BF still attached to ex wife

[eseea]

Hi everybody,

 

I have been reading you for a while now and I need your advice.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we get along well, he is very sweet and caring, i really had hopes that this relationship will turn out great. He is in constant contact with me, he cares about what is going on in my life, he makes plans to go out and go on vacations. I have no complaints about this.

 

The problem that seems to reappear is his ex-wife. They have divorced last year, following a marriage of 1.5 years during which they constantly argued, she had an affair and after the divorce she remained with that guy.

 

When we met he told me about his wife and how she was treating him bad, how he constantly tried to fix things, etc. He spent a lot of money for the wedding, vacations abroad, an apartment - which he paid for but he left it to her when they divorced. She had a daughter from a previous relationship and he was/is very attached to the little girl.

 

I didnt know he was still attached to them until we went on our first vacation together and she texted him. I asked him why is she texting him since she clearly did not want to be with him and she is living with another man. He became very defensive and we ended up having a fight for a stupid reason.

Since then he has told me that he wants to keep in touch with her because he wants to know that the little girl is doing ok. He has visited the girl twice. He feels responsible somehow for this little girl.

 

He is not offering any info about his current relationship with his ex but when i ask he has a very explosive reaction, even though i never accused him of anything, i just wanted to know what is going on.

 

Recently he told me again details of his marriage and how bad she treated him and he saw this and still insisted to be with her. How he agreed that she is a crappy person, but he does not think she used him for the money, he thinks she was not strong enough to end the relationship ( but she was strong enought to have the affair). He keeps finding excuses for her.

 

Then he said again that he wants to know everything is ok with them. He needs to know the girl is ok, what happens if her mom does not get along with any man ( because she;s a crappy person, no one would stay with her - he said this). So i asked: what if something is wrong? what can you do then? He started yelling at me and again had a very explosive reaction. I always try to stay calm and speak rationally during these arguments, so he eventually said: i cant do anything, it is her life. And this was the end of the discussion.

 

The following day the comments regarding the girl [what happens if her mom does not get along with any man ( because she;s a crappy person, no one would stay with her - he said this)] were just hanging somewhere in my head and i just thought maybe he said these things because his ex broke up with her bf. So I told him that i thought that maybe this was the reason for these comments, is it true? The reaction was: i am done discussing my past with you, you always ask and ask and ask, and I am tired and i want to break up.

So he was basically ready to break up with me just because i asked a question. And normally, if his ex is or is not in a relationshio should not affect us.

I said ok, if you are willing to throw everything to the trash so easily, so be it, i will not fight this. Especially since you are not treating me with respect, you are not transparent about the relationship with this woman and your reactions are always out of proportions.

After this i went on facebook and confirmed that his ex was no longer in a relationship with that guy and the guy had already posted photos of another woman, people were congratulating them. So i was right.

 

He called me and yelled at me that i dont understand anything, that he needs to know the girl is ok, that i am against it, that i am a control freak that needs to know everything, that he does not have anything going on with that woman and he does not want to be with me anymore. I have never accused him of anything, i had just asked him to be very open and straight forward about his relationship with his ex, in order to prevent any future arguments about this. Needless to say, he continued to be silent about this.

 

I didnt argue with him, i just said that i would send him an email later because i am at work and cannot talk. So i did: i wrote to him what i think about the good in our relationship and the bad - which is the relationship with his ex, more specifically his insistance to keep it and hide from me what is going on - which is the only reason we have ever fought about.

 

After a few hours he said that i am right, that he needs to treat me with more respect and he will tell me more about what he is doing with his ex, for me to understand that i dont need to be concerned about this relationship. Thank he wants to be with me. And he seemed to push everything away and act like nothing happened.

 

I still think something is not right about his reactions. It is not normal to break a relationship in 2 minutes just because the other person has asked a question, whatever the question. I cannot understand how does he claim that he wants to be with me and the relationship is very important and yet he is willing to throw it all away immediately.

 

Any advice would be very appreciated. Thank you.

[PegNosePete]

I still think something is not right about his reactions.

I fully agree with you. You've acted calmly and rationally but he has reacted aggressively, irrationally and suspiciously. I would say there is definitely more than meets the eye here, especially if he's prepared to throw everything away over this rather than discuss it like a mature adult human being. He doesn't want to be honest so he gets angry to deflect the subject.

 

You've been with him 8 months - they broke up last year. Seems like you're the rebound, sorry to say. He clearly still has feelings for his ex, and is using the little girl as an excuse to stay in contact.

[eseea]

I have been thinking about this as well: I might be the rebound.

He decided to divorce her in august2013 and the divorce became final in november. I had the feeling he was forced to make this decision because of the cheating, because until then he had accepted her crappy behaviour and tried everything to keep the relationship going ( gifts, vacations). He even left her the apartment which he had bought ( she has not worked at all during the relationship and has not worked since, she has always had men to pay for her) so that the little girl could leave in the city and not return to her grandparents' house.

 

In this situation, if there anything that i can do? I dont want to throw the towel yet.

 

What i am worried about is that the ex will try to strenghten the relationship now that she has no one to pay for her. My fear is that if he will start to support her ( she will use the child to ensure this), then the relationship will become permanent, she will give him more updates re the child, he will feel even more responsible for the child, etc.

[PegNosePete]

He's made it pretty clear that his continuing contact with his ex is non-negotiable. You've tried to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel, and he's dismissed your feelings. So really you have 2 options:

 

a) Accept it and carry on

b) Leave him

 

Personally I'd go with b. This much drama so soon is not a good sign for the future of your relationship. This can only get worse.

[d0nnivain]

You are his rebound relationship. He was never ready to date when you two started up. He's a good guy in many respects, attentive etc., but you are 2nd fiddle to her in his heart.

[whatcanitellyou]

You're wasting your time with this guy. He's not done with his ex, you're clearly a rebound, and his ex wouldn't be contacting him if she was done. She's keeping him on the hook in case her guy doesn't work out. You're sex and company in the mean time, and his getting nasty with you when you ask tells me he's not that great of a guy. You can do better.

[eseea]

You are his rebound relationship. He was never ready to date when you two started up. He's a good guy in many respects, attentive etc., but you are 2nd fiddle to her in his heart.

 

If i would know this for sure, i would give up immediately. But how can I?

 

He has made all the efforts to date me, he is interested in everything i do, calls and texts every day, we had 2 vacations together and he has planned one more in december. He has unfriended her on FB months ago.

 

On the other hand I know he is talking to her, he says one text every 2 weeks or smth. He has visited the child twice in 8 months. She was/is very keen on keeping this "friendship", even when she was in a relationship with the other guy she did not stop the texts.

[d0nnivain]

If i would know this for sure, i would give up immediately. But how can I?

 

He has made all the efforts to date me, he is interested in everything i do, calls and texts every day, we had 2 vacations together and he has planned one more in december. He has unfriended her on FB months ago.

 

On the other hand I know he is talking to her, he says one text every 2 weeks or smth. He has visited the child twice in 8 months. She was/is very keen on keeping this "friendship", even when she was in a relationship with the other guy she did not stop the texts.

 

You know for sure by re-reading the above. Yes, he's a good BF in the sense that he calls, vacations etc. But he is continually picking her over you every time he calls or gets in touch. It's lovely that he wants a relationship with the child but she's not even his.

[KatZee]

Having some semblance of a relationship doesn't mean you're not a rebound. He was with her for years, married, divorced and heavily invested in her little girl.

 

Think rationally. Do you think he would be over that in 4 months? Of course not.

 

I was the rebound of my last ex. I tried to deny it, I ignored red flags of him being in contact with her, I didn't want to throw in the towel, I thought he was a good guy. At the end of the day I was nothing but a rebound.

 

Deleting her from Facebook means what? It means nothing. He still has a number of avenues to see her and speak to her, neither of which he is ending.

 

He's trying to flip his disrespectful behavior on you by calling you "controlling" and that you have no idea what you're talking about and this and that. His reactions are way over the top.

 

In my case, my ex wound up cheating on me with his ex. I was devastated, but really, I was not even a little bit shocked.

[eseea]

Truth be told, i would say the same things if i would read this story on the forum. But it is hard to be objective when you are the one involved.

 

I 'm guessing now that she is single again this rebound thing should clear up pretty soon, dont you think so? If he really wants to be with her now is the perfect time. Also for her, since she has lost her sugar daddy it is only a question of time before she asks for money.

 

I am having a hard time making a decision: wait to see what happens or just give up.

[PegNosePete]

If he really wants to be with her now is the perfect time.

It's the perfect time for him to have an affair with her and hide it from you, yes. He's perfectly laid the groundwork for his future reaction. The minute you go sniffing around or asking why he's texting her, he can simply get angry again and he knows you'll accept that.

[eseea]

I dont know what to believe anymore. Just 3 days ago everything was good and we were making plans for the future.

So, what am i supposed to do? Disappear? Tell him to go back to his ex because i give up? Make it easy for him to go back? Damn it, i have never been in this situation before.

[Yookie]

I dont know what to believe anymore. Just 3 days ago everything was good and we were making plans for the future.

So, what am i supposed to do? Disappear? Tell him to go back to his ex because i give up? Make it easy for him to go back? Damn it, i have never been in this situation before.

 

Yes make it easy for him to go back. He's lying to himself about what he wants from his ex so at this point there is no way he can be honest with you.

[smackie9]

It's a no brainer, he isn't emotionally ready for a relationship. The red flag here is, is that he was the one that desperately tried to fix their marriage. He still wants to. Time to walk away from this one.

[Ruby Slippers]

If your boyfriend were over his divorce and ready to love again, he'd never let you feel second to her. He's simply not ready to love again. I've read on this forum that it takes a divorced person at least 1-2 years to be ready to love again, and it makes sense.

 

If I were you, I would break it off and get on with my life. Maybe in the future when he's ready you'll have another chance with him. But with him in this state, things aren't going to change.

[elaine567]

Normal upset reaction -

i am done discussing my past with you, you always ask and ask and ask, and I am tired

 

Abnormal upset reaction -

i am done discussing my past with you, you always ask and ask and ask, and I am tired and i want to break up.

 

Normal freaking out -

He called me and yelled at me that i dont understand anything, that he needs to know the girl is ok, that i am against it, that i am a control freak that needs to know everything, that he does not have anything going on with that woman

 

Abnormal freaking out -

He called me and yelled at me that i dont understand anything, that he needs to know the girl is ok, that i am against it, that i am a control freak that needs to know everything, that he does not have anything going on with that woman and he does not want to be with me anymore

 

I have no idea how much this woman means to him, but there is some sort of trigger here, whenever you speak about her. It has only been a year and I doubt that is enough time for him to sort out his feelings. He was the betrayed party and he may indeed have a huge bond with the child too, so I guess he was very hurt. You have been a distraction, and I am sure he meant all those future plans with you at the time. However, now his ex is available, her status has changed and that will have raked up a lot of emotion on his part.

You "snooping" made him annoyed and angry, I get that, but immediately saying you should break up TWICE sounds a bit more serious to me, than what you did justifies. It may or may not be that he wants to get back with his ex, but the fact he gets so upset over her, is not good news for you.

I know he has calmed it all down after you wrote the email, but I would guess it may be what he really wants, sorry!

[eseea]

Well, this is what i am feeling too. We have texted a lot today, told me that he missed me and he's sorry we argued, that he is sure we wont have the same problem, we talked about the city we're supposed to visit in several week ( plane tickets have been bought). It was all meant to reassure me, but things still feel off.

[FitChick]

He'll string you along the way his ex is stringing him along.

[PogoStick]

I'm willing to make the counter argument of everyone else here. We are only hearing one side of the story. We don't know enough to understand what he's really feeling. The others could be right, but they could be totally wrong.

 

Maybe it's YOU that needs to get over his ex. Maybe there is truth when he said you nag him with constant questioning and that it is frustrating that you are so needy on the issue.

 

The others are crazy saying he puts the ex first. You're the one he's taking on multiple vacations, spending time with you, putting his emotional investment in you, making plans for your future together. A couple texts or phone calls means more than all of that?

 

I'm shocked how people on LS are always on the "dump him" parade. They believe in either be perfect or run away. There isn't a single relationship that works like that. If he's a pretty good guy (sounds like it to me), why wouldn't you put in effort to work through the rough spots?

 

Everyone here is just speculating. The only person who really knows what is going on is you.

[eseea]

Thank you all for your opinions.

 

I think there is truth in both sides of the story. I wouldn't say I nagged him about his ex, but i did tell him that i do not understand why he keeps in touch with her, what kind of "friendship" is this. If someone treats you like crap repeatedly and proves to you over and over again that is not a reliabile, loving partner, you do not keep in touch. He said it's because of the girl. He also said that he gets so upset when i ask because his ex used to do the same thing: ask about his ex gf with whom he kept in touch. She would constantly accuse him he was doing smth and they would constantly argue about it ( i have not accused him of anything). From what i have seen, he is comparing me with her and seems to assume that if she did smth, i do it too.

 

What he says might or might not be true, i have no way of knowing for sure. I am trying to accept that i might be a rebound and he's just stringing me along until he's sure he can get her back. I am trying to pay more attention to his behaviour. So far he has behaved as usual, the texts and calls are frequent, he continues to discuss the future and make plans.

 

However, even if it turns out that he is telling the truth and he is interested ONLY in the wellbeing of the little girl, I will still have a problem that i don't know how to manage. I mean, she is not his child and keeping in touch with the girl means keeping in touch with the mother. I don't know if i can put up with this. What am i to do? if i don't want to leave him and i don't want to ignore it, is there any other solution?

[PogoStick]

Sure you need to find out if you're a rebound but it's sad that everyone jumps to that conclusion. That you have to discover on your own.

 

One question to ask yourself is why are you so bothered by this woman? Jealousy? Do you feel she threatens your relationship? It's important that you understand the nature of that. What has she done to wrong you and cause such negative feelings? I'm guessing not much, she's simply the ex. Would you feel bothered by their communication if you knew 100% that he would never leave you for her?

 

Communication is the most important skill in a relationship. That is what needs to be practiced; being able to discuss important topics with cool heads, no accusations, no blowing things out of proportion.

 

Then you need to set the tone, the precedent for conversation. Tell him that calm, honest, open communication is a must for you to be in a relationship. You both deserve to express your feelings and concerns without the conversation blowing up. All you're doing is expressing feelings, not directing blame, or determining solutions. All you want out of the conversation is for both of you to hear each other.

 

You can express what you feel when he talks with her, and why you feel that way. Maybe you are scared because you've been cheated on before, or your dad left the family when you were little and you are afraid of being abandoned again. There is no blame, no demands, just facts. You may find that he figures out the solution on his own once he understands your side.

 

Then expect him to do the same. Why does he want to keep in touch? Not just for the girl, buy WHY is it important to him to be the one who cares for the little girl? Is it about keeping the ex in his life or is he just a compassionate man? Caring for a vulnerable young girl seems like a positive quality to me. Maybe when you understand his feelings and reasons you won't feel so threatened by the ex.

[GoBlue]

However, even if it turns out that he is telling the truth and he is interested ONLY in the wellbeing of the little girl, I will still have a problem that i don't know how to manage. I mean, she is not his child and keeping in touch with the girl means keeping in touch with the mother. I don't know if i can put up with this. What am i to do? if i don't want to leave him and i don't want to ignore it, is there any other solution?

 

This is a dilemma indeed. I do agree with PogoStick that most of the posts have been nothing but conjecture and that it is very difficult to gauge his true motives and why he reacts so strongly. I also agree that his reactions are out of proportion and that disrespectful behavior and communication never promotes intimacy but just hinders it. I am concerned, however, over your stance about his desire to remain a part of this little girl's life. "She's not even his" seems to be a very shortsighted response. Seriously? I mean how would that impact families that adopt, big brothers/sisters who invest in lives of kids all over this country, or to anyone who cares about the welfare of a child no matter how they met? The fact that she is not his supposedly means that he should just stop caring and stop communicating with her just because that will put him in contact with her mother? How could a child understand something like that?

 

The truth is that there are definite "red flags" in this relationship. I have been divorced for five years and I am not over it yet (although we were married for 16 years not 1.5). Your concern about him having contact with her is understandable, but these are the things that have to be navigated when entering into a relationship with a divorced person (especially a newly divorced person). They are not insurmountable, however, as long as the two of you are open and honest with one another and clear about your expectations. Some counseling help wouldn't hurt either.

 

I hope this is a help. Relationships are messy but well worth the energy and commitment. Protecting your heart and moving along slowly is always better than simply rushing in. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[smackie9]

He is going to tell you what you want to hear no matter what you ask of him. So if you want to stay, you are just going to have to let it go.

[PogoStick]

Great post GoBlue

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Divorces are quite harder to part from as there is more financial and emotional consequences. It's a binding contract, and once that contract has terminated, recovery can be hard.

 

If I'm dating a divorcee, I make sure that he has been divorced from his ex wife for a long period of time. Perhaps 4-5 years or more. Then he has had the time to do things he wanted to do, get to know himself, re-establish relationships with children and loved ones and establish a self identity. My friend remarried after 7 years of being single. He is happier and more determined to make marriage number 2 work. He has learnt the lessons from marriage number one and has spent adequate time by himself to know exactly who he is and what he wants. Plus after being single for such a long time, he really, really appreciates his wife all the more and really, really appreciates what they have.

 

Since you're partner has only being divorced for 1.5 years and been with you for 8 months, i'd be curious to think how much he has had time to recover and understand who he is and what it is he wants. It seems to me, you were seen as an excuse to recover from his previous relationship. Get in a relationship as quick as possible to get over the loss of the child and wife he once knew. But that has detrimental effects, because if you calmly bring up subjects that he blows up about, seems to me, he can't get over someone and perhaps can't get over the fact that he was cheated on. You deserve someone who has left a relationship and healed from the residue of it a long, long time ago.

 

Be with someone because they're ready to be with you, not because they think you're a good facade to get over his shattered heart. Be with someone who has a whole heart and no longer cares or thinks about previous relationships. If he can't be 100% in the present with you, he won't be 100% in a future with you. Move on. I doubt this could get any better given the circumstances.