Give & take in a relationship

[Buzzle]

I have been with my bf for 7 years and we live an hour apart. I go to his place on weekends and he comes to mine once or twice a week. With the exemption of the first year when I came his way a LOT more than vise-versa, THIS is how it's been the rest of our relationship, and we've been happy. We talk sometimes about marriage but really can't progress from where we are now because of 2 reasons: the first is that I work here and due to the hours, I cannot commute. I realize there are other jobs but because of reason #2, I really haven't pursued that. The 2nd and main reason is that my 15 year old son goes to school here and doesn't want to change schools, which I understand. We could potentially move down here once my son starts driving (if he would be ok commuting), but I don't really love that idea tbh. I have 2.5 years until graduation.

 

My dilemma is this: my son is now more interested in girls, hanging out with friends and going to football games than going to the bf's. He wants to be able to take off and go do things, and if we are gone on weekends then he can't. It would be one thing if he could figure out in advance what his weekend looked like, but teens aren't very good at that as most of his plans come about last minute. I get it, and honestly my bf should get it too because he is a very non-scheduled person. He is frustrated with it though because the last month or so we really haven't known what the plan was going to be: Are we staying here on Friday or can we go? It looks like we can go, ok great… oh wait, there's a football game? Ok fine, after that then. Wait what, a friends house for a while? Well are you staying the night? You don't know? Well when will you know? You're not sure? You and so-&-so are "talking about" hanging out tomorrow? Can you try to get a yes or no please…. and that's how it goes. It's frustrating but I do get that that is pretty common for teenagers.

 

Here lately it's almost gotten to the point that I just don't want to go to his house anymore.. it's too irritating to try to plan. I don't want to force my kid to come when I know he doesn't really want to because his friends are all here. Why should I expect him to when he now has a more expanded interest that he can't take part in at the bf's house? It just doesn't seem fair.

 

From my perspective, I spent the first 7 years packing me and my kid up and staying at his place for every weekend… it's his turn to come my way now. He probably thinks that my son and I can maybe split the weekend, that he can plan things for Friday and then Saturday we go there, but that won't always work either. That only means there can't be any spontaneity for him with his friends on Saturday and into Sunday as well.

 

He has mentioned selling his house and moving this way, and although I appreciate his willingness, I don't think that would be the best plan either. There are better jobs with higher income potential where he lives, not to mention that he would then have to commute, and my situation is temporary. He feels like more time with me is important for "us" and although I get that, I'm not sure how to accomplish it on my end exactly, especially with regards to the weekends now becoming an issue, which I have yet to really discuss with him. He is willing to come this way more, or so he says, but I am concerned that he will start to feel it's not fair that he's doing the bulk of the commuting. I feel that in order to make "us" work it's going to have to been give & take, and I don't think it's unfair to expect him to come my direction some (or most?) weekends now, depending on whether there are teenager plans or not.

 

Am I wrong?

[lil_lionwoman]

You seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want your son to have a social life but it's at the cost of your own relationship.

 

He probably thinks that my son and I can maybe split the weekend, that he can plan things for Friday and then Saturday we go there, but that won't always work either. That only means there can't be any spontaneity for him with his friends on Saturday and into Sunday as well.

 

I'm a bit confused by what you've said, so you stay at home so you can take your son places.

Does that prevent your boyfriend from coming over to spend time with you?

After you drop your son off don't you have time to yourself?

When you go visit him are you taking your son with you?

 

depending on whether there are teenager plans or not.

 

You're planning your life around your teenager, which is understandable because you're a single parent and he has always come first in your life. But he's growing up he's 15 and needs to learn independence. Going places without you is a great step to take. I know you said he'll be able to drive soon which will give you and him more freedom, but that's too long to wait to spend time with your bf.

 

Perhaps planning out a few days a month at first where you know you will be going to visit your man. Let your son know that if he wants to make plans for those days, you can't be involved in the equation. After all there has to be someone else who can take him, or he can try public transport...(I'm not sure if this is available where you live but if it's possible then I'd try it out). He's old enough to be able to figure that stuff out on his own. I understand you wanting to be there for your son but it seems like you're inadvertently becoming a slave to his whims... (I'm not trying to be harsh only honest).

 

Basing the time you hang out with your boyfriend on teenager plans will only lead to resentment. And he won't admit it to you because no one wants to say that their jealous for the time you devote to your own son. Carve out time for him even if it's only a few hours, let him see that you are trying.

 

He probably thinks that my son and I can maybe split the weekend, that he can plan things for Friday and then Saturday we go there, but that won't always work either.

 

Why not ask him?

Then you'll know how he really feels, no advice will help if you don't tell him about the dilemma your in. Talk about it and make a plan together. #1 It tells him you care about spending time with him. #2 Both of you are involved in creating a solution and therefore it is more likely to work.

 

I get the sense that you try to involve your son in the relationship, like taking him with you when you visit. Am I right? If so you might want to consider including him in the discussion as well...

[Buzzle]

And here's the mod message:

 

Paragraphs & formatting code: Separate long posts into paragraphs, leaving a blank line between each block of text

 

the LDR forum is for Long distance relationships, you see each other 3 times a week and live an hour away, that isn't considered an LDR for this forum, it was moved to dating and the title updated, thanks.

 

Gee thanks Robert for moving my post from 'LDR' into 'Dating' which is a less suitable category. The very issue I am having is with the DISTANCE!

 

As for my formatting... really??? My post IS separated into paragraphs!! So my paragraphs are too long? Has LS really become THAT critical??!

[lil_lionwoman]

Wow it seems kind of harsh for them to be able to move your post to another forum, but I do see where the moderator is coming from.

 

But I believe you're placing too much importance on distance.

Is distance really the problem here?

It seems to me that the problem is really time...

 

People on the LDR forum, such as myself, generally need a road trip(several hours long drive), or a plane to reach their significant other. A situation that makes regular contact unlikely or unfeasible, you're not faced with a situation as drastic as that.

 

Yes a one hour commute is an inconvenience and it's clearly hampering your relationship but you never once mentioned that making the 1 hour drive was impossible, only that it was hard to plan for.

 

consider this...

If your SO lived nearer say 30 minutes away would you have the same problem?

Would these problems immediately be solved simply because he lives closer?

I think the answer to that question will get you closer to the root of the problem, and if your answer is yes then the problem is distance, if not you might want to consider your problems from a different angle.

[Buzzle]

I'm a bit confused by what you've said, so you stay at home so you can take your son places.

Does that prevent your boyfriend from coming over to spend time with you?

After you drop your son off don't you have time to yourself?

When you go visit him are you taking your son with you?

 

When I go visit him I do bring my son.. the alternative is that I go without him. That would mean I either need to leave him home alone overnight, and I don't think he is old enough/mature enough just yet, or I need to make sure he has somewhere else to go while I'm gone. If he doesn't actually go stay at a friends house overnight but wants to hang out with his friends somewhere until late, it completely disrupts any possibility of going to my bf's.

 

It would be one thing if my son would do something with his friends from say 11 to 7... then we could jump in the car and head to my bf's afterwards, but that's rarely how it works out. He goes to football games that get out at 10pm or later, or he claims to have plans in the works with friends that he can't ever seem to get any specifics on in enough time for me to plan anything around. Yes I have time to myself after I drop him off, and that's great if my bf wants to come up this way.. and he certainly can if he wants to, but that's where I think we may run into trouble.

 

It doesn't mean he can't come to my house, but that's where I think he's going to have an issue. Even though I haven't yet sat downed and talked with him about this, I suspect he won't be willing to give up his weekends there to come spend it with me. I've made his weekend life really easy for the last 7 years because he has been able to do all the stuff he enjoys with me by his side too. Coming my way would mean giving up time with friends, family, trips to his favorite coffee-shop... the convenience of being at home. THOSE are all the things I have given up but am now in a position where I'm being squeezed in 2 opposite directions.

 

Perhaps planning out a few days a month at first where you know you will be going to visit your man. Let your son know that if he wants to make plans for those days, you can't be involved in the equation. After all there has to be someone else who can take him, or he can try public transport...(I'm not sure if this is available where you live but if it's possible then I'd try it out). He's old enough to be able to figure that stuff out on his own. I understand you wanting to be there for your son but it seems like you're inadvertently becoming a slave to his whims... (I'm not trying to be harsh only honest).

 

I do feel a little like a slave, but I understand how teenagers are as well. I can try to plan in advance some time with bf and can tell my son that I can't be a part of the equation, and I can certainly expect him to figure out his own rides with friends or public transportation, however I'm not going to leave him alone overnight. He would need to plan to be at a friends until the next day for this to be effective for me. I obviously can't insist he do that, and often times his nighttime plans don't include being gone overnight.

 

That's my issue: our weekend interests now conflict and I can't be in 2 places at once.

[Buzzle]

Wow it seems kind of harsh for them to be able to move your post to another forum, but I do see where the moderator is coming from.

 

But I believe you're placing too much importance on distance.

Is distance really the problem here?

It seems to me that the problem is really time...

 

People on the LDR forum, such as myself, generally need a road trip(several hours long drive), or a plane to reach their significant other. A situation that makes regular contact unlikely or unfeasible, you're not faced with a situation as drastic as that.

 

Yes a one hour commute is an inconvenience and it's clearly hampering your relationship but you never once mentioned that making the 1 hour drive was impossible, only that it was hard to plan for.

 

consider this...

If your SO lived nearer say 30 minutes away would you have the same problem?

Would these problems immediately be solved simply because he lives closer?

I think the answer to that question will get you closer to the root of the problem, and if your answer is yes then the problem is distance, if not you might want to consider your problems from a different angle.

 

Yes, if he lived 30 minutes closer my issue would not be near what it is now. 30 minutes is half the time, and THAT would make it so much easier to accommodate all of us. I could potentially head to his house without my son if he didn't want to go, and yet I am still close enough to run back to pick him up if he ends up back at home for the evening. He's old enough to stay at home alone and old enough to figure how to get around town, but I don't want to leave him overnight.

 

30 minutes closer won't necessarily fix any imbalance issues I have with him (like say if he isn't willing to give up his weekends at home the way I have for the last 7 years) but it would make it easier for me to come his way still.

[lil_lionwoman]

or he claims to have plans in the works with friends that he can't ever seem to get any specifics on in enough time for me to plan anything around

 

I might be making wrong assumptions here but it seems as though your son is maybe avoiding these trips to your bf's house.

Are these trips something he looks forward to or something he dreads?

Teenagers avoid anything that they feel dragged into doing. I don't know I'd at least ask him about how he feels when you take him with you.

While it's important that all 3 of you spend time together I think it's also important that you and your bf have alone time.

 

That would mean I either need to leave him home alone overnight, and I don't think he is old enough/mature enough just yet, or I need to make sure he has somewhere else to go while I'm gone.

 

ok this was not something I was expecting. So you don't feel comfortable enough leaving your son at home alone at night. This compounds the problem. I think you need to start planning different ways of spending time together that don't involve weekend long trips to be with one another.

 

I'm assuming that there is a reason why you limit your contact with one another to only weekends.

Are you both too busy during the week to spend time with one another?

If not that seems like a great time free of "teenager plans" where you could plan to be together.

 

An entire weekend is a long time to dedicate to somebody so I understand your concerns about taking away from your bf life. But this sort of arrangement isn't working for either of you, it's draining both of you and places too much demand on either one party or the other.

 

Why not plan things that don't take up so much time?

Perhaps a dinner that's only a few hours long? A picnic in a nearby park? etc.

You shouldn't always be meeting your SO under sleepover like conditions.

 

In your case you may want to consider meeting in the middle(I mean literally).

Pick a spot that's somewhat in the middle of the 1 hour commute to meet or alternate weekends where you come over. This will make it easier to take care of your teenager and still have time with your bf.

[heartshaped]

I think the fairest thing would be you split the weekends like every other weekend you went there and every other weekend he came to you or there abouts.

 

Your son is fifteen honestly it won't kill him to miss out on this or that. Doesn't he have friends near where your boyfriend stays? If he has been going there for the weekends since he was eight you think he'd have made some friends in your boyfriend's neighborhood, etc.

 

I remember when I was a teenager quite a few of my friends spent every other weekend with their dads and were unable to go to this or that because they would be there. It wasn't life changing I assure you.

[Buzzle]

This is sort-of an update. The pressure is very much on me right now and I feel pulled in 2 directions. Son has a new gf whom he likes very much and he is not wanting to go to my BF's house - not this weekend and truthfully I expect he will fight me most weekends. Before you guys say "You are the mom - you tell him the way it's gonna be" ….sure I can do that. Why would I want to drag him somewhere that he doesn't want to be though? I understand that he has a life here and ALL his friends are here, not in the BF's city. It's boring there for him for the most part, with the exception of playing video games. I really just don't know what to do.

 

My BF has this expectation of us spending some routine weekends together, and although I understand the need for "us" time, I really don't know how to accomplish this when I have a teen not wanting to go. I don't feel it's fair to make him.. I just don't. I also don't feel like it's fair of me (as his mom) to make him find somewhere else to stay for the night if he wants to be able to do something that night with his friends or gf. My bf thinks I should tell my son that he can have one night and we can have one night - like we stay home Friday and then we up and leave to his house Sat.

 

Yeah, in theory that works but teens often don't after know until immediately before their plan, so I already know that my son is going to shun away from this idea as well because at the BF's he can't do ANYTHING social until we get back. Once we're gone he's stuck, and he knows it. And I know it.

 

I still really feel like it's the BF's turn to step it up and come my way most weekends, or like a previous poster suggested, we don't do overnights all the time.. we meet halfway for a movie or dinner, etc. I seriously went his way almost every single weekend for the first 6+ years, frequently with the kid in tow, and now I am in a position that makes it difficult for me, or put it this way: him wanting me there is putting me in a position where I feel like I have to choose between him and my kid, and that is not a good feeling for me. I give him credit that he comes here during the week, because I can't do that.. I have to be to work too early, and with a kid midweek trips there are impossible.

 

All night I thought about our relationship and wondered if we are going to make it because being in this position every weekend is going to put me in a bad place. I feel he doesn't understand my position because he doesn't have children… that all he can do is think logically about our situation and decide what he think works, but without the emotional aspect that plays such a huge part of each relationship, I don't think he can grasp my position. Not every situation is cut & dry.

 

I just don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to my BF and be honest with him. I fear he will think that "we" will not have enough time together to sustain a relationship but on some level I feel that that is kinda selfish. He has always been SO independent and lives by his own schedule… he is always late wherever he goes, including my house like 95% of the time (no exaggeration). He has had plenty of opportunity to spend MORE time with me and yet I have been putting up with this frustrating crap for years. He lives this way by his choice whereas my situation with my son is not something I am voluntarily signing up for. Based on some of our talks thus far it seems he's not going to understand my position. Boy would I like to hear from someone else with personal experience in this situation… had the MOD's not moved this thread from LDR's I might have heard from those people...

[acrosstheuniverse]

Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see the problem! You said here:

 

'He is willing to come this way more, or so he says, but I am concerned that he will start to feel it's not fair that he's doing the bulk of the commuting. I feel that in order to make "us" work it's going to have to been give & take, and I don't think it's unfair to expect him to come my direction some (or most?) weekends now, depending on whether there are teenager plans or not.'

 

Your boyfriend is willing to come spend more time at yours. Let him. Don't spend all of your energy stressing out and worrying that he'll feel it isn't fair, when you know yourself that you have spent the past six years being the one to go all the way to his every weekend. I would absolutely hate to be the one having to travel to the other person's house, it's so difficult without your stuff around you, and must have been even harder with a kid to tow along too. Why wasn't your boyfriend doing most of the travelling to yours when he doesn't have the additional burden of a child?

 

Are you worried that if you put your foot down and ask him to come to yours, he won't bother? Do you think you mean enough to him for him to put his weekends at home to one side so that he gets to spend time with you?

 

Also I'm unsure as to why you aren't willing to let your son stay at home alone now that he's 15? You're not a million miles away, you're an hour away, and he's plenty old enough. Heck, he'd probably love it once a fortnight or so. If you're concerned that he may get into a situation with the new girlfriend and make some stupid choices you can link up with her parents to ensure that they're keeping an eye on where they're spending time together. At 15 I was going away to music festivals with friends and camping for four nights surrounded by drugs and alcohol. A night in at home is perfectly appropriate for a fifteen year old unless they're especially immature or have some developmental issues. Maybe some other parents can weigh in here but I'd be surprised if the majority feel like 15 is too young. I imagine as your son has spent six years having to go spend weekends at your boyfriend's, he is going to resent it more and more as he gets older, especially as he approaches the age where he no longer needs taking care of.

[Copelandsanity]

Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see the problem! You said here:

 

'He is willing to come this way more, or so he says, but I am concerned that he will start to feel it's not fair that he's doing the bulk of the commuting. I feel that in order to make "us" work it's going to have to been give & take, and I don't think it's unfair to expect him to come my direction some (or most?) weekends now, depending on whether there are teenager plans or not.'

 

Your boyfriend is willing to come spend more time at yours. Let him. Don't spend all of your energy stressing out and worrying that he'll feel it isn't fair, when you know yourself that you have spent the past six years being the one to go all the way to his every weekend. I would absolutely hate to be the one having to travel to the other person's house, it's so difficult without your stuff around you, and must have been even harder with a kid to tow along too. Why wasn't your boyfriend doing most of the travelling to yours when he doesn't have the additional burden of a child?

 

Are you worried that if you put your foot down and ask him to come to yours, he won't bother? Do you think you mean enough to him for him to put his weekends at home to one side so that he gets to spend time with you?

 

Also I'm unsure as to why you aren't willing to let your son stay at home alone now that he's 15? You're not a million miles away, you're an hour away, and he's plenty old enough. Heck, he'd probably love it once a fortnight or so. If you're concerned that he may get into a situation with the new girlfriend and make some stupid choices you can link up with her parents to ensure that they're keeping an eye on where they're spending time together. At 15 I was going away to music festivals with friends and camping for four nights surrounded by drugs and alcohol. A night in at home is perfectly appropriate for a fifteen year old unless they're especially immature or have some developmental issues. Maybe some other parents can weigh in here but I'd be surprised if the majority feel like 15 is too young. I imagine as your son has spent six years having to go spend weekends at your boyfriend's, he is going to resent it more and more as he gets older, especially as he approaches the age where he no longer needs taking care of.

 

He's also willing to sell his house to move there, lol. It sounds like he's trying to put you - and your son - 1st in his life, but you're not allowing him to...

 

To add, if your son is a good kid, you can gradually start letting him have more independence. 15 is old enough for that.

[Buzzle]

Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see the problem! You said here:

 

'He is willing to come this way more, or so he says, but I am concerned that he will start to feel it's not fair that he's doing the bulk of the commuting. I feel that in order to make "us" work it's going to have to been give & take, and I don't think it's unfair to expect him to come my direction some (or most?) weekends now, depending on whether there are teenager plans or not.'

 

Your boyfriend is willing to come spend more time at yours. Let him. Don't spend all of your energy stressing out and worrying that he'll feel it isn't fair, when you know yourself that you have spent the past six years being the one to go all the way to his every weekend. I would absolutely hate to be the one having to travel to the other person's house, it's so difficult without your stuff around you, and must have been even harder with a kid to tow along too. Why wasn't your boyfriend doing most of the travelling to yours when he doesn't have the additional burden of a child?

 

Are you worried that if you put your foot down and ask him to come to yours, he won't bother? Do you think you mean enough to him for him to put his weekends at home to one side so that he gets to spend time with you?

 

Also I'm unsure as to why you aren't willing to let your son stay at home alone now that he's 15? You're not a million miles away, you're an hour away, and he's plenty old enough. Heck, he'd probably love it once a fortnight or so. If you're concerned that he may get into a situation with the new girlfriend and make some stupid choices you can link up with her parents to ensure that they're keeping an eye on where they're spending time together. At 15 I was going away to music festivals with friends and camping for four nights surrounded by drugs and alcohol. A night in at home is perfectly appropriate for a fifteen year old unless they're especially immature or have some developmental issues. Maybe some other parents can weigh in here but I'd be surprised if the majority feel like 15 is too young. I imagine as your son has spent six years having to go spend weekends at your boyfriend's, he is going to resent it more and more as he gets older, especially as he approaches the age where he no longer needs taking care of.

 

Yes, he is getting old enough to leave at home overnight sometimes. I have only done that once and it was fine, but I kinda fear that with free reign of the house he'd have his gf over. I would have at his age if I had the house to myself.. hell I snuck him over even when my parents were home! Kids are sneaky. Maybe I am just having trouble letting go of some control, I don't know.

 

Him staying home (if he doesn't want to go with) would make both our lives easier, that's for sure. Good idea to link up with her parents. That would put some responsibility on the other half which would be helpful.

[Buzzle]

He's also willing to sell his house to move there, lol. It sounds like he's trying to put you - and your son - 1st in his life, but you're not allowing him to...

 

To add, if your son is a good kid, you can gradually start letting him have more independence. 15 is old enough for that.

 

Okay so regarding the bolded above, he has said this, yes... but he knows I would never expect or want him to do that. He doesn't want to do that either. It's easy to say something like that when you know it's never gonna happen. If push came to shove I do not think he would sell his house. In fact I'm pretty certain it's not even really crossed his mind as a real consideration.

 

Not to say he doesn't care.. I know he cares. Lately I have just feeling like he cares when convenient for him. As long as "us" and the distance does not inconvenience him too much then he is good with it. If it impacts his schedule (which is largely dictated by what he WANTS to do, when he wants to) then he won't feel that way.

 

He says he is willing to come this way more, so great. On those weekends when he can't or feels I should come there, we are going to have a problem if my son doesn't want to go (unless he can start staying alone overnight and be trustworthy or go to a friends). This has been a long time coming.. it's been building up for a while now.