i feel counselling and couples therapy might be an appropriate avenue for you to take...good luck...deb

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Shame on you! The woman in your life has a serious illness and you're wondering if some other girl has it for you.

 

Get a cold shower!! and take care of your sick girlfriend!

 

If YOU were sick and your gf's mind was on some other dude how would you feel !

 

If your girlfriend has an illness like cancer then assist her! the way she would assist you! If she has an incurable illness like MS than break up with her. The last thing she needs is your pity.

 

Is she really "ill"? I mean, I've seen chicks pull the "I'm sick card" and/or the "I'm gonna kill myself card" when they felt the guy was slipping away. I know my response sounds cold, but I wouldn't have raised it if I didn't see it in real life.

 

I'm sorry, but I do not see where the OP has an obligation to "nurse" a girlfriend. She is not his wife. If he wants to move on, he can always be a form of support for her as a "friend".

 

A. Maybe it is best you remain "friendly" (wave "Hi", maybe small chat in passing - but no hanging out with her). Cuz yeah, she might think you're trying to check her out before you check out on your current RL...and "if" you two ever hit it off, she may wonder if you'll be creeping behind her back. Now, she may end up dating someone else - but that's a risk you take.

 

B. But I don't see an issue with you being blunt with her like you did with us here. What is so hard in saying that you love your gf, have been trying to work things out, are attracted to the new chick - but out of respect for your current RL, you have restrained yourself from doing anything with anyone. IMO, I would respect a guy who was blunt with me like that. And, if I decide to continue contact with him after that, then that's my problem - not like he was trying to play both people and/or lead me on.

 

But, even if you are blunt with her like "B", she still may end up not wanting to risk herself - but at least she knows where she stands with you, just in case one day you come her way.

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Okay look, OP, you're gonna be catching flack because some of us have been in your girlfriend's situation or know a man/woman who has. I've been in that situation.

 

I cannot even express to you how bad it stings when you find out that the person you loved was just with you because they felt sorry for you, but they never were really into you, AND they were always secretly into someone else. It is a terribad feeling.

 

And you seem at least logical enough to understand this. But, we humans often find ways to trick ourselves into believing that our cowardice is actually some kind of noble and benevolent intention. Very classic example is when a woman turns down a guy by saying, "I just like you as a friend," or turns him down for a date by saying, "I can't, I have to wash my dog that weekend." Instead of just having the respect and guts to say, "I'm flattered that you thought I was worth asking out, but you're not my type." In her mind on a subconscious level the woman believes that she is being nice by coming up with excuses and ****. When really deep down the guy knows he's being rejected, but as though he's too fragile and stupid to be told straight up. Are you feelin what I'm sayin here?

 

If you are a genuinely honorable, kind and respectful person, then you will tell your girlfriend that the relationship just isn't going to work for you, but that you care about her as a fellow human whom you have spent a lot of meaningful time with, and so you want to know how she wants to handle it. Then you will respect her decision. And you will wait until it's sorted out before you start anything with another woman. K?

 

Thank you! Finally, some really good advice and not judgement. Very much appreciated!

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I'm sorry, but I do not see where the OP has an obligation to "nurse" a girlfriend. She is not his wife. If he wants to move on, he can always be a form of support for her as a "friend".

 

Thank you, another great answer! Well, we have been together for 8 years and while not married, are pretty much partners. However, I do like your advice about being there for her while not being the "boyfriend" any longer. As far as being sick, yeah, it is genuine.

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It really depends on what your gf being "sick" actually means. Whether she is short term sick, or long term sick.

Short term sick can end up as long term sick, or longer term sick than you may envisionage now.

 

You have to decide how this sickness will impact on you and your future happiness, especially as you do not see your current relationship lasting long term.

 

Caring long term for a sick gf is going to be very hard, doubly hard if you are no longer invested in her.

 

However, you have to ask yourself is this year long "crush" for want of a better word, the real reason you and your gf have not been getting along?

At eight years, has your current relationship run its course and you are perhaps fantasising slightly and placing too much emphasis on this new woman,

because you see her as a way out and a solution to your gf problem.

 

Do not contemplate stringing both along, as that will lead to hurt and upset in all quarters.

If your gf's sickness is very short term eg she has had major surgery perhaps and is going to be fine, then waiting a few weeks is no big deal,

but if she has mental health issues, cancer, or some terminal, incurable disease then weeks can turn into months, can turn into years

and hard as it is, you have to tell her you cannot commit to her any more.

 

I think you need to be honest with this new woman, re your current situation and perhaps you also need to know where you stand with her too.

Perhaps you misread her interest, if she is indeed not interested now or in the future, (some people are just naturally flirty)

then that gives you an opportunity to perhaps work harder at solving the issues with your gf, if that is possible.

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