walkingonair Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 I've been dating this guy for 5 months and we only saw eachother once this month. I feel like he kept making excuses why he can't hangout.And he has been making excuses in the past too.He doesn't even go out with other girls when he doesn't hangout with me,he either stays home or hangsout with his guy friends and I feel like he's sorta scared to hangout with me because to him it means a committed relationship.He initiates contact everyday but when it comes time to hangout he flakes or makes an excuses and I'm soooo confused! He's only free on weekends cause he works all week/all day. The first excuse was he was too tired to hangout. I kept inviting him to hang and he would say he's tired. This weekend he's going to visit a friend who is visiting and is a few hours away from where we live. The friend is a close friend of his that he hasn't seen in about a year and she's married and he's friends with her husband too. I'm not worried they will hook up or w. e cause he knows how to be friends with girls and he has a lot of friends. But I feel so upset because he only saw me once this month and he doesn't have to travel to see his friend he chose too. Plus he's visiting his hometown next week and he could see her there too cause she's gonna be back home. Is it wrong that I'm upset? it just really hurts how I'm getting no attention and I always gave him attention and this past week I've been getting distant because I'm really afraid to get hurt and he suddenly starts contacting me more..I feel like when I completely distance myself he starts to contact more and gives me attention and I hate this because I;m a very giving and loving person and I have to pretend to be distant cause I'm afraid to get hurt He also broke up with me once in the past because I wanted him to meet my parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Jules Dash Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 He could be a commitment phobe or not into you as much as you would like. The best way to decipher this is to look into his past relationship pattern. Is it one that is consistent with commitment phobia? How old is he? Has he ever been married? Has he ever lived with anyone and for how long? What is his longest relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 He could be a commitment phobe or not into you as much as you would like. The best way to decipher this is to look into his past relationship pattern. Is it one that is consistent with commitment phobia? How old is he? Has he ever been married? Has he ever lived with anyone and for how long? What is his longest relationship? 30.Never married.Dated a girl for six years(longest and first real relationship) she left him cause he didn't give her much attention.He was really heart broken when she left him.After that he only did short term dating,nothing long term. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Me thinks he has more fun with his friends than you. Why do you put up with it instead of moving on to someone who wants to spend time with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 22, 2014 Author Share Posted November 22, 2014 Me thinks he has more fun with his friends than you. Why do you put up with it instead of moving on to someone who wants to spend time with you? We have alot of fun when we hangout it's usually him not wanting to spend time with me or he just acts distant and boring.I just keep feeling he's pushing me away and doesn't even try to do things with me or have fun with me.With friends he feels good cause it's all casual but with me he knows that it will lead to a committed relationship and that's what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 You need to talk to him to see where his head is at. If you're upset that you only got to see him once this whole month and miss him you need to tell him that too. He's not a mind reader anymore than any of us are. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 You have to move on. Seeing your boyfriend once a month is not a relationship. It doesn't matter if he's a commitmentphone or not, he's not relationship material, at least not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 I was talking to a guy a while ago who was just like this. He had no problem initiating texts daily, flirting, making comments like "we should get together" "I want to see you", calling me and talking to me on the phone for HOURS, yet when it came down to actually getting together? Forget it. In three months I think I saw him four times, five TOPS. He always had excuses of why he couldn't get together. He was tired from work, he didn't want to sit in traffic to come to me, he was doing work for his family, he was just going to stay in with his brother, he had plans with friends. It was actually ridiculous and I finally told him, listen, if you're not going to make the effort to see me, then enough with the texting and calls, just stop because you're leading me on. When I expressed interest in seeing him more and asked him what the hell was going on and what he wanted from me, he shut down. He went silent once for two weeks, and then he came sniffing back around. Eventually he just straight up told me he didn't want a relationship at all, he just wanted to be single, and he was flirting with me because "it was fun" and he spoke to me all the time because we had great conversations. He never had any intention of dating me for real, and he made that obvious by the way he never got together with me. I cut all contact completely. I never initiated another text again, however he routinely checks in. I actually call him my "moon" because he's constantly orbiting me. He'll reach out to talk and he'll shoot me a text, and make some back handed comment about him wanting to see me, and I respond, "oh OK." And that's the end of that for a week or two before he orbits again. Not sure if it's commitment phobia, or just straight up not wanting to be in a relationship, either way, WASTE. OF. TIME. Next. (Also: per your post, it's super obvious he has no intention of actually progressing whatever this is. You're a time filler. Something to occupy his time when he's bored. He doesn't want to meet your parents, or commit to you.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Some of these guys have no sex drive beyond porn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blakely Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 why can't he invite you over to his place to watch movies or hangout? Link to post Share on other sites
Blakely Posted November 22, 2014 Share Posted November 22, 2014 Oh, well, if he straight up told you he does not want a relationship, don't expect much more then a text buddy. Who has time for that? Go find you a man who wants to do interesting things together and treat you like a lady. He sounds like he's 17. 18. how old is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 I'm currently dating one and it's hell....How do they act?do they make excuses not to hangout and limit their time with you ?do they want you more when you're distant? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 All of the above. Hot and cold. Rubberbanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Probably be quicker to ask if anyone here hasn't dated a commitmentphobe! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 (edited) then it is time to see him as a booty call, very good friends, it might even buck him up, no more looking upset which he can prolly see in your face, no more waiting for calls or love, embark on a better month, make plans, somebody into committment will come along, he sounds like a drag atmo Edited November 25, 2014 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 All of the above. Hot and cold. Rubberbanding. Yes:(Mine initiates contact with me everyday but when its time to hangout he flakes or he makes an excuse or goes to hangout with guy friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 then it is time to see him as a booty call, very good friends, it might even buck him up, no more looking upset which he can prolly see in your face, no more waiting for calls or love, embark on a better month, make plans, somebody into committment will come along, he sounds like a drag atmo Thank you so much darkmoon.The weird thing is last week I completely stopped initiating contacting and liking his fb posts and suddenly he's initiating contact with me everyday. I hate how its all about him.When he wants to talk he talks but when I wanted to talk to him he didn't really show much interest until I backed away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Yes:(Mine initiates contact with me everyday but when its time to hangout he flakes or he makes an excuse or goes to hangout with guy friends. He's seen you once this past month. He's broken up with you in the 5 months you have been dating. What are you doing? This isn't going to work. Regardless of whether he is phobic or not, you're not going anywhere in terms of a committed, healthy and happy relationship. My ex was supposedly phobic, I thought. He made contact everyday but was always busy with the gym, work, chores, friends, etc. Never made time to see me. Contact means nothing. It's their way of keeping you where they want you -- close enough to have you, far enough to keep it from progressing. When you step away, they rope you back in by increasing contact. When you get too close, they back off again. You need to move on from this guy. It doesn't get any better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 He's seen you once this past month. He's broken up with you in the 5 months you have been dating. What are you doing? This isn't going to work. Regardless of whether he is phobic or not, you're not going anywhere in terms of a committed, healthy and happy relationship. My ex was supposedly phobic, I thought. He made contact everyday but was always busy with the gym, work, chores, friends, etc. Never made time to see me. Contact means nothing. It's their way of keeping you where they want you -- close enough to have you, far enough to keep it from progressing. When you step away, they rope you back in by increasing contact. When you get too close, they back off again. You need to move on from this guy. It doesn't get any better. Thank you for your feedback!You're right...yes mine also makes no time for me.I guess they just want to know that you're there for them? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thank you for your feedback!You're right...yes mine also makes no time for me.I guess they just want to know that you're there for them? Yes, they want you there on their terms. Phobic or not very invested in you -- regardless, if you are looking for a partner that is invested and wants to progress with you, this is not the guy. And no, you can't change him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I have been with my fair share. One was just crazy. After nine months of mostly happiness he started to get weird and give me attitude. He had a horrible habit of ruining holidays and occasions because he wanted to be the center of attention at all times. He accused me of not inviting him places and I said I did and he said he didn't want to go. He demanded to know why I hadn't called him, I said I had and left a voice mail and he checked his phone and sure enough it was there and I told him whatever he was accusing of not telling him. Always a reason, always an excuse why something could not be done, and he was always wrong about it. I think he wanted everything to be all about him when it wasn't, or on his terms. Needless to say, we are not together anymore and we don't speak either. F*** him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysPuzzled Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 Thank you so much darkmoon.The weird thing is last week I completely stopped initiating contacting and liking his fb posts and suddenly he's initiating contact with me everyday. I hate how its all about him.When he wants to talk he talks but when I wanted to talk to him he didn't really show much interest until I backed away. How long did it take after you stopped initiating contact before he started to initiate? Previous to that, did you initiate ALL the contact, or most, or was it about equal? I'm going through something similar. He initiated most contact when we got together, things ended, and then when we reconnected, I had to initiate ALL contact myself. It bothered me so much that I ended it again. Now neither one of us are reaching out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 It was crap, I felt so unloved. He always prioritised video games and seeing his friends over me. I just felt worthless a lot of the time and like I was being clingy or suffocating him for wanting to spend the day with him on a Sunday if we'd slept over the night before. He was so resistant to any form of commitment at all. After four years we finally moved in, after I'd been mentioning it for about two and a half years. Turns out that I suddenly realised the ship had sailed for me. I was past getting excited about it anymore. I realised I had been an idiot, and while he was finally 'ready' to do it, I realised I didn't want it anymore. I want somebody who's excited to take that step with me when it feels right, not somebody who drags their feet for literally years. We split the same day I moved in because I realised that he was never going to mature and I was wasting my time and that I was worth somebody excited to share more than one sleepover a week with their partner after literally years. My present boyfriend for example, only been together since January but were sleeping over almost every night by month two or three and moved in officially after month six, signing a year's lease. Some might say it's crazy and too soon, but we knew of each other for years beforehand and had mutual friends so in that sense I could vouch for him (wouldn't have gone as fast with a total stranger) and well, it just felt right. And after wasting years on somebody who kept me at arm's length for so long I can't tell you how incredible and refreshing it feels to be with somebody who's just as into being with me as I am then. I still kinda feel a bit suspicious and pinch myself wondering if he can really handle spending every night together, which is a sign I think of what being with my ex did to me. I second guess that he might be worrying it's going too fast when he's the one that suggested living together and was the one making all the plans at the start and initiating staying over so much. I think my ex turned me into a bit of a commitment phobe myself, not because I can't do it but because I'm so fearful of it because I worry about a negative outcome, i.e. the guy freaking out and massive arguments. I don't hate the guy and hope he's happy now, but I'm soooo much happier these days in my relationship, even if this ends I know that it's possible to meet somebody who's on the same page, can't wait to be with you and puts you above the other stuff in their life when necessary. Just like I would do for somebody I'm in love with (within reason!). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I'm currently dating one and it's hell....How do they act?do they make excuses not to hangout and limit their time with you ?do they want you more when you're distant? Why do you keep making threads about this guy? You've gotten a lot of good insight from past threads. Are you hoping one of us is eventually going to say that their commitment phobe person settled down with us and we lived happily ever after? It doesn't happen. And honestly, "commitment phobe" is a very loose term thrown around fairly often. Reality? Commitment phobia does not exist. When someone meets a person who blows their socks right off and they realize their life will never be the same without them? They date them, they become invested in relationships with them. End of story. What you're going through is his fear of settling. He knows you're not the one for him. But you're fine for right now. Easy, fun, convenient. But in no way long term potential. Drop it and move on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author walkingonair Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 So the guy im seeing who broke up with me then i took him back wrote on some website that me and him dated but we still hangout.He doesnt know that i saw this but i know his.username on that site and i can see what he writes.If he doesnt consider us dating,why does he initiate contact with me everyday and makes plans to see me.why is he doing this?He writes to me first everyday ....i dont get it.I know hes a commitmentphobe ,maybe hes in denial? Link to post Share on other sites
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