She shows disinterest after second date

[Johhny623]

Hi everyone, first off, sorry for the long post, but I feel like I need to specify all the details

 

So this girl, we are co-workers, we are in our twenties, she showed interest in me, I liked her back, we exchanged numbers, texted for about 3 days, and then she asked me if I would like to go for a walk with her and a female friend.

Kind of unusual, but ok, I went with them, took them to a wine place, later her friend's boyfriend showed up too. It was ok, we laughed and so on. After I drove her home, I went in for a little smooch on the lips, but she tilted her head to the side.

 

After 3 days, I told her that we will go out again, but only the two of us. She accepted, and so this was our 1st date. We went on two separate locations, had a great time for about 7 hours, laughed, hold hands, touches and stuff, but no kiss. I drove her home, and thinking about last time, I just kissed her on the cheek, and said goodbye.

 

Also 3 days later, we went on a second date, for a walk, even if it's winter here, and kind of cold outside. We looked like a couple, I always hold her next me, with my hand on her right hip. As it was freezing, we went in a bar, drank some wine again, laughs, touches, arm, leg ... but no kiss. We then went outside again, I took her to an intimate place in the city, where we were lonely. Then some *****in' tourists showed up :/.

So I missed this opportunity too, and then we went again in another bar. I tried to take her slow, by playing a game. I asked her how well is she with her imagination, and we would kiss on a different spot, neck or whatever, and whoever repeats the spot loses. But she was not into it, told me I am "crafty", like she would know I would lean in for a kiss.

I drove her home again, kissed her on the forehead, said goodbye.

 

I know I was a loser by waiting for the right time, the right moment to kiss her, and I think she just gave up. I'm not really good at kissing, I lack experience, and that's why I hesitated so much, and also because I like her a lot, and didn't want to mess things up ... even tough, that's what it has come to, in the end.

 

Now a week went by after this second date, and she lost interest big time. No more texts, If I texted her, she would respond, but otherwise she would initiate contact.

I tought it was just a test, to see if I really liked her or not, as girls sometimes do, and I showed her I was not affected by it, and when we met at work, we would talk like nothing is different.

 

But I told her that she went in on me pretty strong, and then, after a while (our 2nd date) she stopped this. She asked me if I felt ignored, and I said no (even though I felt ignored), but it's confusing.

I asked about her plans for the weekend, and if she would like to come by my place, and she said she'll think about it. I told her that I usually don't do this but I will insist on going out with her at least one more time, and I will stop only if she explicitly told me so. She just smiled :/

 

A day after I told her tomorrow we would go out 100%, she didn't say anything, so the next day I replied that something unexpected came up, so I can't go out, but the next day I would be available. And this time she replied, she said that it's ok, but she can't go out the next day, because her weekend is full (what the hell? she never even said yes the first time, I just replied like she would of)

 

Now my question:

-Where do you think I messed up?

-Should I ignore her for some time? I really like her, I don't want to just move on. If I do this, I'm afraid she will too, instead of appearing interested, and it would all end.

-How can I repair this? How can I take her on one more date? I'm confident about kissing her this time, because I have nothing to lose anymore.

[Jules Dash]

You strike me as someone who is not aggressive enough and may seem unnatural around her. You may simply lack experience with women and just need to keep pressing on with dating. You didnt do anything wrong in general but just did not know what to do with women. This is learned from experience mostly.

 

Dont play games by ignoring her. She won't care and it will make things with her awkward at work. She will tell her friends about it and you won't look as good.

 

 

You can't repair thus. It is what it is at this point. She is just not attracted to you. Just keep dating and if someone moves out of the way of your kiss, dont be intimidated by this. You still press on but not too much. Sprinkle it a bit. Dont make plans to kiss someone and talk to them about it. It takes all of the magic out of it. Just walk up to her and start kissing her.

[Johhny623]

Yes, I am not aggressive enough, and also lack experience. I look good enough for them to initiate first contact, I went out with a girl who has a boyfriend, and she asked for my number out of nowhere. But even then I screwed up. It's frustrating.

 

But this girl, I don't mean ignoring her full time, that would not be possible anyway. I mean I would still say hello and stuff, but I would ignore her in the way that I stop any interest in her, as a partner, no more texts or any hints.

For example, last time I told her we will meet next week ... so now, if I ignore her about this, I'm thinking she will start questioning why. Or am I wrong?

 

I know she was attracted big time to me, at least in the beginning. We exchanged some very sexual texts, and also speak of it.

Do you think I turned her off that bad, after the second date?

[Jules Dash]

It's alright to lack experience. Just long as you don't beat yourself up about it causing you to have insecurities. Don't be insecure about kissing and sex if you have not done a lot of it. Everyone at some point had no experience in kissing and sex.

 

 

Be professional at work. Always remain professional at work no matter who you go on dates with or not. When you are at work, be the cog that makes your company produce. Keep the same relationship at work as you had with her prior to going out on dates with her. This way, no change in your behavior can be attributed to you pursuing her by your Human Resource department.

 

Women lose initial interest all the time. Dating is a trial run to see if it can be sustained and/or grow. It can be tough getting past date #2 without a whole lot of experience. She is no longer interested in you but at least you got to date #2 and that is not counting the initial walk.

 

 

Learn how to be flirtatious without appearing creepy or awkward on dates. If a woman has a nice ass, I have no problem telling her that on date #2 which is also the date she will be kissed. I don't tell her I will do it and I don't ask for it. Just keep this in mind.

[Poppygoodwill]

If she never wanted to kiss you then probably you weren't a contender from teh start. She was trying it on, seeing how it went, adn now has decided - in a sort of passive way - that she's just not that into you. Sorry. There's no sense asking why; everyone has their preferences, and you barely know her so it's not a matter of being right or wrong. Just not her type.

 

chalk it up to experience and move on.

[angel.eyes]

She's not interested in kissing you. It happens.

 

At some point on that first date, she stopped seeing you as a romantic option. That's why you got her cheek when you tried to kiss her. That's why she wouldn't engage in your kissing games, and she's too busy for another date.

 

If someone wants to be kissed, you'll get lots of positive signals. If someone doesn't want to kiss, it will feel like the time is never quite right.

 

Not to worry. Someone else will like you. Try again.

[Johhny623]

Thanks for all replies.

 

I don't think it is about her not wanting to kiss me ... I mean yeah, she didn't initiate a kiss, but how often girls do this? ... But it is more about me, being afraid to kiss her, because of not messing things up.

After the first walk, I tried to give her a little smooch on the lips because I didn't care as much, because I didn't know her that well, and she avoided.

 

But then, as I got to know her, I liked her a lot, and I was afraid to make a move in this direction, and so I tried that kissing game.

 

About positive signals for her to be kissed, I think I received them, but now thinking back I was such a p**y. Like ... holding my hand, and squezing it real tight, or letting her head down on my chest (right before those tourists showed up). She never looked at my lips tough. I'm not really sure, but aren't those positive signals for a kiss?

 

I have one more question if you guys please.

I'm thinking of letting her go, so ignoring her as a partner. But I would like to make one last try, by making her jealous. Do you think she would act jealous and show interest if she would see me with a hickey on my neck?

[elseaacych]

Thanks for all replies.

 

I have one more question if you guys please.

I'm thinking of letting her go, so ignoring her as a partner. But I would like to make one last try, by making her jealous. Do you think she would act jealous and show interest if she would see me with a hickey on my neck?

 

No. Hickeys are gross. Don't try to make her jealous. If you're going to cut her off as a partner, just keep things friendly and cordial like they were before you went on your date. No worries about it, no harm no foul. You may be able to pick up on her again after a few months if she starts showing interest again. But false starts are so rare. Not worth the yo-yoing emotions.

 

Interestingly, I posted kind of the inverse to your situation in another thread. I am female, he is male. I pursued, then stopped, to let him "be the man" and assert some sort of interest. Now, I am all feminist, egalitarian, and equal opportunity, but I am aware of the dynamics that occur in early relationships, and typically, it is the man that has to pursue the female. Perhaps she thought YOU stopped being interested.

[Jules Dash]

She is just not interested. Don't try anything besides focusing your efforts elsewhere. Don't try any games such as ignoring her or attempting to make her jealous. You will just become the super annoying guy at work that she tells all of her friends about and she will wish she never even gave you the time of day.

 

You know how a dog can sense danger and you are like "wtf, how did my dog know that?" That's instincts that's in the fabric of their DNA. If you want to see a woman's uncanny ability to detect BS when it comes to a guy she is not interested in then try your games.

[angel.eyes]

Thanks for all replies.

 

I don't think it is about her not wanting to kiss me ...

 

Really?!? I'll reiterate the signals that you received once again:

 

Negative sign #1: Giving you the cheek

After the first walk, I tried to give her a little smooch on the lips...and she avoided.

 

Negative sign #2: Refusing to engage in your kissing game

...so I tried that kissing game.

 

Negative sign #3: Unavailable for another date.

 

I have one more question if you guys please.

I'm thinking of letting her go, so ignoring her as a partner. But I would like to make one last try, by making her jealous. Do you think she would act jealous and show interest if she would see me with a hickey on my neck?

No, I really wouldn't do this. Unfortunately, she doesn't see you in a romantic light anymore. Trying to make her jealous will just make you look desperate, which it's highly unattractive. Just let it go, and find someone else.

[Johhny623]

Ok, I'm so lost for words right now.

I need your help ... I'm so mind fuc*ed I can't read this girl at all ...

 

I stopped texting her when I made this post. I didn't ignore her, as we are coworkers, I was simply how I was before we went out.

 

Last week I went out of town in a trip for the weekend with some friends, I invited her too, but she didn't want to come. But the following day, she started texting. Well ok, I continued game, brought her a gift whatever ... I didn't invite her somewhere right away, because I felt she would refuse me, because she's super busy during the week with school, work, who knows what else.

 

And as the weekend started, today I asked her if she want to come to my place, watch a movie, drink some wine. She said that she won't be able to come, because she wouldn't be a pleasant company today (second time she refuses with this reason actually). I insisted, I said, we can go bowling or whatever, I don't really care what, I just want to be with you today. And she said ok, a movie and wine at your place sounds good (kind of sucks I live with my parents, but anyway, they don't care what I do in my room)

 

Now, the mindfu*k part. So I have this girl, in my house! in my bed! And I'm still not able to kiss her. WTF? First, we drink some wine, talk about stuff in my room, share some stories ... we watch the movie, the movie ends, lights out, we share stories again ... AND what is intriguing is, if I initiate touches or stuff like this, she wouldn't complain at all or make comments, but no response from her, to do the same to me. I'm all over her legs, we hold hands, we talk, but nothing.

If I came close to her head she would get up. I stay laid back in the bed for a bit more, I get up too, then she would lay back in the bed. I lay back in the bed, get close again, she would get up ... you get the picture.

 

Am I in the friend zone? Why bother to come over then? And why let me touch you all over your body? How the hell was I supposed to do it? Just full jerk mode, and force the kiss? I felt like she would refuse because there was no action from her part at all. I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable by forcing it.

So I drove her home, went for a simple simple simple smooch on the lips, but ... yeah, she tilted her head.

 

Seriously, I'm not afraid of kissing, but wtf, how am I suppose to do it? (IF she will come again, which I somehow highly doubt it). Give me please a step by step example, I'm so lost for words, but I like this girl too much to let her go.

Let's say we are in my bed, laid down, face to face, and talk about random stuff. I'm touching her on the legs, and even hold her hand, but she does nothing of the sort. Just talking. I don't feel nothing from her part ... I just lean in while she's talking and force the kiss? or what?

 

Should I talk to her, how does she see us, if she comes back again? Should I ignore her back again, I really have no idea what to do next.

[Coe]

Sounds like friend zone to me. She doesn't care where you touch her as long as it isn't overly sexual as you don't arouse her when you touch her.

[Johhny623]

I've been in the friend zone before ... but it was clear as day light.

In this situation however, it's confusing. She doesn't talk about other guys, or even say I'm her friend, plus all this intimacy.

 

Ok, so how do I get out of this friend zone? I feel confident that I can convince her to come by my place once more. If I don't arouse her when we touch, shall I speak more sexually, or massage her, or any other suggestions?

[angel.eyes]

Only if you want her to start finding you truly repugnant! Let me ask you this, if some girl that you considered hideous kept trying to kiss and grope you and talk dirty to you, would you suddenly become attracted to her?

 

The whole interaction is just so cringeworthy. You've become the guy who can't take a hint. Again, she clearly doesn't see you as a romantic option, but she'll be your friend if you vehemently insist on spending time with her. Pity friendship is never the way to any woman's heart. Please let this go. You've made this way more awkward than it ever had to be by persisting anyway.

[Johhny623]

Well ... if I considered her hideous, I wouldn't go to her house, would I? And even if I would, I wouldn't spend so much time there, I would make up an excuse and leave.

 

Why does it seem to you that the whole interaction was cringeworthy? Don't take it personal, I'm just curious.

 

I can take a hint, I stopped everything when I first made this post.

Then she initiated contact by texting, we got to the point where we talked about enjoying some time together when I get back, and after the week passed, I asked her out.

So, why would you, as a girl, do this to some guy you didn't like? I suppose you would just continue ignoring him, or at least not tell him you would like to spend some time together, at a wine.

 

Plus, she knows very well I have friends, I don't need a pity friendship from her.

You are right about something though. I can't take a hint about when it's the opportunity to go in for the kiss.

 

Anyway, I just talked to her today, and I know I fuc*ed up big time. She was expecting from me to do a move of some sort, because now she totally changed the way she talks. Big big difference from two days ago.

 

So yes, I wasn't till last night, but anything from now on would be in the friend zone.

Any advice on how to get out? Thanks for all replies!

[MissMoneyPenny]

I think you need to let this one go and move on..

Edited November 23, 2014 by MissMoneyPenny

[angel.eyes]

Women aren't looking to date every guy they speak with. Oftentimes/most times, they are just being social and want you as a friend. She may have been interested in you initially, but some time during that first encounter she decided she no longer saw you as a romantic option. Everything that you're doing to force things, is just hammering home that you are the wrong choice. Again, if a woman you find totally unattractive insists on repeatedly kissing and groping you, does that make you more or less interested in having a relationship with her? Does it make her attractive? Your behavior is having the same effect.

 

If you have to cajole someone to spend time with you, she's not interested in you. If you have to plot, strategize, and convince someone to spend time with you, she's definitely not interested. The fact that you're working this hard and getting nowhere is your signal to move on to someone else who may actually be interested in you romantically. Not to be harsh, but where is your pride and self-respect in all of this? Move on already and stop bugging her. She doesn't see you that way. But others will...unless you get a reputation for being creepy and not taking a hint. And believe me, word gets around.

[Johhny623]

Women aren't looking to date every guy they speak with. Oftentimes/most times, they are just being social and want you as a friend.

Yes, I know what you are talking about, but I try to find it hard to believe, I hope I'm not lying to myself.

She knows I don't have any female friends like that. I mean I'm not anti-social, on the contrary, but ... I don't hang out with girls I'm not interested in. And I wouldn't invite one over to my house. So basically she knows she can't have me as just a friend.

Plus she has trust issues, she doesn't speak with many people, she's like a good or home-staying kind of girl. One of the reasons why I liker her so much.

 

Again, if a woman you find totally unattractive insists on repeatedly kissing and groping you, does that make you more or less interested in having a relationship with her?

If a woman would insist on me, yes, it wouldn't be that attractive, I know what you mean. There's no challenge. But what the hell ... she asked me a few days back how am I, and if I went out with other girls. I told her that I won't talk with her about something like this, I am a discreet guy, an she wouldn't want me to talk to other women about her neither.

 

Not to be harsh, but where is your pride and self-respect in all of this? Move on already and stop bugging her. She doesn't see you that way. But others will...unless you get a reputation for being creepy and not taking a hint. And believe me, word gets around.

It's not about pride. I lost many things because of this. I don't bug her, I was as casually as I could be. If she responded good, if not, I never insisted.

The thing is, I'm in a moment in my life, where I don't have time to chase other girls, to go out to meet them, or in social circles, then go on dates and so on.

I have great confidence in talking with any type of girl, but I don't want that, I want her. I found something in her, that only one more girl in my life had. That's why I want to make it work, and I tend to ignore all the "move on" messages. It's not just another date or girl for me. If I can't make it work with this girl, then I would just continue with my plans in life, which even though on the long-term would benefit me more, life is short, and I want to feel strong emotions for someone, to feel alive. But for this I need someone I find special, not just a girl I picked up at a grocery store, I'm not in a search for a generic girlfriend.

Can you imagine, in the mean time, I went to a girl I don't really find attractive and avoided, but I just wanted to try and forget her ... and I'm staying naked in the bed, couldn't do anything, just because I was thinking of her? I was just staring at the ceiling :| This girl knew immediately I was thinking of someone else. She's that much on my mind

 

And I don't care about other girls from my workplace, besides her, I don't find any of them attractive. For all I care they can think of me as being the creepiest dude they ever knew, I don't give a flying f*ck!

 

 

But you have a point. I decided what to do. Please tell me if it sounds like a good choice. So as I said, I don't keep female friends just to hang out.

 

I will stop contacting her in any way (besides casual encounters at the workplace, which is inevitable) for about 3 weeks, if she doesn't show any interest during this time, and interest I mean her inviting me somewhere or some sort like this, then I would explicitly tell her that ... I know she may want me to be just a friend, to talk and hang out sometimes, but I see something more in her, and I can't do this. And at that point I will move on with my life.