Jump to content

Intimacy Issues would like a man's perspective on this


down hearted

Recommended Posts

Okay, so i divorced my husband because he is the exact perfect definition of an A-Hole combined with too many other things that i don't want to waste my time in getting in to it. Point is, He was the only man i have ever been physical and gone to bed with ever. This relationship has caused so much pain and distress and all the bads of ending a horrific relationship that i have huge intimacy issues now because of it i am not overweight or have any image issues its just that the thought of getting in bed with a new person scares me a bit or intimidates its more the right word. I am not in a new relationship i just had a few thoughts and was wondering what a man's perspective on this was.

 

Okay, so point is if i were to get in to a new relationship in the future and i was honest since the beginning and told you that i do not want to have sex, am not looking to have sex until i feel i am ready because of a past relationship that made me have all these intimacy issues after ending the relationship from all the hurt and just want to make sure it is serious i guess before opening myself again. If you can not wait i understand because men have needs and i get it and i wouldn't want to waste your time if you can not handle it i completely understand you and wish you well, be honest but would you stick around and if so how much time would you give before you would cheat since they say that men will mostly cheat if none is given? or would you actually wait? Also, is there any hope for me in a good relationship if i stick to these, i just honestly thought my husband was everything to me and the thought of getting intimate with someone else is kind of scary to me.

 

Age does matter i feel the older you get the more it is expected in the adult world to have sex in a relationship, i am in my mid twenties.

so what are your thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Okay, so i divorced my husband because he is the exact perfect definition of an A-Hole combined with too many other things that i don't want to waste my time in getting in to it. Point is, He was the only man i have ever been physical and gone to bed with ever. This relationship has caused so much pain and distress and all the bads of ending a horrific relationship that i have huge intimacy issues now because of it i am not overweight or have any image issues its just that the thought of getting in bed with a new person scares me a bit or intimidates its more the right word. I am not in a new relationship i just had a few thoughts and was wondering what a man's perspective on this was.

 

Okay, so point is if i were to get in to a new relationship in the future and i was honest since the beginning and told you that i do not want to have sex, am not looking to have sex until i feel i am ready because of a past relationship that made me have all these intimacy issues after ending the relationship from all the hurt and just want to make sure it is serious i guess before opening myself again. If you can not wait i understand because men have needs and i get it and i wouldn't want to waste your time if you can not handle it i completely understand you and wish you well, be honest but would you stick around and if so how much time would you give before you would cheat since they say that men will mostly cheat if none is given? or would you actually wait? Also, is there any hope for me in a good relationship if i stick to these, i just honestly thought my husband was everything to me and the thought of getting intimate with someone else is kind of scary to me.

 

Age does matter i feel the older you get the more it is expected in the adult world to have sex in a relationship, i am in my mid twenties.

so what are your thoughts?

 

 

I am a man and i felt the same wat you do after some very messed up sex stuff in my old marriage.

 

It took 2 years for me to get back to normal.

 

Just be upfront. You will lose some, but you're not ready anyway, so it doesn't matter.

 

If you want to keep the guy around, get him off in non sex ways. Most guys will be cool with that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My thoughts, are that your feelings and preferences are entirely your own! If this is how you feel then it's totally your right, and it's much better to be open and honest about it.

 

Any guy who doesn't agree with you and won't respect your wishes, show him the door. You're obviously not compatible.

 

When you find a guy who respects your wishes and agrees to take things slowly, well then you know you have found a good match and can carry on the relationship.

 

Don't compromise your values and feelings, just because it will be limiting your dating field. There are plenty of guys out there who will understand your feelings and be patient with you (or may feel the same!).

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst

I met a woman like this, she was on an online dating site, but after we went out, she revealed to me after what her husband did to her (this was her 2nd marriage and she was counting on it to be successful as opposed to her previous marriage.). He cheated on her and she told me after that, she could never trust a man again much less get physically intimate.

 

We had to part ways because of this as I feel she wasn't ready to date, much less be on a dating site. She's still on the site by the way. She even lied about the fact she was a non-smoker when she lit up (without asking) in front of me.

 

 

 

 

Okay, so i divorced my husband because he is the exact perfect definition of an A-Hole combined with too many other things that i don't want to waste my time in getting in to it. Point is, He was the only man i have ever been physical and gone to bed with ever. This relationship has caused so much pain and distress and all the bads of ending a horrific relationship that i have huge intimacy issues now because of it i am not overweight or have any image issues its just that the thought of getting in bed with a new person scares me a bit or intimidates its more the right word. I am not in a new relationship i just had a few thoughts and was wondering what a man's perspective on this was.

 

Okay, so point is if i were to get in to a new relationship in the future and i was honest since the beginning and told you that i do not want to have sex, am not looking to have sex until i feel i am ready because of a past relationship that made me have all these intimacy issues after ending the relationship from all the hurt and just want to make sure it is serious i guess before opening myself again. If you can not wait i understand because men have needs and i get it and i wouldn't want to waste your time if you can not handle it i completely understand you and wish you well, be honest but would you stick around and if so how much time would you give before you would cheat since they say that men will mostly cheat if none is given? or would you actually wait? Also, is there any hope for me in a good relationship if i stick to these, i just honestly thought my husband was everything to me and the thought of getting intimate with someone else is kind of scary to me.

 

Age does matter i feel the older you get the more it is expected in the adult world to have sex in a relationship, i am in my mid twenties.

so what are your thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123

That would be quite the deal breaker. I'm not sure many men would wait very long. I wouldn't.

That said, you're just not ready "yet". Your ex-H still controls your thoughts and feelings and you haven't fully detached yet. When you're fully detached, you won't give him a second thought and sex with someone else will be fun and exciting. Don't expect someone to wait on you to come around. Wait until you're ready to give yourself to someone else and enjoy it without any mixed feelings.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Good responses so far and I'll just add to that.

 

The right person will always be patient with you, no matter the issue. I naturally can't speak for other men, but the best way to be intimate with someone else, is when you both feel comfortable. I would not enjoy any sort of intimacy or relationship, where my partner feels pressured into doing something she isn't ready for.

 

I just want to debunk whatever idea you have of men in regards to how much time one would give you before they would cheat. Some men may cheat or feel the need to find pleasure and intimacy elsewhere, but then said man is in the wrong type of relationship anyway.

 

The only correct answer is however long time you feel is necessary before you are ready to open yourself again towards affections and intimacy with a man again. I'm sure a lot of people couldn't be in a relationship with someone else whom doesn't want to be intimate, but it's entirely possible for two people to find perfect happiness, in a relationship where sex and such isn't there at all. This may be going a bit too far away from your actual question, but it was more to give you the understanding of how others can feel.

 

Besides there shouldn't be any rush or feel of urgency when you are establishing a relationship with a new friend or partner. Finding someone whom genuinely cares and understands how you've been hurt and is more than ready to accept that, is like said by others, a great start. Hopefully any man you do meet will find and cherish all the wonderful values that you have, much like you will in him.

 

I've felt that way ever since my late teens and now being in my early 30s I only see my understanding and compassion grow even more, regardless of how other people mistreat each other. All in all, don't feel rushed or pressured into doing anything you aren't ready to, no matter what you think others expect. You will only be pleasantly surprised by how well others can treat you and really connect with you.

 

I will disagree about age mattering and that the older you get the more is expected. I think it's actually quite opposite, young people have tons of expectations, that coupled with not really knowing themselves a hundred percent or what they want, ends up creating unwanted disasters. Maybe not always but you see it plenty. The benefit of getting older and as you accumulate experience is that you realize people with their wisdom also are more open towards other ideas, than those so delivered by the media and society in general.

 

So you have every reason to replace concerns and fears with hope and reassurance that a much better life awaits you whenever you are ready to welcome it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Such great advice on here thanks so much!It's nice to see different views, I just find it scary to be with someone else when I have only known one person in this way and I only had eyes for him and it breaks my heart to have to start all over again and it is quite intimidating. Plus I don't want to find one person who is only after sex and may disappear the next also becoming a waste of time, I feel I am running out of time to find someone :(

Edited by down hearted
Link to post
Share on other sites
Such great advice on here thanks so much!It's nice to see different views, I just find it scary to be with someone else when I have only known one person in this way and I only had eyes for him and it breaks my heart to have to start all over again and it is quite intimidating. Plus I don't want to find one person who is only after sex and may disappear the next also becoming a waste of time, I feel I am running out of time to find someone :(

 

It's completely natural to feel this way and they are feelings you should not ignore. In your healing process and your journey to become ready to let another person in your life again, it's important you understand that your current perspective on life will change again. Due to being vulnerable at moment, you mindset is in a fearful state where you question things heavily.

 

Some of us humans want someone we can grow old and share life with, others desire different things. I'm in general not a fan of how people say something is a waste of time, since that is an individual opinion. What may be perceived as wasting time to some, is a fruitful experience to someone else. I do however very much understand what you mean when you express that concern.

 

You shouldn't feel panicked about time running out or that there isn't a person whom appreciate the same values as you, because in desperation you'll just end up possibly hurting yourself and someone else if your mind isn't clear.

 

In the end you don't get many places without trust, as our entire world is build on different levels of trust. While it's completely alright to question things and be skeptical towards others, I think it's important you just do so in ways that don't damage anything before they've even started. As long as you protect yourself and your interest, you'll find it that you getting hurt is a lot more difficult. It's easy to disappoint someone else, I'm sure everyone feel different levels of disappointment every day, but if we want meaningful relationships and experiences with others, we need to place our trust in them. It's completely fine to take new experiences with baby steps and at a slow pace, whatever makes you the most comfortable when trying something new.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...