Had a fight with the gf (double standards)

[ktya]

Ok I've been with a new gf for a month. Spent every day with her since I met her. I dont want to come across as demonizing her your only getting my side of the story.

 

Had a huge fight with her last night, first actual fight I've had with her. I was ready to dump her and walk. I have no problem getting with women, I was multi-dating just months ago and was dating up to 9 girls at once (full disclosure: no lying or playing them out, they were well aware I was seeing other people).

 

The fight was as follows.

 

My gf had surgery and was laid up hanging out at my place. Hence she was getting cabin fever and really wanted to get out of the house and go out and do something. I didnt really feel it, I'm a bit low on cash as I'm catching up on some bills but I obliged, figured we'd go out and play some pool at a pub. She made me play dress up, the vest, the suit jacket, whole nine yards, I obliged because hey whatever I have the clothes and I wear them at work all week figured I'd treat her.

 

We hit one bar have a single drink then another and start playing pool. Out of the blue a friend texts me because she's having a rough day with her son because hes giving her attitude with regards to her boyfriend. This friend doesnt live with her boyfriend and has not had anyone regular in her life since her breakup with her ex husband several years ago. The son I'm guessing isnt liking not being the only man in his mom's life. The kid is only 5 hes not like a teenager. She is just asking me for some help, I'm guessing with the male psyche. I've been there for her before and she's been there for me. I dated her back in January and February of this year and yes slept with her but we broke it off and have been friends ever since. Since I dated this girl I've been with a boatload of girls until I found my current gf who I committed to.

 

Girlfriend snaps out when I say that L (I'll call her L) is having problems with her son and bf. She tells me to tell her I'm out with my gf and to deal with it another time, which I do, I show her the text and put the phone back in my pocket. She doesn't let me live it down and is on my f-ing case constantly about it so bad I get my deposit for the cue ball and say lets just go home.

 

Big fight ensues when we get home because I'm livid.

 

Backstory as to why I'm livid here is when my gf is upset she is sitting on her bloody phone texting all day. I dont know who she's texting. In one instance she had to go on OKC to get a friend's number. She was broke and said she might have to go halfway across the city to collect some money she was owed and might have to spend the night there. Later she decided not to, telling me, "Id rather spend time with my boyfriend than with someone who wants to be my boyfriend".

 

Just last night before we went out she was talking she had cabin fever and was going to go out with her friends. Said it would be weird now that she wasnt single because all of her friends she usually goes out with are single and she usually ends up getting laid. I had no problem with her going out with her friends, even if they are a bunch of single guys. Way I look at it is if she wants to be with me she'll bat them off. If she doesn't and ends up getting laid maybe she's not ready for a bf. I didn't bat an eyelash; whatever I'm self assured and if it doesnt work out with this girl I can pretty easily get another.

 

But what pissed me off to the extreme is normally my phone when I'm hanging out with my girlfriend is sitting on the charger gathering dust. I'm not texting anyone at all male or female. At times she's sat all day on the god damned phone texting whoever and not even saying who she is texting.

 

I get one text from this girl L asking about her son and it's like it was the end of the universe, she is acting like I did something wrong by answering. I am just trying to help my friend out with her son and her bf she wouldn't text me at 9pm on a Friday night if it wasnt really bothering her. I wasnt even on my phone long, I just answered her, told my gf what was going on, figuring she might have some ideas (my gf has three kids in their 20s). Instead I get the whole "were out together and your texting some chick you slept with?"

 

The double standard here is what angered me so much. I sit there and bite my lip while she's texting all day, getting a phone number of a "friend" off of OKC and she might go there to collect cash and have to stay the night, talking about hanging out with her single male friends. I get one text and fully disclose what is going on and I get the 9th degree for the rest of the night.

 

We were both broke a few days ago and she was on me saying that even the 22 year old guy she was dating could pay for the dates. That really pissed me off and last night I threw that back in her face.

 

In the end I peaked. Got home, threw my damned keys across the room and slammed a few doors. I damned near dumped her on the spot. Her defense was that if I had a problem with her texting unknown people all day I should have brought it up to her then. I get that. It bothered me but not that much, what brought that stuff to light was the double standard that she can go ahead and text people most likely dudes without telling me sh*t and I dont say anything but I get one text from someone, tell her who it is and what its about, even cut off the conversation for her and get raked for it.

 

The gf treats me pretty well which is why I made her my gf. She makes me lunches, cleans my house, great in the bedroom, lots of mutual friends and history. Like I said I'm not demonizing her overall she's a great girlfriend.

 

But I think I am entitled to exchange a few text messages with full disclosure especially with her at times whole day addiction to her phone while my phone gathers dust and I am sitting there f**king bored as hell watching her on her phone.

 

I dunno. Maybe a month is all she wrote for this one. Everyone has fights and they make it through it, maybe we will. I'm not sure where to go on this.

[MrMeh]

This just feels off. It's almost like she's projecting her anger since you aren't catching on to what she's up to.

 

On a side note, the texting dilemma is pretty silly.

[heartshaped]

Well, let's cut all the crap.

 

Her real issue, and I would bet money on this, is that you're still friends with L after dating and sleeping with her. She's essentially an ex and many women, not just your girlfriend, would like an ex to still be in contact with you. Less alone said ex texting you while the two of you are out together for advice/help with such a personal matter.

 

I think just a good old fashioned talk about boundaries and expectations is in order. You know, once you both calm down and stop behaving like children.

[Fondue]

Big fight within just one month of dating each other?

 

Either A) She (and you, perhaps) feed off drama, or B) This relationship is doomed to failure.

 

I also think there is a bit of a double standard there. She sounds controlling.

 

To ME, she is showing early signs of the crazy. THat would be a dealbreaker. But to each their own...

[preraph]

It would be double standard if your gf is still seeing a guy she used to date and sleep with who keeps calling her.

[TigerLilly78]

I didn't even have read it all just enough to realize it sounds like neither of you are ready for a committed loving relationship I mean you could care less it sounds cause in your own words shes easily replaced and shes kinda not acting right for a serious GF ether ide call it quits and go back to your single lives..

[Anderlie]

Holy mutual trust issues batman!

 

You both sounds pretty insecure. Maybe instead of wondering where the next bevy of women might be to cook and clean for you you could work on landing a good one and cultivating that relationship a bit better.

[Els]

Honestly, the thing that stands out most at me when I read your post is: Your gf cleans YOUR house regularly at one month? Or did you two move in together after less than one month? Either way, sounds really off to me...

 

Anyway, re: the argument, sounds like way too much drama for one month. It doesn't necessarily sound like a double standard to me, given that you said that you don't even ask her who she's texting. For all you know she would be happy to tell you, and it might be her sister or something.

 

But I do agree that the whole R sounds wrong off the bat and there are way too many issues here when you're supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. Not compatible is my guess.

[Omei]

Well, let's cut all the crap.

 

Her real issue, and I would bet money on this, is that you're still friends with L after dating and sleeping with her. She's essentially an ex and many women, not just your girlfriend, would like an ex to still be in contact with you. Less alone said ex texting you while the two of you are out together for advice/help with such a personal matter.

 

I think just a good old fashioned talk about boundaries and expectations is in order. You know, once you both calm down and stop behaving like children.

 

This is what im thinking no girl wants her bf talking to an ex yes sometimes people are friends with their ex over time.

 

But this is someone you were intimate with just earlier in the year! No girl wants to date someone who cant move out of contact from their ex.

 

Last month I dated a guy for only 1 week before finding out he was in extreme close contact with his ex I was like f this I can just find someone who isnt and skip any incoming drama

[d0nnivain]

The issues are pretty hot button ones imo. Any chance you can revisit the subject without alcohol? The fact that you had at least 1 drink before all the drama started probably didn't help.

[ktya]

We worked it out.

 

She didnt realize how opaque she is when she's on her phone. I'm not one to pry or grill but I at times had soft lobbed questions because she was texting like mad for hours and when I would ask something like, "Whats going on on your phone" she wouldnt give me any answer of substance at all.

 

She also had a hard time getting why I would link these events to when I got sh*t on for texting L for five minutes when she was having a problem. That one took a while to get through. My problem was never that she was texting people, and I didnt "save up" these minor annoyances to fire them back at her because at the time they were minor annoyances. My problem was that she sits and texts people and oftentimes men and then my friend L texts me for 5 minutes and its meltdown time.

 

On my end as mentioned by other posters it was the timing, the fact that we were out when it happened. While I can understand this L's five minutes of fame that night was only five minutes. I had my phone on silent and noticed I had received the text an hour prior so I figured I had better answer when I saw the request for help.

 

To me and L's defense, I casually dated L in January and February while I was multi-dating and seeing other people. We didnt really talk for a few months after that and became friends. L has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend.

 

The moral of the story, now that it's been worked out. Girls, if you want to text guys just be open about whats going on and who your talking to and the nature of the relationship. And if you want to text guys and have guy friends dont blow your top when your guy friend texts his girl friends. And just like your guy friends, sometimes the timing will be less than desirable when his girl friends need him. Finally, yes sometimes your boyfriend will have slept with his girl friends just like sometimes you have slept with your guy friends. Just because you had sex at one time doesnt mean they are now the enemy to be avoided, people who enjoy each other's company sometimes end up having sex, even if the relationship side of things doesn't work out.

 

What made me snap wasnt her reaction to me getting a text from L, or the fact that she texts guys and has guy friends. It was the fact that she would text guys all day sometimes and then I get one text from a girl and suddenly I was in the wrong. Thats bull****. Dont hold your beau to a standard that you yourself arent willing to hold yourself to.

 

Anyways fight is over problem is solved and we had a long talk about it. It got worked out at first and then she played the injustice card for a while and we worked it out some more.

 

Sidebar:

 

This matter is somewhat important to me. In my early 20s, I had tons of female friends. Over the next 17 years, successive girlfriends slowly pushed all of my female friends out of my life with their jealousy and insecurities to the point where I only had one left. Through the past year of casually dating, I have managed to remain friends with most of the girls I dated. Some I slept with some I didn't. I dont want to be going back to where I left off. I love having female friends. At this early stage in the relationship I am not about to start carving cool people (who happen to be women) out of my life with a scalpel just because they are female and maybe I slept with them.

 

--

Anyways case closed.

[ExpatInItaly]

Too much drama for such a young relationship.

[serial muse]

I'm glad you guys worked it out...so, who was she texting? Did you find out?

[FitChick]

I am not about to start carving cool people (who happen to be women) out of my life with a scalpel just because they are female and maybe I slept with them.

Don't you have male friends?

[TigerLilly78]

My problem was that she sits and texts people and oftentimes men and then my friend L texts me for 5 minutes and its meltdown time.

 

L has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend.

 

The moral of the story, now that it's been worked out. Girls, if you want to text guys just be open about whats going on and who your talking to and the nature of the relationship. And if you want to text guys and have guy friends dont blow your top when your guy friend texts his girl friends.

 

Just because you had sex at one time doesnt mean they are now the enemy to be avoided, people who enjoy each other's company sometimes end up having sex, even if the relationship side of things doesn't work out.

 

.

1. Its melt down time cause she was AN EX..thats simple and understandable and alot would not deal with it..espicuialy if there's more then one floating around as it sounds..

 

2.If shes got a Bf why is she texting you asking advice on how to handle her son? my bf would be the 1st person I would ask those kind of personal questions not my ex..

 

3.The real morel of the story is don't keep a herrum of EXs around if your serious about having a stable adult relashionship...

 

4. No there not the enemy but they are a part of your past a sexual partner im sorry but no matter how you try to say "oh were just buddies" your GF isent going to be thrilled and I bet you wouldn't be ether not that you would admit it..I mean you were paraniod at who she was texting on her phone why is that? afraid she might be talking to some one she slept with or might sleep with at some point? there is a double standard but im not to sure its on her side alone..

 

 

Anyways it seams you two worked it out for now until the feeling of jealousy and suspicion surface again its bound to happen with how you two are going about this but by all means continue to live as singles in a coupled relationship have fun with that..

[kaylan]

It would be double standard if your gf is still seeing a guy she used to date and sleep with who keeps calling her.

 

This.

 

You know what I call women who still stay in contact with past flings or exes? I call them FWBs and never a girlfriend.

 

Id dump a girl who behaved like OP very quickly. Heck Id have never gotten into that relationship knowing such a person felt it was ok to talk to someone they used to shag.

[preraph]

The subject of still being friends with exes is one I have all kinds of mixed feelings about. I always had guy friends around, sometimes in ridiculously suggestive circumstances. One guy I dated got the brunt of it, I guess, and he never questioned it. I had a lot of young guys hanging around that I never slept with but just loved if I ever took them to a concert or something like that, or they'd come over and just hang sometimes. The guy I dated later joked that I raised them, handed them a guitar, and then kicked them out. That same boyfriend used to put up with the guy who came before him, who never would stop coming over and stuff. I explained it all and he was okay with it. He knew I was just very social at that time and he knew I'd finally gotten over the guy who came before.

 

I only had one guy say anything about the subject and it was a tricky circumstance. The guy who I mentioned above who I'd been in love with before played guitar, and I began dating a guy in our crowd everyone knew who was putting a new local band together and needed a guitarist, so I fixed him up with the old bf and they did end up all in a band. Well, I never worried about what the new date thought about anything. I'd known him a long time, he knew how I was, that I hung out a lot with different guys. Plus he was separated and not divorced yet, so I wasn't taking the whole thing very seriously. Well, I went out of town and left the old guy my car and my apartment because he was kind of in between and I wanted someone to stay at my place while I was gone. When i got home, my date asked "Why is _____ driving your car?" and you could tell he was irritated. I just told him he and I had been good friends for a long time. I mean, he should have already known that.

 

And yet, I'm a pretty insecure jealous person at times, so I see both sides. I do think there's all kinds of ways it can be all right to be friends with exes, though, but you shouldn't be sneaking around doing it and need to include the person you're dating in at least part of the socializing with them.

[labayer]

First of all, don't get me wrong, but just based on this thread I'm assuming you're a self-absorbed dude who thinks who can get any girl he wants and that's why your girlfriend should just be happy to be with you. Maybe you're not, but in this thread you really seem like that. And maybe your girlfriend gets exactly that vibe from you and thinks you're trying to keep several girls around because you think you're a great guy who can just go with another chick if it doesn't work out with her.

 

Second, if you have a problem with things your girlfriend does, like texting all day and not saying to who, then TELL HER and don't hold grudges until you start fighting to bring it up THEN. That's really unhealthy for any relationship. By the way, I'm also texting a lot (I'm in a relationship of more than two years) but I never text any guys or do shady stuff behind his back. I usually just talk a lot with my mom and my best friend. So don't assume directly she's doing something shady.

 

Third, if this friend of yours really just texts you once in a while it's fine. If you texted with that girl several times a week I would also be pissed of if I was your gf. Your girlfriend needs to understand she can trust you.

 

Fourth, you're calling your gf a good gf because she's making lunch for you and cleans your house? She rather sounds like a housekeeper to me, especially after one month of relationship and not even living together. Maybe she's just useful and convenient for you, that's it. Are you with her because she does stuff like cleaning your house and making lunch? Or are you with her because she's making you laugh, you can't stop thinking of her when you're with her and she's the only girl you wanna be with?

 

And last, a fight about such a thing after just one month isn't a good sign at all. I would reconsider the relationship.

Edited November 18, 2014 by labayer

[patriciasex]

Anyways it seams you two worked it out for now until the feeling of jealousy and suspicion surface again its bound to happen with how you two are going about this but by all means continue to live as singles in a coupled relationship have fun with that..

 

 

This is well said.

 

If I were with someone who texted constantly right in front of me, I would not be in a relationship with that person. Aside from it being rude and massively disrespectful, it is a very large red flag that this person would rather be engaged in doing just about anything else but be with me.

 

That speaks volumes about the future prospects for a healthy loving relationship.

[Omei]

We worked it out.

 

She didnt realize how opaque she is when she's on her phone. I'm not one to pry or grill but I at times had soft lobbed questions because she was texting like mad for hours and when I would ask something like, "Whats going on on your phone" she wouldnt give me any answer of substance at all.

 

She also had a hard time getting why I would link these events to when I got sh*t on for texting L for five minutes when she was having a problem. That one took a while to get through. My problem was never that she was texting people, and I didnt "save up" these minor annoyances to fire them back at her because at the time they were minor annoyances. My problem was that she sits and texts people and oftentimes men and then my friend L texts me for 5 minutes and its meltdown time.

 

On my end as mentioned by other posters it was the timing, the fact that we were out when it happened. While I can understand this L's five minutes of fame that night was only five minutes. I had my phone on silent and noticed I had received the text an hour prior so I figured I had better answer when I saw the request for help.

 

To me and L's defense, I casually dated L in January and February while I was multi-dating and seeing other people. We didnt really talk for a few months after that and became friends. L has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend.

 

The moral of the story, now that it's been worked out. Girls, if you want to text guys just be open about whats going on and who your talking to and the nature of the relationship. And if you want to text guys and have guy friends dont blow your top when your guy friend texts his girl friends. And just like your guy friends, sometimes the timing will be less than desirable when his girl friends need him. Finally, yes sometimes your boyfriend will have slept with his girl friends just like sometimes you have slept with your guy friends. Just because you had sex at one time doesnt mean they are now the enemy to be avoided, people who enjoy each other's company sometimes end up having sex, even if the relationship side of things doesn't work out.

 

What made me snap wasnt her reaction to me getting a text from L, or the fact that she texts guys and has guy friends. It was the fact that she would text guys all day sometimes and then I get one text from a girl and suddenly I was in the wrong. Thats bull****. Dont hold your beau to a standard that you yourself arent willing to hold yourself to.

 

Anyways fight is over problem is solved and we had a long talk about it. It got worked out at first and then she played the injustice card for a while and we worked it out some more.

 

Sidebar:

 

This matter is somewhat important to me. In my early 20s, I had tons of female friends. Over the next 17 years, successive girlfriends slowly pushed all of my female friends out of my life with their jealousy and insecurities to the point where I only had one left. Through the past year of casually dating, I have managed to remain friends with most of the girls I dated. Some I slept with some I didn't. I dont want to be going back to where I left off. I love having female friends. At this early stage in the relationship I am not about to start carving cool people (who happen to be women) out of my life with a scalpel just because they are female and maybe I slept with them.

 

--

Anyways case closed.

 

No not at all! People that are good partners tend to drop their ex before dating someone else out of respect for their new relationship and actually want to have a shot at it being successful instead of the issues your going through now because well obviously you already see the failures it causes.

 

As other posters said you may have solved the issue for now but it will rise again as no partner likes to be in a relationship where you haven't even had a time period of no contact since your intimacy. In a fresh relationship of 1 month this is a terrible sign.

 

It is true that ex's can be friends! I had a bf who did, and they hung out every so often but they spent years being in no contact and sorry she didn't text him she had her own husband to talk to.

 

You seem to be someone who can just turn it off and become instant friends I can do that too! but I am single once I get a partner I don't plan on talking to my past sexcapaids esp someone I only knew for two months, why would I need them to be my friend? as most people don't tend to cling to a two month failed relationship.

 

I really thought you were like perhaps 16-23 ish because you seem full of yourself and with little relationship wisdom, you seem like a person collector much the same as the type of people who add every person they come into contact with on their facebook, you can't possibly be friendship compatible with every person you come across or dated.

[BlueIris]

……….

 

Out of the blue a friend texts me… She is just asking me for some help, I'm guessing with the male psyche. I've been there for her before and she's been there for me. I dated her back in January and February of this year and yes slept with her but we broke it off and have been friends ever since. Since I dated this girl I've been with a boatload of girls until I found my current gf who I committed to.

 

Girlfriend snaps out when I say that L (I'll call her L) is having problems with her son and bf. She tells me to tell her I'm out with my gf and to deal with it another time, which I do, I show her the text and put the phone back in my pocket. She doesn't let me live it down and is on my f-ing case constantly about it so bad I get my deposit for the cue ball and say lets just go home.

 

…….

 

I won’t condone the way she handled it at all. But this part ^^^, being friends or maintaining continuing relationships with ex’s (or is it exes?) was the reason my current BF and I had an argument this weekend, and the reason I ended it with the last two men I dated. Three for three. Despite the protests that it isn’t important or doesn’t mean anything (from all three), I don’t maintain ongoing relationships after breaking up with someone. My breakups are clean and polite, no yelling or fighting, and if I encounter an ex, we certainly talk in a friendly way… but no, I don’t even understand why people would want to keep strings to ex’s, such as helping each other out, sharing confidences, or, in my current (but now tenuous) BF’s case, keeping pictures of him and his ex up in his house. I sure don’t do any of that. It is a huge difference in how people handle boundaries and exclusivity. I would think that my BF would be hurt or feel uncertain if I had pictures of my ex up in my house (the scenario in my case) or if I were chatting with my ex or we were turning to each other for assistance and support (the scenario in your case).

 

I don’t think that she handled it well, since I don’t see any point in picking and being on anyone’s case. I just explain my position and then go home.

 

That said, it sure seems to be common these days to keep relationships with ex’s, maybe for women too, but certainly with the last three men I dated.

 

As a note to Omei: I'm with you. And get this: The 3 men I dated who kept their ex-GFs as "friends", ALL THREE were over 50 and ALL THREE complained of mistreatment and infidelity from said ex's. It's mind-blowing to me, messy and ridiculous, Drama King material, but no, it's not even age bound....

Edited November 18, 2014 by BlueIris

[ktya]

3.The real morel of the story is don't keep a herrum of EXs around if your serious about having a stable adult relashionship...

 

At 38 I have a large harem of exes. They are all good women or I would have never been with any of them. Just because I was with them at one time or another doesnt mean that I suddenly hate them because I'm no longer sleeping with them. Grow up.

[TigerLilly78]

At 38 I have a large harem of exes. They are all good women or I would have never been with any of them. Just because I was with them at one time or another doesnt mean that I suddenly hate them because I'm no longer sleeping with them. Grow up.

 

Im not the one with these types of "Issues" in my relashionship I cut the ties with my Exs but then again mine is a grown up mature relashionship..hows yours doing again? Oh right..never mind..

 

If your hinting that your proud of having that many ex's on call then I think your the one who needs to do some growing up def at 38..

Edited November 21, 2014 by TigerLilly78

[Thegreatestthing]

I never understood concept of jealousy in relationships my ex he would go to the strip clubs and come home and show me posters of the girls and it was a jolly thing ,he had a best friend who was a girl too,she was in love with him,I didn't notice her.

 

I think you should just talk to whoever you want,and she should talk to whoever she wants, you can't really guard a person only a bird.

 

Maybe I've got it all wrong maybe it's just loss prevention or something,if she can get you to cut contact with females she can minimise loss,less talking to girls lower risk of Loss,we should all do all that we can to prevent loss of a highly valued thing.

 

Some people are high risk in terms of loss prevention like exes,they are more likely to steal you then some random on the street because you've been attracted to them before,whereas chances of liking some random is low,now I understand the gf.

 

It's not about trust really it's about loss prevention,peoples emotions are very volatile and overtake them easily ,it's very naive to think some vague thing like trust even exists,just focus on loss prevention.

[TigerLilly78]

 

I think you should just talk to whoever you want,and she should talk to whoever she wants, you can't really guard a person only a bird.

 

.

This can work for some couples but not all in most cases one or both carry jealousy when it comes to Exs especially when the ex is a recent one as in this case it was what under a year? plus add on the fact its not just this one women the OP has heaps of them on call..no women in her right mind is going to be happy with a situation like this.

 

And its a selfish mindset that the OP has going into things hence me saying hes acting like a single only thinking about himself and in his own words shes easily replaced anyways..but yet he got angry cause she might have been talking to one of her exs or some other guy.

 

This situation was just the tipping point..but im done its their ship to sink..clearly the OP doesn't want to hear any of his faults only that she was wrong..