Being kept a secret, because of race maybe.

[koza]

I don't know what to think anymore.

Edited November 27, 2014 by koza

[todreaminblue]

I don't know what to think anymore.

 

 

 

information? please explain......

[koza]

I don't know what to think anymore. I have been seeing this person I personally call my "boyfriend" for 4 months, but I honestly don't feel like I know who I am to him sometimes. We see a lot of each other, talk constantly, but from the way he talks, I don't believe he's ever mentioned he's been seeing me to anyone. Not his colleagues, not his friends, not his brother, and definitely not his parents. We are from a different background, and he's never dated outside of his "race". He's divorced, and so am I (and I have a child), and even though his parents supposedly are progressive and have told him that at this point they only want him to be happy, I feel he's clinging to this fear he will disappoint them because he wants to be with me.

So, I have to listen to him telling me stories of how he met some old friend who asked him if he was married or had a girlfriend, and he just answered he was divorced; how every time someone asks him what he was doing at such or such time, he just refers to the situation as being with "someone".

Two weeks ago, I plainly told him I wanted to meet some of his friends -- he's met mine once. He answered that he would be afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle it, that they'd be too tough on me. Exactly what kind of friends are those? In any case, I told him if not his friends, then his brother. I told him we could have lunch/dinner with his brother and his wife. He replied that his brother perhaps could be okay, but his sister-in-law would be too judgmental. I just said that everyone will always have an opinion about everything, no matter what.

I don't believe he's lying to me about anything. I do believe he is serious about this relationship. But the truth of the matter is that I can only be who I am, and if he cannot fully accept that himself, how can he stand up for me in front of his friends and family?

I am spending this first holiday alone, not because I have no one to spend it with, but because I believe the person I'm supposed to spend it with cannot bring himself to tell his parents he has someone to spend it with.

I am upset, but I haven't said anything to him yet. In a way, I want to see what happens when xmas and new year come. We've scheduled to spend the end of December together and to even go away maybe, although we haven't discussed new year's eve...

Do you think it is okay for me to give him an "ultimatum" at the end of the year, at this point in our relationship? We'll have been together 5 months then. I really don't like this feeling of being a not-good-enough no one. Is it too much to ask to be made a part of his life, or else be nothing?

Thanks a bunch.

Edited November 27, 2014 by koza

[todreaminblue]

hey koza,

 

 

i really do feel you need to talk to him a heart to heart on what you woudl like to progress the relationship and have it out in th eopen.........when he says again that his friends and or family will be tough on you say "well you will be there so we are in this together dont worry about me i know that you will eb there we can support each other...........tell him if he believes his friends and family are good peoples then maybe they just might surprise him......to give them and you a chance to get to know one another.....

 

 

it si a concern that you have not met his friends and family.......five months is a long time....acknowledging a relationship should be a joyous occasion one of celebration.......something that is meant to be shared with the ones that are closest to you......he is in all affect, turning it into one of trepidation for you on meeting his loved ones and friends.....

 

 

honestly this heart to heart you need to have....should be had before you go away....dont put things off you can do today to make yourself or others feel better.....you have every right to want to meet the ones he cares about .....

 

 

i will say ultimatums hardly ever work.......motivation though...positive thoughts and or actions hardly ever fail......thats why motivational speakers are the best.......he needs to feel convinced you can handle the whole meeting them thing...so convince him....and believe it yourself......thats the first step.......you can never convince anyoen of anything on this earth if first you dont believe it....believe that you will make it through....and motivate him into believing it too.....no ultimatums.....not if you love him....and want the relationship to work...be inspiring...positive..... light of heart......resolved....let him choose to introduce you by motivational means...not you forcing him to do it........deb

[koza]

Thanks for the reply, Deb.

 

That's why I put ultimatum in quotation marks. It's not exactly what I like and wish to do. I'd like to wait and then remind him that a while back I had asked him to arrange for me to meet some of the important people in his life. I see exactly what you mean that I should reinforce the fact that we're in it together. We've had discussions about it before.

I guess I'd just like for it to come from him, without me having to push it. I won't have an issue bringing it up then if that doesn't come spontaneously, but if for some reason he still cannot bring himself to see how his actions are hurtful and are just preventing the relationship from moving forward, then, to me, I do feel I'd eventually have to lay what the two fair options are. He gets to have the best of both worlds. I'm just on standby.

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the reply, Deb.

 

That's why I put ultimatum in quotation marks. It's not exactly what I like and wish to do. I'd like to wait and then remind him that a while back I had asked him to arrange for me to meet some of the important people in his life. I see exactly what you mean that I should reinforce the fact that we're in it together. We've had discussions about it before.

I guess I'd just like for it to come from him, without me having to push it. I won't have an issue bringing it up then if that doesn't come spontaneously, but if for some reason he still cannot bring himself to see how his actions are hurtful and are just preventing the relationship from moving forward, then, to me, I do feel I'd eventually have to lay what the two fair options are. He gets to have the best of both worlds. I'm just on standby.

 

i see what you mean about standby it must be hard for you to not know his family and friends.....as i said it should be a joyous thing....share the happiness thing.....and he is blocking that......so hurt comes into play...tell him its hurting you and you want that to change....he is hurting you more than they could by meeting them......

 

as far as eventually having the talk...i think its gone beyond the eventual and more in the realm of necessity...be calm....and reasonable.......tell him it can be gradual but it has to happen so the relationship to you is in progression.....not in limbo and not in secret.......if he is happy he should want to share it with those he loves....he is also denying them the opportunity in meeting you and getting to know you and sharing in that happiness you feel on being together....i hope that you have the talk soon so you can move forward ..... ......best wishes....deb

[preraph]

You should communicate. Make him get specific what he's talking about his friends being too hard on you. Yes, it may be race-related. Maybe he has old crude friends who have no tact and he's changing to where he's not really like them, but you know how old friends from childhood can be. Embarrassing sometimes. Make him be specific. Tell him you don't see how you can truly be a couple if you can't mix with friends and family. Start with the friends comment he made first. Then maybe it will lead to other conversation. Decide if you think you could handle being around them if they're crude or acting hostile or weird toward you and let him know that. Be honest. These may not be friends you need to know. Maybe you two as a couple need to make new friends. You know, people do mature and grow away from some of their old friends. Good luck. It might be too soon for him to have you meet the parents because that truly is going to be up to what he has in his mind and whether that means commitment. For some people, you don't introduce the parents unless you're really going to marry someone. For others, they'll bring every transient girlfriend around. 5 months is long enough to meet friends, but maybe not family. I've known a lot of guys who were "year" guys. If they're still with you in a year, then maybe they bring you to meet the folks. But you should be able to speak honestly to him about it, but do not do it and make it sound like it's you pressuring him to commit, because that IS how most guys think about that.

[koza]

Thank you so much for your feedback, preraph.

 

I'll just mention that, because of the way he was raised and of his culture, according to him he doesn't date just to date. In essence, he won't see a girl past a first date unless he believes there's potential for marriage.

 

I think a lot stems from our very different backgrounds. We're both immigrants. He comes from very humble beginnings but with scholarships made his way through ivy league schools. Most of his friends are rich kids with powerful positions these days. I come from middle class, but I went to grad school as well, and I stand on my own two feet. Neither he or I are materialistic. I do live a much more basic life than he does, my resources being less than his. I have the impression that he means his friends may look down on me.

The parents, I agree, can be ultimately. I just want to feel that I'm part of his life, as much as I've made him part of mine. I had never introduced anyone to my daughter. We had talked about it. There was an understanding that if he was not ready, if it was not going to go anywhere, then it should not take place.

[oldshirt]

Has he ever talked about interracial dating issues or complications before? When he met your friends/family did he discuss any interracial dating issues or seem to have any racial issues interrelating with your friends?

 

 

My concern is this may not have anything to do with race. This sounds more like a garden variety case of him simply not being as invested in the relationship and as invested in your future together as you are. From your description it sounds more like he's just not committing to any long term plans and keeping his options open by not declaring himself as officially off the market so to speak.

 

 

My $.02 is this is more of a relationship issue than a racial issue.

[FitChick]

I wonder if he's married.

[koza]

Trust me, those are all among the questions that pop into my mind!! Because all of this "secrecy" he's creating, I have all these "what if" scenarios running through my head that drive me crazy.

I know some people can go to pretty extensive lengths and are very resourceful when it comes to lying, but I have some pieces of information that lead me to believe he is in fact truly divorced.

 

We have talked about being a biracial couple. It is no big deal for me. But he's talked about what his parents "expect" his wife to be, and even though we live in a big city, when we go out he often points out how people look at us. He's sent me links to websites with support groups for our specific 2 races. I almost wanted to post there, and although I don't think he goes there, I'm afraid he might and then may see the post.

[oldshirt]

Trust me, those are all among the questions that pop into my mind!! Because all of this "secrecy" he's creating, I have all these "what if" scenarios running through my head that drive me crazy.

I know some people can go to pretty extensive lengths and are very resourceful when it comes to lying, but I have some pieces of information that lead me to believe he is in fact truly divorced.

 

marriage and divorce are part of public record. You can just look that up and confirm.

 

We have talked about being a biracial couple. It is no big deal for me. But he's talked about what his parents "expect" his wife to be, and even though we live in a big city, when we go out he often points out how people look at us. He's sent me links to websites with support groups for our specific 2 races. I almost wanted to post there, and although I don't think he goes there, I'm afraid he might and then may see the post.

 

that does sound like he has some hang ups regarding interracial dating and worried about what the neighbors will think. I honestly don't know if there is a fix for that. You may have to simply decide if you can live with being treated like a little secret or not.

 

It's wrong of him to treat you like a dirty little secret and it's wrong of his family and friends to not accept you simply due to race (which we don't even know if they actually do have an issue with it or not. He may just be conjuring this up in his own mind) but world is what the world is. Some people are just dicks like that. Even if all these people are being butts about it for no valid reason, you will still have to live with being treated like that if you stay with him. Only you can decide if you can live with all that or not..

 

Responses in bold above.