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Sensible or settling? Marriage of "convenience"


blueberrymuffin

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blueberrymuffin

Thoughts on settling for a marriage of "convenience"??

 

So I've had a really uneventful love life and I'm 35. Not much to report, I like guys who aren't into me or the other way round. I'm attractive, great social life and a great career. All I can think it's the way I give off vibes or I'm too picky with the guys I want. I've recently been disappointed by this guy which made me rethink everything. Being brought up on Mr Darcy has done me no favors. Now I've got to the stage where I'm sick of guys who don't know what they want, are looking for some magical thing, go off to find "themselves" etc etc. And I'm sick of waiting for this perfect guy I've been imagining in my head. I came to realise a couple of months ago that I want that stability now and maybe that hot French surgeon who adores me and has been waiting for me, just me, his whole life and who owns an apartment in Manhattan and rescues kittens in his spare time just doesn't exist.

 

ANYWAY. A friend who I've known for 5 years has had a weird conversation with me a couple of days ago. He's admitted he doesn't believe in "falling in love" and that even if you do at some point you fall out of love. His whole theory is you pick someone, anyone, and then make it work no matter what. He figures you can make it work almost anyone. The whole point of the conversation was that that someone should be me. I laughed it off, but he has got me thinking. I'm kind of beginning to believe the same thing but to a lesser extent, I feel something has to be there at first and THEN you make it work when things get bad.

 

Thing is, he's actually got me thinking now if I should have a conversation with him and backtrack on laughing it off. The reasons are: even though I have never been attracted to him AT ALL I'm actually not that concerned about appearance. This guy is complete husband and father material. He's kind, caring, great with kids, would never, ever stray. And, I know this makes me sound totally shallow, but ivy league educated and great career. The reason I mention that, is that if I'm going to "settle" it may as well be with someone who I can have a good life with, right? I've never fallen insanely in love, I wonder if I'm the type who will? I want kids and I want a solid husband who would never cheat or decide to "find himself" years into the marriage. I also want the financial security to give up work if I decide to be a stay at home mother. We get on, we can talk about anything.. But I don't know if I should do it. Part of me wants to be someone special not the wife whose name you picked out a hat. The other part of me thinks that 'specialness' may either never come (hasn't come in 35 years) or if it does it won't last long. Let's face it, my biological clock is ticking and if I don't have kids in the next 3 or 4 years it ain't happening. Having kids with an Ivy league educated attorney who would be the most hands on dad imaginable doesn't sound like a bad deal? Sensible? Or settling when something better could be around the corner?

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Smthn_Like_Olivia

In the end, you'll still find that there's something missing in the relationship, and when all is said and done, it may be YOU that ends up the cheater.

 

Fall in love with the man of your dreams, not the idea. I found mine at 37, but not before I endured 10 yrs of hell married to the wrong man. If you ask me, happiness is worth the wait and far more fulfilling than "convenience".

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todreaminblue

you can make it work with almost anyone.......the thing is you have to love them and they have to love you back.maybe if you follow your heart if you pray and follow that still small voice.......it might be the guy you have waited for for so long who comes your way.......now i guess you can choose if you meet that guy in a marriage of convenience to another......how would you feel then? marriage is meant to be forever.....be with someone you love who loves you...then the effort that you have to put into sustaining a lasting loving marriage .....is in itself, its own reward..........deb

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My friend of 4 years recently propositioned me with the same idea: he is hot (very hot), has a 200K a year job, would be a good husband and father....We have some chemistry. Sort of. I think. Ahh.. then again, we have been friends for too long for me to even really know....

 

I was indifferent about it.

Thought it could be fun hanging out more and getting some action from each other in the bedroom department...

 

Then a few days ago at a metal concert I randomly got handed tickets to, I met a guy.

 

Instantly I felt super interested and super excited about hanging out with him and ever since it has been crazy. Personally, I don't want to bypass that crazy in love sort of reaction - where you meet someone, it only happens a couple of times in life - and instantly you just want them so badly.It happens - you can find men who you have an instant spark with - you just cannot be fussy with looks unless you are a supermodel.

 

The guys I have felt it for have been NOT stereotypically hot - but yet to ME, they were sublimely sexy.....Those are the guys that will look at you and think " wow " and be unbelievably happy that they have you all to themselves - men that date hot women regularly are more MEH about you I find. So my type of guy just means I have more instant sparks with men than you would since I don't require them to be tall, wish a 6 pack or with a full head of hair - I find the contrary to be incredibly sexy.

 

The more types of men you are open to, the more chance of you having that wow factor and for it to actually be with an incredible partner.

 

I have always known that I would not have the slightest problem in meeting that once or twice in a lifetime sort of man where there is instant fireworks - and on a level that transcends just the physical - a true connection in every sense of the word, and that is instant, hot and sustainable long term. I am open to many men - I find many types attractive therefore I have a large chance at finding that elusive fairy tale instant connection - since I am an attractive female who goes for men who aren't my stereotyped equal (but are very sexy to ME).

 

If you are attractive as you claim to be than adopting my method or something similar would work if you learn to be open to finding allll types of men sexy. It is a process and takes time - I was once only about men with muscles and model looks - where as I soon realised that I wanted the instant WOW factor and, although I am attractive to a lot of men, I knew it would be hard for me to have that instant WOW chemistry with "hot men" with 6 packs! As they can pick and choose from beautiful women and are therefore less inclined to feel that I am that remarkable upon first glance.....

 

I wanted the instant chemistry and instant wow factor and I knew that because it is rare, that I needed to simply open myself up to more types of men - It works -

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OH - and I have several men who would love to date me yet who I only view as friends as I lack chemistry and romantic feelings.

 

I find it sad the way people think " well, they are father material, may as well go there since no one that I have a spark and true chemistry with will ever come along"

 

You can adopt. You can freeze your eggs. You can have a child with a platonic friend if giving birth is THAT imperative....

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I take it, he's kind, considerate, attentive, etc.? You share similar financial, religious, and child-rearing philosophies? That you could be sexually attracted to him?

 

You raise an interesting question: What's the difference between growing up and figuring out what traits matter in a good relationship partner and compromise/settling? I don't know? I suspect it's a bit of a continuum.

 

Your friend brought up an important point. I've talked to a lot of couples with long, happy, satisfying marriages...40, 50, 60+ years of marriage. One thing they all say, is the feeling of limerance and being "in love" ebbs and flows repeatedly over the course of marriage. But their love for each other and their commitment to their marriage remains relatively constant despite stumbling blocks along the way, even at the lowest points in their marriages.

 

He didn't use the most romantic pickup line, but why not date him, and see where it goes? ...If you could like him "that way" and if you're compatible?

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Thegreatestthing

This settling thing has come up so much on here,I had no idea so many people were like this.

In other posts people have mentioned the article "marry him,the case for settling for mr good enough" you can google it. I'm a real Romanticist so for me the idea is a total betrayal of the soul,heart,mind etc,having sex with someone you're not attracted to is also just Arggh.

 

But I totally understand the desire for care,comfort and security and believe you me it can be really hard to get any of that Within a "passionate,all consuming" relationship,I feel like you have to choose one or the other.but im probably wrong there's probably lots of people who are madly in love with one another and still feel secure etc etc.

 

The liking him for his paperwork/schooling is very offputing,but I know some people really care about status,I don't really understand that.

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Arranged marriages seem to last longer than ones based on romantic love. It's because they have no expectations and gradually grow closer and even fall in love because they are working together for a common goal. As long as he knows going in that this is your mindset and is okay with it.

 

Be engaged for a year to see how you feel.

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The big passion fizzles within 2-3 years. What you're left with are values and character. I disagree that you can make it work with almost everyone. You can make it work though with someone who is kind, caring and loyal.

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I take it, he's kind, considerate, attentive, etc.? You share similar financial, religious, and child-rearing philosophies? That you could be sexually attracted to him?

 

You raise an interesting question: What's the difference between growing up and figuring out what traits matter in a good relationship partner and compromise/settling? I don't know? I suspect it's a bit of a continuum.

 

Your friend brought up an important point. I've talked to a lot of couples with long, happy, satisfying marriages...40, 50, 60+ years of marriage. One thing they all say, is the feeling of limerance and being "in love" ebbs and flows repeatedly over the course of marriage. But their love for each other and their commitment to their marriage remains relatively constant despite stumbling blocks along the way, even at the lowest points in their marriages.

 

He didn't use the most romantic pickup line, but why not date him, and see where it goes? ...If you could like him "that way" and if you're compatible?

 

 

 

Right. Date someone she isn't passionate about AKA, a FRIEND.

 

And then one day she will run into a man she feels instant fireworks with and who she then realises she has a true connection with and she will leave her "safe" and "secure" relationships to be with the new men she is actually passionate about.

 

Sounds great.

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you can make it work with almost anyone...

 

I used to think this, too, but I have found that there are a lot of dysfunctional people out there and that's a dealbreaker for me personally.

 

I think this guy has potential but you really need to get to know him first. I personally feel cautious about his words about making it work "no matter what". It's a nice sentiment from a normal person but it makes the hair stand up on my arms when I think of the nuts out there who would say that with a whole different meaning.

 

If I were you, I'd date him for at least a year, make sure you don't find him repulsive in some way, that he's not some kind of sicko, and if all goes well, then marry the guy and have his kids. If he's all you think he's cracked up to be, then he will provide very nicely for you and your kids. And, believe it or not, the two of you might actually fall in love with one another once you feel safe and cared for. Also, get the important things worked out -- like, will you stay at home with the kids, what happens if the marriage does end, etc. Figure out how he reacts when he's angry. A calm man, in control of his emotions is a big plus. In other words, don't just blindly accept him at this stage but maybe give him a chance. You never know.

Edited by bathtub-row
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*sigh*

 

Yeah great advice people.

 

In the meanwhile, women like me will wait until we find a guy who we are actually very excited about, and we will go on to have a very passionate relationship with a caring and reliable and loving partner.

 

I wonder who is going to enjoy their relationships more.

 

I may have to wait longer to find instant sparks and natural passion with a compatible and decent man/partner, but I will enjoy it a heck of a lot more than a boring friendship based partnership!

 

 

 

I really think it is a MISTAKE to try to urge the OP to settle......

 

I found the spark big time a few days ago a guy who seems pretty decent and lovely.

 

If it doesn't work out with him I will go on to find the spark with another man who is decent and loving towards me and proves to be a long term partner.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge after redacting response to banned member
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40 Fonzarelli

It all comes down to time. How long are you willing to wait? Are you willing to risk not finding someone at all? Would you rather have something than nothing? What if you do "settle" and then meet "the one" 5 years later? My advice is to just go with the flow and go with your gut. If you have to use logic to weigh the pros and cons of being with someone, then that's not the right person.

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todreaminblue
I used to think this, too, but I have found that there are a lot of dysfunctional people out there and that's a dealbreaker for me personally.

 

I think this guy has potential but you really need to get to know him first. I personally feel cautious about his words about making it work "no matter what". It's a nice sentiment from a normal person but it makes the hair stand up on my arms when I think of the nuts out there who would say that with a whole different meaning.

 

If I were you, I'd date him for at least a year, make sure you don't find him repulsive in some way, that he's not some kind of sicko, and if all goes well, then marry the guy and have his kids. If he's all you think he's cracked up to be, then he will provide very nicely for you and your kids. And, believe it or not, the two of you might actually fall in love with one another once you feel safe and cared for. Also, get the important things worked out -- like, will you stay at home with the kids, what happens if the marriage does end, etc. Figure out how he reacts when he's angry. A calm man, in control of his emotions is a big plus. In other words, don't just blindly accept him at this stage but maybe give him a chance. You never know.

 

 

everyone (considering that no one is perfect)..... everyone operates on a day to day basis with some form of dysfunction......due to either baggage or whatever ...mistakes made past present future..........

 

 

the rest of my post .......said what was important....when you love someone and they love you ....you learn to adapt to the flaws and even love those flaws as a contribution in the making of the whole person who they actually are ......serious character flaws and or dysfunction are a battle.....and not for everyone.....being nuts ....is relative i feel......we all are......anyone who says they are perfectly normal....is not truthful..the biggest nuts on earth....are often extremely clever......at hiding it.......

 

 

i think love superabounds everything..always throughout history.....love conquers mountains.......and in forming a lasting eternal union if love abounds.....the marriage will stick around...dr suess style...;0)..date nights at 82 sorta love......penguin lurrrv...deb

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If this is going to be the very last person you ever sleep with, ever, why wouldn't you want there you be passion / attraction?

 

This is the one life we get.

 

How you choose to spend it is up to you.

 

I once had a friend tell me,

 

He'd rather die chasing his dreams than life a quiet life of safely and ultimately , disappointment.

 

I think people settle because they give up. Giving up is not a great place to start something like a life long commitment.

 

My biggest issue with settling? It's selfish. Think about it.

 

It doesn't come from a place of "giving". It's not about "I care enough about this other person to want to GIVE them myself, my resources, my life".

 

It's "Oh, I want companionship. I don't want to be alone. MY life would be easier if I had someone to share it with. I want someone to have children with!".

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If this is going to be the very last person you ever sleep with, ever, why wouldn't you want there you be passion / attraction?

 

This is the one life we get.

 

How you choose to spend it is up to you.

 

I once had a friend tell me,

 

He'd rather die chasing his dreams than life a quiet life of safely and ultimately , disappointment.

 

I think people settle because they give up. Giving up is not a great place to start something like a life long commitment.

 

My biggest issue with settling? It's selfish. Think about it.

 

It doesn't come from a place of "giving". It's not about "I care enough about this other person to want to GIVE them myself, my resources, my life".

 

It's "Oh, I want companionship. I don't want to be alone. MY life would be easier if I had someone to share it with. I want someone to have children with!".

 

passion and attraction won't hold you through the bad times, it is character traits and inner qualities that do that. many relationships that have passion and attraction have very little substance and people see their partners for who they really are when the bad times come around. these boards are filled with passionate relationships that have ended badly, and partners so passionate at the beginning who are now in sexless, loveless relationships. settling is not settling - "settling" is a very adult way of recognizing that not everything in life is perfect. it really is ok to accept "good enough." it's the expectation of more and better and perfect than keeps many people single and leads people to cheat

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everyone (considering that no one is perfect)..... everyone operates on a day to day basis with some form of dysfunction......due to either baggage or whatever ...mistakes made past present future..........

 

 

the rest of my post .......said what was important....when you love someone and they love you ....you learn to adapt to the flaws and even love those flaws as a contribution in the making of the whole person who they actually are ......serious character flaws and or dysfunction are a battle.....and not for everyone.....being nuts ....is relative i feel......we all are......anyone who says they are perfectly normal....is not truthful..the biggest nuts on earth....are often extremely clever......at hiding it.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to misquote you. I read what you had written but your first words caught my attention.

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todreaminblue
Sorry, I didn't mean to misquote you. I read what you had written but your first words caught my attention.

 

 

thats ok......:0)....thanks for the apology....deb

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passion and attraction won't hold you through the bad times, it is character traits and inner qualities that do that. many relationships that have passion and attraction have very little substance and people see their partners for who they really are when the bad times come around. these boards are filled with passionate relationships that have ended badly, and partners so passionate at the beginning who are now in sexless, loveless relationships. settling is not settling - "settling" is a very adult way of recognizing that not everything in life is perfect. it really is ok to accept "good enough." it's the expectation of more and better and perfect than keeps many people single and leads people to cheat

 

I agree with this. It's important to OP to have a family and she's right that time is becoming an issue. Waiting around for that perfect person is a nice sentiment but it also could mean you wait forever. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with marrying a nice guy who can provide stability and happiness to a home. Those passionate, intense relationships do not always equal happy marriages, as we all know.

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I agree with this. It's important to OP to have a family and she's right that time is becoming an issue. Waiting around for that perfect person is a nice sentiment but it also could mean you wait forever. I don't think there's anything at all wrong with marrying a nice guy who can provide stability and happiness to a home. Those passionate, intense relationships do not always equal happy marriages, as we all know.

 

True but without the passion and excitement a woman will never truly be turned by a man. Being a man who has been settled for must be the worst thing a guy can experience in a relationship.

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passion and attraction won't hold you through the bad times, it is character traits and inner qualities that do that. many relationships that have passion and attraction have very little substance and people see their partners for who they really are when the bad times come around. these boards are filled with passionate relationships that have ended badly, and partners so passionate at the beginning who are now in sexless, loveless relationships. settling is not settling - "settling" is a very adult way of recognizing that not everything in life is perfect. it really is ok to accept "good enough." it's the expectation of more and better and perfect than keeps many people single and leads people to cheat

 

I'm just not convinced it's the "either / or" situation people think it is.

 

Sure, passion alone won't hold a relationship together, but I just had my most recent relationship fall apart because there wasn't enough passion.

 

But pretending like "mutual companionship" is enough for you when it's not, is just going to lead to disaster.

 

Passion and attraction is what sets aside "friends" from lovers. A marriage of convenience is what happens when people simply get tired of looking. That's it.

 

I'd challenge anyone to go on 500 dates and *not* find someone they feel both a unique attraction for, plus a deeply felt connection.

 

It's that most people don't have the fortitude to go on 500 dates.

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I'm just not convinced it's the "either / or" situation people think it is.

 

Sure, passion alone won't hold a relationship together, but I just had my most recent relationship fall apart because there wasn't enough passion.

 

But pretending like "mutual companionship" is enough for you when it's not, is just going to lead to disaster.

 

Passion and attraction is what sets aside "friends" from lovers. A marriage of convenience is what happens when people simply get tired of looking. That's it.

 

I'd challenge anyone to go on 500 dates and *not* find someone they feel both a unique attraction for, plus a deeply felt connection.

 

It's that most people don't have the fortitude to go on 500 dates.

 

well, with the divorce rate being a very handy 50% that means the chances of 'settling' for the person in front of you right now are statistically the same as waiting for that amazing connection. so, unless you're 20, and the OP is not, there is no real point in waiting

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well, with the divorce rate being a very handy 50% that means the chances of 'settling' for the person in front of you right now are statistically the same as waiting for that amazing connection. so, unless you're 20, and the OP is not, there is no real point in waiting

 

Hang on a sec, if you've got 50% chance of divorce, doesn't that mean you should be more careful about who your choosing, not less?

 

I'm not advocating "waiting" by the way.

 

I'm advocating actually going out and continuing to actively search for what you want.

 

I think people settling ends up really hurting a lot of people. I would never want to be "settled" for. I never want to stand there, at the alter and look into the face of a women who thought "Yeah.. you'll do".

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True but without the passion and excitement a woman will never truly be turned by a man. Being a man who has been settled for must be the worst thing a guy can experience in a relationship.

 

I disagree. There are other countries with arranged marriages where the couple says that they fell in love with one another. If there's no situation where one of them is in love with someone else, the likelihood of falling in love with someone who cares for you, who becomes your friend, and makes you feel cared for and safe, is very high.

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