Meanwhile - How do you cope with being alone/single?

[Evening]

I mean being a single can be a lot of fun, if you really want to be single, but there comes a time when you do not want to be anymore and you start to really look for a boy/girl or man/woman who to have a relationship with.

But what if there is no success in the relationship area?

Sorry for being childish, but I am just so impatient, things are not working out as I want them to be, my heart is crying and my body is aching. And I am not joking.

 

I wanted to be free, I enjoyed my own interdependency for so long and now I just want to be in a committed relationship. At the same time I am not quite sure that I acknowledge that there are responsibilities what come with it also.

Do I really have to hang out with my bf friends? What if its every week like that? What if I loose myself? What if I put all my focus on the other and later if he leaves me I am devastated? - I guess these are my fears.

 

Ughh, poor me..lol

I just feel like I cannot take it anymore....

 

Thanks

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Don't worry. I'm use to being single too. More so than not. And sometimes I'm so use to it that when it comes to dating again it feels like the world has moved on and changed so much since I was last in a relationship. Then those trust issues resurface and everything looks blury. Where do I start how do I start? etc... are their dating coaches and counseling services near by?

[Frank2thepoint]

Take inventory in what you want from a relationship. Write it down. Think about past relationships that you did not like. Put it all together, see if it makes sense, see if it feels good. Then look for someone that meets those requirements for you.

[preraph]

I can't even imagine being like you are, being so uncomfortable with being with only yourself that it causes you such angst. I get wanting to find someone, but I don't get being miserable until you do. When I'm by myself and have time to relax and be leisurely, I find myself very entertaining, so I will never be lonely. My only problems come in when I just have no time to be leisurely, which is quite a lot the past decade.

 

You want someone bad enough that you will get someone because you will make compromises and if necessary settle just so you're not alone. I am only cautioning you to be clear in your mind what it's okay to settle on and what it's not and keep your future children in mind when thinking about that. Good luck. Hope you find love soon.

[venusishername]

I spent three years wondering why I was single, and wondering what was wrong with the men I was seeing not wanting to pursue something more with me. Then I took a good look at myself and realized I had many options that I was pushing away, was not ready for, and/or was only getting involved with superficial relationships because that's all I felt safe and comfortable with.

Once I decided I wanted a real relationship again, I simply started embracing being single and not fighting it and feeling sorry for myself.

 

 

I remember one day actually thinking 'I'm so lonely it physically hurts.' I was crying on the way home from work one day and it was then I realized I was ready, or the closest to it I've been in years.

Like a light switch, I decided I was just going to embrace it. I was even going to embrace being LONELY. So I started doing more and more things alone, and ironically stopped feeling so restless and antsy. Simple things like going to the ocean and going for long walks or sitting with my coffee at a coffee shop. I started being more open and friendly in general, initiated conversations with people, simply just smiling and making eye contact with people. In the process I found my own happiness. I didn't and won't settle for anything less than what I want now. I also know I don't need validation because I had it in me all along.

 

 

My best advice to cope with being single is to embrace it, and not compare your life with others' who are in relationships, because that doesn't necessarily mean they are happy. You will never be here again, don't think about yesterday or tomorrow, enjoy the present.

[Gloria25]

Eh, you get into a routine....work, workout, family, friends, chores - wash, rinse, and repeat.

 

Masturbation helps too...

 

I don't think I'm "coping" per se. I guess I am so used to be alone and actually prefer to be alone. Anytime someone comes in my space, it disrupts my "thing".

 

Like right now, I'm dying for mum to go visit the family and let me be alone. There will be a period of adjustment back to me being alone, but at the same time I need my space!!!

[newenglandkid]

Eh, you get into a routine....work, workout, family, friends, chores - wash, rinse, and repeat.

 

Masturbation helps too...

 

I don't think I'm "coping" per se. I guess I am so used to be alone and actually prefer to be alone. Anytime someone comes in my space, it disrupts my "thing".

 

Like right now, I'm dying for mum to go visit the family and let me be alone. There will be a period of adjustment back to me being alone, but at the same time I need my space!!!

 

LOL what Gloria25 said.

 

But yeah for me working out really helps, it helps you think less about what ever (or whomever) may be on your mind. But you also get in to great shape which is awesome, because then you'll gain SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENCE!

 

But between that, work, and going out/hanging out with friends, being single is actually fine (and I'm the guy who was COMPLETELY DEPENDENT on my ex girlfriend)

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me like you just need to find ways to have more fun.

 

Never have I manifested a good relationship when I was down and out. That's when I attracted guys who were also down and out on some level. Like attracts like.

 

You need to learn to lift yourself up when life is tough. It's a great skill you'll rely on your whole life. Once you're feeling good and strong again, that's the time to get back out there.

[Toodaloo]

I am single for the first time in years (same guy). Have been since the early part of this year.

 

I am loving it. I get to pick my nose, scratch my bum. Go out where I want to do what I want when I want. If I want to walk round with my face pack on waggling my bottom to groovy tunes at 2am I do! If I want to fart I do! I am healthier, happier and in general not all that bothered at all. I am also sleeping better as I have SOOOO much space in the bed and I get to snuggle up with my dogs.

 

I am also hating it. I really miss snogging and the touching. That is the worst bit. I am not going to snog my dogs or have them around while I am "sorting myself out...!!! I really miss having someone to scratch my back for me. I miss finding out how someones day was or having someone else to come up with ideas of what to do or even simple things like what to eat for supper. I struggle with the most stupid of things sometimes (if a shop hasn't go the shampoo I am looking for and I have run out I have been known to use the dogs because I just can't make a decision... sad I know, at least I don't have fleas and I don't actually care what shampoo as long as my hair is clean). I miss having someone be decisive at those times when I can't be for what ever reason.

 

I am at the point where I don't care if I actually find someone or not. I am happy on my own and I am living a fulfilling life. It would be nice though so I am going to start looking and being a bit proactive about it.

 

Another person can not make you "happy". In most cases if you enter into a relationship and define yourself by that relationship you will be miserable and even more unhappy than you are now... a recipe for disaster.

 

My advice is get up off your backside and go and find things that you enjoy to do. Get out, get some fresh air. Go and try something new. Drag your friends, family, anyone along with you.

 

I met an old colleague I haven't seen in years while grabbing some food from the shops this weekend and she is dragging me off speed dating in the new year! She has always wanted to go so I said I would go with her and have a laugh. Could be fun, could be a disaster, either way we will be able to laugh about it later! She seems to think the guys in my home town are "posh" because its a very expensive area to live in... boy has she got a shock coming to her! My poor mother, who is terrified of horses was dragged on a "western riding trail" in the summer, now that was hilarious, friends have been dragged round ice rinks, through trees and I have more booked for next year!!! I have been to concerts, opening ceremony's... there is very little I say no to these days.

 

Go and get a life. You only have one and you are wasting it waiting around for a bloke to "make" you happy. You are becoming dull and whiney which is also really unattractive... So all you are doing is sabotaging yourself.

[Evening]

TY for sharing your stories!

 

Geesh I really feel like I miss the touching and cuddling part. Ughh..and I hate sleeping alone, my bed is too big for a only a one person.

It so good when after a long day at work, you have a wonderful person to share your day at work with! Also who is there to listen to you, when you feel bad, sad, angry etc, when you feel like no one understands you and then he wraps his arms around you and you feel warm and protected. You are like in safe haven. I am such a romantic, I know!

 

But I do not like being alone, I dont want to be single, at the same time I have no find a good match in my area yet. Ughh...poor me!

Okay, enough with self pity!

[Evening]

I can't even imagine being like you are, being so uncomfortable with being with only yourself that it causes you such angst. I get wanting to find someone, but I don't get being miserable until you do. When I'm by myself and have time to relax and be leisurely, I find myself very entertaining, so I will never be lonely. My only problems come in when I just have no time to be leisurely, which is quite a lot the past decade.

 

You want someone bad enough that you will get someone because you will make compromises and if necessary settle just so you're not alone. I am only cautioning you to be clear in your mind what it's okay to settle on and what it's not and keep your future children in mind when thinking about that. Good luck. Hope you find love soon.

 

Thanks!!!

[Evening]

I spent three years wondering why I was single, and wondering what was wrong with the men I was seeing not wanting to pursue something more with me. Then I took a good look at myself and realized I had many options that I was pushing away, was not ready for, and/or was only getting involved with superficial relationships because that's all I felt safe and comfortable with.

Once I decided I wanted a real relationship again, I simply started embracing being single and not fighting it and feeling sorry for myself.

 

 

I remember one day actually thinking 'I'm so lonely it physically hurts.' I was crying on the way home from work one day and it was then I realized I was ready, or the closest to it I've been in years.

Like a light switch, I decided I was just going to embrace it. I was even going to embrace being LONELY. So I started doing more and more things alone, and ironically stopped feeling so restless and antsy. Simple things like going to the ocean and going for long walks or sitting with my coffee at a coffee shop. I started being more open and friendly in general, initiated conversations with people, simply just smiling and making eye contact with people. In the process I found my own happiness. I didn't and won't settle for anything less than what I want now. I also know I don't need validation because I had it in me all along.

 

 

My best advice to cope with being single is to embrace it, and not compare your life with others' who are in relationships, because that doesn't necessarily mean they are happy. You will never be here again, don't think about yesterday or tomorrow, enjoy the present.

 

Yeah, I know, yesterday I felt like I should let all this whats happening in my mind go, but my body was aching, I felt so sick, I needed someone to hold my hand, to kiss me etc. Today I am feeling better.

 

Thanks for sharing what you've experienced!

 

All the best!

[Evening]

Eh, you get into a routine....work, workout, family, friends, chores - wash, rinse, and repeat.

 

Masturbation helps too...

 

I don't think I'm "coping" per se. I guess I am so used to be alone and actually prefer to be alone. Anytime someone comes in my space, it disrupts my "thing".

 

Like right now, I'm dying for mum to go visit the family and let me be alone. There will be a period of adjustment back to me being alone, but at the same time I need my space!!!

 

You kinda sound like me. Are you living with your parents?

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Evening]

LOL what Gloria25 said.

 

But yeah for me working out really helps, it helps you think less about what ever (or whomever) may be on your mind. But you also get in to great shape which is awesome, because then you'll gain SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENCE!

 

But between that, work, and going out/hanging out with friends, being single is actually fine (and I'm the guy who was COMPLETELY DEPENDENT on my ex girlfriend)

 

Thank you for writing your experiences!

Anyway, I have always thought that one day my prince will come and make everything feel like in a fairy tale.

What I have discovered in my life is that magical relationship does not happen just because they happen, its because two people put effort in it.

Sometimes I feel like a child, like I really really want to have a bf or SO and I am so impatient. To the point when I feel like I cannot handle this anymore.

 

I have always been free spirit, since last Autumn. Then for the first time in my life I needed a companion. I needed someone who would take care of me as I wanted to take care of someone too, make breakfast to someone, clean our home etc. Yeah, kinda crazy, I know.

[carhill]

Meanwhile - How do you cope with being alone/single?

 

One makes plans and life happens. TBH, the last five years (four since the D was official) have flown by. I often comment on this to my best friend when we recount timelines and all the projects we've done and things experienced. Life has been so robust, even with the expected moments of feeling lonely or sad, to really identify any one pattern of coping.

 

I would opine that, in my case, going through over a year of MC before we divorced helped immensely. When life happens, we have choices and freedom. To me, that's empowering. We're very fortunate.

[Evening]

I am single for the first time in years (same guy). Have been since the early part of this year.

 

I am loving it. I get to pick my nose, scratch my bum. Go out where I want to do what I want when I want. If I want to walk round with my face pack on waggling my bottom to groovy tunes at 2am I do! If I want to fart I do! I am healthier, happier and in general not all that bothered at all. I am also sleeping better as I have SOOOO much space in the bed and I get to snuggle up with my dogs.

 

I am also hating it. I really miss snogging and the touching. That is the worst bit. I am not going to snog my dogs or have them around while I am "sorting myself out...!!! I really miss having someone to scratch my back for me. I miss finding out how someones day was or having someone else to come up with ideas of what to do or even simple things like what to eat for supper. I struggle with the most stupid of things sometimes (if a shop hasn't go the shampoo I am looking for and I have run out I have been known to use the dogs because I just can't make a decision... sad I know, at least I don't have fleas and I don't actually care what shampoo as long as my hair is clean). I miss having someone be decisive at those times when I can't be for what ever reason.

 

I am at the point where I don't care if I actually find someone or not. I am happy on my own and I am living a fulfilling life. It would be nice though so I am going to start looking and being a bit proactive about it.

 

Another person can not make you "happy". In most cases if you enter into a relationship and define yourself by that relationship you will be miserable and even more unhappy than you are now... a recipe for disaster.

 

My advice is get up off your backside and go and find things that you enjoy to do. Get out, get some fresh air. Go and try something new. Drag your friends, family, anyone along with you.

 

I met an old colleague I haven't seen in years while grabbing some food from the shops this weekend and she is dragging me off speed dating in the new year! She has always wanted to go so I said I would go with her and have a laugh. Could be fun, could be a disaster, either way we will be able to laugh about it later! She seems to think the guys in my home town are "posh" because its a very expensive area to live in... boy has she got a shock coming to her! My poor mother, who is terrified of horses was dragged on a "western riding trail" in the summer, now that was hilarious, friends have been dragged round ice rinks, through trees and I have more booked for next year!!! I have been to concerts, opening ceremony's... there is very little I say no to these days.

 

Go and get a life. You only have one and you are wasting it waiting around for a bloke to "make" you happy. You are becoming dull and whiney which is also really unattractive... So all you are doing is sabotaging yourself.

 

You are so right and also very mature ! I know I should do all that, but daily routine work life sometimes exhausted me and I need someone who boosts me up and maybe yeah, I am counting on others too much. Others to lift my mood up etc. I am just stuck.

 

I like freedom, but I also like being together with someone. I need that feeling of being connected, being there for someone, watching old cartoons together and eating breakfast in bed at weekends.

 

At the same time there is no point to be in relationship just to be in relationship, not because you feel like you do not want to be alone, I know that relationships need work. And one always receives what he/she puts into it.

 

Anyway thank you for sharing your story!

Best of luck!

[preraph]

I've had that longing before, only when I was young, but I didn't equate it with loneliness, just being unsettled like a caged animal, restlessness. As another poster reminded, masturbation helps with that, physical activities and just staying out and about staying busy alleviates that. And for me, what I used to long for most when young and too busy to have one is a pet because I grew up taking my comfort and companionship from animals. So now that I've got my pets, really, I'm good. Snuggling with them watching tv is my favorite thing to do most days. But I do realize not everyone is a pet person. But I'm glad I am.

[Toodaloo]

I've had that longing before, only when I was young, but I didn't equate it with loneliness, just being unsettled like a caged animal, restlessness. As another poster reminded, masturbation helps with that, physical activities and just staying out and about staying busy alleviates that. And for me, what I used to long for most when young and too busy to have one is a pet because I grew up taking my comfort and companionship from animals. So now that I've got my pets, really, I'm good. Snuggling with them watching tv is my favorite thing to do most days. But I do realize not everyone is a pet person. But I'm glad I am.

 

This is so true. My dogs come with me everywhere including the office. I currently have one on either side of me. If I get cold at night I whistle for a hot water bottle. Rather handy as you dont have to move boil a kettle etc...

 

OP mature and I do not go in the same sentance! There just comes a point where you accept who you are and give up worrying about what everyone else is doing. Whats the saying... growing old is manditory growing up is optional?

 

You are the only person who can make you happy. So get up off your bum and go find new things to do. Saying work etc is getting in the way is utter balls. It just takes planning and a bit of imagination. If you cant be arsed to go get a life then I am afraid you only have yourself to blame. No man is going to want to date a girl who expects them to entertain her all the time. Its exhausting... just think while you are trying all this new stuff you could come up with some great ideas for dates...

[venusishername]

One of my best friends has always had a hard time with relationships. In my opinion in the time I've known her she just hasn't really been fully ready. She's completely focused on her career and finishing her last year of grad school. She is constantly complaining about how frustrating her dating life is and the men in her life are like revolving doors. She wastes so much time on men who don't put effort into dating her, or won't date someone because of his religion, or because he used to date someone she used to know. She makes a lot of excuses.

I recently told her to stop putting so much pressure on herself, that maybe it's just not the right time and to focus on finishing school. She protested that she really wanted a relationship, and I told her to just let it go for now. I hope she listens to me because as much as I love her I can't stand hearing her complain about these guys anymore. She's picking the wrong ones and pushing away the right ones.

I truly think that as long as you are needy and wanting someone to 'rescue' you from being single, you won't find anyone worth keeping.