Color me Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for almost six years. He was very handsome and sweet, but not the smartest in the world. I had no problem with that, he told me flat out, he had a baby boy. He said he wasn't a very involved father somewhere down the road and I've since made him work things out with the mother. Neither of them are good parents and the responsibility of this little boy goes to anyone but them. The boy is my little pal, and my parents have also taken an interest in him. My boyfriend didn't graduate high school and he can barely read. It's really sad. He obviously lacks a lot of schooling. He grew up in poverty his whole life and now has a low wage trade job. Lately, I've found myself frustrated with him. He's spacey, forgetful, has no motivation, and while he's a well intentioned father, he's not a very good one. I feel like we've hit a wall and I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Well, maybe he just "is" what he "is".... Some people are limited in their abilities to learn. Sometimes when someone has difficulty learning, instead of reaching out and/or someone recognizing they need special help, they stay quiet cuz they might be embarrassed - so, they don't finish school - but probably could have if they gotten the help they needed. Even then, he still might not be capable enough to do more (i.e. go to college). So, my thing is: go to college or learn a trade. Even though he is low-wage in his trade, is there opportunity for better wage with time and/or advancement? Now, the whole "having a kid and bad parenting"? Yeah, I think that's wrong. Look, I can't tell you what to do, but I don't believe in dating people so they can be a 'fixer up' project. I also believe 'where there's a will, there's a way'. But, sometimes people don't aspire to things cuz they probably haven't been pushed/exposed to other experiences. Are there social programs in/near your area (i.e. United Way). When you say he's "spacey, forgetful, and couldn't get through school", I do wonder if he's a bit slow. Maybe you can get him some info on groups to expand his horizons and you be a supportive friend instead of continuing to date him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Color me Posted November 3, 2014 Author Share Posted November 3, 2014 He's not someone I planned to "fix up" but I do care about him and I won't to make this work. I've helped him become a little more literate, and I've also looked into getting him some help. I'd love for him to learn to read more and be better with basic math skills. I'm not ashamed in any sense, but heart broken it's as bad as it is. I've seen him do some risky things purely because he can't read directions, about a year ago, he almost gave his son too much medicine and thank goodness I was there to show him the correct dose! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Youre the one that said that he was handsome and sweet, and thats all you needed. Well, that handsome and sweet is all you should need right now. Seems like you were OK him being an uninvolved father. They guy has stayed the same, the question is why did you change? Is sweet and handsome not enough for you anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
leavesonautumn Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 It may just come down to incompatibility. It is what it is, people hit a wall sometimes and either grow from it or move on from each other. It probably has nothing to do with you specifically changing or him not being enough for you. You may just be going in different directions and there is nothing wrong with that. How old were you both when you started dating? Is he a supportive partner? Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted November 3, 2014 Share Posted November 3, 2014 Smart or not, I think a huge issue is that you do not see him as being a good father. Is this someone that you can see yourself having children with? If so, you might want to reevaluate. Link to post Share on other sites
sagetalk Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 It sounds like you are disappointed that you were unable to change him. Take this as a life lesson. Never try to change a man. Date men that are what you like, not the men who could become what you like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Hey, when you're young, you kind of expect people to be underachievers, but you reach a point you need someone who can carry their own weight. Otherwise, you will be the one carrying the load into the future. I would say since he's not a good dad, it's not practical to have kids with him and you go work two jobs while he is a stay-at-home dad. If he was a good dad, that would be an option. But he's not. So having kids with him isn't a good idea. He'll never be able to contribute financially if you do leave him and you have kids, nor will you be able to give him joint custody. So unless you plan to never have kids, I see this as a no-brainer. The sad thing is the loser in this is his little boy. If no one is truly giving this kid what he needs, maybe CPS needs to intervene and foster the poor kid out -- or you foster him or something, without the dad, and then move forward working and trying to find a better man to have kids with. I mean your man may be all sweet, but he's more like having a child, isn't he? That's not very conducive to romance, is it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for almost six years. He was very handsome and sweet, but not the smartest in the world. I had no problem with that, he told me flat out, he had a baby boy. He said he wasn't a very involved father somewhere down the road and I've since made him work things out with the mother. Neither of them are good parents and the responsibility of this little boy goes to anyone but them. The boy is my little pal, and my parents have also taken an interest in him. My boyfriend didn't graduate high school and he can barely read. It's really sad. He obviously lacks a lot of schooling. He grew up in poverty his whole life and now has a low wage trade job. Lately, I've found myself frustrated with him. He's spacey, forgetful, has no motivation, and while he's a well intentioned father, he's not a very good one. I feel like we've hit a wall and I don't know what to do. So all you have to go by is the fact that this guy "is cute"? Wow, just when you think you've seen it all, a post like this comes along. I fail to see what the allure is with this guy, and it's obvious that you see yourself as a latter day Mother Theresa. You know he hasn't been an involved dad, and somehow you think life with him is going to be different? A guy that can read or write without a good job...but cute and that makes it all right. This is probably what is happening in my other thread about "would you date someone with no post secondary education". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Color me Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 I was 19 and he was 21. I wasn't trying to fix him, we just connected. I wasn't okay with him not being a father, I made him start taking his son or else I wouldn't see him anymore. Now, I'm preparing for grad school and he's still acting like he's 14. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 There's nothing wrong with breaking up with him. In fact, it may do you some good to change things up a bit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Cut the umbilical cord pronto and move on. You have your whole life ahead of you instead of getting tangled up in some drama that you can barely handle at your age. Focus on school, get a career and socialize with nothing serious. Girls that choose to play their lives away and get pregnant early, are the ones that end up being a liability to some guy and get treated like trash because they have no self esteem and have to rely on baby daddy to give them CS before they buy cigarette or booze. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Change things. Posting about the same thing over and over isn't changing it. You must be the one to change it if you expect things to improve! Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted November 11, 2014 Share Posted November 11, 2014 The reality is that when you are young many traits such as being mature, responsible don't seem as important in a partner. However, as you are going to graduate school and he's still stuck in the mentality of a 14 year old, you will lose your attraction to him. Don't expect to make people change. It doesn't work like that. Either accept the person as they are or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Color me Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 I got a call from his boss on Friday. He hasn't been to work in a week, he has no idea I know yet. I'm so mad I can't think straight! Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I think you can't leave him because you are afraid you will lose the little boy or the boy will be lost without you This is what is stopping you from moving on But an easy fix is to break up but stays as friends, so you can always be involve in the little boy life as a mentor or something.. Another way to fix this is to teach your boyfriend, be his teacher until he becomes better and maybe he'll surprise you... I saw on humans on New York( famous page on Facebook where the photographer capture people photos and their story) A girl picture who said " I don't have friends, and I am alone Everybody says to me do this and do that, go there and here to get friends But nobody really says, " Let's do this, let's go there and here." So you get my point right? You should start with him from level zero I taught someone dear to me math from the 1x1 She learned, and now she compete with me and takes higher grades than I do. Math now became her favoirte Class .. Imagine how enthusiastic he would become, if you learned together.. Eventually, he'll get there, you just have to serious about teaching him. Be honest with him Tell him, I can't see a future together if you don't try to take a ged test and and associate degree... Don't tell him that in a way that he feels you think you are better than him tell him in a way that you care.. You are a great girl with a good heart, don't let anyone's comment tells you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
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