Bf lowers my self-esteem

[kjill]

Not sure if it's him or it's me on my own that lowers my self esteem. But here's the deal, I have inferiority complex.

 

I was overweight but he used to say that it doesn't matter to him. I lost a lot of weight now, he acts like he doesn't care at all. Yes it's nice that he doesn't care about my weight but I was really happy that I lost weight and when I told him that, he made me feel like it's no big deal.

 

Another is he makes me feel like I don't do anything right. Yes, I know it's bad to become clingy/needy but we are in LDR. And it's fairly new to me. He always say that what I'm doing is wrong. I should be this and that...not clingy, have my own space and time for myself only, I should relax and not overthink stuffs, if I'm upset with him I should be conversant and not just crying. If he isn't able to reply to my text, I should not panic. He always say I panic too much. He say these things in a calm manner anyway so I'm confused if I simply can't accept being corrected...or I'm with mr. Wrong.

 

Anyway, because of this, we had argument the past days. I wanted to talk so he called me after work...but he sensed that I was about to cry and couldn't converse. He calmly say that I should just go to sleep and we will talk the next day once I cooled off. I forced it, that I end up just crying out loud and he ended up getting a bit pissed. The tone of his voice changed. He just ended the call with " just get back at me when you're okay already." I hung up. He then texted me saying that he would talk to me if I'm conversant coz he gets irritated when someone just cries out loud with nothing to say. We didn't talk for 2 daÿs. Then I texted him that I realized that I should've listen to him in the first place coz after i cried myself out, I was ok already. And thought I should've vent out all my emotions before contacting him. He replied saying that what do I think he's been doing all this time? He said he's trying to teach me everything he can and he knows I will hate him for it but the lessons are there whether I acknowledge it or not. Yes, he has a point. Again and again and I feel like all I do is wrong.

 

So is he actually right? And I'm just immature and has low self esteem? There's an 8 year gap anyway...he's working, has a kid. I'm still a college student.

Edited November 23, 2014 by kjill
Invomplete

[MissMoneyPenny]

You need to work on building your self esteem. I love this quote:

 

"To be healthy - eat right, walk right and talk to yourself right"

 

When your self esteem is low it is very difficult to make good level-headed decisions.

 

Crying that often isn't healthy and you need to figure out what is causing this.

 

Can you see a counsellor at your college? I would strongly suggest speaking to a counsellor so that you can make sense of your feelings. Wait until you have talked things through with a counsellor before deciding whether your relationship is right for you or not. As it is a LDR then perhaps you have time to sort out your feelings before you next see your BF.

[MissMoneyPenny]

I was overweight but he used to say that it doesn't matter to him. I lost a lot of weight now, he acts like he doesn't care at all. Yes it's nice that he doesn't care about my weight but I was really happy that I lost weight and when I told him that, he made me feel like it's no big deal.

 

Yes it's nice that he doesn't mind what weight you are but you set yourself a goal to lose weight and you worked hard to achieve that goal and of course you were happy with this achievement. He should have congratulated you on this.

[evanescentworld]

Whenever anyone speaks of low self-esteem, insecurity or having an inferiority complex, I would urge them to ask themselves the following question, and then dig deep within themselves, alone, on their own, with a thick pad and pen, and answer it.

Maybe even over a couple of days.

 

The question is:

 

What is it within myself that deems it appropriate and acceptable, to allow situations where people can be rude, take advantage, or abuse my good nature, to arise?

What within me, thinks it's perfectly ok to give all that, permission to happen?

 

Sit. Think. Write. Learn. Accept.

 

and CHANGE.

[StalwartMind]

It is entirely possible that a LDR is not for you, at least until you can change or work out some better way of communicating with him. One easy way to go wrong of each other is when you end of assuming things instead of actually knowing the real reason or intention. He might be telling you things and with the sincerest intention, but he does not calculate your reaction and feelings into it.

 

We all come from different backgrounds and used to things being a certain way, and whenever a new element enters our life, we in our own ignorance forget, at least for a moment, that this new person might be thinking or doing things entirely different.

 

Age gap is no excuse or issue, not in my book, it's just a silly number we all run around and pretend it means something. Good behavior and manners can't be taught early enough.

 

I'd strongly advise you to, not be harsh on yourself feeling like all you do is wrong, because reality is, you aren't. You may not be dealing with everything 100% correct, but who are anyway? The thing that matters is that you find a way to improve your situation, with or without him, at least attempt to find some way to communicate better and express your exact thoughts and feelings. There may be clashes, but it's natural when two people communicate whom may not be on the same page, but figuring out to do that in a sensible way is when you'll achieve results for the better.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I have to say his attitude of 'He said he's trying to teach me everything he can and he knows I will hate him for it but the lessons are there whether I acknowledge it or not' made me cringe a little. All relationships are different and both parties should be learning how to coexist together, peacefully, working with each other's likes, dislikes and other idiosyncrasies. I don't like his attitude, it sounds like he thinks he knows everything and he's oh-so-calmly and benevolently teaching you how to behave in an adult relationship and when you get upset and cry he sighs and waits patiently for you to calm down again. I dunno, just creeps me out. He sounds a bit controlling.

 

Do you ever get that feeling, OP?

 

On the other hand if you're so upset with the relationship you're regularly just sitting on the phone sobbing unable to speak to him properly I can also see how that would get majorly irritating. You just don't sound that compatible.

 

What's good about this relationship?

[writergal]

OP I don't think you are compatible with your boyfriend. I get the sense that you want him to compliment you all the time, and then cry and get mad when he doesn't do that. That would irritate me if someone constantly acted that clingy and needy with me, because it would make me feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them so as not to upset them. I would breakup with a guy who acted that way with me, especially since I'm 43. There's no way I'd put up with that behavior from an adult man.

 

I think it would help you to do a lot of introspection right now. Try to determine why you feel so clingy and needy with your current boyfriend. Is it due to the long distance or are you like this in every relationship? He is not there with you so he cannot be available to you 24/7. So I think you need to realize this and adjust your expectations with what your boyfriend is capable of giving you from a distance.

 

The crying fits on the phone with your boyfriend need to stop, because it won't accomplish anything and will only build frustration and exasperation in your boyfriend towards you. Instead of crying on the phone, try writing an email to him instead. And you don't necessarily have to send it either. It's just to help you collect your thoughts, so that when you do talk to him about your concerns, you're coherent and thoughtful, not irrational and crying.

 

And, you cannot control your boyfriend, or anyone for that matter to say and do what you want them to do for you all the time. That's the impression I get from your post. That if he doesn't coddle you all the time, reassure you all the time, well that makes you mad. That comes across to me like you are manipulating him emotionally, with your crying fits on the phone. Time to stop doing that. The only person you have control over, is yourself.

 

I agree with your boyfriend that you need to divide your focus off the LDR and on to other things in your life. Do you have friendships, hobbies, work, school?

 

Try to find a balance between your life offline and your life with your LDR boyfriend. But if that's too hard, then I think the LDR route isn't good for you, and you may want to consider dating locally instead. There are too many "what ifs" with long distance dating, and it requires a LOT of trust and compromise. Give and take. Clear communication. Patience. Effort. And it has to be two-sided. One person can't do all the work that's required. Both people have to contribute equally.

Edited November 23, 2014 by writergal

[kjill]

I have to say his attitude of 'He said he's trying to teach me everything he can and he knows I will hate him for it but the lessons are there whether I acknowledge it or not' made me cringe a little. All relationships are different and both parties should be learning how to coexist together, peacefully, working with each other's likes, dislikes and other idiosyncrasies. I don't like his attitude, it sounds like he thinks he knows everything and he's oh-so-calmly and benevolently teaching you how to behave in an adult relationship and when you get upset and cry he sighs and waits patiently for you to calm down again. I dunno, just creeps me out. He sounds a bit controlling.

 

Do you ever get that feeling, OP?

 

On the other hand if you're so upset with the relationship you're regularly just sitting on the phone sobbing unable to speak to him properly I can also see how that would get majorly irritating. You just don't sound that compatible.

 

What's good about this relationship?

 

Yes, I always feel that. He acts like he knows everything especially the fact that he is my first. Things were good until my friend keeps saying negative things about him and that changed my perspective a bit that's why everything he does and doesn't not do, I overanalyze them.

[kjill]

OP I don't think you are compatible with your boyfriend. I get the sense that you want him to compliment you all the time, and then cry and get mad when he doesn't do that. That would irritate me if someone constantly acted that clingy and needy with me, because it would make me feel like I have to walk on eggshells around them so as not to upset them. I would breakup with a guy who acted that way with me, especially since I'm 43. There's no way I'd put up with that behavior from an adult man.

 

I think it would help you to do a lot of introspection right now. Try to determine why you feel so clingy and needy with your current boyfriend. Is it due to the long distance or are you like this in every relationship? He is not there with you so he cannot be available to you 24/7. So I think you need to realize this and adjust your expectations with what your boyfriend is capable of giving you from a distance.

 

The crying fits on the phone with your boyfriend need to stop, because it won't accomplish anything and will only build frustration and exasperation in your boyfriend towards you. Instead of crying on the phone, try writing an email to him instead. And you don't necessarily have to send it either. It's just to help you collect your thoughts, so that when you do talk to him about your concerns, you're coherent and thoughtful, not irrational and crying.

 

And, you cannot control your boyfriend, or anyone for that matter to say and do what you want them to do for you all the time. That's the impression I get from your post. That if he doesn't coddle you all the time, reassure you all the time, well that makes you mad. That comes across to me like you are manipulating him emotionally, with your crying fits on the phone. Time to stop doing that. The only person you have control over, is yourself.

 

I agree with your boyfriend that you need to divide your focus off the LDR and on to other things in your life. Do you have friendships, hobbies, work, school?

 

Try to find a balance between your life offline and your life with your LDR boyfriend. But if that's too hard, then I think the LDR route isn't good for you, and you may want to consider dating locally instead. There are too many "what ifs" with long distance dating, and it requires a LOT of trust and compromise. Give and take. Clear communication. Patience. Effort. And it has to be two-sided. One person can't do all the work that's required. Both people have to contribute equally.

 

The crying only happened once. I wasn't needy. I didn't need much social interaction from anyone. I was a loner. It's not the distance. There was an 8 month ldr (we were not yet official )also before and that was when I was on vacation in another country. I'm back in our home country now but he got a job in a different city. It's just it seems like the transition was fast. I didn't get to enjoy the "honeymoon phase" it's only been 4 months. We've dated 2 years before becoming official. After becoming official, there's the sudden change. He now focus on his work alone. He is my first.

Edited November 23, 2014 by kjill

[kjill]

Yes, I always feel that. He acts like he knows everything especially the fact that he is my first. Things were good until my friend keeps saying negative things about him and that changed my perspective a bit that's why everything he does and doesn't not do, I overanalyze them.

[kjill]

The crying only happened once. I wasn't needy. I didn't need much social interaction from anyone. I was a loner. It's not the distance. There was an 8 month ldr (we were not yet official )also before and that was when I was on vacation in another country. I'm back in our home country now but he got a job in a different city. It's just it seems like the transition was fast. I didn't get to enjoy the "honeymoon phase" it's only been 4 months. We've dated 2 years before becoming official. After becoming official, there's the sudden change. He now focus on his work alone. He is my first.

[mammasita]

Honey, your BF doesn't lower your self esteem.....this is all your own doing. You need to drop the extra baggage (i.e. him) and get yourself to a place where you won't allow anyone to affect your self esteem the way that he is doing. Please work on yourself.

 

When you have a healthy view of self you won't question nor would you allow him to treat you the way he does. He would have been history, especially with his "call me back when you're not annoying me" comments.

[preraph]

It's hard to tell if your BF plays any real part in making the problem worse because as a general rule, someone who criticizes you a lot, well, it's abusive. But on the other hand, you as good as admitted you're a clingy low-self-esteem person and obsessing over everything. It sounds to me like he's just trying to get you to be rational and relax and that you are just constantly living in fear of abandonment. Have you ever had a parent abandon or neglect you? Have you not ever lived on your own supporting yourself? Maybe not because you're college age, but once you're out is the time to get a job, get a cheap apartment by yourself, work and support yourself and do this for at least a year so you can build some self-esteem and get a foundation under you that you are perfectly able to be on your own if you need to be and need not stay in any miserable relationship just to have a relationship. You haven't had much opportunity to have your own achievements yet, and I'm not talking about marriage and kids, but ones you achieve on your own, by yourself. That will help you gain self-worth. You need that and need to stop living as if every day the worst will happen. You need to be able to get up in the morning and say, Even if he got hit by a bus tomorrow, I would be okay on my own and get by just fine.