I understand fading out before a first meet

[kaylan]

We've all it happen before. You start talking to someone from an online dating site or app. They seem pretty cool, you roughly decide a day when you could have a first meet, and then POOF....they are gone.

 

I actually just did this myself. I had been talking to/seeing this one girl for almost a month...but as its not serious, Ive kept my options open and talked to other women. Then finally last week when we had sex, I decided not to pursue this other girl who wanted to meet for coffee.

 

I started taking forever to text back, and then just didn't text at all. We were actually supposed to meet yesterday, but since we didn't talk all weekend, I figured she would understand I had something else going on. And to be honest, I originally planned to be upfront and say I had a good date with someone else and that I couldn't move forward in a romantic sense with her.

 

I just didn't get around to saying that. I actually felt awkward about that and didn't know how to get the words out. In the past Ive called things off with someone and told them without avoiding the conversation. But I guess in a situation with someone Ive never met, I maybe felt it didn't exactly warrant a conversation.

 

Eh anyways, I always see people (esp guys) complain about flakes. It can happen pretty easily. And some people aren't good with breaking bad news. I guess I just wanted to share this because this past year Ive not let flaking bother me much anymore. Everyone has their own thing going on. So it kinda is what it is

[cessna]

So basically you didn't have the balls to be honest with her. Takes more of a man to be truthful than it does to take the easy option and ignore.

 

She probably dodged a bullet in you.

[KatZee]

Yeah... I still don't get it. Or find it justifiable.

 

Do you see how much of a waste of time it is to "start texting less and less"?

 

When you could just be like, "Hey just wanted to let you know I've started dating someone seriously. I didn't want to lead you on and I'm sorry we never got to meet for coffee. I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

It would have been over and done with at that point. Instead of dragging it out for days, weeks, or who knows how long it took for her to finally "get your point."

[kaylan]

So basically you didn't have the balls to be honest with her. Takes more of a man to be truthful than it does to take the easy option and ignore.

 

She probably dodged a bullet in you.

Lol why so butthurt? Strangers owe you nothing.

 

 

This girl started texting me again so I may let her know the deal. It is what it is though. Someone you've never met and barely talk to doesn't owe you a thing.

Yeah... I still don't get it. Or find it justifiable.

 

Do you see how much of a waste of time it is to "start texting less and less"?

 

When you could just be like, "Hey just wanted to let you know I've started dating someone seriously. I didn't want to lead you on and I'm sorry we never got to meet for coffee. I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

It would have been over and done with at that point. Instead of dragging it out for days, weeks, or who knows how long it took for her to finally "get your point."

Fair point, but who's wasting time?

 

 

I figure most people can take a hint. When someone doesn't get back to you, they aren't interested.

[KatZee]

 

Fair point, but who's wasting time?

 

 

I figure most people can take a hint. When someone doesn't get back to you, they aren't interested.

 

If you spend enough time reading these threads you'll see, infact, NOT MANY people can "take a hint."

 

Maybe YOU can take a hint, but don't go painting everyone with your paintbrush. Look at how many women sit here lapping up crumbs from a dude, that even if he texts, or responds, no matter HOW small, they still have hope?

 

YOU'RE wasting her time. Texting, even if you're taking hours/days to respond, you're STILL responding. And doing that is dragging it out and wasting days of her life where she could have just known in a 5 second text that you were now unavailable to her.

[kaylan]

If you spend enough time reading these threads you'll see, infact, NOT MANY people can "take a hint."

 

Maybe YOU can take a hint, but don't go painting everyone with your paintbrush. Look at how many women sit here lapping up crumbs from a dude, that even if he texts, or responds, no matter HOW small, they still have hope?

 

YOU'RE wasting her time. Texting, even if you're taking hours/days to respond, you're STILL responding. And doing that is dragging it out and wasting days of her life where she could have just known in a 5 second text that you were now unavailable to her.

I think people know the reality but refuse to accept it. They get the hint, but refuse to follow the direction of the hint.

 

 

Sometimes you gotta put on your big boy/girl britches and figure things out. My opinion would be different if long connecting convos were had, or if there were dates and sex.

 

But in the case of only a few meaningless convos with someone you never met from an online dating site or app...someone should be able to easily figure out and deal with things fizzling out. Especially since nothing even started that needs fizzling out to begin with.

Edited November 26, 2014 by kaylan

[cessna]

To me it all boils down to respect and being polite. It doesn't take a second to send a text saying thanks but no thanks. Everyone knows where they stand and you come out looking like a decent guy.

 

Treat others as you'd want to be treated yourself.

 

I hate flakey girls, I think it's rude and and therefore I am honest about my feelings. If I like a girl I'll tell her, if I don't I'll tell her too.

[787Dreamliner]

Kaylan: What goes round, comes around. Hopefully you get a taste of your own medicine in the near future. The lack of respect from you just shows how "mature" you are.

 

You think everyone can read your mind? Listen, the world doesn't revolve around you, dude. Sounds harsh but it's something you should think about.

[Jules Dash]

 

 

I figure most people can take a hint. When someone doesn't get back to you, they aren't interested.

 

To be realistic, this is what it all boils down to... I agree, strangers owe you nothing. It is mostly the very desperate who just don't get these sort of hints or refuse to accept them. If they are not calling or responding to your texts, they are not interested. No one who is interested is ever too busy to respond to you within a day.

[kaylan]

Kaylan: What goes round, comes around. Hopefully you get a taste of your own medicine in the near future. The lack of respect from you just shows how "mature" you are.

 

You think everyone can read your mind? Listen, the world doesn't revolve around you, dude. Sounds harsh but it's something you should think about.

Lol Ive gotten a taste of this medicine before even doing this myself. And now that Im in a position to do the same thing, I see why it happens and realize it was never a big deal. I don't take online dating seriously and Im happy Im one of the many who have learned to do so.

[elaine567]

We were actually supposed to meet yesterday

 

This is where you went wrong.

Had this been a "we'll meet up for coffee sometime" then fair enough no text, no interest, but you had arranged a time, and to duck out here is not really fair.

KatZee is correct. Woman do tend to sit watching phones and hope, and hope, and make excuse upon excuse, even when all rational hope is gone.

Keeping her stewing and on tenterhooks from LAST WEEK till yesterday is shocking.

A 5 second text would have been respectful.

[KatZee]

I think people know the reality but refuse to accept it. They get the hint, but refuse to follow the direction of the hint.

 

 

Sometimes you gotta put on your big boy/girl britches and figure things out. My opinion would be different if long connecting convos were had, or if there were dates and sex.

 

But in the case of only a few meaningless convos with someone you never met from an online dating site or app...someone should be able to easily figure out and deal with things fizzling out. Especially since nothing even started that needs fizzling out to begin with.

 

That's pretty ironic that you're telling get the women you're being immature and disrespectful to, to "put their big boy/girl britches on."

 

That's the problem with dating these days especially online. These aren't people. They don't have feelings or emotions. Who cares if you've spoken for a few days and made a plan. They're just a screen name and worthless. Just ignore and toss out like a used napkin. Just flake and hope they "get it."

 

Dating today is a joke, full of cowardice and false intentions.

[KatZee]

Lol Ive gotten a taste of this medicine before even doing this myself. And now that Im in a position to do the same thing, I see why it happens and realize it was never a big deal. I don't take online dating seriously and Im happy Im one of the many who have learned to do so.

 

 

Again, stop painting everyone with your brush. Congratulations, online dating is a joke to you. To thousands of others? It's not. And to encounter flakes like you? It's very disheartening. Grow a sac and man up.

[kaylan]

This is where you went wrong.

Had this been a "we'll meet up for coffee sometime" then fair enough no text, no interest, but you had arranged a time, and to duck out here is not really fair.

KatZee is correct. Woman do tend to sit watching phones and hope, and hope, and make excuse upon excuse, even when all rational hope is gone.

Keeping her stewing and on tenterhooks from LAST WEEK till yesterday is shocking.

A 5 second text would have been respectful.

We never had a set time or anything. She propositioned me last week with getting coffee on Tuesday. I said ok, ill look into finding a good spot. We didn't talk much after that.

Again, stop painting everyone with your brush. Congratulations, online dating is a joke to you. To thousands of others? It's not. And to encounter flakes like you? It's very disheartening. Grow a sac and man up.

Did I say a joke? I said I don't take it seriously. I don't take short convos that aren't deep too seriously. Flaking happens on OLD all the time. Par for the course.

 

 

I have plenty of sack btw. Which is why Im able to man up and not get butthurt when strangers Ive never met stop talking to me.

[elaine567]

I have plenty of sack btw. Which is why Im able to man up and not get butthurt when strangers Ive never met stop talking to me.

 

Seems you have some sort of hurt built up here and this poor girl got the brunt of it.

Texts cost nothing to send, there is no red faced face to face confrontation, no embarrassing phone-call, just a few words typed. Easy, but polite and respectful.

[KatZee]

Actually being a man and giving someone closure on a situation and saying you are able to "get over" when people flake on you aren't even remotely the same thing.

 

Maybe you allow people to treat you crappily. Doesn't mean it's acceptable or the correct way to behave.

[lucy_in_disguise]

As a womam, im not seeing what the big deal is. Its not like u stood her up. In this situation, where you have never met, your conversations didnt too deep, and your plans were, at best, tentative, i think fading out is totally fine. I think most ppl who do OLD are talking to multiple ppl and are able to take the hint when one of them loses interest. In my opinion an explanation in this case is overkill.

 

I just met someone i like a lot too. I dont feel like i need to send an update to 20 of the other guys ive been talking to to let them know im no longer available for coffee.

[kaylan]

Seems you have some sort of hurt built up here and this poor girl got the brunt of it.

Texts cost nothing to send, there is no red faced face to face confrontation, no embarrassing phone-call, just a few words typed. Easy, but polite and respectful.

 

Lol poor girl? Ha I doubt she's thinking about this at all considering we had no real meaningful conversations.

[martaldn]

it seems like you feel bad about flaked the other girl and you want to share this with us in order to find someone who would tell you that what you did wasnt that bad..lighten up your consciousness maybe?

 

Confucius rule: Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you.

[veggirl]

I mean lets be real...is it IDEAL to fade away? no of course not. But does everyone do it? Yeah, basically. I'm sure everyone in this thread has faded or ignored someone without "the talk" so c'mon. They never even met! After you've met I think you DO owe it to someone to be up front if they keep persisting but before even meeting?

[martaldn]

I mean lets be real...is it IDEAL to fade away? no of course not. But does everyone do it? Yeah, basically. I'm sure everyone in this thread has faded or ignored someone without "the talk" so c'mon. They never even met! After you've met I think you DO owe it to someone to be up front if they keep persisting but before even meeting?

 

no. if i set a day to meet someone and I cant/dont want/change mind I let him know.

if I dont have the intention to see him (at all/again) i simply dont reschedule after the cancellation.

even if sometimes I havent given them any explication of WHY I cancelled I have always had the decency to let them know the meeting wasnt going to happen anymore.

[2005tahoe]

Its this type of attitude that give the good guys, like myself a bad reputation. Its sad that people fade and flake on someone after setting up a meetup. I have had it done to me so many times and refuse to do it to anyone, its not fair to the other person.

[BlueIris]

Lol why so butthurt? Strangers owe you nothing.

 

This girl started texting me again so I may let her know the deal. It is what it is though. Someone you've never met and barely talk to doesn't owe you a thing.

 

I think that this is a common, and growing attitude today- a significant change in our society.

[SoleMate]

Kaylan, there's a lot of daylight between:

 

1: "Strangers owe you nothing and may treat you with lack of courtesy, so be aware of that."

 

and

 

2: "I treat people discourteously."

 

#1 is just a fact of life, like freezing rain or conflict in the Middle East. Very little any of us can do to control that, so just coping is the best response.

 

#2 is your choice. Yes, choosing #2 makes you part of #1 (ha ha!), but it makes no sense to come on LS and post about your obvious uneasy feelings about being mildly jerky to a stranger, and then sum it up as just being an unavoidable reality that all must face. You could have done better. You actually wish you had done better. Now you know for next time. Just do the buh-bye text when appropriate and then you can stop thinking about it.

[phineas]

People flake.

It honestly is no big deal to me.

 

Its when they come looking for you when you don't text after a flake and want to reschedule then flake again.

Seriously?

Or they just lead you on for attention for a week then flake last min.

 

What makes it messed up is when they use a medical issue with family as the reason.

I always fall for that.

I always give them the benefit of the doubt in that case because I refuse to believe someone would go to that length to flake then bug me to reschedule and I end up getting flaked on again.

 

Its like staring at the sun. Lol

The main reason why I try to avoid first dates on the weekends when I have to arrange for a sitter.

Edited November 27, 2014 by phineas