How badly did I screw up?

[juanito14]

So just a brief background, my girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months and love each other. I have insecurities from past relationships that lead me to believe that she will just end up leaving me one day and get in my own head. This has affected our relationship, to her it seems like we have another problem every few days. She actually broke up with me because of there was a lot going on in her life and she couldn't add relationship problems.

 

Later that same night she called me late saying that she missed me and wanted me back. I missed her and wanted her back as well so we got back together. That was last friday and it is thursday now. She called me to let me know that she was going to take a nap and then call me to hang out and I let her know that I would appreciate it if she would come over for a little to talk. I realize it was bad timing now, especially since she was just about to take a nap. I told her that I wanted to get rid of the problems we had before our breakup and to become stronger.

 

She said that she cant handle all this stress and that she is just exhausted wit the whole thing. She had no input on it and could tell was just annoyed throughout the entire conversation. She told me relationships aren't supposed to be like this. That I just need to accept our relationship for what it is and not overthink things. She told me this was why we broke up in the first place. I tried letting her know that this was why I wanted to talk about it, so that we could move past it and be stronger than before, but she took it as me bringing up another problem.

 

I told her things would change and she said no they wont. Very negative throughout the whole conversation and kept telling me she was tired and didnt know what to do. She had planned to take a small nap and then call me to hang out and now she doesnt even want to talk to me.

 

I really feel like I ****ed up this time and am hoping she isnt going to end this relationship again because of it. What do you guys think?

Edited October 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Assasda]

I think that you are acting feminine. And that your girlfriend is the most patient girl in the world.

 

She is telling you to stop all this "emotional unstable" crap, and just have fun. and just BE.

 

You come in, and you complicate things, by thinking that you need to "talk" about every little thing that comes up. and you just put pressure on her.

 

She's telling you, not to shower her with your emotional baggage and just leave her be. Act masculine, so that she can get more in her feminine.

I hope you take this constructively

[juanito14]

I am thank you for that advice, I'm just worried that she may have reached her peak level of patience and it's too late for me. I'm just letting her be right now and hoping she cools off and gives me another chance to show her I can be different, but what if I don't get another chance?

[umirano]

what if I don't get another chance?

 

Nothing man, nothing at all will happen. I buried my dad today. I had a BU about six months ago with the woman who I thought was the love of my life and who told me I'm her love of her life several times. I'm still alive. Very much so. Losing people sucks in the moment. But it's what happens every goddamn week of our lives. People come and go. But you survive, so much I know.

 

Look, if you guys can't function together you'll just be fine after a BU. Better happy single than unhappy in a RS.

[Tayken]

I have insecurities from past relationships that lead me to believe that she will just end up leaving me one day and get in my own head.

 

Did you take time to heal from the past relationships before you met this current girl? You will have to work on your past demons before you can honestly be ready to be with someone else.

[juanito14]

I felt like I took enough time off. There was no baggage when we started going out, but the past 2 gfs I've had both cheated and lied to me and when it was over tried to make me feel I led them to do those things. That may have stuck with me, but I felt I gave my new gf a clean slate.

[Tayken]

What is "enough time"...a couple of months? If the relationships were long term, then you should have taken a year or two, anything less is just a rebound.

[juanito14]

By a long time I meant at least a year and a half if not two years since my last one. It's been so long I honestly can't even remember

[Tayken]

You are obviously not ready to date by your own admission.

[juanito14]

I was taking this relationship too seriously, I'll admit that, but I wouldn't say Im not ready. I'm just wanted to hear how badly I messed up with this. I know I have to sac up and be a man if I get another chance, but have no idea if i'll even get that. I want to tell her that I know how patient she's been and am gonna cut out the emotional insecurity bs, but I feel it would be best to give her space right now.

Edited October 31, 2014 by juanito14

[Tayken]

but I feel it would be best to give her space right now.

 

Wise decision and that should give you time to get a hobby and occupy your mind with something else.

[Assasda]

I was taking this relationship too seriously, I'll admit that, but I wouldn't say Im not ready. I'm just wanted to hear how badly I messed up with this. I know I have to sac up and be a man if I get another chance, but have no idea if i'll even get that. I want to tell her that I know how patient she's been and am gonna cut out the emotional insecurity bs, but I feel it would be best to give her space right now.

 

hahaha. I get what youre trying to say.

But TELLING her that youre going to cut out the emotional insecurity BS, adds to the problem. Dont tell her anything.

Show more with your actions rather than talking.

- Sometimes us dudes can talk our own damn self out of a good thing. We gotta learn to be quiet more.

 

Good luck man

[juanito14]

Thanks, yeah I ended up staying quiet and she texted me after about 4 hours. She is willing to keep this relationship alive and to be mature enough to know that she loves me and more confident in myself and I told her I understood and would show her rather than tell her what will be different. She then invited me to the library where we had already planned on hanging out. I could tell she was still annoyed though and didn't say very much. The few conversations we did have I started. I couldn't tell if she was annoyed by her homework or me though so I wanted to give her space to actually do her homework and did mine. We ended up being there for about an hour and a half and then went home. I got a quick kiss and hug goodbye and that was it. She hasn't texted me or anything since, but I feel it's best I give her that space and let her choose when she wants to talk.

Edited October 31, 2014 by juanito14

[Haerts]

And did you text her after you guys met? Well, you could just send her a text saying you had a great time at the library, that you're sorry about what happened and you understand if she's upset, so you'll give her time to think through things. Make sure she knows it's not your intention to be like that, say it's hard for you, but that you're trying your best. She seems to want to keep on trying, so she'll probably understand and admire what you did. Well, at least I would.

[juanito14]

I didn't text her after, it's been about an hour since we both got to our homes and nothing so far. I'm thinking about texting her, but one of her problems with me was that she thought I required her to be texting me all the time. I really don't want to overdo it, especially right now after we are just trying to get over this. She felt that we were already acting like a married couple. You think it would be best to give her space and let her text me first, or to text her something? I let her know I was sorry about how things went earlier today as we were leaving. Maybe send her something like 'Hi babe I know youre probably still a little annoyed right now but Im happy I still got to see you today"

Edited October 31, 2014 by juanito14

[Haerts]

If I were you, I would! One single text can't kill anyone; actually, if she cares, she will be happy to know you're thinking about it. In your way, mention how you had a good time with her, that it was good to see her and that you're sorry about what you did. Make sure you mention that you're trying, that you like her and you want everything to be okay. You could also mention that you'll give her time to think through things. Meanwhile, go watch a movie, a TV show, read a book, anything... keep your mind occupied, so you don't go every second staring at the cellphone.

[juanito14]

I just texted her telling her that i know she is still a little annoyed right now and having the homework she did probably didnt help, but I was happy I saw her tonight and I was sorry I put her through that. All i got as a response was 'thanks' what should i do?

[Assasda]

Dude you shouldnt have texted her anything.

This is the type of thing she's trying to avoid. Trust me.

 

If its not anything fun, or constructive. Dont text her

[CoolKids]

Dude you shouldnt have texted her anything.

This is the type of thing she's trying to avoid. Trust me.

 

If its not anything fun, or constructive. Dont text her

 

I don't think OP realizes what his girl is saying.

 

Dude, she doesn't want to be serious with you. Her words are making that clear. Do you not see the big neon sign flashing?

 

She is asking you to be laid back. That's probably because she's looking for a way out. I may not be an expert on this, but a serious girlfriend would have wanted to talk.

 

She doesn't seem serious. If I were you, I'd either just lay back and enjoy the remainder of the relationship, or, if you must have something serious, dump her and move on.

 

Either way your level of caring is clearly unequal with each other and that's never a good thing. That's the main problem here.

[umirano]

I just texted her telling her that i know she is still a little annoyed right now and having the homework she did probably didnt help, but I was happy I saw her tonight and I was sorry I put her through that. All i got as a response was 'thanks' what should i do?

 

You should have gone with your first text. It was much more to the point and much more confident.

[umirano]

I

She is asking you to be laid back. That's probably because she's looking for a way out. I may not be an expert on this, but a serious girlfriend would have wanted to talk.

 

She doesn't seem serious. If I were you, I'd either just lay back and enjoy the remainder of the relationship, or, if you must have something serious, dump her and move on.

 

I disagree. At some point people are just fed up with the bickering / fights, even though they care deep inside. But fighting is tiring. That's why in general you should keep your texts short and to the point. And Face2Face >> texting. Forget texting. It's all right to set up a date over text. But no emotions can be conveyed correctly over text. Especially when after lots of fights both sides are walking on egg shells.

[juanito14]

She ended up texting me again after that and we were just talking about the clipper game for a little before she said good night and she loves me. Before though when we were talking about it I told her I knew I was taking things way too seriously and she said the relationship is still serious though she just doesn't want to feel like a married couple. I know she's been up for the past two hours now and usually always texts me good morning, even after a fight, but not today. I didn't realize it got so bad, I feel like she's just over it at this point even though she says she still cares and loves me. I also know I'm doing exactly what she said she wanted me to stop doing right now which is read too much into things. Should I just wait a few hours and text her good morning or leave it alone. I want to show her things will be different this time but it's difficult if she doesn't give me a chance by giving me the cold shoulder. I've never seen her back off so fast and make it seem so easily. I'm trying to play it cool, but at the same time I don't know where she's going with this

Edited October 31, 2014 by juanito14

[Zahara]

I felt like I took enough time off. There was no baggage when we started going out, but the past 2 gfs I've had both cheated and lied to me and when it was over tried to make me feel I led them to do those things. That may have stuck with me, but I felt I gave my new gf a clean slate.

 

"I have insecurities from past relationships that lead me to believe that she will just end up leaving me one day and get in my own head."

 

I have to question your "clean slate" -- insecurities are not easy to hide. The fact that you said that you were fearful of her leaving you one day is an indication that you probably showed signs of being needy, paranoid and insecure.

[Redhead14]

So just a brief background, my girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months and love each other. I have insecurities from past relationships that lead me to believe that she will just end up leaving me one day and get in my own head. This has affected our relationship, to her it seems like we have another problem every few days. She actually broke up with me because of there was a lot going on in her life and she couldn't add relationship problems.

 

Later that same night she called me late saying that she missed me and wanted me back. I missed her and wanted her back as well so we got back together. That was last friday and it is thursday now. She called me to let me know that she was going to take a nap and then call me to hang out and I let her know that I would appreciate it if she would come over for a little to talk. I realize it was bad timing now, especially since she was just about to take a nap. I told her that I wanted to get rid of the problems we had before our breakup and to become stronger.

 

She said that she cant handle all this stress and that she is just exhausted wit the whole thing. She had no input on it and could tell was just annoyed throughout the entire conversation. She told me relationships aren't supposed to be like this. That I just need to accept our relationship for what it is and not overthink things. She told me this was why we broke up in the first place. I tried letting her know that this was why I wanted to talk about it, so that we could move past it and be stronger than before, but she took it as me bringing up another problem.

 

I told her things would change and she said no they wont. Very negative throughout the whole conversation and kept telling me she was tired and didnt know what to do. She had planned to take a small nap and then call me to hang out and now she doesnt even want to talk to me.

 

I really feel like I ****ed up this time and am hoping she isnt going to end this relationship again because of it. What do you guys think?

 

You guys broke up and later that night she missed you and you missed her. Of course, you did. This is what happens so often. People break up and fail to step back and deal with the break up. You will miss her and she will miss you, that's what happens when you break up.

 

Now, in a moment of weakness, you guys decided to "try" again. You started immediately trying to address those issues which caused you to break up and when she was tired. But, basically, you already began reverting to the behaviors that pushed you two apart in the first place.

 

There may be two things here: A) she wanted you to come over for a little talk -- perhaps that talk was going to be about a final break up and maybe she was on the fence about it. B) now that you've pushed the issue already, now she's fallen off the fence on opposite side you are on. If you are actually going to stay together, don't talk about those issues right away. Spend some time just enjoying each others company for a bit.

 

Leave all of this alone for a while. Wait until she calls you and deal with whatever it is then. If she doesn't call you, leave it alone and move on. Take some time to process it. Don't call her, text her, email her. Be strong and maintain your dignity.

 

If she extends an olive branch, you go out with her on a date in a public place and start over. You already know what the issues are that you need to fix for yourself and she knows what she needs to do. Start doing those things and demonstrate your conviction for making the relationship better. If she gives you that opportunity and actually sees changes, all good. But, think about this, are the things you need to "work" on things that you can change and want to change? If you start doing them and can't maintain it, you will fail again. Lot's of times people will say, hey, OK, I'll stop being "insert issue". They do it for a while and then revert to the old ways when things feel comfortable again.

Edited October 31, 2014 by Redhead14

[juanito14]

I'm just playing it more cool. I guess even using this site as my way to cool down before I make any moves. I did tell her good morning and happy halloween, and she ended up texting me like she normally does. Telling me good morning baby and letting me know a little about her day. And I made a comment about halloween and how we didn't have any costumes and she just said 'lol ya exactly' I'm not gonna respond to that and see what she does. I'm just having trouble reading her right now.