Buh-Bye "If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” mentality

[Blakely]

After reflecting on my most recent dating experiences, I realized somewhere along the way I began to embrace this type of mentality. Basically "learned" or attempting to learn, how to have emotionless sex. It makes me wonder: Why should the ability to be detached enough to have meaningless sex with men you may never see again be a goal for the modern woman? It seems like this is where a lot of us ladies are going wrong and paying the price for it emotionally.

 

I just don’t think it’s wise to try to join that camp, and try to beat emotionally detached men, or men who are just not ready yet for a mature relationship, at this particular game. Shouldn’t we be encouraging men (through our behavior) to raise their standards for behavior as a group, rather than say that we can be as careless with ourselves and others as some men are? (Some men, not all men).

 

It seems to me that we are better off protecting ourselves from these kinds of men as best we can. While there’s no foolproof way of doing this that’s effective in 100% of situations that I know of, one of the best, most effective ways we can protect our hearts (and bodies from disease and unwanted pregnancies) is to wait to have sex. Think about it: what kind of world would this be if more people waited to have sex? Sex is a beautiful and powerful thing, but it can be very destructive when it’s not respected and entered into with some thought (for oneself and for the other person).

 

I'll have to learn how to accept the risk of coming off as a

prude to some men. Actually, I take that back- it will only help to filter out men who don't value strong morals in a woman or themselves. My new mindset wil definitely lead to less sex, but I believe it will help my journey to finding a high quality man to love and build a healthy relationship with. I'm done with no strings attached type arrangements.

 

Does this seem like a reasonable standard? Why does sex have to be on the table right from the get go to incise a mans interest for longer than a couple of dates? Good men come out come out wherever you are!!

[BluEyeL]

Yeah, it's a good idea to be the way you describe. I've tried the other route and it was never satisfying for me. I can use a vibrator and get better results. I don't care how other people view me, and if they view me as a prude, oh well, too bad so sad.

[Frank2thepoint]

I just don’t think it’s wise to try to join that camp, and try to beat emotionally detached men, or men who are just not ready yet for a mature relationship, at this particular game. Shouldn’t we be encouraging men (through our behavior) to raise their standards for behavior as a group, rather than say that we can be as careless with ourselves and others as some men are? (Some men, not all men).

 

Stop dating men or just giving your assets to men that only want sex. If you pay attention, you can easily pick out guys that are in it for a short term fling or conquest. But it doesn't require a group effort to dissuade men from pursuing it. All it requires is for you to do it, to exert your boundaries, demand more than just a fling.

 

 

Good men come out come out wherever you are!!

 

Right here baby. Ironically, I'm a type of guy that wants a relationship, and I keep meeting women that don't want one or can't handle one. The dating world sucks like that.

[nofeelings22]

Emotionless sex sucks for guys too.Once you've had some real, deep connection sex, there is no going back. It's great!

[Blakely]

Stop dating men or just giving your assets to men that only want sex. If you pay attention, you can easily pick out guys that are in it for a short term fling or conquest. But it doesn't require a group effort to dissuade men from pursuing it. All it requires is for you to do it, to exert your boundaries, demand more than just a fling.

 

It certainly couldn't hurt things, right? But I totally agree with what you're saying, maybe I've come into contact with men who are players and play the game really well. Just want to meet a guy who is willing to slowly allow things to progress into a relationship. Seems like guys in my town are all or nothing types.

 

 

 

Right here baby. Ironically, I'm a type of guy that wants a relationship, and I keep meeting women that don't want one or can't handle one. The dating world sucks like that.

 

Perhaps woman who've learned to become emotionally detached from men? I could see myself becoming one of those women had i continued seeing the last guy. Just never healthy nor smart to have sex with someone just for the sake of getting off.

[Blakely]

Emotionless sex sucks for guys too.Once you've had some real, deep connection sex, there is no going back. It's great!

 

I've never had good sex without a deep connection. Glad to know men need that too. Still don't understand why some men want it before a connection is formed. It's just awkward. And. No.

 

Thanks no thanks. What's to gain from it?

[Frank2thepoint]

Perhaps woman who've learned to become emotionally detached from men? I could see myself becoming one of those women had i continued seeing the last guy. Just never healthy nor smart to have sex with someone just for the sake of getting off.

 

Yes, there are women that have become emotionally detached, and use sex as a form of control. But among both genders, there will be people that use sex just for fun, with no strings attached. It is easy for the emotionally-attached person to get swept up in desire for someone that isn't emotionally attached, because like the old adage says, love is blind.

[insert_name]

I prefer to form a connection before having sex with a woman- has that attitude ever helped me? No. Women want sex at the drop of a hat just as much as men do these days.

[nofeelings22]

I've never had good sex without a deep connection. Glad to know men need that too. Still don't understand why some men want it before a connection is formed. It's just awkward. And. No.

 

Thanks no thanks. What's to gain from it?

 

 

 

And there is where men differ slightly from what you are describing....

 

For men, deep connection sex is sex where you are in a situation of complete love and trust. You know each other well and can try new things as well as know exactly what buttons to push to drive your partner nuts.

 

But... having an orgam is like any other bodily function to us. You just gotta squirt out some stuff to relieve the pressure and insanity that builds up. That's what regular sex is for with us. Yes, we are that simple.

 

Deeply connected sex is a level beyond regular sex is all...

[BluEyeL]

As a woman, I can also have sex "like a man" and stay detached. I just don't like it and I really don't see the point. Has lots of disadvantages for so little payoff. Release can be done by yourself.

 

The only thing is validation that someone wants to sleep with you, for women, and adding notches for men (maybe, I can't know). I personally don't need that, I don't see it as a great achievement. Yeah, lots of men would scr*w you, not a big deal.

[Toodaloo]

Emotionless sex is the pitts. I am one of those real weirdos that also fantasises about their partner while sorting myself out so even that is rubbish at the moment!

 

I can't be bothered with rubbish sex any more. I would rather go with out and get on with the washing up or the ironing instead. Its not that I am any less horney I just can't be doing with half hearted attempts.

 

Why should I bother putting myself out by educating myself and reading to make my self more talented in that area for a person who can't be bothered as much as me?

 

I would rather read my book.

[MissBee]

After reflecting on my most recent dating experiences, I realized somewhere along the way I began to embrace this type of mentality. Basically "learned" or attempting to learn, how to have emotionless sex. It makes me wonder: Why should the ability to be detached enough to have meaningless sex with men you may never see again be a goal for the modern woman? It seems like this is where a lot of us ladies are going wrong and paying the price for it emotionally.

 

I just don’t think it’s wise to try to join that camp, and try to beat emotionally detached men, or men who are just not ready yet for a mature relationship, at this particular game. Shouldn’t we be encouraging men (through our behavior) to raise their standards for behavior as a group, rather than say that we can be as careless with ourselves and others as some men are? (Some men, not all men).

 

It seems to me that we are better off protecting ourselves from these kinds of men as best we can. While there’s no foolproof way of doing this that’s effective in 100% of situations that I know of, one of the best, most effective ways we can protect our hearts (and bodies from disease and unwanted pregnancies) is to wait to have sex. Think about it: what kind of world would this be if more people waited to have sex? Sex is a beautiful and powerful thing, but it can be very destructive when it’s not respected and entered into with some thought (for oneself and for the other person).

 

I'll have to learn how to accept the risk of coming off as a

prude to some men. Actually, I take that back- it will only help to filter out men who don't value strong morals in a woman or themselves. My new mindset wil definitely lead to less sex, but I believe it will help my journey to finding a high quality man to love and build a healthy relationship with. I'm done with no strings attached type arrangements.

 

Does this seem like a reasonable standard? Why does sex have to be on the table right from the get go to incise a mans interest for longer than a couple of dates? Good men come out come out wherever you are!!

 

Good for you!

 

I think women can have casual sex if they want and nothing is wrong with it. However, the problem is when sometimes women convince themselves this is what they want when it's not true and they do the sex thing thinking it will eventually lead to something more fulfilling. I've been a victim of my own denial in the past with that, where I liked a man, was attracted, wanted sex but wanted a relationship too whereas he liked me, was attracted but didn't want a relationship. I didn't bother to find out what he wanted, just assumed, had sex, kept having sex and started to realize it was ONLY sex and then tried to backtrack in my mind and convince myself I didn't want a relationship with him anyway. When deep down, I only decided this AFTER realizing it wasn't on the table and I felt badly about it.

 

These days I am not into having casual sex for the sake of it. Sex within a relationship where I feel valued, cared for etc. is way more fulfilling for me and I find boyfriends tend to be more interested in pleasing me than FWB or booty calls who seem more concerned usually with their own pleasure. However, if I were just looking for sex then I'd find a FWB who was good in bed. Now in dating I'm clear first with myself about what I'm looking for then with the guy. I'm not a prude and I find that to be a shaming term men esp use to shame a woman who has some kind of standard about sex. I am sexually adventurous within the right context: a relationship where I trust the person. THEN I will blow his mind but with casual sex I cannot be as free and open and am way more self-conscious and I also worry about STDs and pregnancies a lot more when I'm not in a monogamous relationship with someone I'd potentially be okay with having a kid with. My body is mine and I don't want to give it over to any and everyone.

 

Point is: in dating these days I try to find out where we're headed and what we want mutually before I put sex on the table. It saves me lots of emotional pain and feeling used that way. It is a lot riskier emotionally and in a real way to have sex first and ask questions later than it is to abstain and figure out where things are headed before you take the plunge.

Edited November 24, 2014 by MissBee

[Dallers]

The worst feeling of all is having deep connection with someone that only wants to use you for sex and knows that you feel this way. The ultimate price paid and the easiest manipulation. I am a guy and I am walking away from a girl right now that has this power over me. I am starting to reconsider my choices and certainly put behind me my 20's as clearly I cannot do this kind of thing anymore.

[preraph]

Look, if you enjoy it for 2 days or 10 years, that's fine. Everyone is different. But yes, men seem to get much more and be more satisfied with that type of deal than most women. I didn't mind casual sex, but in most cases, I hoped to get to know the guy and that we'd end up liking each other more, as opposed to players who have casual sex and just hope the person doesn't become a problem by trying to keep in touch or expect anything out of them.

 

Acquiescing to being onboard with casual sex just because it's the popular thing to do, which is made only too obvious now with OLD, for women, that's simply lowering standards and lowering the bar for men. I have no moral problems with anyone who enjoys it, as long as they aren't misrepresenting their intentions and hurting people in the process. But it can't really be looked at as anything except lowering expectations and what we'll settle for in order to stay busy socially.

[nofeelings22]

As a woman, I can also have sex "like a man" and stay detached. I just don't like it and I really don't see the point. Has lots of disadvantages for so little payoff. Release can be done by yourself.

 

The only thing is validation that someone wants to sleep with you, for women, and adding notches for men (maybe, I can't know). I personally don't need that, I don't see it as a great achievement. Yeah, lots of men would scr*w you, not a big deal.

 

 

 

One little twist is the kille for men here... it doesn't feel as good if you relase yourself.

[neowulf]

I think it's about really knowing yourself and how your wired.

 

So long as you can respect your actions and live with them, I don't see the issue.

 

The danger is when people are convinced they should behave in some way (e.g. offering sex early for fear of the other party losing interest), only to discover they've disrespected their own core beliefs.

 

Introspect, find out what you stand for and have the courage to uphold those standards. That's my thinking anyway.