MissTrudy Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am dating a wonderful guy, an "actions speak louder than words kind" of guy. He completely changed his vacation plans when he found out I was going abroad for a few months so that he could visit me in a cold expensive windy city, instead of going to the tropical island he'd been wanting to visit for years. He came and treated me like a princess, I felt like we also became closer on a more emotional level and some of the concerns I had a month ago completely vanished. Well, last night when we were cuddling in bed I told him I love him. Because I do. I love everything about him and I just couldn't hold back saying it anymore, especially after his visit. He was already smiling before I said it, his facial expression didn't change or anything, he just said "yeah..." and then silence. We both went to sleep not long after and he left a few hours ago. At risk of being told I am overreacting...should I be worried about his response? He's never told me that he loves me, and I don't want to force him to say it or keep pushing the issue. It just doesn't feel appropriate for me to keep telling him I love him, though, if he hasn't said it to me, which is kind of hard now because I feel so strongly. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am dating a wonderful guy, an "actions speak louder than words kind" of guy. He completely changed his vacation plans when he found out I was going abroad for a few months so that he could visit me in a cold expensive windy city, instead of going to the tropical island he'd been wanting to visit for years. He came and treated me like a princess, I felt like we also became closer on a more emotional level and some of the concerns I had a month ago completely vanished. His actions speak louder than his words (or lack of words)... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am dating a wonderful guy, an "actions speak louder than words kind" of guy. He completely changed his vacation plans when he found out I was going abroad for a few months so that he could visit me in a cold expensive windy city, instead of going to the tropical island he'd been wanting to visit for years. At risk of being told I am overreacting...should I be worried about his response? You are overreacting. You said it yourself what type of a man he is. You said it once. He'll say it eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatIsLove2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Yea, don't keep saying it. How long have yall been together? Are yall bf/gf? Or just dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I don't think you're overreacting. It's normal to wonder what the hell is going on when you tell your partner you love him (her) and he doesn't say it back. You should definitely have a conversation about it at least confirm you both want to be with each other but don't read too much into his lack of response. The more you pressure him the more you'll push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Give him time before asking him about it. He is acutely aware that you said it, in fact probably thinking about it 24/7. Give him a chance to respond in his own time. If after a week he hasn't mentioned it, then maybe time for a conversation about where the relationship is going. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) My fiance who passed away, said it to me first and in bed. I was speechless and had a lump in my throat because I was deeply in love with him and wrapped up in the moment. I didn't say it back, but he knew . . . and I already knew he loved me. He showed me everyday, in every way and I did the same for him. Bottom line, you don't know . . . you'll have to wait it out for as long as you are willing to. Don't say it again. Pay attention to his actions from here on out. Edited October 31, 2014 by Redhead14 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 In September you were writing about a boyfriend that could not even respond 'I miss you' back, is this the same man? Maybe your answer is in your last thread. If it's a new man that means you've been dating for only a couple of weeks and you say ILY? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 You should not be letting this bother you. Unless you only said it to him in an effort to get him to say it back. Listen to what the phrase is. I.... love... you... You are expressing YOUR feelings. Why are you now second guessing this? Upu said what you wanted to say, but I think you were expecting him to say it just because you said it. I think his change in vacation plans said it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Don't say it again, and don't ask him about it. Give it a few months, and he might say it back. If he hasn't said it in a few months, you can reassess the situation at that time. Whatever you do, don't bring it up to him! He's probably trying to work it out in his head. There is no way you can expect to arrive at being in love at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTrudy Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) In September you were writing about a boyfriend that could not even respond 'I miss you' back, is this the same man? Maybe your answer is in your last thread. If it's a new man that means you've been dating for only a couple of weeks and you say ILY? it's the same guy, i don't move that fast! we've talked over some stuff and have grown but like i said in this post, he isn't one to express himself verbally that often. i didn't realize it as well back then as i do now, and he is definitely getting better with expressing himself. so have i, but there's still work to be done on my part. i've always felt he was being genuine when he did share emotions, for what it's worth It's reassuring that others are interpreting the situation as I am, I know I tend to overreact I don't plan on saying anything about this to him, I guess I was kind of expecting him to say something back but I do genuinely feel that way, and I am glad I told him so that he knows for sure. Edited October 31, 2014 by MissTrudy Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia2014 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 You are overreacting. You said it yourself what type of a man he is. You said it once. He'll say it eventually. She is not over reacting. She has a right to know if he loves her or not. Link to post Share on other sites
heartshaped Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 OP, you are not painting the full picture here. I remember your other threads on this guy (and just went back and skimmed them to refresh my memory) and you've had a myriad of issues with this man from day one. You've been dating this man for about six-seven months now am I correct? Honestly, he just doesn't seem that into you. I've seen this situation play out on this forum over the years and in real life with women and it just never ends well. It's one thing when you tell someone you love them two-three months into something and they don't respond, but six-seven months in? And from the sounds of your original posting this isn't the first time you said it either so it isn't like he was in shock. Everyone always makes excuses in these situations like "oh he's just shy/quiet" or "he says it with actions" but point blank if someone loves you they tell you unless they have some type of issue with emotional intimacy. You know when I respond "yeah" to I love yous? When I don't love the person. Someone treating you well does not equal the same as loving you. It's just not that simple and I don't think you can say someone loves you just from their actions towards you. I would say he sounds emotionally stunted from this thread and others you've created about him, but I don't think that's quite the case either. I think it's just he isn't that into you and this is going to end poorly for you. I hate to call it that way, but I call them like I see them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Honestly, he just doesn't seem that into you. I read the other threads about him, and I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 You can't make someone love / be with you. This is something that a lot of women struggle with, some goes as far as getting pregnant thinking that will change things. The man doesn't need to stay with you, and you can't change him. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 She is not over reacting. She has a right to know if he loves her or not. So when YOU say "I love you", it's a DEMAND for someone else to tell you if they love you or not? The phrase "I love you", I don't think it means what you think it means. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 So when YOU say "I love you", it's a DEMAND for someone else to tell you if they love you or not? The phrase "I love you", I don't think it means what you think it means. Here is Selena to better expand on that Link to post Share on other sites
Assasda Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 The phrase "I love you" is something to be given. - Its not something to expect something in return. You shouldnt be having an alterior motive. At least you know this guy is genuine, and he isnt blowing smoke up your ass Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Its not something to expect something in return. You shouldnt be having an alterior motive. True...but you know most women do just that Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Awkward, but if he's like you say, he was just caught off guard. You don't say another word about it or act weird and give him a few days to come up with what he wants to say or do. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 OP, you should link posters here to your previous threads about your relationship with this guy. It would provide more context so people can give better feedback. Honestly, in light of your other threads, I think this is fairly clear: he's not as into you as you are into him. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 OP, you should link posters here to your previous threads about your relationship with this guy. It would provide more context so people can give better feedback. Honestly, in light of your other threads, I think this is fairly clear: he's not as into you as you are into him. Plain and simple. Damn. I hate it when people do that... they post another thread with an entirely different tone than the first ones. I even responded in 1 or 2 of those... Now he's a "wonderful" guy whose actions speak louder than words... yet in other threads, his actions spoke volumes. WTF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MissTrudy Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) OP, you are not painting the full picture here. I remember your other threads on this guy (and just went back and skimmed them to refresh my memory) and you've had a myriad of issues with this man from day one. You've been dating this man for about six-seven months now am I correct? Honestly, he just doesn't seem that into you. I've seen this situation play out on this forum over the years and in real life with women and it just never ends well. It's one thing when you tell someone you love them two-three months into something and they don't respond, but six-seven months in? And from the sounds of your original posting this isn't the first time you said it either so it isn't like he was in shock. Everyone always makes excuses in these situations like "oh he's just shy/quiet" or "he says it with actions" but point blank if someone loves you they tell you unless they have some type of issue with emotional intimacy. You know when I respond "yeah" to I love yous? When I don't love the person. Someone treating you well does not equal the same as loving you. It's just not that simple and I don't think you can say someone loves you just from their actions towards you. I would say he sounds emotionally stunted from this thread and others you've created about him, but I don't think that's quite the case either. I think it's just he isn't that into you and this is going to end poorly for you. I hate to call it that way, but I call them like I see them. I truly appreciate your perspective heartshaped, and I see that reading my previous threads here help you come to that conclusion. I am not trying to say things are rosy now between us but we did end up talking between when i wrote those posts and now. things are a lot better. I didn't think those threads were especially relevant (more on that below). I know he's emotionally stunted when it comes to romantic intimacy (and that I overreact prematurely). It took me some time to realize that and I made lots of posts here before that. I'm happy to say that he's getting more vocal about his feelings, and initializes 80% of it these days. We'll have to agree to disagree that he's not into me. I may be more into him, or at least more vocal than him, but I am a true believer in "actions over words" because I am more like that myself. Damn. I hate it when people do that... they post another thread with an entirely different tone than the first ones. I even responded in 1 or 2 of those... Now he's a "wonderful" guy whose actions speak louder than words... yet in other threads, his actions spoke volumes. WTF. Those threads are old. It's not like I posted one two days ago and one three days ago. There's been more than a month in between those threads and this thread. People change. People have conversations. That's what we did in between my threads and we clarified a lot of issues/concerns that I had relating to what was brought up in my two previous threads about him. Sorry (but not really) that I didn't update LS with all of the nuances of how things developed...I was busy living my life, spending time with him before i left and traveling to another country that I didn't have time or a desire to post here about something i didn't need feedback on. I let the threads die and there was no reason to resurrect them for this thread, and I even say in the beginning of this thread (and a later post, in this thread) that he isn't very verbally expressive and we talked about past issues. You are more than welcome to search through my old threads, which is what you did, if you think it will help "to give the best feedback" but i like to keep things brief and relevant and not waste people's time because I don't think my issues are so grave and urgent that they require me to actually link to every single posting about him. ****, I don't have time for that! also "actions speak louder than words" and "actions speak volumes" mean the same thing...whether the actions themselves are good or bad is a different [but irrelevant IMO] component... so i don't know what you're getting at it with that, and i am not sure that you know what you're saying either?!?!? Edited November 1, 2014 by MissTrudy Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 People do change, it's true, but not radically, and not in the space of a month. We're just trying to give you honest feedback and the backstory is as important as this latest chapter because you're talking about the same issue, you're asking teh same question: is he really into me? I've been with a couple of men who acted as if they were, but who would never do the conventional things that meant they loved me, ie. saying it out loud, taking you to family events, etc etc. There are many typical thigns that people do to show the other person, and everyone else, that they are serious about them. These conventional acts are very powerful things, because they form a kind of universal set of signs that everyone knows how to read. So to not do them is usually a sign that the person does not want to make that statement, they do not want to send the clear message that they are taking it all very seriously. Why that might be is another question. But don't mistake: he knows exactly what it means to say 'I love you' and if he really felt that way - the way you do -- he probably couldn't stop himself from saying it, at least once. The way you have been bursting to say it. Guard your heart here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 also "actions speak louder than words" and "actions speak volumes" mean the same thing...whether the actions themselves are good or bad is a different [but irrelevant IMO] component... so i don't know what you're getting at it with that, and i am not sure that you know what you're saying either?!?!? I'm sorry if I don't respond to everything you said previous to this, I just don't have time to respond to all of it, because you know, I have things to do like live my life... etc, etc, etc. A month ago, you posted about telling him that you missed him and he went ghost on you. A month later, you tell him that you love him, which is quite the step up in about a month's time, and you get a "yeah"... and you are wondering why? And obviously, you aren't understanding what I said. You said that his actions speak louder than words, and yet, you are judging him based on all of the words he doesn't say to you. Where is the logic in this? Yet, he has a pattern of not expressing his emotions when told or asked for them. So maybe you're the one who needs some understanding to do. The timeline IS important. And for a guy to go from radio silence from an "I miss you" to responding back with "I love you" in less than a month for a non-expressive guy is an astronomical leap. Hopefully now I've spelled it out enough for you to understand. I can use illustrations next time if you'd like too. Link to post Share on other sites
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