Runningman Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 So this isn't a crazy situation - just my first dating experience in 15 years, after being married almost that long, where I'm starting to feel like a jerk...So I thought I'd sort my thoughts out here... I became officially divorced in July of 2013, when my marriage of 14 years ended. It spiraled out of control when my then wife began an affair with a much younger man 9 months earlier. As my marriage was falling apart, I found myself struggling with a very deep sadness, and feelings of absolute loneliness. At the time, my two girls were ages 6 and 4, and since I had custody of them half the time, I credit them for getting me through this rough time in my life. After the divorce, I had a couple of girlfriends for a short while, but nothing too serious. Over time, I wasn’t feeling sad anymore. I began meeting and spending time with new friends, embraced being a single dad, and focused on doing the things I wanted to do. I was taking my daughters to a bi-monthly “chicken & farm animals” class at the local farm, and one of the workers/teachers there recognized me as someone who went to high school with her years ago! I also recognized her – she also is divorced with full custody two little girls of similar age. We started talking a lot and not before long she suggested a playdate for the kids. I obliged, and our kids got along great. Before long, she asked me out. I wasn’t entirely certain, as she wasn’t exactly my type, and the fact that we both had two kids (yikes!). But I decided to give it a shot. Why not, right? As it turns out, we get along great together. We both have the same sense of humor and are able to let loose around each other. She's witty and has a good head on her shoulders. It’s been two and a half months, but now I’m starting to have some doubts. For one, I’ve realized she has pretty much nothing going on in her life. As a result, I am almost her sole social life. So, she wants to spend every free minute of her with me - which is OK! It just surprised me how quickly it transpired this way. I've communicated my need for some of my own time (since I work and have the kids the other times, I need some time for friends, housework, self, etc.) Clearly she wants to be with me, which is sweet, but still... And when she does have her kids, she is pushing activities with all the kids. In fact, she has found ways to “show up” or get her and her kids invited over with me. Which I don’t mind too much, except I’m not a fan of having our kids play together all the time, since we’re dating and I don’t want the kids to get too close in case it doesn’t work out. She, on the other hand, wants to tell her kids about us dating right away….I've communicated where I am on this, and she is OK with it, but only somewhat... I’m also not a huge fan of her parenting. Not big deals, but some examples are – she spanks, she doesn’t have her kids ride in booster seats, even though it’s required in our state, she swears around her kids all the time (and occasionally at them). And the behavior of her kids isn’t exactly the best. I see these as possible red flags. It sounds like I’m painting her as a horrible mom, but she isn’t. She jokes all the time that she’s a mean mom, but I’ve seen her be quite good with kids, and is the “favorite aunt” in her family, as she is a fun person to be around. The style is just quite different. (She's a yeller, etc.) That being said, I’m not overly thrilled when the girls are all together. I wonder if I really want to give up my peace and quiet for the insanity of four kids….Basically, I’m starting to realize this may not be what I want, after all…But I don't exactly want be single either. Right now I’m stuck in this “I don’t want to get sucked into this situation” vs. “I might be giving up on a good thing.” Our physical, social and sexual chemistry is really good. She is a very nice / giving person, and my girls love her. I ideally would not have introduced my girls to her this early on, but she was one of the farm teachers, so it just happened this way…, but I feel like I need to cut this off earlier rather than later. Because I just unsure now...Especially considering how quickly she wants to reveal our relationship to her kids. Part of me feels like I shouldn't cut and run, but then again, I don't want to be unsure in a relationship and let it drag on. I do feel like an idiot, and a jerk. Ugh… This is where staying single looks attractive lol.. That is all. Anyone else here have experience dating as a single parent with kids, and ever get into complicated situations? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 (edited) @OP.....blended families are the most headache there is. People can pretend all they want, but reality is one will think their kids are better than the other, and funds are bound to be siphoned towards one group more than the other. I only have one child, and it's every other week. We have discussed here how single mothers are desperate to find a man to act as father figure for their kids because they've chosen to go after sole custody to spite the ex, or because the ex thought life with the woman is not worth it. Clearly she wants to be with me, which is sweet, but still... And when she does have her kids, she is pushing activities with all the kids. In fact, she has found ways to “show up” or get her and her kids invited over with me. Which I don’t mind too much, except I’m not a fan of having our kids play together all the time, since we’re dating and I don’t want the kids to get too close in case it doesn’t work out. She, on the other hand, wants to tell her kids about us dating right away….I've communicated where I am on this, and she is OK with it, but only somewhat...It behoves you to really find out what she has sole custody.....that my friend is what a lot of women try and hide from their dates, and you need to focus on it as it might give you an insight into her rational. Additionally, the yellow flag is there with her pushing for a relationship and she not being your type as you mention. She has a lot to gain, and more for you to lose. If she is able to establish common law...think with your upper head and not the one down below, she might come after you for step parent child support and even alimony. I mean are you ready for 4 kids in the house? Bigger house, bigger car, more mouths to feed, activities etc If I were you, I will run and find a woman with less kids and one that has them every other week. The deal you are getting here with this woman is not a good one. Now with everything you've said about this woman, do you think she is going to change for you, and are you trading up or down with all this swearing, spanking, yelling and style of parenting? Do not put your interest before that of your kids, they will never forgive you. Ignore at your own peril.... Edited November 19, 2014 by Tayken Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 @OP...hopefully you got this? Link to post Share on other sites
beautifulinside2 Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) I don't know if we are allowed to post other sites, but a good place for this would be a site called steptalk this really helped me. Edited November 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runningman Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Thanks Tayken, Yeah i got this, thanks for your response. It's true, I do need to think practically. I suppose what got me is how extremely good this woman is with my kids, and how quite generous she has been with both them and me. The latest is an invite to Thanksgiving, which is tempting considering I don' have any family for my girls and I to have Thanksgiving dinner with, and I'd love for them to participate in a big Thanksgiving. Stuff like that.... At this point, it's about how can I avoid being overly pessimistic, while at the same not not being sucked into a situation that may be bad for me... Its just confusing is all...I'd hate to say that all blended family situations are bad - there are many that seem to work. Yet, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be responsible for a total of four kids. Quite sure, in fact. So what am I doing with her? ... Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 You know there is a middle ground between dumping her and having her move in. See her once a week on the weekend and continue to look for other women. Tell her you feel invaded if she stays over and you want to get used to being single again, not having someone dictate to you. Limit time with your and her kids, saying you want adult time with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 You don't sound at all sure about this... She may not be a bad person but is she right for you? Its OK if she isn't. There are many people who are perfectly nice, sweet and great that really are not suited to each other... You don't need to rush anything and you don't need to fall in love with someone just because they are an alright person. Its OK to make mistakes... I would start thinking practically. If things progress and she is helping with your children are you comfortable with her shouting at them? Is she going to be comfortable with the way you deal with things?? Link to post Share on other sites
Brooke02 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I just think you are not ready for this yet. If its becoming a chore & you are thinking being single is looking nice then your not ready. You havent been divorced long, take some more time for yourself and your girls. Maybe go on some dates, but nothing serious.. Maybe you just need some adult time as mentioned. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunfire73 Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 Yes, it looks like you're just going with the flow and she's the one taking control and dictating your relationship. I feel this is too fast. You have to take it slow, one day you will wake up and feel that you lost control and are not sure what you want. You have to take a step back and see her less. Sorry but that's how you will know for sure if this is what you want and need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runningman Posted November 25, 2014 Author Share Posted November 25, 2014 (edited) Thanks to everyone for your responses….I agree that I’ve been going with the flow in what was at first a casual relationship, which has now quickly jumped onto a road toward a more serious relationship, with her wanting to tell her kids about us, invite me to family holidays, and even bring up scenarios where I spend time with her and her kids in the evenings for dinner, when I don’t have my girls. None of this, of course, is bad – it’s just I’m realizing now that I’m simply not ready for anything like that... Of course I feel bad – I wish I had realized this before I had started a relationship with her. But then again, but I don’t know if I would have realized any of this had I not dipped my toes into the dating game. At this point, I’m just not ready to give up my time alone,and I’m not ready to share the time I have with my girls. I’ve also come to an interesting realization,that I’m not ready to entertain the thought of being a part of other kids’ lives, as of this moment. I’ve always embraced the idea of having a partner with kids, but after experiencing it, I have no interest whatsoever right now! I’m going to take all of these as signs that I need more time to myself….I suppose I’m just not ready right now… I will say, I’m certainly learning a lot about myself through this process… So, I’m kinda bad at this dating thing. haha Considering I last did it in high school,maybe I’ll be a little easier on myself. Is it always going to be this complicated for us divorced folk?! Edited November 25, 2014 by Runningman Font issues Link to post Share on other sites
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