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How will i survive love when its not in my nature to be mean?


MistaYates

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My last relationship, i was taken advantage of because i was too nice. I was whipped and she knew it. She could punch me in the face and knock me out, and i would still love her.

 

Im a stray dog. I've tried so hard, but i cannot be mean. I cant love someone and act an ass to them. I put anyone i've ever loved on a pedestal and treat them like a goddess.

 

My ex couldnt get over her ex of 3 years because he was a dick to her. Thats how our relationship fell apart. The guy had no future, vehicle, and had a crap job, yet he was an A-hole, and played hard to get. He even cheated on her. He was just an all out dick head, but thats what kept her going back to him. She would use me because i would treat her like a god, and then go to him because thats who she wants.

 

It just sucks because people like that, know they can take advantage of a person like me, and do it without guilt. While im loving every minute of it, it really hurts me and wastes my life. I feel like ill never find true love because i'll always be taken advantage of how i would rather love my woman, than to beat her up. Which is what they all like...

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i would rather love my woman, than to beat her up. Which is what they all like...
You're right that these are mutually exclusive, but... The kind you must find shall not desire getting beat up.

 

You need calm confidence, do not let yourself get embarrassed, be yourself, be strong. If rejected, etc. take an "I am comfortable with that, I hope you prosper," attitude. There is little maturity in playing hard to get, there is no wisdom in being pushed over. There is benefit for both if you stand your ground and be communicative.

 

One principle is not giving up your life, as soon as you abandon the positive parts of your life for another, you are giving in, as soon as you make babies before you are ready, you are giving in. Recall, giving in is not an expression of love, it benefits the other person nothing for you to be a capacitor to misery. In electronics a capacitor holds a charge, when polarity is reversed, boom!, when voltage is above 35v, boom!. Do not be a capacitor!

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MercuryMorrison1
I put anyone i've ever loved on a pedestal and treat them like a goddess.

 

This is a major problem.

 

 

When in a relationship, you never ever ever put people on a pedestal, or make them your superior. That's an express elevator to relationship hell going down.

 

I used to do this when I was younger...But then (much like you) I got tired of being a door mat for people, so in turn I started treating the women I date as equals...No more, no less. Simple math really, the best relationships I've had are one's where we both give and take equally and we both share a mutual respect for each other.

 

Seriously...People don't say relationships are a two way street because it sounds good...There's serious meaning to that saying, If one person put's the other up on the (Let my kiss your ass ti'll it's raw) pedestal, then it's almost always just going to end in disaster.

 

It really just come's down to you as a person...You do not have to be a jerk at all, All you have to do is be a man, and stand up for yourself when you feel as though you are being mistreated, and it SHOULD be obvious when you are being treated poorly.

 

I don't know what your age bracket is for dating, but this kind of thing seems to be generally more of a problem in younger people. I for example am 26 going on 27 years old, and only recently did I notice a sharp decline in this kind of behavior from my peers.

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There is a massive difference between being mean and cruel to someone, and simply not being a doormat.

 

Work on your self-esteem, and on setting personal boundaries.

 

Reflection and self-improvement is the healthy way forward for you here.

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You're right that these are mutually exclusive, but... The kind you must find shall not desire getting beat up.

 

You need calm confidence, do not let yourself get embarrassed, be yourself, be strong. If rejected, etc. take an "I am comfortable with that, I hope you prosper," attitude. There is little maturity in playing hard to get, there is no wisdom in being pushed over. There is benefit for both if you stand your ground and be communicative.

 

One principle is not giving up your life, as soon as you abandon the positive parts of your life for another, you are giving in, as soon as you make babies before you are ready, you are giving in. Recall, giving in is not an expression of love, it benefits the other person nothing for you to be a capacitor to misery. In electronics a capacitor holds a charge, when polarity is reversed, boom!, when voltage is above 35v, boom!. Do not be a capacitor!

 

She was the first girl i've ever truly loved. I've never felt a feeling like i had with her before and i gave my all to her. Not knowing she was still in love with her ex, and lied to me and cheated on me with him, but i still went back to her.

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OK, I hear that. I have mat many men who feel attached to one who is logically not right for them. It is a hippocampus thing, I can get over it quite well; most cannot. This is a biological matter.

 

As another poster mentioned, nobody gets legitimately put on a pedestal either, ever. Disney is not relationship advice. As we age we exchange the vigor of youth for the wisdom of age; if we do not capitalize on that wisdom we come out at a loss. You're probably normal, learn, and proceed. The learn part is the most important.

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MissMoneyPenny

I'm super nice too! In return I've been treated badly more times than I care to remember. So here's my strategy.. Next time I'm going to hook-up with someone who is super nice as well!

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It's wonderful that you can love with your whole heart but because you have that capacity you do have to be careful not to let people like your EX take advantage of you. If a romantic partner does you wrong, don't tolerate it. Dump cheaters & other people who use you but don't stop being nice.

 

 

If you find yourself going full steam ahead in the beginning, simply slow down.

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It's wonderful that you can love with your whole heart but because you have that capacity you do have to be careful not to let people like your EX take advantage of you. If a romantic partner does you wrong, don't tolerate it. Dump cheaters & other people who use you but don't stop being nice.

 

 

If you find yourself going full steam ahead in the beginning, simply slow down.

 

The fact that i have put my foot down and told her to stop doing the things that she did, but still did them, and i still stayed with her is the saddest part. Thats where i became the doormat, when i should have left.

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Exactly. When you draw a boundary & other people violate that boundary you need to cut them out of your life. Although it probably could have helped you end your bad relationship with her had you realized this earlier & acted on it, the fact that you now understand will help you to avoid repeating the mistake in the future.

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You are not "too nice." You're just nice but you're picking the wrong women. If you see a woman who consistently gravitates to guys who treat her bad *just as you seem to be gravitating to women who treat you bad* don't stick around. Look for someone who is also nice. The first sign that she's a user or loser, move on. You are probably used to dealing with some of the traits of these women that get you into trouble. Maybe you had a parent who exhibited some of this behavior and it's familiar to it, so when a woman like that enters your life, it feels familiar and normal -- and it's just repeating something you may have learned to live with as a child. Or maybe it's just plain bad luck. Either way, you need to be sure you are not so snow-blind going into a relationship that you ignore the signs of pettiness and usery and have the intelligence to know you can't change them and that "love" won't change them. Concentrate on finding a kind-hearted woman. If you have good friends or good relatives ask them if they know any kind-hearted women to set you up with. Set your standard that these women must treat you the way at least as well as you'd treat them or that they would want to be treated. Set your standards and stick with them! Don't compromise on them out of loneliness or need because as you can see, bad relationships are also very lonely.

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Exactly. When you draw a boundary & other people violate that boundary you need to cut them out of your life. Although it probably could have helped you end your bad relationship with her had you realized this earlier & acted on it, the fact that you now understand will help you to avoid repeating the mistake in the future.

 

I keep going back... I cant help it.. I would try so hard to move on, but shed find some way to call me or talk to me and tell me to come over and see her, and i would. We've done this 10 TIMES now. I cant get over it. She has me brainwashed... And her ex has her brainwashed, so it'll never work. She wants him, but he doesnt, so she goes to me. But i'll keep going back like an idiot. Someone please develop a miracle cure to this so i can quit going back to the same bitch over and over again...

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todreaminblue

people go back to abuse ....not because they want to be abused......not because others are dickheads to them and they like it......its because of themselves they go back....they feel they dont deserve better......

 

 

you have two pieces of fruit....one piece of fruit has bad patches on it a few bites out of it.....the other piece of fruit is untasted looks luscious unbruised and spotless......looks like it would cost an arm and a leg to eat but its freely given......you know its possibly going to be the best thing you have ever had in your life......then you look at both pieces of fruit.....and you say why do i deserve this luscious gorgeous beautiful piece of fruit when all i have been eating is this rotten patchy half eaten thing.......and told time and time again that you were lucky to be eating that....

 

 

so

 

 

 

you are conditioned to believe that patchy piece of fruit...is all you deserve....and as you look at others eating gorgeous fruit.....you feel you should be grateful you even get fruit......thats how it is...dont think women in rotten relationships go back to them because they like it...please dont.....

 

 

 

its not the behaviors they go back for its because they dont feel they deserve better than that and should be grateful they get any love at all........does that make it clear? there's an inherent sadness behind the words i write in regards to this.....because i know every one of the words i write ....to be true.......dont stop giving women gorgeous fruit....every good boy every good girl who grows up to love another..... deserves good fruit...the more good fruit that is in the world....pure love.......the less bad fruit......twisted love......is left for women to feel that is what they deserve to eat..............deb

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10 times? Oh you poor dear.

 

 

Do yourself a favor, write down every lousy thing she ever did to you, including the cheating & every time she was even less than nice to you. Next time she calls, read that list out loud at least ten times before you call her back.

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10 times? Oh you poor dear.

 

 

Do yourself a favor, write down every lousy thing she ever did to you, including the cheating & every time she was even less than nice to you. Next time she calls, read that list out loud at least ten times before you call her back.

 

Believe it or not, i have done this. I have listed everything she has done to me, and she would try and make me feel bad and say "Then if im a lying, cheating bitch, then why are you with me?" She knows i wont leave. I would say "Because i want to make it work with you, and i hope you change." I just want to stop myself from going back. I've done it time, and time again, and im so tired of it. I really wish i had her heart like her ex did.. Because then i could have her. But since she is so brainwashed by him, I don't think nobody can have her like he did. She doesnt even go "No contact" with him. They still talk all the time.

 

Even though she knows he doesnt care..

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Do you realize it won't work because she doesn't respect you as a doormat? When you get that through your head, you will be able to leave. For your sake I hope that comes soon. You have been through enough.

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Do you realize it won't work because she doesn't respect you as a doormat? When you get that through your head, you will be able to leave. For your sake I hope that comes soon. You have been through enough.

 

But how? Im obviously too blinded to stay away. I need some sort of routine or something. I wish i could just go out and date another girl really quickly, but thats not me.

 

She told me that she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now, but she wants to still talk to me. She said the only reason she was with me, was so i would talk to her. But she says she isnt really ready for a relationship. What does that mean?

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Relationships like this are just a bad habit... Like smoking or drinking or unhealthy eating. You are addicted to her, nothing more.

 

Go NC and take it one day at a time. Just like you would if you were going on a diet. If you have to, make a calendar and mark off all the dates since you last talked to her.

 

They say it takes at least a month to kick some of the emotional aspects of a bad habit.

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Relationships like this are just a bad habit... Like smoking or drinking or unhealthy eating. You are addicted to her, nothing more.

 

Go NC and take it one day at a time. Just like you would if you were going on a diet. If you have to, make a calendar and mark off all the dates since you last talked to her.

 

They say it takes at least a month to kick some of the emotional aspects of a bad habit.

 

What im not understanding is how she would tell me she doesnt want to be in a relationship, but she would miss me, and call me a couple weeks later and want to be with me again. But then ANOTHER couple weeks later, she will want to break up again and say "The only reason i was with you is because thats the only way you'll talk to me. But im just not ready for a relationship." Because when we break up, i want to go No contact. And she doesnt want me to go away completely. But i cant deal with someone i love that doesnt love me back.

 

Someone explain that to me..

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There is a massive difference between being mean and cruel to someone, and simply not being a doormat.

 

Work on your self-esteem, and on setting personal boundaries.

 

Reflection and self-improvement is the healthy way forward for you here.

 

She was my first love. Its hard man.

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Ninjainpajamas

Don't be a pu**y, this isn't about love this is about you being a p**y.

 

It's about you feeling like you don't deserve love, it's about you feeling like you've got to go all out and sell your soul for a little bit back in return.

 

You don't just decide you love someone and then give everything you possibly can for them...I bet your @ss she didn't even reciprocate anything in return, and that's what wrong with you, that's your personal issue that has nothing to do with her or this relationship, you've got issues, likely abandonment issues and you do all this work for acceptance and validation.

 

This girl knows she's got you around her finger, she knows she can manipulate you and because she's got her own issues a guy like you is perfect for her because at the end of the day you're always there and that's pretty much the only reason she is dependent on you...although she will tell you lies and play with your mind to make you think you're getting something back in return.

 

You've got to really slap yourself and snap out of this, does this look like "love" to you? what the hell do you even know about "love"? you think love is about being a punching bag, you think love is about putting someone on a pedestal and shining their shoes and wiping up their piss if they relieve themselves on the ground....the problem is that this is what you think is love, you WANT this girl to be about love...all those fantasies and lies you tell yourself to keep yourself manipulated and stuck into this fantasy world like you can't live without her.

 

It's an addiction for you...you love this sh!!t, it lets you relive and experience all those feelings of being unworthy and giving yourself that slightly elated feeling that she actually loves you or needs you.

 

But you're being a p***y and you're not standing up for yourself and you're not taking care of you and treating yourself like a person...and because of that many people in this world will hurt you and take advantage of you but you know who's letting them? you!

 

You're telling them and showing them through your actions that you don't deserve it, you don't need and you don't expect...and therefore even if people do not have the intention to use you or take advantage of, you serve it on such a convenient platter that people just won't be able to resist having a little bite as you pretend to sell them these dreams and perfect scenario...but they know it's BS, they know they don't love you or respect you but you don't care, you don't care how or what they think of you as long as they are letting you do your whole little succubus dance.

 

You need to really stop yourself from being a victim to your habits and issues, you need to move on, you need to resolve the issues in the past that you have that cause you to act out in this way with people, or you'll just always be a doormat and the kind of women that need a guy just like you are the kind of women that will abuse you...because you will be attracted to them just as much.

 

Recognize your issues and your problems....this isn't love.

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Don't be a pu**y, this isn't about love this is about you being a p**y.

 

It's about you feeling like you don't deserve love, it's about you feeling like you've got to go all out and sell your soul for a little bit back in return.

 

You don't just decide you love someone and then give everything you possibly can for them...I bet your @ss she didn't even reciprocate anything in return, and that's what wrong with you, that's your personal issue that has nothing to do with her or this relationship, you've got issues, likely abandonment issues and you do all this work for acceptance and validation.

 

This girl knows she's got you around her finger, she knows she can manipulate you and because she's got her own issues a guy like you is perfect for her because at the end of the day you're always there and that's pretty much the only reason she is dependent on you...although she will tell you lies and play with your mind to make you think you're getting something back in return.

 

You've got to really slap yourself and snap out of this, does this look like "love" to you? what the hell do you even know about "love"? you think love is about being a punching bag, you think love is about putting someone on a pedestal and shining their shoes and wiping up their piss if they relieve themselves on the ground....the problem is that this is what you think is love, you WANT this girl to be about love...all those fantasies and lies you tell yourself to keep yourself manipulated and stuck into this fantasy world like you can't live without her.

 

It's an addiction for you...you love this sh!!t, it lets you relive and experience all those feelings of being unworthy and giving yourself that slightly elated feeling that she actually loves you or needs you.

 

But you're being a p***y and you're not standing up for yourself and you're not taking care of you and treating yourself like a person...and because of that many people in this world will hurt you and take advantage of you but you know who's letting them? you!

 

You're telling them and showing them through your actions that you don't deserve it, you don't need and you don't expect...and therefore even if people do not have the intention to use you or take advantage of, you serve it on such a convenient platter that people just won't be able to resist having a little bite as you pretend to sell them these dreams and perfect scenario...but they know it's BS, they know they don't love you or respect you but you don't care, you don't care how or what they think of you as long as they are letting you do your whole little succubus dance.

 

You need to really stop yourself from being a victim to your habits and issues, you need to move on, you need to resolve the issues in the past that you have that cause you to act out in this way with people, or you'll just always be a doormat and the kind of women that need a guy just like you are the kind of women that will abuse you...because you will be attracted to them just as much.

 

Recognize your issues and your problems....this isn't love.

 

As brutal and as honestly correct this is, i wish i could change. Its not in my nature. She was my first love though, so you gotta give me that. I went all out for her, which i probably shouldnt have, but i did. As brainwashed as this girl has me, it really doesnt effect my ways of dealing with other people. I stand my ground with others, and i dont let people walk all over me. Its just this one particular girl that has me so whipped.

 

What you said is what was needed to be said. You are completely right. I am being a pussy and she loves that i am. She knows ill come back to her if she calls. But i cant do it anymore. Is it the fact that im attracted to these kind of women and arent attracted to women that treat me well? Should i have left this girl earlier?

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Ninjainpajamas
As brutal and as honestly correct this is, i wish i could change. Its not in my nature. She was my first love though, so you gotta give me that. I went all out for her, which i probably shouldnt have, but i did. As brainwashed as this girl has me, it really doesnt effect my ways of dealing with other people. I stand my ground with others, and i dont let people walk all over me. Its just this one particular girl that has me so whipped.

 

What you said is what was needed to be said. You are completely right. I am being a pussy and she loves that i am. She knows ill come back to her if she calls. But i cant do it anymore. Is it the fact that im attracted to these kind of women and arent attracted to women that treat me well? Should i have left this girl earlier?

 

You have to prove to yourself that you are wrong about you, that if you are not capable of complete change you are capable of some change.

 

Nobody in this world is going to come rescue you from yourself, nobody is going to come step in and show you a different way to be or live, you've got to help and believe in yourself...otherwise it makes no difference what anyone else does for you.

 

As long as you feel it is not in your nature, you will always put a limit on what you can do...but it's not the truth, it's an excuse to accept the situation that you are in and enable yourself to continue you.

 

You mask your insecurities and fears with excuses just like everybody does...you give yourself reasons of why you cannot do something about a situation or a feeling that you are having.

 

I know it's tough, I know it's not easy, I know it's hard to change something about yourself when it's all you know...it's scary, it's filled with unknowns and the thing you worry about the most is that you'll lose what you have now and just end up with less...that maybe it's just better to deal or cope with the situation as it is because you don't know what's behind number 2.

 

You've got to realize the emotions and fears that are controlling you right now is not love, it's your issues...and that means you will not ever get in return what you want and what you are chasing after in this relationship.

 

Door #2 offers that possibility, but you've got to really want to change, you've got really practice and work on yourself and resolve issues that make you vulnerable and susceptible to these kind of women especially.

 

You at best will be with a girl like this and enable each others problems and issues and it won't be a happy life...you'll just go around in circles over and over fighting over the same crap and she'll kind of hang onto you until she doesn't need you anymore and then you'll be there once again sulking in your tears.

 

But you've got to train yourself to be different and change, you've got to teach yourself things you don't know and know that you are capable of...that's the only way you're going to get something actually fulfilling.

 

Otherwise it'll always fill like this void that you keep shoveling things into that never gets filled. Because the lack of something is coming from within yourself...not this girl, not love...in fact if this girl loved you and wanted you...you probably wouldn't even feel the same way about her, I can almost guarantee that.

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You have to prove to yourself that you are wrong about you, that if you are not capable of complete change you are capable of some change.

 

Nobody in this world is going to come rescue you from yourself, nobody is going to come step in and show you a different way to be or live, you've got to help and believe in yourself...otherwise it makes no difference what anyone else does for you.

 

As long as you feel it is not in your nature, you will always put a limit on what you can do...but it's not the truth, it's an excuse to accept the situation that you are in and enable yourself to continue you.

 

You mask your insecurities and fears with excuses just like everybody does...you give yourself reasons of why you cannot do something about a situation or a feeling that you are having.

 

I know it's tough, I know it's not easy, I know it's hard to change something about yourself when it's all you know...it's scary, it's filled with unknowns and the thing you worry about the most is that you'll lose what you have now and just end up with less...that maybe it's just better to deal or cope with the situation as it is because you don't know what's behind number 2.

 

You've got to realize the emotions and fears that are controlling you right now is not love, it's your issues...and that means you will not ever get in return what you want and what you are chasing after in this relationship.

 

Door #2 offers that possibility, but you've got to really want to change, you've got really practice and work on yourself and resolve issues that make you vulnerable and susceptible to these kind of women especially.

 

You at best will be with a girl like this and enable each others problems and issues and it won't be a happy life...you'll just go around in circles over and over fighting over the same crap and she'll kind of hang onto you until she doesn't need you anymore and then you'll be there once again sulking in your tears.

 

But you've got to train yourself to be different and change, you've got to teach yourself things you don't know and know that you are capable of...that's the only way you're going to get something actually fulfilling.

 

Otherwise it'll always fill like this void that you keep shoveling things into that never gets filled. Because the lack of something is coming from within yourself...not this girl, not love...in fact if this girl loved you and wanted you...you probably wouldn't even feel the same way about her, I can almost guarantee that.

 

So its not her, or what shes doing, (Cheating, lying, manipulating me, and taking advantage) its me? I obviously need to change my ways on allowing this bullying to take over me, but i do believe that she is a terrible person on taking advantage of someone who actually wanted to be with her. Rather than just leaving, never coming back, and allowing me to move on.

 

The fact that i really wanted this to work, and she didnt care. The fact that she knew what she was doing, but continued to do it for fun. She was a cheater, and a liar, and she didnt have any guilt on doing it.

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