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He invited me to Thanksgiving but isn't sure about being exclusive?


ccxc910

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so this guy I have been seeing for almost two months invited me to meet his family in his hometown (a state away) on Thanksgiving break. Also invited me to visit him and go on holiday together. He lives a few states away from me but travels to my city for work regularly.

 

So when he said all these things I point blank said so do you want to be exclusive now? And he said he wasn't sure and to give him a few days to think about it. I've given him space and we didn't call or text all day yesterday. I think it was weird and a little selfish to invite me to all these boyfriend girlfriend things but having no intention of being at least exclusive. He said he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment and I believe him.

What do you think about him inviting me to this stuff?

What would you do if he comes back and says let's be exclusive?

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I think it was weird and a little selfish to invite me to all these boyfriend girlfriend things but having no intention of being at least exclusive.

I suggest trying to parse these feelings of yours a bit more. They aren't obvious to me. I see the invitations as a friendly thing. Thanksgiving dinner with family isn't necessarily a bf/gf thing....it could also be for platonic friends, or for casual daters.

 

He said he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment and I believe him.

OK, good.

 

What do you think about him inviting me to this stuff?

It's thoughtful and shows he wants to spend time with you.

 

What would you do if he comes back and says let's be exclusive?

If it's what I wanted, I would accept. OTOH, in your specific situation, I see a possibility that he enjoys your companionship (and benefits I assume?) but isn't fully bought into either monogamy, or monogamy with you, at least for now. The fact that you both started an LDR with a lot of distance built in means that it's easy for either party to treat it as an occasional convenience rather than a permanent commitment. On the bright side, he's not making false promises to you. It sounds like you really want an exclusive commitment, so you'd be better off with someone who lives near you so you can let the r/s grow naturally with lots of time together. I'm interested, who initiated this r/s and what were the circumstances?

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If it were me, after two months and the guy has to "think about it", I would be gone. Actually I wouldn't wait two months to even ask.

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Frank2thepoint

I'll give a different take on this. It is way too soon, in my personal opinion, to be introducing family at the two month mark of a relationship. Wait, let me stop here. Is this even a relationship, because you just said you are "seeing" each other. If you are just "seeing" each other, then that's just awkward.

 

I think you did the right thing by asking him if it means you are exclusive. If you want exclusivity, stick to your guns, and demand it. If you don't get it, then walk away. By the way, the guy is stalling and trying to string you along.

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so this guy I have been seeing for almost two months invited me to meet his family in his hometown (a state away) on Thanksgiving break. Also invited me to visit him and go on holiday together. He lives a few states away from me but travels to my city for work regularly.

 

So when he said all these things I point blank said so do you want to be exclusive now? And he said he wasn't sure and to give him a few days to think about it. I've given him space and we didn't call or text all day yesterday. I think it was weird and a little selfish to invite me to all these boyfriend girlfriend things but having no intention of being at least exclusive. He said he isn't seeing anyone else at the moment and I believe him.

What do you think about him inviting me to this stuff?

What would you do if he comes back and says let's be exclusive?

 

Bringing you to a family function when you two aren't even exclusive yet is not a good thing for you. It will make you feel closer to him even if you tell yourself not to. Seeing him relate to his relatives and seeing that side of him will naturally make you feel closer, unless of course, he doesn't have a good relationship with them.

 

If he comes back and says let's be exclusive and you want that with him, then say yes.

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If the family was right there & it was convenient meeting the family isn't so bad. To travel a state away & meet them on a huge family holiday, that's too much.

 

I might consider visiting him on another occasion (not Thanksgiving) with exclusivity, I wasn't usually involved in a physical relationship so the logistics might be tough.

 

The fact that he is asking is a good thing even if he seems to miss the significance of the Qs.

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Well if you define exclusive as not dating/seeing and/or having sex with anyone else, I'd say he's still on the fence. And that's okay...

 

As for you, are you comfortable with attending said Holidays as just two people who enjoy each other's company, expectations aside? In that sense, it doesn't sound terribly frightening.

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I wouldn't say it's selfish on his part, but I wouldn't travel to meet a guy's family for a holiday (and thus give up the opportunity to see my own family) if he couldn't commit to exclusivity first. It just seems like there will be a lot of potential for awkwardness. Is he going to introduce you as his friend? Will you have to stay at their house?

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If he lives in another state, how often do you see each other, and how much time have you spent together? I would assume not a lot even after two months, in these circumstances, so declaring exclusivity may be premature. It may be that meeting his family over Thanksgiving could be the basis on which he'll decide. Perhaps their opinion of you may influence his decision, and he didn't want to make it prior. So, if you think he's a good prospect, you may have blown it by pressuring him.

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I'll give a different take on this. It is way too soon, in my personal opinion, to be introducing family at the two month mark of a relationship. Wait, let me stop here. Is this even a relationship, because you just said you are "seeing" each other. If you are just "seeing" each other, then that's just awkward.

 

I think you did the right thing by asking him if it means you are exclusive. If you want exclusivity, stick to your guns, and demand it. If you don't get it, then walk away. By the way, the guy is stalling and trying to string you along.

 

Ding, ding, ding!! What does Frank2thepoint win for the correct answer to the OP's question, Bob?

 

Seriously OP. The minute the guy said he had to think about it, your response should have been, "Ok, fine. While you're thinking about it, I'm going to activate my online dating profile again. Buh-bye!"

 

You asked him for exclusivity, he said no. Any answer other than "yes," means no. Simple as that.

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acrosstheuniverse

Him asking you to spend time with his family doesn't really mean much, in my opinion, if he isn't looking to become exclusive. I've taken FWBs to have dinner with my parents before. Just in a 'popping home to see the folks, fancy some food?' kind of way. I often took friends back to my parents' house when I was going to see them, it didn't really mean anything. Just happens that some of them I was sleeping with. I look back and wonder if they thought that we were closer to being 'together' than we really were, based on that. I just never saw it as a big deal, my parents are pretty liberal so taking a guy to meet them didn't have to mean impending wedding bells, it could just be this new guy I'm dating.

 

If he's still saying 'give me a few days to think about it' he has somebody else on the side, or wants to very soon. My guess, being cynical, is that he's seeing someone else or has plan to sleep with someone else and doesn't want to lie to you by agreeing to be exclusive right now, then cheating. My bet is that he's going to be spending some time with another woman very soon, then once it's outta his system he will come back and say 'sure, let's get together'.

 

Do you know what he's upto in the next couple days? Why does it take him another few days randomly to decide whether he likes you enough to take you off the market? Anyone that lukewarm about me after a couple months would make me lose interest instantly, as it would mean he wasn't bothered by the thought of me banging another dude. Which doesn't really show much of an interest level. And after two months, you know.

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I would politely decline. Traveling to meet family for an important holiday when you're not really in a relationship is off, in my opinion. He doesn't want to be exclusive (you'd know it by now if he did) and I feel making this trip would give you false hope.

 

Plus, how awkward would that be for the family? "Mom, Dad, I would like you meet.... my friend."

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Men don't need two months to figure out if they like you enough to be exclusive.

 

If he doesn't know by now then he just isn't that into you.

 

It dependson the sort of relationship you want..........

 

Personally, I require a guy to feel the wow factor when we first meet. I want him to be excited about my texts, I need him to be really eager to make me his. ...

 

I'm not sure about you, but I wouldn't be satisfied with a man who wishy washy about me. ... who didn't know after two months whether he liked me enough to not go out and see other women.......

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He's using you, and I would guess he has someone else too. Maybe he is getting some pressure from his family re girlfriends and he needs someone to show off. If after 2 months he cannot give you an answer, he is quite happy to remain FWB.

Watch

If you want more, then you need to get rid and meet someone who will commit to you and you alone.

Edited by elaine567
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We haven't had sex yet for the record. He initiated seeing me and he initiated taking it beyond just friends and kissing/being physical. He initiated phone calls while he was in DC he initiated text messages. I made very sure to be receptive and follow his cues closely. My brother met him for dinner and suggested we meet that's when he called me 2 months ago. I have been seeing him in person for two months every other week. But we would call and text everyday he isn't here.

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So where are you in terms of your decision process?

 

Do you have plans already with your friends/family for Thanksgiving? If yes, perhaps it's best to decline going with him. To forgo your own plans is a small sacrifice on your part.

 

Separately, the matter of exclusivity, would be a sacrifice on his part. It may be that it's not a matter of him wanting to still date/see other people but with exclusivity, comes change. Where things are now is what he is comfortable with.

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Seeing you every other week? He isn't that into you. Never measure a man's interest with the amount of texting, but by how much time he wants to spend with you.

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I've already decided to make my own plans for Thanksgiving and am not visiting his family now. He said to give him a few days to think about it and it has been three with no phone call or text :(

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I've already decided to make my own plans for Thanksgiving and am not visiting his family now. He said to give him a few days to think about it and it has been three with no phone call or text :(

 

You have your answer then, I'm afraid

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Seeing you every other week? He isn't that into you. Never measure a man's interest with the amount of texting, but by how much time he wants to spend with you.

 

 

 

My Ex lived 4 Hrs away. ..

 

He still made time to see me every week without fail.

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Well I got my answer in the form of a text message 4 days after silence. He said he isn't ready for an exclusive relationship but would love to hang out occasionally while he is in town. I didn't respond I thought it was really low to send that over a damn text.

 

And then he sent me 2 snapchats of his airplane food and his airplane ticket to his family's place for the holiday which I just didn't understand either, kind of rude.

 

:/

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Well I got my answer in the form of a text message 4 days after silence. He said he isn't ready for an exclusive relationship but would love to hang out occasionally while he is in town. I didn't respond I thought it was really low to send that over a damn text.

 

And then he sent me 2 snapchats of his airplane food and his airplane ticket to his family's place for the holiday which I just didn't understand either, kind of rude.

 

:/

 

Horribly rude. Do not reply, and delete his number. What a douchebag. Thank your lucky stars you didn't get around to having sex with him.

 

 

I guess the snapchats were to show you what you'll be missing? *******.

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Poppygoodwill

So you know now that you did the right thing by asking. Good for you. YOu felt it was a bit off, and you sought to clarify and although the answer isn't the one you'd like to hear - at least you know now exactly where you stand. A good result and you have avoided wasting a bunch of your time.

 

Now to take the sting out of it, go out with some friends, whoop it up, get some attention and remind yourself that there are plenty of fish in teh sea.

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Well I got my answer in the form of a text message 4 days after silence. He said he isn't ready for an exclusive relationship but would love to hang out occasionally while he is in town. I didn't respond I thought it was really low to send that over a damn text.

 

And then he sent me 2 snapchats of his airplane food and his airplane ticket to his family's place for the holiday which I just didn't understand either, kind of rude.

 

:/

 

Argh! He's an arrogant sonofabitch for giving you the silent treatment and then breaking up with you via text. Then he sent you snapchat photos of his airplane food and his airplane ticket to his family's place to show you what you're missing? Ha! The only thing you're missing is the last 2 months of your life, which he stole from you like a Dementor does from the Harry Potter stories. What a serious douche bag! And he thinks you'll be his occasional booty call now, when he is in town? Um yeah, no, I don't think so.

 

Be grateful you only wasted 2 months of your valued time with this bozo. Seriously do not stay in touch with him. Detach, detach, detach. He will only string you along, and fade in and out of your life when it's convenient for him if you let him. Don't let him.

 

Sometimes you men can be such jackasses!

Edited by writergal
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