Jump to content

Early Stage Dating-How often do you see each other?


chicaboom

Recommended Posts

I have just started seeing a man who is 30 and I'm 29. we've been seeing each other for 5 weeks now and see each other once a week. We don't text constantly and usually just text maybe 2 days a week. I'm not sure how I feel about him and have been pretty lukewarm about him. He's not my regular type but I really want to give him a chance b/c he's a nice guy who is smart and responsible.

 

I'm starting to feel slightly frustrated though b/c once a week (to me) seems a little to infrequent to see him. I would like to be seeing him more often. I am also the type of person who liked to receive texts and generally I just want to see that he likes me and cares about me and going on dates and texting is how I get validation of that.

 

What does everyone think? Is seeing each other once a week at the 5 week mark and minimal texting a bad sign? I'm not sure if he's into me, keeping me on the side or is just scared to actually pursue me (he is quite a timid guy and when we were making out pointed out that he wasn't just looking for sex-he must have thought that I was only looking for a good time?).

 

Would love some opinions on this. I'm not sure if I should end it now b/c I do want a guy who can bring me passion and excitement and want to see me often etc...is this normal? It's all pretty lukewarm at the moment, but it's not enough for me to say No completely.

 

so confused!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you saying he ALWAYS initiates contact? I'd say at five weeks, there should be some reciprocity. If you like getting texts and being asked out because it shows he cares, then he probably feels the same way about you. I don't think guys like having to be the ones to do all the work.

 

If you want to meet more than once a week, I'd make your wishes be known. Maybe at the end of one of your weekend dates (or whenever you meet up), suggest getting together sometime during the week (pick a specific day) and see what he says. He may be picking up on your lukewarm-ness and just responding to that.

 

I'm the same way as you—I like to get a constant stream of attention if I'm dating a guy, but also I think that can be a bit unrealistic. Like, why make the guy do all the work? They need encouragement sometimes.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers

I read some good dating advice a while back:

 

"Let him do what he wants. If you like it, stay. If you don't like it, go." From the guy who wrote this.

 

Unless a guy keeps in daily contact and keeps asking me out and escalating the relationship, I lose interest and stop seeing him. For a woman this is a normal and smart response. Why bother with a man who's halfhearted about you? I'd rather stay single.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I have just started seeing a man who is 30 and I'm 29. we've been seeing each other for 5 weeks now and see each other once a week. We don't text constantly and usually just text maybe 2 days a week. I'm not sure how I feel about him and have been pretty lukewarm about him. He's not my regular type but I really want to give him a chance b/c he's a nice guy who is smart and responsible.

 

I'm starting to feel slightly frustrated though b/c once a week (to me) seems a little to infrequent to see him. I would like to be seeing him more often. I am also the type of person who liked to receive texts and generally I just want to see that he likes me and cares about me and going on dates and texting is how I get validation of that.

 

What does everyone think? Is seeing each other once a week at the 5 week mark and minimal texting a bad sign? I'm not sure if he's into me, keeping me on the side or is just scared to actually pursue me (he is quite a timid guy and when we were making out pointed out that he wasn't just looking for sex-he must have thought that I was only looking for a good time?).

 

Would love some opinions on this. I'm not sure if I should end it now b/c I do want a guy who can bring me passion and excitement and want to see me often etc...is this normal? It's all pretty lukewarm at the moment, but it's not enough for me to say No completely.

 

so confused!

 

Well, do you know what his job schedule looks like? Does he work long hours and/or at a physical/outdoor job? If so, he's going to be very tired during the week for sure. Some people don't really like texting either.

 

I'd say once a week dates is a good start for 5 weeks. I'd give it a little more time. If after 3 months, he's not upping things, you'll have to have a talk with him. But don't be confrontational. Just say you like him, you enjoy his company and then tell him what you are hoping for for yourself with someone at some point.

 

See how he responds.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Are you saying he ALWAYS initiates contact? I'd say at five weeks, there should be some reciprocity. If you like getting texts and being asked out because it shows he cares, then he probably feels the same way about you. I don't think guys like having to be the ones to do all the work.

 

If you want to meet more than once a week, I'd make your wishes be known. Maybe at the end of one of your weekend dates (or whenever you meet up), suggest getting together sometime during the week (pick a specific day) and see what he says. He may be picking up on your lukewarm-ness and just responding to that.

 

I'm the same way as you—I like to get a constant stream of attention if I'm dating a guy, but also I think that can be a bit unrealistic. Like, why make the guy do all the work? They need encouragement sometimes.

losangelena, I initiated 1 of the 5 dates..but I have also initiated the texting somtimes. I understand what you are saying, but I suppose my thoughts about dating are a little more traditional. I let the man lead in the beginning and see how much effort he puts into dating me. I think its a good indication of how much he likes me and how proactive he is (I don't want a man who is too lazy to plan a date).

 

So far he has been really good. He's planned all our dates except the one I asked him out on. But you're right I think maybe I need to give him a bit more encouragement b/c I did make a comment one night saying "I think you might be too nice for me", lol.

 

I think I will give him a chance at least. I was thinking of having a talk with him and saying that I'm not sure what he's looking for but I am looking to eventually date and be in a relationship with someone, that I want to see him more often and that I like getting texts etc...but I'm not sure how to phrase this without sounding completely needy. What should I say?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Well, do you know what his job schedule looks like? Does he work long hours and/or at a physical/outdoor job? If so, he's going to be very tired during the week for sure. Some people don't really like texting either.

 

I'd say once a week dates is a good start for 5 weeks. I'd give it a little more time. If after 3 months, he's not upping things, you'll have to have a talk with him. But don't be confrontational. Just say you like him, you enjoy his company and then tell him what you are hoping for for yourself with someone at some point.

 

See how he responds.

Thanks RedHead14. Yes I know he does work long hours actually...I suppose I am maybe feeling insecure. I guess what I want is more validation. And I also want to make sure that I like him more before we become serious and I make an investment, which I feel I can only come to know if we see each other more frequently. 3 months to me seems like a long time to still be sussing someone out...By 3 months I think we should already know if we are sort of semi serious or not no?

Link to post
Share on other sites
losangelena, I initiated 1 of the 5 dates..but I have also initiated the texting somtimes. I understand what you are saying, but I suppose my thoughts about dating are a little more traditional. I let the man lead in the beginning and see how much effort he puts into dating me. I think its a good indication of how much he likes me and how proactive he is (I don't want a man who is too lazy to plan a date).

 

So far he has been really good. He's planned all our dates except the one I asked him out on. But you're right I think maybe I need to give him a bit more encouragement b/c I did make a comment one night saying "I think you might be too nice for me", lol.

 

I think I will give him a chance at least. I was thinking of having a talk with him and saying that I'm not sure what he's looking for but I am looking to eventually date and be in a relationship with someone, that I want to see him more often and that I like getting texts etc...but I'm not sure how to phrase this without sounding completely needy. What should I say?

 

 

Telling him what you are looking for in your dating experience does not sound needy (unless he has some other kind of hang ups). Don't put it on him. Start out telling him what you like/appreciate about him. Then tell him what you are hoping for overall (not necessarily with him) and what it is you like when you are seeing someone, then say you're enjoying the time you've spent together so far. Do it casually and conversationally.

 

Give him time to respond. Don't push or pressure. If he's wishy-washy, or says something like I like you and am happy with the way things are, then you probably want to say that it sounds like you are not on the same page and that it's time to move on.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's a good question, but I think first and foremost, you wanting/needing to be with a man who is more proactive is legitimate—it's not being "needy." That's what dating's all about, right? Some women would be totally fine at this pace or this amount of contact. If you aren't, that doesn't make you "needy," that just means that you should prioritize finding someone who will give you the kind of attention you want/need. It could totally be this guy, by the way, but at this point he's just unaware because you haven't said anything. I think sometimes we just assume that someone will know how we want to be communicated with, but that's not always true.

 

My therapist has told me this (because I struggle with the same thing): when you bring it up, don't be demanding, but assert your wants/needs. You say you want to be with someone who is committed, who will see you more than once a week, and is in touch more often. You say, "I love to text or talk everyday" and see what he says. If he's like, "I hate texting, I don't want to do it all the time," then maybe you two aren't so compatible. If he says, "oh I had no idea," and then picks up the pace, then great.

 

Don't be afraid of having and/or expressing wants and needs. It's normal to have them!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks RedHead14. Yes I know he does work long hours actually...I suppose I am maybe feeling insecure. I guess what I want is more validation. And I also want to make sure that I like him more before we become serious and I make an investment, which I feel I can only come to know if we see each other more frequently. 3 months to me seems like a long time to still be sussing someone out...By 3 months I think we should already know if we are sort of semi serious or not no?

 

Three months is not a long time to determine whether or not this is the person you want to spent your entire life with.

 

Really, at the point you are at now, you should only be seeking exclusivity. Exclusivity. You guys dating only each other in order to focus on each other as individuals and then getting sexual maybe.

 

And, because of the work schedule and lack of frequency of communicating, you won't "technically" be 3 months into it. It's going very slowly. You haven't had enough time or communication to know what you need to know about him and vice versa. When you do get to a point where dates are more frequent and the communication is more significant, then you will have a better idea.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks RedHead14. Yes I know he does work long hours actually...I suppose I am maybe feeling insecure. I guess what I want is more validation. And I also want to make sure that I like him more before we become serious and I make an investment, which I feel I can only come to know if we see each other more frequently. 3 months to me seems like a long time to still be sussing someone out...By 3 months I think we should already know if we are sort of semi serious or not no?

 

Does he express his interest in other ways? Does he pay for the dates? Is he affectionate?

 

The guy I've been dating for the last 2.5 months is similar—not so great with verbal affirmation, but he plans dates and buys things like tickets in advance; he gets me flowers once a week, that kind of thing. Things like that help, for sure.

 

If you're getting like ZERO validation from the guy, then I would completely understand your confusion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Wow you are so lucky that your man does that for you...My guy has planned most of our dates, but they havent been any crazy. mostly coffee, icecream, movie at his place...he doesn't often pay for dates, mostly b/c I'm pretty quick with my wallet...I feel awkward about this stuff and he's quite a passive guy. So for example when we went for icecream I ordered first and then the woman asked if our order was together, so I said yes not to be rude and paid since I was first in line...it would have been nice I suppose if he took more of an initiative and insisted that he paid.

 

I guess my whole issue with this guy is that maybe he is just too passive for me in general, on initiating dates, on showing affection for me. gah perhaps I should just end it. i want a man not someone who is going to so passive in all areas of his life.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
venusishername
I have just started seeing a man who is 30 and I'm 29. we've been seeing each other for 5 weeks now and see each other once a week. We don't text constantly and usually just text maybe 2 days a week. I'm not sure how I feel about him and have been pretty lukewarm about him. He's not my regular type but I really want to give him a chance b/c he's a nice guy who is smart and responsible.

 

I'm starting to feel slightly frustrated though b/c once a week (to me) seems a little to infrequent to see him. I would like to be seeing him more often. I am also the type of person who liked to receive texts and generally I just want to see that he likes me and cares about me and going on dates and texting is how I get validation of that.

 

What does everyone think? Is seeing each other once a week at the 5 week mark and minimal texting a bad sign? I'm not sure if he's into me, keeping me on the side or is just scared to actually pursue me (he is quite a timid guy and when we were making out pointed out that he wasn't just looking for sex-he must have thought that I was only looking for a good time?).

 

Would love some opinions on this. I'm not sure if I should end it now b/c I do want a guy who can bring me passion and excitement and want to see me often etc...is this normal? It's all pretty lukewarm at the moment, but it's not enough for me to say No completely.

 

so confused!

 

I think it's completely fair and normal for you to want him to take more initiative. I know what you mean about passion and excitement being a requirement and normally the men I want to keep around are the ones who are giving regular attention to me and actively pursuing me. However, maybe he's just more conservative and shy and wants to take it slow.

If I felt lukewarm about someone and he wasn't really stepping up in the ways I'd like him to, I'd seek the excitement elsewhere. You can't force something that's not there. It should come naturally. I think you should go find that :) It's certainly out there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks venusishername. I think you might be right...I think i've given this guy a good shot. I'm going to speak to him this week and let him know how I'm feeling on the off chance that he is trying to take it slow. He deserves a chance to react after knowing how I feel. However, it's just too slow for me and I'm losing interest fast. I see the potential in him though and the thought of going back into the dating game is a bit exhausting to think about at the moment, haha. But if this is all there is, I'll take my chances out in the wild again for something that is more what I want.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say 5 weeks is about the right time to be seeing each other more than once a week. If that's not coming naturally then it may be time for the "where we're going" chat.

 

 

Why bother with a man who's halfhearted about you? I'd rather stay single.

Similarly, after 5 weeks, why bother with a woman who doesn't reciprocate effort/investment by initiating contact and dates? I'd rather stay single.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Nevermind the whole texting issue for a second, if you are feeling lukewarm, I don't think it's a good sign.

 

5 weeks in is when you should be comfortable with each other. That means texting everyday and/or seeing each on a more regular basis.

 

It shouldn't always be the guy that does all the initiating. I actually lose interest very fast when a girl does this. Relationships aren't a one way street, just because you accept a date, does not mean the same or show the same interest as if you initiated it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

At 5 weeks, If there's interest, at least one of you should bring it up to see each other more. You should at least see each other on weekends. My bf did that the first month. I was the one who have to adjust the frequency because I have some other things I do too. We now see each other 3 times a week, we've been together 15 months now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
venusishername
Thanks venusishername. I think you might be right...I think i've given this guy a good shot. I'm going to speak to him this week and let him know how I'm feeling on the off chance that he is trying to take it slow. He deserves a chance to react after knowing how I feel. However, it's just too slow for me and I'm losing interest fast. I see the potential in him though and the thought of going back into the dating game is a bit exhausting to think about at the moment, haha. But if this is all there is, I'll take my chances out in the wild again for something that is more what I want.

 

Good for you. There is no reason to settle when you want something more than what you're getting! There are so many men....

I think it's a good idea to let him know, of course. Maybe he's shy or reserved, or conservative, or maybe feeling lukewarm himself. I don't know if saying anything will change his pace, though.

I re-read your first post where you said you want to give him a chance because he's smart and responsible. Those are very important things and definitely requirements for me too. But you can have it all.

 

You can find a smart and responsible man who is passionate about you and wants to see you more than once a week and who contacts you regularly. I swear he's out there!

I don't think a conversation needs to be had about increasing the frequency of your meetings. In my view it should happen naturally.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would give the man time, why are we always trying to rush things? Slow and steady wins the race. Let him develop his feelings at his own pace. Once a week at 5 weeks is still OK. Let relationships develop naturally, don't try to make them into something else prematurely.

 

And "texting compatibility?". Is that what matters in a marriage? Nobody will behave exactly by your book of rules and if you look at irrelevant stuff you'll sabotage things that are potentially good, and go into crash and burn situations that will leave you bitter.

 

Give the guy 3-4 more weeks and only then bring it up.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Next week it'll be 5 months since I started dating my guy. In the beginning he was emailing me once a week to set the weekend date and that's it. Texting was zero.

 

After two months, we had a bike ride, and he said that it was at that date that he fell for me. After the bike ride we had dinner and he said he'd like to meet more than once a week. Only then he started to text, but still not every day. We started seeing each other twice a week.

 

After 3 months we had sex and he started texting me every day, although he says he hates texting. And we meet 3-4 times a week now, have trips planned (two already). Things are going swimmingly and I'm constantly walking on clouds since months 2-3. Should I have overreacted early on I would have destroyed the best thing that happened to me.

 

You cannot and should not rush things. You give them time and look at patterns, they need to be constant and escalate in time. Don't go beyond 3-4 months at this pace, but don't rush it either. Let things go and stop with the anxiety!

 

I did have an eager guy last year and he dumped me out of the blue at 3 months. The super-eager is not realistic, it's not true or shows emotional instability. REAL feelings take time to grow.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Next week it'll be 5 months since I started dating my guy. In the beginning he was emailing me once a week to set the weekend date and that's it. Texting was zero.

 

After two months, we had a bike ride, and he said that it was at that date that he fell for me. After the bike ride we had dinner and he said he'd like to meet more than once a week. Only then he started to text, but still not every day. We started seeing each other twice a week.

 

After 3 months we had sex and he started texting me every day, although he says he hates texting. And we meet 3-4 times a week now, have trips planned (two already). Things are going swimmingly and I'm constantly walking on clouds since months 2-3. Should I have overreacted early on I would have destroyed the best thing that happened to me.

 

You cannot and should not rush things. You give them time and look at patterns, they need to be constant and escalate in time. Don't go beyond 3-4 months at this pace, but don't rush it either. Let things go and stop with the anxiety!

 

I did have an eager guy last year and he dumped me out of the blue at 3 months. The super-eager is not realistic, it's not true or shows emotional instability. REAL feelings take time to grow.

Thanks BluEyeL. What you described is exactly what keeps me around with this guy. I have had very passionate relationships, ones that were full of excitement and lust and only end once the high is over. I'm used to relationships that move fast in the beginning and I realize my patterns-this is another reason why I am giving this guy more rope. When i'm with him he treats me well and seems really into me. I just wish he would give me more, let me in tell me that he likes me, be more romantic...But maybe I need to vocalize these things.

 

I'm glad to hear that your relationship is going so well. I'm surprised at the pace that you both moved at in the beginning! I might have dumped him if that happened to me for the same reason I'm quoting now. I don't know if it's the same case for my guy, but I hope I have a happy ending like you:)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I would give the man time, why are we always trying to rush things? Slow and steady wins the race. Let him develop his feelings at his own pace. Once a week at 5 weeks is still OK. Let relationships develop naturally, don't try to make them into something else prematurely.

 

And "texting compatibility?". Is that what matters in a marriage? Nobody will behave exactly by your book of rules and if you look at irrelevant stuff you'll sabotage things that are potentially good, and go into crash and burn situations that will leave you bitter.

 

Give the guy 3-4 more weeks and only then bring it up.

Blue, I really enjoy your posts. Seems like everything I read I always I agree with you on.

 

I am the same exact way. I am a slow-moving guy. I always thought that slow and steady DOES win the race. A fire that's brightly lit will dim out just as quickly.

 

I developed an absolutely amazing relationship with my current girlfriend BECAUSE we were slow. It really built up and blossomed into something great.

 

I had relationships with women in the past that wanted something quickly, that were eager for things... And you know what? They were all drama filled. It was always tears on their part. It was always stupid phone calls that ended up in silly arguments.

 

Give it time. Let it build slowly. You have a great foundation so far, OP.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think upping this to twice per week, at least some weeks, is OK for this point in the relationship.

 

Another poster mentioned that she loses interest if the guy isn't in daily communication. That's a personal preference. For me, daily communication before the 3-6 month mark would send me running for the hills screaming about being smothered by a cling-on. The amount of the communication has to make both people happy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks BluEyeL. What you described is exactly what keeps me around with this guy. I have had very passionate relationships, ones that were full of excitement and lust and only end once the high is over. I'm used to relationships that move fast in the beginning and I realize my patterns-this is another reason why I am giving this guy more rope. When i'm with him he treats me well and seems really into me. I just wish he would give me more, let me in tell me that he likes me, be more romantic...But maybe I need to vocalize these things.

 

I'm glad to hear that your relationship is going so well. I'm surprised at the pace that you both moved at in the beginning! I might have dumped him if that happened to me for the same reason I'm quoting now. I don't know if it's the same case for my guy, but I hope I have a happy ending like you:)

There are no guarantees, so there is a fine balance. You don't want to stay on a line, but you don't want to sabotage either.

 

I did let go of guys who were moving too slow, but they were really so slow that it was clear other things weren't right with their relationship readiness or interest in me. I didn't complain to them. I told them once that the pace is slow, waited to see if things change, and when they didn't, I just moved on.

 

For your guy, we don't know yet what's what, I think 1x/week is OK, especially if it's Saturday night dates. Wait 3-4 more weeks and then see. Stay in the moment for now and don't think about the future.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Blue, I really enjoy your posts. Seems like everything I read I always I agree with you on.

 

I am the same exact way. I am a slow-moving guy. I always thought that slow and steady DOES win the race. A fire that's brightly lit will dim out just as quickly.

 

I developed an absolutely amazing relationship with my current girlfriend BECAUSE we were slow. It really built up and blossomed into something great.

 

I had relationships with women in the past that wanted something quickly, that were eager for things... And you know what? They were all drama filled. It was always tears on their part. It was always stupid phone calls that ended up in silly arguments.

 

Give it time. Let it build slowly. You have a great foundation so far, OP.

Thank you, much appreciated! :) And I'm very glad you are in a good relationship. Good for you and good luck!

 

Yes, pushing too early leads to drama and a premature end. Generally women want to move faster than men but we both need the time to get to know the other before jumping in with both feet.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Next week it'll be 5 months since I started dating my guy. In the beginning he was emailing me once a week to set the weekend date and that's it. Texting was zero.

 

After two months, we had a bike ride, and he said that it was at that date that he fell for me. After the bike ride we had dinner and he said he'd like to meet more than once a week. Only then he started to text, but still not every day. We started seeing each other twice a week.

 

After 3 months we had sex and he started texting me every day, although he says he hates texting. And we meet 3-4 times a week now, have trips planned (two already). Things are going swimmingly and I'm constantly walking on clouds since months 2-3. Should I have overreacted early on I would have destroyed the best thing that happened to me.

 

You cannot and should not rush things. You give them time and look at patterns, they need to be constant and escalate in time. Don't go beyond 3-4 months at this pace, but don't rush it either. Let things go and stop with the anxiety!

 

I did have an eager guy last year and he dumped me out of the blue at 3 months. The super-eager is not realistic, it's not true or shows emotional instability. REAL feelings take time to grow.

 

I love this, and have to keep reminding myself of this constantly. I'm with a guy who's more on the slower side (though we had sex pretty quickly), and at times it really bugs me that he's not more "head over heels" or reaching out every day or texting me all the time. But I know also that a lot of that just has to do with my own insecurity and doesn't have much to do with how he feels about me. I've had the opposite experience, too, where a man said and did all the "right things" to make me feel special, but right after we decided on exclusivity, he bailed.

 

Anyway—GOOD REMINDERS, thank you. And OP, I'd say yes, communicate, communicate, communicate. And give him time. Then decide.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...