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Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?


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Old 30th October 2004, 12:38 PM   #1
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Question Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?

I have been dating the same person for around 10 years now. We have had our ups and downs. In the last couple of years I have been doubting her dedication to the relationship and why she is really in it. I often wonder if she is really for me. Some of the things she does and the way she acts makes me want to look elsewhere.

I am a 31 year old male and she is 30, so the age thing is not an issue. Personality wise, we are almost total opposites. I tend to be shy and not real social. She is outgoing and always talking, making new friends, etc. She likes to be straightforward and tells it like it is. I am more of "I want to be Mr. Nice Guy". She has a large group of friends, I have a small close knit group of friends. Just about all things we are opposites, yet we have stayed together these past 10 years.

What has really got me doubting is some things that she does or does not do.

(1) In the 10 years we have been together we have not had sexual intercourse. She always comes up with some reason, first it was we are not married. Then it was she has to find the right birth control. After that is was, the time was not right. Now it is she is sick. These are all legit reasons, but to me it seems she is just putting me off. We both have sexual attraction towards each other, but she does not seem to want to go all the way.

(2)She dislikes certain people, which includes most of my family. I know not everyone in the world can get along, but she picks and chooses whom she likes or dislikes without a legitimate reason and never gives them a chance. She dislikes most of my family because her younger brother did not like them. She never tried to get along, just by the say of her brother, she came to dislike them. She dislikes my mother because my mother has paintings of Indians on her living room wall. My girlfriend is half White Mountain Apache, so I could see reasoning behind this, but she loves my grandparents and they have similar paintings.

(3)She has several illnesses that disallow her to work, but she refuses to collect disability, thus putting all the financial burden on me. When I push her on the subject she says that does not want to depend on the government for anything, but yet she has no problem excepting financial aid for schooling. She also tells me that the government will not let her collect disability, but I have never even seen her speak to anyone about it.

(4)She makes up lies about what people say or do. She is always telling me about things my family supposedly says to her, but when I go back and ask, I am given a totally different story. Usually what she tells me is they said something bad to her.

(5)She constantly makes fun of my hobbies, TV shows, movies and music I listen to. I have never said anything bad about her interests, even if I think they are strange, etc.

She is not mistreated. I bend over backwards for her. I am always there for her when she needs me. I believe in her when others do not. She tells me she loves me, but then does nothing to resolve any of the above. I have had recent thoughts of seeking someone else. Am I just running from this or should I get rid of her and all the baggage? I love her, but I really cannot take anymore of this. She and I have spoken of these issues and she agreed that change needs to be done, but it never happens. Please, any advice would be welcome.
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Old 30th October 2004, 3:05 PM   #2
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Your case is quite interesting (sorry if it looks like I have some morbid fascination for unusual situation).

Concerning:

1) That is very strange. I don´t know what or when it is a good moment to have closer intimate contact, but I guess when you´re in love sooner or later you will feel an urge to get physically closer and 10 years is such an awfully long, painfully long time. Hm, often people will not even need to be in love to want... How often do you see her? Honestly, I don´t understand how you can date someone for such a long time without ever really having you-know-what, I would be tremendously frustrated. Sincerely if there are not any strong reasons like religion or something similar then I´d recommend you to think carefully about your relationship and your girlfriend and if it´s really that healthy for you. You seem to be a nice guy and you shouldn´t put your own needs back like this. I believe that people have different libidos that vary, but one that is low?

2) Talk with her and ask her for the exact reasons. This is childish behavior.

3) Once again, talk to her, she can´t expect you to pay all the time. Maybe she feels embarrassed to have so many diseases to be eligible for disability, I guess, it´s not something that everybody would like to admit. And she seems to be a proud person. Getting financial aid for schooling is different.

4) That point is absolutely inacceptable. Dishonesty is a red flag in any relationship whether it involves friends, family, etc.

5) You have to clear that with her. Sometimes people say things without realizing that it´s not appropiate and hurtful. I used to make jokes all the time till I realized that even little remarks can look like criticism if you repeat them often enough and usually they´re not even very funny.

Talk and put things straight. I think you have every right to doubt this relationship and the point you raised are valid.
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Old 30th October 2004, 8:47 PM   #3
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Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?

I have talked and talked to her. Some things she agreed to work on, but never does. An example is making fun of my hobbies, she promised not to but a few weeks later is back to doing it. When I remind her of her promise, she says she is sorry. Rinse, repeat.

When I talked to her about not getting along with my family, she just tells me that I am wrong and that I am letting them walk all over me. She says they are lieing.

Pretty much everything else goes the same. She will not admit that she might be in the wrong. I even tried to get her to go to relationship counciling. She would not go, stating that I am the only one with issues. This has been for pretty much most of the relationship.

I think deep down I really want out, but my feelings get in the way. I am either afraid of hurting her, afraid of being alone again, afraid she my do something to her self or afraid that I am getting out for selfish reasons because it got to hard.
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Old 31st October 2004, 6:44 AM   #4
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I´d hate to tell you to leave your girlfriend, but I have to admit that not even I after 10 years would think that the situation is ok. I think I can be excessively clingy, but there´s a point where you shouldn´t let yourself get treated so badly. In my eyes 10 years is really a long time to make things work out, if they don´t at this moment, they´ll probably never will be, no matter how hard you try. I just don´t see any common grounds here, where´s the kindness and affection from your girlfriend? I know that some people are not into the physical thing, but if it lacks completely over such a long period of time, then I really really think something is rotten here.

I have talked and talked to her. Some things she agreed to work on, but never does. An example is making fun of my hobbies, she promised not to but a few weeks later is back to doing it. When I remind her of her promise, she says she is sorry. Rinse, repeat.

She is not respecting you and what you like as your hobby. She´s putting you down for fun, you shouldn´t let anybody do this with you, absolutely not, nobody deserves this.


When I talked to her about not getting along with my family, she just tells me that I am wrong and that I am letting them walk all over me. She says they are lieing.

Do you think your family is treating you badly?


Pretty much everything else goes the same. She will not admit that she might be in the wrong. I even tried to get her to go to relationship counciling. She would not go, stating that I am the only one with issues. This has been for pretty much most of the relationship.

That girl has issues on her own and if she doesn´t recognize it, then I don´t know how you will be able to change her.


I think deep down I really want out, but my feelings get in the way. I am either afraid of hurting her, afraid of being alone again, afraid she my do something to her self or afraid that I am getting out for selfish reasons because it got to hard.

Sincerely, I understand that you don´t want to give up, I´m also like this, I resent the idea of giving up on someone if you truly have feelings for this person, I just think that 10 years is such a long long time to be alone even though you have a so-called girlfriend. You could be happy with someone else and your girlfriend, if she thinks she´s so great that she has the right to step all over you and neglect your wishes then she will surely either find someone else who deserves her or she´ll wake up and see that she has to change. She might be the kind of person who doesn´t act till things get serious, as far as now, she´s not worried that her behavior is harmful for the relationship. She is disrespectful, because she can do it.

I can assure you, being alone is not that bad, it can be crappy sometimes, and sometimes it will make you stronger. You will discover a lot about yourself. And when you´re ready you´ll find someone new if you want to.
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Old 31st October 2004, 7:05 AM   #5
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kooky's advice is spot on: going-it-alone is infinitely preferable to the 10-year mother-of-all-dysfunctional relationships you're suffering through.

Unless you have a masochistic streak a mile wide, and you might in that you've waited 10 years and counting for sexual intercourse with her, I'd exit stage left.

Very, very few people would last 10 weeks, let alone 10 years, in the "relationship" you describe. And she's not even a nice person!

Cut the cord before the cord cuts you.
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Old 31st October 2004, 9:26 AM   #6
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Okay, here's a hokey idea, but sometimes it helps to clarify things in your own mind. Make a list of the pros of having her in your life, and cons of having her in your life.

I agree with kooky and immoralist though, I really believe you'd be better off alone. It doesn't seem that she is contributing anything positive to your life.
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Old 31st October 2004, 1:23 PM   #7
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Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?

Actually I have been doing that very thing Matilda. I sat down last night and started making a list of the positive and negatives in the relationship. So far it is ratio of 5 to 1, in the negatives favor. Its funny how just making a list shows how truly bad the relationship is. It is looking like I should get out. In actuality it looks like I should have gotten out long ago.

As for if I think my family is mistreating me, I don't think that way. The family definitely has some issues, but we all love and care for each other. In fact the family has grown stronger with my mother's stroke that put her in a wheelchair. It seems as if my girlfriend does not want me to have strong ties to my family and is trying to sabotage it. I get the feeling she thinks me weak for not wanting to break those ties.

As for the sexual intercourse part. It not about having just sex with her. Its about being that intamite with her, sharing that part of a relationship. With her not doing it for 10 years, its as if she is keeping me at a safe distance and is unwilling to put that commitment into the relationship. If it was just about the sex I would have found someone else for a "sex buddy".

I definitely have things to think about. Thanks for the posts so far. It has been helpful in bring confidence to myself in that I am not in the wrong here, especially after "she" has beaten mentally into me that she is right and everyone else is wrong.
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Old 31st October 2004, 3:50 PM   #8
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You're far from being the only person who has realixed they have spent many years in a relationship that is an overall negative for them. It's amazing how that rut can come to feel "normal". If the negatives are 5X the positives, then yes, it's time to go. After you have been out for a few months, you may be amazed at how much better you understand what was going on.

Another data point: As a thought experiment only, if you were just to pick up almost any random woman who appeals to you even slightly, chances are good that you could have a better relationship than you have had with this one.
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Old 31st October 2004, 4:02 PM   #9
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Re: Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?

Quote:
Originally posted by Jaeger72
I have been dating the same person for around 10 years now. We have had our ups and downs. In the last couple of years I have been doubting her dedication to the relationship and why she is really in it. I often wonder if she is really for me. Some of the things she does and the way she acts makes me want to look elsewhere.

I am a 31 year old male and she is 30, so the age thing is not an issue. Personality wise, we are almost total opposites. I tend to be shy and not real social. She is outgoing and always talking, making new friends, etc. She likes to be straightforward and tells it like it is. I am more of "I want to be Mr. Nice Guy". She has a large group of friends, I have a small close knit group of friends. Just about all things we are opposites, yet we have stayed together these past 10 years.

What has really got me doubting is some things that she does or does not do.

(1) In the 10 years we have been together we have not had sexual intercourse. She always comes up with some reason, first it was we are not married. Then it was she has to find the right birth control. After that is was, the time was not right. Now it is she is sick. These are all legit reasons, but to me it seems she is just putting me off. We both have sexual attraction towards each other, but she does not seem to want to go all the way.

(2)She dislikes certain people, which includes most of my family. I know not everyone in the world can get along, but she picks and chooses whom she likes or dislikes without a legitimate reason and never gives them a chance. She dislikes most of my family because her younger brother did not like them. She never tried to get along, just by the say of her brother, she came to dislike them. She dislikes my mother because my mother has paintings of Indians on her living room wall. My girlfriend is half White Mountain Apache, so I could see reasoning behind this, but she loves my grandparents and they have similar paintings.

(3)She has several illnesses that disallow her to work, but she refuses to collect disability, thus putting all the financial burden on me. When I push her on the subject she says that does not want to depend on the government for anything, but yet she has no problem excepting financial aid for schooling. She also tells me that the government will not let her collect disability, but I have never even seen her speak to anyone about it.

(4)She makes up lies about what people say or do. She is always telling me about things my family supposedly says to her, but when I go back and ask, I am given a totally different story. Usually what she tells me is they said something bad to her.

(5)She constantly makes fun of my hobbies, TV shows, movies and music I listen to. I have never said anything bad about her interests, even if I think they are strange, etc.

She is not mistreated. I bend over backwards for her. I am always there for her when she needs me. I believe in her when others do not. She tells me she loves me, but then does nothing to resolve any of the above. I have had recent thoughts of seeking someone else. Am I just running from this or should I get rid of her and all the baggage? I love her, but I really cannot take anymore of this. She and I have spoken of these issues and she agreed that change needs to be done, but it never happens. Please, any advice would be welcome.
Hell, yes.

And when you're done with that, I've got a nice cross you can climb up on and I'll nail you to it, you big Martyr. I am absolutely floored that you've dated this woman for 10 years and never boinked her, once. Have you even seen her naked? If not, then I'm pretty sure she's a man.
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Old 31st October 2004, 4:14 PM   #10
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Re: Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?

Quote:
Originally posted by Jaeger72
As for the sexual intercourse part. It not about having just sex with her. Its about being that intamite with her, sharing that part of a relationship. With her not doing it for 10 years, its as if she is keeping me at a safe distance and is unwilling to put that commitment into the relationship. If it was just about the sex I would have found someone else for a "sex buddy".
I understand that, but I was also talking about some simple things like a hug and a kiss, some signs of affection. That is very important and I think nobody should be with someone who doesn´t want us to hug them.

Quote:
Originally posted by Mr Spock And when you're done with that, I've got a nice cross you can climb up on and I'll nail you to it, you big Martyr.


I`m sorry Jaeger72 that I laugh, but that is too funny. She put it very bluntly, but she´s right. Stop letting your girlfriend treat you so badly. See, everybody would like you to get out and find some real happiness.
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Old 31st October 2004, 4:43 PM   #11
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Should I end a 10 year relationship or not?

I applaude Mr Spock's bluntness. Seeing all of these posts has convinced me to get the hell out.

To answer the question of sex, yes I have seen her naked and yes she is most definately a woman. We have been intamite, hugging, kissing. other more sexual things, just no intercourse. I have the feeling that she is doing it more for my benefit so that I do not leave, than she actually means it.
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Old 31st October 2004, 8:59 PM   #12
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Good. Run away. You need to be with someone who can't keep their hands off of you, and loves your family.
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