Can I turn this around? Long post

[Perrier]

Hi all, A guy I met at a dating event last year, propositioned me but I declined. This year we met again at another event, he restated his interest to my face but said he doesn't think I would want to date him. Anyway I’ve now been seeing him for 5 months. Since dating we've had gaps of 2.5 wks, 4 wks, 3 wks and 7 wks with little communication and no date. He pursued me furiously in the beginning so I'm surprised by the change. We live an hour apart. We communicate by text because he’s not a phone person, though he's verbally literate and articulate. Initially I expressed unhappiness at text-only communication and he called and apologised profusely and said he’d make effort to change but nothing happened. I wanted to end things but he told me not to be 'hasty.'

 

After our current 7 week break (after I'd had to reassure him - see below), we had a home date, I cooked for him and we were intimate. He returned home same night as he'd brought no next day clothes after leaving home for work late that morning. Initially he’d broken up with me days before our home date saying I’d be unhappy with the latest dating gap and 'insist' we ‘start again’ and that he was ‘tired of the resets.’ But I’ve never said such a thing and pointed this out.

 

I told him it felt like he was looking for deal breakers and bad outcomes where there were none. Months before, he'd blown up saying he didn't think it unreasonable to want to be intimate with someone he was seeing 'for months' when I deflected a home date suggestion after a month apart. I needed to assess our situation so suggested we date outdoors as before till I knew where we stood. He told me he felt ‘under constant tests’ then phoned to apologise, and that he couldn’t substantiate his statement and was wrong. He said he was frustrated because we seemed to be one step forward, two steps back. He told me he'll make mistakes and I should be willing to overlook 'small things' while getting to know him. He also stated that sometimes I will have to ‘talk sense’ into him. I suggested he take his own advice of discussing ‘problems’ before they fester.

 

We’ve been intimate twice only (once in month 2 & again in month 5) so I don’t think he wants only sex. He even stated that. He also stated after our first intimate encounter that he ‘likes' me and ‘wanted to establish a relationship’ before getting physical.

 

In October I'd been trying to contact him for a week, he texted his phone had malfunctioned, (tho according to my phone the msgs had been delivered). Then he called and said he was going abroad for a fortnight to see his parents and family & he’d contact me from there. He didn’t but I sent him a 'welcome back' text a fortnight later. I suspect he never left the UK as I texted him from another phone and he replied at the time he would have finished work in the UK (it would have been 2 am abroad). Before he left he stated we are dating and it's silly for me to wonder because he’d tell me if he wanted out.

 

At our home date last week he stated I don’t listen to him (he’d previously asked for sexy pics and was unhappy I wouldn’t send any) but I reiterated I needed to feel safe with him first like in the beginning.

 

He said he’d been cold and distant for the last 2 months because he was making up his mind about us and now he wants to continue. He also said he thought when we started dating things 'would be moving forward' and they hadn’t been.

 

I miss our early dates, getting to know each other and going for cinema, meals or art gallery. Now the romantic summer weekends are gone and we never did anything weekend anyway.

 

Fast forward, he hasn’t texted since 8 days ago - we tentatively were to meet this week. He hasn’t replied my text of 2 days ago either, which is hurtful and disrespectful. He's 29, I’m in my early 40s. I've had two LT relationships, he describes being intimate 'with very few women.' Perhaps our 'limited' experience has made us have high expectations. He’s a financier with long hours at times and I work from home.

 

I like him but don't want to keep 'talking sense' in to him as he said I may have to. I’ve been completely single for years prior to this and I'm wondering where I lost track with this guy.

 

How can I turn this situation around?

 

Thanks in advance for any objective advice. Bless :-).

Edited December 13, 2014 by Perrier

[mitzimojo1]

Someone once said to me that if its this hard at the beginning then its never going to work. And I believe it.

 

What is hard is that we remember those blissful initial days together, full of love and happiness and hope. But those are the early days of love and once they pass what you are left with is what you will have to live with. You do NOT want to love a guy who doesn't want to talk, who disappears for weeks at a time, who lies to you, who criticizes you.

 

You are just fine on your own. Walk away from this one and find someone who can carry those early days on into the future....

[deathandtaxes]

Even living an hour apart, it looks like neither of you make much attempt at seeing each other with such glaring gaps. And the repeated break-ups? Why do you even bother with this guy?

[Perrier]

@ deathandtaxes - the glaring gaps are from him not being able to meet due to work commitments, or so he said. During the latest gap of 7 weeks I had been 'pursuing' him to meet as I figured we were far enough into dating for me to be more proactive. During this time he was abroad for a fortnight and was considering whether he wanted to continue or not.

 

@ mitzimojo1 - thanks for your pertinent reply. I am considering walking away as I'm tired of his moods. and lack of communication. I'm just kicking myself over how things changed and I didn't see it.

 

SORRY I HAVE REALISED THE '7 WEEKS' GAP SHOULD ACTUALLY BE '6 WEEKS'

Edited December 13, 2014 by Perrier

[Perrier]

7 wks with little communication and no date.

 

Sorry I have realised this should be 6 weeks and not 7 weeks.

[semi spritzer]

Hey, you say you were only communicating via text message?

 

That in itself is a huge red flag right there. I would say he is either attached or was making sure from the outset that your encounters couldn't grow into a real relationship because you can't get a foothold.

 

Did you see signs of another woman's presence at his place?

 

Has he replied your text message yet?

Edited December 15, 2014 by semi spritzer

[Perrier]

@ semi spritzer

I'm afraid I haven't been to his place yet. He invited me there early on and I wasn't quite comfortable with that so that never happened.

 

Sometimes I feel going there would have given me more insight into his personal circumstances

[todreaminblue]

the age gap could be a consideration as experiences you have are more pronounced....as are coping skills and relationship direction...you have a firm idea of what you want and expect him to be on the same page....conversations are a two way street always and understanding of each others communication styles take time..so who leads first mostly etc......again with an age difference younger guys are going to have a style that is different to yours as yours will probably be more developed.....in saying all that

 

 

younger guys are going to adapt better to change, be more in the moment and not plan so far ahead....they will forgive little things easier and tend to not want to over analyse a situation

 

you need to be on the same page as far as direction goes and its not really a conversation you can avoid......or change to suit the other.....it isnt adaptable....you can only slow the pace....or speed it up....not change direction to suit the other.......

 

as you seem to want to define where you are at ....talk to him honestly and openly about that...see if you are on the same path...i am not the type to advise you to give up...i am the one to say ....try.......and talk it out...if you truly care about him ....

 

 

 

if it were me I would be honest about the fact you find his lack of communication disrespectful..to me lack of communication shows disregard...a quick message on a daily basis is not much to expect i feel.......and it is a flag for me....shows ignorance and immaturity..i find this to be a put off....i am not attracted to immature thinkers...its highly unattractive for me to be with a thoughtless person..i have always dated older gentlemen..gentlemen being the operative word..as in often they know i seek that old world behavior and give it to me...then revert...........but in that....you have that capacity to step up and say what you would like the communication to be regular and consistent....and see how that request is answered......at 29 there is a generational gap..a decade..and whether that can be overcome depends on the both of you......i wish you all the best....deb

Edited December 16, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Perrier]

@todreaminblue - thanks very much for your beautiful long post. I enjoyed reading it and the advice therein. This struck me ...

"i am not the type to advise you to give up...i am the one to say ....try.......and talk it out...if you truly care about him

...."

 

We're of the same old school courting mindset, and you believe in not disappearing over a small snag.

 

I've not heard anything since texting him 6 days ago. Now beginning to wonder if he's lost his phone rather than ignoring me, as last time he visited we got on well. Also he was due to see the doctor for persistent sore throat so I'm wondering if something came out of that, that is keeping him away.

 

Yes I do care about this man. I’ve noted your statements about adapting to change, being on same page etc. I can only get his feedback by talking to him and if he doesn't contact me I can ‘wait' or call him at work.

 

Age gap relationships are challenging from what I read but some do work. This guy had two age gap r’ships before me - he ended one after 6 months because the couldn't hold an intellectual convo according to him.

 

I will have a think.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Perrier

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

You've been dating him for five months, but you've only been intimate twice and only talk via text---and 15 1/2 weeks have passed with little to no contact?! It doesn't matter what this guy tells you, this is not any kind of romantic relationship. It is not possible to date someone who ignores you for weeks at a time and lies to you about his whereabouts.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he gets some kind of warped entertainment out of this. I have no other explanation for why he's so gleefully and guiltlessly stringing you along. But I also have no explanation for why you're accepting this behavior. People have more contact with the mailman than you do with this guy. Why are you bothering?

[Perrier]

Hi chimpanA - yes it does seem strange now I view it in terms of time apart versus time together, tho we did communicate during the time apart. The 2 .5 wks apart were prior to dating. He called constantly, not texting - trying to persuade me to meet for a date, and I finally caved. Since date 3 or so is when he began sticking to texting with only few calls since.

 

I'd hate to think he is getting warped enjoyment out of this - that's unnatural.

 

I like the fellow, which is why I'm still here. He seemed happy when we met two weeks ago and texted when he got home. I thought we'd ironed out his insecurities about continuing so his silence seems odd.

 

When I phoned his office anonymously last Monday I was told he may not be in that day, leading me to believe he got bad news after going to the doctor for a persistent sore throat so is lying low.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Perrier

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I'd hate to think he is getting warped enjoyment out of this - that's unnatural.

 

I agree. But such infrequent contact with the person you're allegedly dating is just as unnatural. Something here is not right.

 

When I phoned his office anonymously last Monday I was told he may not be in that day, leading me to believe he got bad news after going to the doctor for a persistent sore throat so is lying low.

 

While we're on the subject, it's not natural (or remotely appropriate) to be making anonymous calls to his workplace. You have no idea why he wasn't in; there are a million reasons and none of them are a good excuse for not contacting you after six days. You don't ignore people that way when you care about them. No one is too busy just to say hello.

 

I don't understand what's happening here but it makes me think there's a lot more than what you've said.

[Perrier]

 

While we're on the subject, it's not natural (or remotely appropriate) to be making anonymous calls to his workplace.

 

Hi chimpanA - I agree it's inappropriate to make anonymous calls to his workplace, but I didn't need to announce who I was cos soon as I asked for him I was told he may not be in that day so I left it.

 

I was going to try his workplace again a few days later and if he's there, ask him to call me. Sure he might not be pleased but what else can I do as

I can't go to his place as I only know his area but not his door.

 

It's now 2 weeks with no word from him. Since he didn't answer my text of a week ago when we tentatively were to meet I don't want to start calling / messaging his phone. The whole thing puzzles me cos he seemed good spirits when he left me 2 weeks ago.

 

 

I don't understand what's happening here but it makes me think there's a lot more than what you've said.

 

What makes you say this? And what do you think could be going on? Do ask if there's anything else you want to know

Edited December 18, 2014 by Perrier

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Of the five months you've been "dating", you have spent four months without seeing each other or in low/no contact. You have slept together twice. You don't know where he lives. He ignores you for weeks at a time. He's been to your house once and didn't spend the night. You only communicate via text message. He lies to you about where he is. Does any of that sound right to you?

 

I re-read your posts multiple times and tried to imagine various scenarios where all of this makes sense. I finally decided this guy most likely has at least one other woman or perhaps a serious girlfriend. That would explain why he wants to keep you out of his personal life. It would also explain the long gaps in contact, as he only reaches out to you when he has a break from his girlfriend/other women. Keeping your contact to text messages makes it much easier for him to control the situation and delete evidence. What he says doesn't matter, because we know he's willing to lie to you; what matters is his actions, and his actions are all about secrecy, distance, and indifference.

 

You are not this guy's first, fifth, or five hundredth priority. He has no problem going six weeks without seeing you and two weeks without even speaking to you. Block his number and don't look back---he probably won't even notice until the next time he has a free day to chase some tail.

Edited December 18, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[Satu]

You're wasting your time with this person.

 

You're trying to drink from a dry well.

 

Block, delete, and forget.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Satu

[DivorcedDad123]

I drive an hour every day to work. The distance isn't the problem here. It's the motivation to see one another. If you can't take the time out of your day to see one another,at least a few days a week,then there really is no relationship.

[Perrier]

He’s been to my place 3 times, stayed over first time, the last two times, no. I would've visited his place had he not invited me so early on - maybe that would've indicated his personal circumstances to me. All moot now anyway.

 

Just kicking myself over nearly ending things over text only comms but he phoned and pleaded not to be hasty and that he'd change / escalate dating etc. Moreover I stupidly listened to a girlfriend who told me texting is the norm and to see him again (this from a gal who deletes a guy’s number after 2 days of not hearing from him).

 

@ ChimpanA - What you say re his other woman(en) makes sense. Fading i.e. work getting ‘busy’ and working at weekends started in month 3 after he blew up when I deflected a home date; I wasn’t comfy with intimacy after a month of difficulties / no dating. Looking back, I should've twigged.

 

@ ChimpanA - Thank you, I really appreciate all your effort. It twinged me to read of his indifference but I needed to read that. Explains why he seemed blase when I mentioned his moods are painful for me to navigate. I’ve overstayed in this nonsense by being patient and understanding. Never again will I allow text comms to take place w/o at least two calls a week too.

 

@ Satu and Divorced dad – thank you too. I cannot replenish a dry well on my own, and it's true that both parties have to be motivated to meet.

 

Thanks to everyone for their input / advice

[semi spritzer]

OP I hope you will take note of the responses you've gotten. When a man keeps a woman on text message, it spells disaster regardless of what he says his reasons for doing so are.

 

Usually he does this because he already has other women so can manage them from a distance or, he wants to prevent the sole one he is talking to from getting closer, because he has no intention of allowing things to get serious.

 

Usually these men are narcissistic, emotionally incompetent, or damaged.

 

Don't beat yourself up, you wouldn't have known this as you struggled to understand him and exercised patience, only to get more 'hooked in' as time went on.

 

Has he replied to you yet?

 

The trouble is we women wait, hanging onto every glimmer these men throw us, hoping for things to get better. They rarely do

Edited December 20, 2014 by semi spritzer