mentally ill ex boyfriend

[foxinabox]

basically i've known him for a month and a half (met online). he is very religious (islam) and traditional, and was kissless virgin until he met me. we clicked right away and had many long conversations, but i noticed right away that he was really...clingy and that he would get upset (passive aggressively) if i didn't respond fast enough. he'd say things like, "crickets chirping" when waiting for my response. i thought he just had different communication needs. so after meeting him, i thought he was cool. after meeting him a second time, we were talking about marriage and kids, and he was professing his love to me. (he made it clear early on that he wanted marriage and was looking for compatibility.) i was pretty smitten with him at this point and could see him as a good long-term partner. we met up 2 more times after this, but he treated each meeting like a life-altering event, and said i was "the one" and that he was confident about me. i never doubted his commitment and still don't, and i do believe we could've gotten married had i converted and let the relationship keep going.

 

communication was still an issue, because he wanted to talk basically alllllllllll day (no joke), wanted to meet up too often. he was taking up too much of my life, so i had to cut back when life got too busy and stressful. i literally was unable to talk to him as frequently, because talking to him was profoundly hindering my concentration. plus it's really draining having to entertain ONE person all day. he initiated probably 80% of our conversations and gave off an air of being really self-absorbed; i think he just assumed i found his everyday life to be more interesting than my own. needless to say, when i put my foot down about cutting down communication, he whined passive aggressively, although i think he TRIED to understand. i talked to him about the issue probably more than 20 times. nevertheless, he failed at giving me the space i desperately needed, so i got angier and angier. i even threatened to turn off my phone, but i knew he'd freak out if i did that. i felt like he didn't respect me and my needs. anyway, so one night i just lost it, because i have a limit to my patience. i told him in very confrontational and angry terms that i would not put up with him anymore. the next day, he was good until 7 p.m.. so after that things just spiralled, because i was so pissed about not giving me space and other things. some other things that seemed alarming were that:

 

- he wanted to control my credit cards after marriage

- he lied about forgetting his wallet after i offered to buy him lunch?

- he asked me to pay $10 for gas at the end of a date

- he became unhappy when i told him he should buy his own contraception (reasonable, right?)

- he jumped at the opportunity to suggest i pay for female contraception after i brought up the idea of female contraception

- he kept a tally of everything he spent on me and made it seemed like i owed him

- he jumped way too eagerly at every offer i made to pay for something... i could just hear the enthusiasm in his voice and he'd go to lengths to make sure i kept my promise

- he suggested we can get a hotel room and "split the cost"

 

the first red flag was the gas/contraception, then i watched how he talked about money very closely, and the biggest red flag was the credit card. i thought it was reasonable i should be turned off by his attitude. i accused him of being stingy, meaning that he had trouble giving to others, but he said, "oh i spend a lot of money, like on my computer, eating out and applying to schools!". he even tried to guilt me by saying something like, "oh i know you expect me to pay for the majority," even though i'd made it clear i'd be willing to pay for roughly half, although i never thought it necessary to tally everything up like he was doing...

 

so we had some heated conversations a few days ago, and i noticed that GUILT was a big tactic he'd always use. finally, i thought he was going to let me go after he blocked me on everything. the next morning, however, i find FLOWERS OF MY PORCH. i was so creeped out. he kept messaging me that day (30-40 messages) about the flowers and the relationship. i ignored almost everything until it became unbearable, but maintained that i didn't want him to talk to me. his final plea was, "don't you have any mercy... look to God...I'm so vulnerable and have no pride anymore... how can you be so cruel to me...i'm begging... look to your conscience to help you". yes, he actually used the words "beg" and "mercy". it's been a day since i've heard from him. i've been kind of on edge, expecting to hear from him. i could block him, but i'm scared he'll do something weird, like either hurt himself or come hurt me. he was clearly not in a good mental state. people have told me to get a restraining order, but i don't think it's that bad yet.

 

anyway, what should i do? just hope he leaves me alone forever? is there hope he can change? he's really not a bad person otherwise. he is clearly mentally ill. i think he has mild to moderate narcissistic personality disorder.

[thelonewolflegend]

Before i was in a wreck a almost same situation happend with me and a girl i was dating. I was into her and we were good but when she came back from vacation she was like immediately wanted to stop seeing me and for some reason i did similar sent bunch of ahole texts and saying dont u have a heart etc.. I gave her flowers and a cd n she finally said she called cops.

 

Howcome flowers creep out?

And whats narcisstic.persona disorder? And how do u know if have it and hpw to fix?

 

And howcome a guy ends up like that with a girl they like did u just cut him off then ignore him? I told her i was gonna commit suicide etc.. Too she said stop im call cops

[thelonewolflegend]

Should be honest or work things out with guy tell him calm down quit sendinf texts looks creepy and tell them gotta have confidence and have 3 girls a week.

[foxinabox]

Before i was in a wreck a almost same situation happend with me and a girl i was dating. I was into her and we were good but when she came back from vacation she was like immediately wanted to stop seeing me and for some reason i did similar sent bunch of ahole texts and saying dont u have a heart etc.. I gave her flowers and a cd n she finally said she called cops.

 

Howcome flowers creep out?

And whats narcisstic.persona disorder? And how do u know if have it and hpw to fix?

 

And howcome a guy ends up like that with a girl they like did u just cut him off then ignore him? I told her i was gonna commit suicide etc.. Too she said stop im call cops

 

 

lonewolf, why is this creepy? did she make it clear that she didn't want attention from you? probably. if you ignore her requests, then you are disrespecting her wishes and disrespecting her personal boundaries. do you think you're entitled to her or something? also the guilt and manipulation is NOT cool. it also shows that you don't respect her and will use dishonest tactics to get your way.

[thelonewolflegend]

Guys seem do that and get away with it ALL THE TIME hwr ex had 83 partners and had then in a book apparently she said not sure exactly. She wasnt being fully honest to be and i just wanted answers and was tryin make everything ok and she wasnt having it was unreasonable.

[Cedar27]

He does sound like he has some major issues.

 

However, if you think this man might have some potential if he just toned it down about 90%, tell him. Just say flat out that you like him but he's moving too fast, he's being obsessive, you feel uncomfortable and if he wants any chance with you he needs to stop and cut it out. Just hearing that you are still be interested and didn't just dump him may give him a reality check and motivation to behave differently.

 

Or, do you feel that he's already gone too far with the pushiness and obsessive texts? If so, call him and say you aren't interested and to please stop calling you.

 

Just be glad you didn't move in together yet.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think this is beyond being salvageable. For many reasons.

 

If you feel scared of what he might do (and from his actions and behaviour I would feel creeped out too) then you need to start logging every message he sends to you. Every time he gets in touch respond with 'please stop talking to me, I don't want any contact with you anymore'. And if he persists don't be afraid to speak to the police about what steps you can take from here on.

 

Normally I would say it's a bit OTT but if what you're saying is true, he may well have the kinds of warning signs that could lead to some kind of violence (controlling, wants to be in touch 24/7 and gets upset when you're not, extremely full-on from the first date, talking about pinning you down into marriage when you don't even know each other yet) or other upsetting incident. You may be able to get a restraining order out against him so that he cannot contact you any more.

 

Speak to the police and let them be the judge or whether or not it's bad enough for a restraining order yet. Don't worry about him hurting himself, you worrying about that means he still has a hold on you, but it's not your problem and you cannot change or alter him doing or not doing that, whatsoever. But you need to make it clear to him you no longer with to have any contact because I think in the eyes of the law they will see that you're continuing to encourage him. Feel free to contact them for advice on that before you cease contact with him in case it escalates quickly and explain that you're afraid of cutting contact in case it causes him to go nuts and approach you.

 

And in the future for heaven's sake, if a man gets weird with you about you not replying fast enough, block him there and then. He gave you a very clear earning warning sign but you ignored it.

[Omei]

Maybe im cold as hell but if a guy acted like that after a month and a half id leave without any question and I wouldnt give two hoots if he ended up hurting himself, you knew him for a short time let his family deal with anything that might happen.