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Teacher and Student


JF88

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I'm a graduate student currently teaching a course in Freshman Composition. Going in I knew the repercussions of fraternization with students, and made sure to be friendly but also to keep strict boundaries. With all of this in place, I thought I would be immune from any attraction to my students. I was wrong.

 

I noticed her the first day of class. She was attractive, and that's where I left it. As the semester continued she started speaking up more in class. When I was talking with other students, she would either join the conversation, or interrupt and ask me questions about my life not pertaining to any discussion. I realize now that she wanted my attention, and she has since made this sentiment more obvious.

 

I knew nothing good could come of this, but then she started having medical issues and of course I felt concerned as her teacher. Concern lead to an increase in communication, which has now turned into affection. She's smart and understands difficult topics fairly easily. Her work is impeccable, and I count her among my best students. She's also an excellent conversationalist. She's told me about her family, her life, and also the trials of the medical problems she's been having. Recently, she expressed how much she likes talking to me on a personal level.

 

I of course have not told anyone, including this girl, about my affection, and am going through painstaking lengths to make sure it is not showing. This includes keeping body language in check, and making sure I provide fair treatment to all students in my class.

 

I know what I should do about this situation, and the answer is nothing. No good can come from dating this girl. Though ten years apart is not that great a difference at a certain point in people's lives, I know that between us it would be. I understand that this bright young girl will probably change when she reaches her twenties, then again in her late twenties. I know that during these stages of her life, I will be getting older and probably looking for different things in a relationship as well. I know that if I dated her (after she was no longer my student of course) that I would probably be robbing her of experiences. I also know that we would need to keep our relationship as private as possible, and that in itself is probably impossible.

 

I read a book recently about a man who dated a younger woman and effectively robbed her of her youth. By “robbing” her of her youth, I mean to say that she was so tied down by him, that she missed out on many of the experiences young people have. Eventually they broke up, and that time in her life was lost. I would never want to do this to her. I want her to be happy, with or without me, and I want her to be successful. Even so, I can't help but feel like we would be good for each other. I know it's stupid, and I'm having huge bouts of self-loathing due to all of this, but I can't help but to love her.

 

Recently, she expressed that she would be taking the second portion of the Freshman Composition with me again next semester. I want to ask her not to, but I don’t want to hurt her. I’m also wary of telling her, “Don’t take my class because I have inappropriate feelings for you.” Also, if she is not in my class, then my universities guidelines say that I could date her, but I know it would be looked down on and my reputation would probably suffer. It’s head versus heart, and I’m dying here. I know what I should do, but I also know that's not what I want to do.

 

Advice? Thoughts? I'll take anything. Help me.

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I think what you should do, in this case, is to follow your head, not your heart. You would be sacrificing your integrity in your prime (of teaching). I think the professional route is the best option. What if you sacrificed your credibility, for the sake of your emotions, and the emotions of love didn't last? Then you've lost both. Don't act on this. You sound like a very intelligent man. "No good can come of this". You already know what you need to do.

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I'm a college professor so I may be able to help here.

 

First let me say you are not the first grad student to get a crush on a student! And the fact that you are pausing and not rushing in is more honorable than a lot of grad students out there!

 

I suggest you not entertain the idea that you have "inappropriate feelings". You need not feel guilty about your attraction to her or your feelings. I am concerned you will try to stifle your feelings and only make matters worse. These are your feelings and I recommend you accept them and just allow yourself to experience them.

 

Next, this probably goes without saying but as long as she is in your class I urge you not to date her. That would be inappropriate and against university policy. If found out (remember students talk), it would probably have very damaging consequences for you.

 

And I think you are right that you really can't say, “Don’t take my class because I have inappropriate feelings for you.” I don't think it is fair that she cannot take your class because of your feelings for her. It really isn't her problem. Keep in mind too that she may only have platonic feelings for you.

 

So here is what I suggest, and I know it is difficult. I suggest backing off. I would stop the personal talking and allow your emotions to cool down.

 

If she asks you why, I suggest telling her that you feel that as long as she is in your class you need to keep an appropriate distance in your relationship.

 

And do you have some friends you can get some support from? You know, there is no harm in setting up an appointment with university counseling. They may have great suggestions for you. And I am not suggesting you have some deep issue or anything. But you are probably not the first case of student crush they have dealt with and they make also give you some much needed accountability.

 

Those are my thoughts. Best of luck!

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I'm graduating in dec. And also worked as an R.a for a few years In the residence halls. I ran into a lot of similar stories most recent was from a student who claimed the professor took their contact to next level. She finished the class and then took all their emails and texts to the Dean and police.

you cannot trust students and that comes from a former student leader. You do not trust residents, students and anyone who you mentor, supervise or teach.

Do you want to end up in the news? Do you want to be looked down upon..have the finger pointed at?

Listen to the person before me. He/she knows better and has better advise. It is not worth your lifetime work and progress you made.

The only time it should be okay is when she graduates and even that can come back and haunt you since you had her as a student.

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Feelings are feelings. They are not inappropriate. Acting on them, while you are her teacher & control her grade, that would be inappropriate.

 

 

Back off & avoid personal interactions with her for the rest of this semester. If she takes your class next semester remain detached & professional.

 

 

After you have turned in her final grade for her course work, wait a few weeks or better yet a whole semester then you can ask her out.

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I'm currently dating a professor (I'm not a student at her college). Of course she doesn't date students, but she just recently told me about her attraction to a sexy 20-something security guard. He comes around and flirts when she's alone after class. It's ok, I've given my consent for her to go on a date.

 

Bottom line, I'm echoing Fitchick; there are plenty of options all over campus that won't involve the unethical relationship you're considering. Security guards, administration, other grad students, etc.

 

I also liked the previous advice. Stop being her friend. Be her professor. No more talk about her private life. Also, you cannot tell her to avoid your class next semester. You're a professional being hired to do a job. Now do it!

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This is going to sound harsh but, you're a professional, act like one. Is this really worth risking your job over? Get out of your head and do your job.

 

 

As far as the age difference goes, it's just really bad timing. She's got another 10 or so years before she reaches the next phase of her life socially. I know I wouldn't want to put up with the club/party mentality most college age kids seem to have. Not saying she's like this because obviously I don't know her from Adam, just playing the percentages. 10 years down the road, the age difference won't be as significant and you have a better chance of finding common ground when it comes to long term goals.

 

 

Just my .02

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