Pandalee Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 My boyfriend since we have been seeing each other has wanted to spend every single weekend with his friends. It's not that I don't get invited it's that I don't enjoy going out and getting extremely drunk every single weekend. I'm also extremely shy so I don't feel comfortable around these people and I don't want to have to do it every weekend and he always says no when I ask him to hang with my friends. Last night I planned a special night for me and him and he invited his friend and his girlfriend along and didn't understand why I was annoyed. Tonight I said I wasn't going to go and spend every weekend with him and his mates but he can go and now he's angry at me but he doesn't seem to understand that now he has a girlfriend he can't spend every single weekend with his mates, I want to do couple things with him as well. I don't know what to do seeing as we both have different views on relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 This is what we call "INCOMPATIBILITY". You both are not on the same page....the reality is you two are not meant for each other and this won't work. Breakup and find a guy that likes a lot of alone time with you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 he doesn't seem to understand that now he has a girlfriend he can't spend every single weekend with his mates Yes he can, it isn't like you aren't invitied along. You don't seem compatible with him and shouldn't expect him to change just because you can't work up the nerve to go out with his friends. You should consider bringing your friends to these nights out too. I assume you are both fairly young so it isn't uncommon for a guy to want to spend most weekends out with friends drinking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pandalee Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 Yes he can, it isn't like you aren't invitied along. You don't seem compatible with him and shouldn't expect him to change just because you can't work up the nerve to go out with his friends. You should consider bringing your friends to these nights out too. I assume you are both fairly young so it isn't uncommon for a guy to want to spend most weekends out with friends drinking. But he goes to his friends house to drink and gets drunk to the point where he passes out with all his clothes on and that's not fun for me. I've gone every single weekend and I want to spend time doing things like going out together and spending time just us. What's the point in a relationship if you can't spend any time together alone? Or with my friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Coe Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 So much judgement in one post. That's sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Are you sure this guy is your boyfriend? What kind of relationship could you possibly have if you're never alone? He doesn't want to be with you by yourself so he obviously doesn't value you; he doesn't want to spend time with your friends so he doesn't care about things that matter to you; he consistently ignores your requests so he doesn't even care what you think. Why would you even want to date someone who treats you as little more than a guaranteed ride home? This guy is not capable of a relationship. And frankly there is nothing normal or healthy about getting blackout drunk every weekend. I wouldn't tolerate someone getting blackout drunk every month, let alone every week. This guy sees you as side entertainment between hangovers. This is not your boyfriend, this is a pity ride. Don't get me wrong, this guy is a total loser and it's not your fault, but you need to ask yourself how it even got to this point. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 You're not wrong for what you want, but you might find he doesn't agree with you and if that's the case, and you can't stand getting drunk every weekend (and I'm with you on that one) then perhaps you'll have to go your own ways. It might be that he's an alcoholic, or on the road to being one. An addict will put their drug of choice above everything and everyone, which means he'll always choosing the drinking buddies over you if he figures he won't be able to drink to excess iwth you. I'm sorry to say - it might also be that he's not really as into the relationshp as you are, and his way of showing it (not very nicely) is to insist on doing things his own way, with his friends. Maybe he's trying to break up wiht you by making you so fed up you just dump him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pandalee Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 It's not that he isn't into the relationship it's that I'm his first serious girlfriend and I don't think he's used to having to deal with saying no to his mates sometimes. During the week I'll see him after work but he'll be tired and fall asleep within a few hours and it's not quality time, I just want some weekends where we can do couple things. I wouldn't tell him no he can't see his mates, but I want some of the weekend too He showers me with love and affection. He's the type of guy to show up with roses and gifts just randomly, it's just that he always wants to be with his mates both Friday and Saturday night getting extremely drunk which I think is yuck and immature and not a weekly thing. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 He doesn't think it's an either or proposition. He wants you to fit into his world. You don't like that world & don't want to fit in. Unless you can find a middle ground, this relationship is doomed. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 He doesn't feel for you that feeling most people get in a new relationship, where they can't think of anything better than spending time alone together. That feeling at first can be so strong, even hanging out with each other AND friends at the same time can feel like an imposition because it limits the amount of kissing/snuggling/sex/deep talking you can do! It settles down over time and you never lose wanting to see friends, but it does indicate a real deep joy in just spending time alone together. Some of the most intimate times emotionally for me are when my boyfriend and I are just snuggled up on our sofa on a regular weeknight watching a crappy movie together before we head to bed. Sounds like you're just at different levels in this, maybe it's a marker of maturity, or maybe it's a marker of how strongly you feel about one another. Unfortunately, this stuff matters. I spent four years with a guy who I always felt was often choosing his friends over me. Wanting to go out with the guys on a Saturday night as often as possible, but rarely putting in the effort to take me out on a Saturday night dinner date. We just weren't compatible in the end, as I felt second best. You can't change this. It's what both of your heart desires. You want to be with him, and he wants to be with them. You can suck it up and just go along to be with him near his friends but over time, the resentment will build. I love to party too, when I get chance, but I too couldn't handle either physically or financially doing it each and every weekend. And if my boyfriend, or any boyfriend I've ever had, got so drunk that he actually passed out or vomited over himself, well once would be a major concern, again would be a dealbreaker. I don't want somebody so immature they think that's the goal of a night out, who will embarrass me around my friends, who will be a liability, who I have to worry about and who can't handle their substances, it's a recipe for disaster. He sounds very immature, sorry. Sure I used to do this as a teenager... but by the time I was 18 I'd grown out of it and so have most people! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 He's social and you're not. That's fine and you'll find your place, but he isn't it. There's a lot of questions on this board wondering if being asocial will keep someone from finding a gf or bf. The answer is it's very limiting and by nature will make it hard to meet someone. It's not that the right person for you isn't out there who is more like you; it's that because you're both asocial, it's a long shot that you will be social enough to get out there and find each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Man I remember having a relationship when I was young exactly like this. I loved the guy and gave everything to him where as he gave me is scraps of energy after he spent carousing with his friends after getting stone drunk. He was also abusive. My opinions didn't count, my thoughts were not important, at at the end of the day, so long as I gave him what he wanted ( sex) the way he treated me was irrelevant. That relationship there was enough to ruin any chance of a relationship for several years. I ran away from love because the way I treated made me feel not good enough and the fact that I invested so much in a relationship made me feel like investing into love was not worth it. It screwed me up. Until i saw a counselor and was made aware of my feelings, emotions,thoughts and dating patterns, patterns seemed to emerge and I was still attracting players and losers who did not want me or love me. I think I knew deep down that this guy was not right for me. But because I was so in love with him, I was blinded. I think perhaps you know deep down that this kid is not right for you. Maybe your intelligence threatens him, or maybe he's going through a phase he'll grow out of. But you don't have to suffer for his " growing pains". Let him grow up in his own time in his own way. At any rate, this is not behavior you need to tolerate. If you've out-grown him already, then go be with someone who is as mature as you are because clearly you are more mature than he is. And you have every right to want to spend time with your boyfriend, he is your boyfriend for crying out loud. Your not asking for much, just his time, and he can't even effectively give you that. If you stick around this guy that does not show you much respect, You could be the one paying for it later, I know I did. End it, show him that you respect yourself, even if he does not respect you. You deserve better hon. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 This is what we call "INCOMPATIBILITY". You both are not on the same page....the reality is you two are not meant for each other and this won't work. Breakup and find a guy that likes a lot of alone time with you. Yep. He's still in his party stage. It won't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 It's completely understandable for you to want to go on dates alone with him. Most guys with a reasonable level of maturity understand that going out with your girlfriend + other friends doesn't actually count as a date past high school (and even some high schoolers know better). There's nothing wrong with hanging out with friends, but if that constitutes 100% of your outings together, I wouldn't even call it a relationship. Sounds more like FWB. Even the very outgoing/extroverted couples I know take some time off to go on dates by themselves. Given that he has been this way since you got together, though, at least he's being honest and isn't misleading you. You know what this guy is offering, and it was your own choice to accept. Now it will be your choice to continue to accept scraps, or to leave and find someone who actually wants to date you. Which will you choose? Link to post Share on other sites
ktya Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 My boyfriend since we have been seeing each other has wanted to spend every single weekend with his friends. It's not that I don't get invited it's that I don't enjoy going out and getting extremely drunk every single weekend. I'm also extremely shy so I don't feel comfortable around these people and I don't want to have to do it every weekend and he always says no when I ask him to hang with my friends. Last night I planned a special night for me and him and he invited his friend and his girlfriend along and didn't understand why I was annoyed. Tonight I said I wasn't going to go and spend every weekend with him and his mates but he can go and now he's angry at me but he doesn't seem to understand that now he has a girlfriend he can't spend every single weekend with his mates, I want to do couple things with him as well. I don't know what to do seeing as we both have different views on relationships. Im guessing he is in his early 20s. If he bails on his friends understand the peer pressure he will be facing; accusations he's whipped. Him and his buddy have done this forever and he doesnt want to break it. They are probably still all single too so that would make it worse if thats the case. No dude in his right mind is going to deny hanging out with good looking girls. If you have the self confidence try to hook up a weeknight with a bunch of your hottest friends and then line something up for the weekend. If he can brag to the bros that he was hanging out with a boatload of hotties (dont take offense) then they will buy his story and be jealous rather than mocking. It seems counterintuitive but it will work. It will go like this. He agrees to hang out with a few of your friends at home for dinner. Your friends are smoking hot. He will be gaga and you wont smack him for it and you will all have a nice time. Then you will say to him the next day that one of them is having a gathering at her house with some other friends and he will say yes. He will tell the buddies that hes going to some hotties house and the guys will rib him but not too bad. He will go and have a good time and be a great guest and you'll have fun. He will then tell the guys how much fun it was hanging out with a bunch of great looking girls. You will do it all over again - and he will tell the buddies, who will get jealous but leave him alone and not ridicule him for being whipped. Everyone wins; he hangs out with your hottest friends and you get your boyfriend in your shirt pocket. Disclaimer: If you have no hot friends or have a self conscious streak, this will probably end in doom Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Im guessing he is in his early 20s. If he bails on his friends understand the peer pressure he will be facing; accusations he's whipped. Him and his buddy have done this forever and he doesnt want to break it. They are probably still all single too so that would make it worse if thats the case. No dude in his right mind is going to deny hanging out with good looking girls. If you have the self confidence try to hook up a weeknight with a bunch of your hottest friends and then line something up for the weekend. If he can brag to the bros that he was hanging out with a boatload of hotties (dont take offense) then they will buy his story and be jealous rather than mocking. It seems counterintuitive but it will work. It will go like this. He agrees to hang out with a few of your friends at home for dinner. Your friends are smoking hot. He will be gaga and you wont smack him for it and you will all have a nice time. Then you will say to him the next day that one of them is having a gathering at her house with some other friends and he will say yes. He will tell the buddies that hes going to some hotties house and the guys will rib him but not too bad. He will go and have a good time and be a great guest and you'll have fun. He will then tell the guys how much fun it was hanging out with a bunch of great looking girls. You will do it all over again - and he will tell the buddies, who will get jealous but leave him alone and not ridicule him for being whipped. Everyone wins; he hangs out with your hottest friends and you get your boyfriend in your shirt pocket. Disclaimer: If you have no hot friends or have a self conscious streak, this will probably end in doom Terrible advice. Don't do as this person says. But I agree, if his friends are single then he's probably listening to the advice of his single friends that are threatened that his buddy is having sex and having fun with a girl that they can't get. That's why they bring out the whole "whipped" threat. It's crap. And it's even worse that your boyfriend is taking their advice. In ten years time, those single friends will probably be married and have children of their own, I doubt they will advising their friends to avoid getting whipped then. They are going through an immature phase, don't hang around to suffer for it. You deserve better, even now. Believe you deserve better and you will do better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 I think you're just not compatible. He wants to go out and party every weekend, you don't. You want to be spend quality alone time together, and he doesn't place the same importance on that as you do. There's not a lot to work with here. You're not on the same page and have quite different expectations. If you've talked to him about it and nothing has changed, it doesn't sound promising. Unfortunately, you can't make someone value you or your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Im guessing he is in his early 20s. If he bails on his friends understand the peer pressure he will be facing; accusations he's whipped. Him and his buddy have done this forever and he doesnt want to break it. They are probably still all single too so that would make it worse if thats the case. No dude in his right mind is going to deny hanging out with good looking girls. If you have the self confidence try to hook up a weeknight with a bunch of your hottest friends and then line something up for the weekend. If he can brag to the bros that he was hanging out with a boatload of hotties (dont take offense) then they will buy his story and be jealous rather than mocking. It seems counterintuitive but it will work. It will go like this. He agrees to hang out with a few of your friends at home for dinner. Your friends are smoking hot. He will be gaga and you wont smack him for it and you will all have a nice time. Then you will say to him the next day that one of them is having a gathering at her house with some other friends and he will say yes. He will tell the buddies that hes going to some hotties house and the guys will rib him but not too bad. He will go and have a good time and be a great guest and you'll have fun. He will then tell the guys how much fun it was hanging out with a bunch of great looking girls. You will do it all over again - and he will tell the buddies, who will get jealous but leave him alone and not ridicule him for being whipped. Everyone wins; he hangs out with your hottest friends and you get your boyfriend in your shirt pocket. Disclaimer: If you have no hot friends or have a self conscious streak, this will probably end in doom Wow, what a boatload of mindgames to have to play to just be able to date her boyfriend, like normal couples do! I must say it was an interesting read, though. OP, seriously, there are boys who WANT to date you without you having to do all this crap. Yes, even in your early 20s. And as long as you stay with this guy, you'll never have the chance to do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 #1: Let me guess, he's younger than 25. #2: Have you tried... telling him how you feel? You know... using communication? You might have said "something" to him, but it's all in the context of HOW it was said which might have made him angry. #3: If you two have different views on relationships, exit now. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 It's not what the OP wants to hear folks, she wants to know how to change his behavior and treat it like a real relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pandalee Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 I spend all of my weekends with my boyfriends friends which is already annoying, but tonight we were meant to have a few quiet drinks with my best friend, her cousin and his girlfriend. Today while I was at his house I saw over his shoulder that he was inviting all his mates to this which will end up making it a big night which I don't want to have. I'm irritated because he hasn't even mentioned it to me yet and I already told him it was just going to be us 5 there because it's a catch up. I don't see why he always has to bring his friends when we hang out with mine. He doesn't spend any quality time with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) ***Moderators note*** The threads have been merged into one You have made another thread about this already, which you did not come back to: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/502860-boyfriend-always-wants-friends Have you read the responses there? Edited December 13, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) You know I really hate people who leave their friends out just because they got a girlfriend You should be more accepting to your boyfriend's friends because you don't own him and he had these friends before he even know you. However, if he doesn't ever go out alone with you then you have right to be annoyed about this. Anyway, if you two ever get married, you will have him for yourself forever. But I read in your other post that he gets drunk and pass out all the time.. Wow, this is so strange, how can you stay with someone like that. Edited December 13, 2014 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Agree with Elswyth: you got a load of advice on your other thread, have you read any of it? It's all applicable to the situation you're in now. It's pretty simple. You tell him 'I would like to spend more time just the two of us, and for us to run it past each other when we're thinking of inviting friends out with us, what are your thoughts on that?' Then you wait and see what he does. When he decides to bring friends out with him against your wishes, when you had a two person date planned, you don't go. Tell him 'I told you I wanted us to be on the same page when it come to inviting friends out with us and you've ignored my wishes, I'm going to do something else'. If he is actually into you, rather than into having a girlfriend tag along for the arm candy on his arm on nights out, then he'll start making an effort to please you and give you what you need in this relationship too. I'm sure you're not asking him to stop seeing friends, just that you need some time alone together too. When I first started dating my boyfriend he'd invite me out to hang with him and his friends, within the first few dates. I always politely declined, I wasn't sure whether he saw me as a date or a potential friend based on this and I didn't fancy the idea of spending the night with him and a bunch of new people, all the while having no idea what 'we' are when friends ask the awkward questions. He got the message and asked me out on one on one dates, and it wasn't until we'd got together officially we started to meet one another's friends. My feelings were, if you want to date me, you need to make the effort to invite me out for a proper date, I'm not going to just show up to a night out with your friends feeling like a third arm. A coffee was perfectly acceptable as a 'date', the point is I wanted to see if he was interested in spending time getting to know just me or whether he just didn't mind me tagging along to something he was already doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
most_distant_galaxy Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) It has happened to me before, when I dated a very extroverted man. I personally didn't mind that we were hanging out with friends a lot, because after hanging out we had alone time as well, either continuing to a more romantic place or going home together. We also had many intimate dates together. Maybe your difference is that he seems extroverted and you seem introverted. Talk it out, explain to him without being judgemental, and make agreements about the days of the week you invite your friends only, he invites his friends only, you mix your friends, or it's just the two of you. Edited December 13, 2014 by most_distant_galaxy addition Link to post Share on other sites
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