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my boyfriend downloaded tinder?


Kassie12

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My boyfriend and I have been having issues since back in February (you can probably read my previous post). The issues have mostly been him lying to me about his past, and watching too much porn that led to him having erectile dysfunction and leaving me to feel insecure, unwanted, etc. I forgave him for that, and although I admit I did make a lot of mistakes (putting him down because of my frustration and hurt), I always took him back. Even when he slipped up while trying to recover, he lied to me about it and I still forgave him.

 

I know porn is porn, but when it affects a relationship, it needs to stop. That part of the relationship has been (mostly) resolved, after about 8 months. Now, there is another issue.

 

I found out recently that he downloaded Tinder about 2 months ago, and he has a profile set up on it. I confronted him about it, and he denied it at first. And then he told me he didnt set up the profile, that facebook can be linked right onto it and that's what happened. He told me he was just "curious." And yet, I found his settings - he was specifically looking for 18-40 year olds, within a certain distance from him. So yes, he did use it. I don't know to what extent. He told me he deleted it right after, because he knew what he was doing was wrong.

 

A bit of history: He used to go on dating websites and that's how he met his ex. He is addicted to women, literally - his porn addiction made us have problems but on top of that, he used to follow over 100 close-to-nude models on instagram.

 

I asked him why he downloaded it, then he turned it on me. He started sayign how he didn't cheat, because he didn't like any pictures and didn't talk to any girls, and that he didn't know "not talking to girls is cheating" - essentially, trying to place the blame on me.

 

He started crying and apologizing and saying how he cant lose me and how he didnt do anything wrong.

 

We've been having issues, especially trust issues, for so long, and then this happens, just when we're starting to get better.

 

 

he does love me, i know he does. he is a really good guy and i know it. But is this a red flag? the fact that he downloaded a dating app, and was trying to use it (i dont know if i believe that he didnt use it)? am i over analyzing this?

 

 

We've been having so much issues for so long, that I don't know what is worth fighting about anymore. Is this a real issue, or am I blowing it out of proportion?

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I don't know why you'd tolerate all of this.

 

People end marriages over issues such as these and you're going through all of this for a boyfriend?

 

I would run not walk away before this foolishness continues any further.

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There's no way I can tell you if he used it or not, but I can tell you that 18-40 and within a certain distance is (at least for guys of a certain age) the default setting that tinder sets up for you. So it is possible, although perhaps unlikely, he didn't actually use it.

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I'm with heartshaped and LadyLuck. Why do you put up with obvious lies and being treated like a fool? You need to wake up and smell the coffee. This guy is not trustworthy and is playing you like a fiddle. Ditch him.

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Ruby Slippers

You don't have to deal with all this crap with a decent guy. The porn and half-naked model stuff is bad enough, but now he's created a profile on a hookup app? That goes way too far. And you already know he's capable of lying to you and it's caused problems before? Those women are not just pictures - he could easily arrange a hookup meeting with one of them. Maybe he already did.

 

I would be glad he revealed all this to me before I married him and ended up getting cheated on.

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the thing is, he treats me good. he just does things on the internet and i dont know if im making it a big deal or not. i mean, our old problem - porn is porn right? everyone told me porn is nothing, even though it stopped him from being intimate with me for a while. he stopped watchin it though..for me.

 

everytime i try to leave him, he starts crying and begging me to stay. he doesnt talk to any girls. i admit ive pryed through his history and such (due to trust issues) and i know he doesnt talk to other women.

 

when this tinder thing happened, he said he deleted it after. then he tried to make it up to me. hes broke, but he said i can have everything he has - he gave me his credit cards and told me i could do whatever. mind you, hes not rich. and i obviously didnt do anything with it, but it shows hes still willing to give me everything. thats what i telll myself.

 

i keep wondering if im the one making everything a big deal, or if hes really at fault.

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He has an addiction. If you want to stay in a relationship with an addict (and it is very difficult as I was married to one for 13 years, but in the end her addictions including to other inappropriate relationships fueled the end of our marriage.) It will take a lot of work. Does he want to go to addiction support groups? There are many. Celebrate Recovery sometimes has specific small groups for sexual purity for men. It deals with all types of addictions though. You could go as well as a support person. I've done that with both my former wife and a good friend of mine who was seeking out relationships outside his marriage also online.

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No, he keeps misbehaving and you keep on forgiving him because he sheds a few tears and makes empty promises. But he never learns or changes, because he knows he can just keep on getting away with it again and again, and within a short time he's at it again with something different.

 

First time shame on him. Second time shame on you. Third time? 4th? 5th?

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He's crying and apologizing because he got caught when his little fantasy was to have you and get something vicarious going on the side as well. You didn't say how old he is, but given his date range being up to 40, I don't think it can be excused as "exploration" or "curiosity" being preoccupied with porn and looking for hookups on Tinder. He's one of many who would do this if they could keep from getting caught. You have to decide if you can live with it or not. You can't stop him by monitoring everything because then what is it worth. At that point, you only become his mommy and that makes him want to find outside sex even worse. Sorry this is happening to you. I don't see how people can't have a conscience about hurting the ones who love them, but I've seen it over and over. I just think the ones who do that don't have that much empathy for others and care way more about their own happiness than anyone else's.

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He's crying and apologizing because he got caught when his little fantasy was to have you and get something vicarious going on the side as well. You didn't say how old he is, but given his date range being up to 40, I don't think it can be excused as "exploration" or "curiosity" being preoccupied with porn and looking for hookups on Tinder. He's one of many who would do this if they could keep from getting caught. You have to decide if you can live with it or not. You can't stop him by monitoring everything because then what is it worth. At that point, you only become his mommy and that makes him want to find outside sex even worse. Sorry this is happening to you. I don't see how people can't have a conscience about hurting the ones who love them, but I've seen it over and over. I just think the ones who do that don't have that much empathy for others and care way more about their own happiness than anyone else's.

 

 

he is 24 years old. so noone thinks he can change? or perhaps this relationship can be salvaged?

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he asked me for one last chance last night. im thinking maybe to give him a fair chance to fix everything. i keep thinking he didnt really do anything wrong...buta part of me is telling me im so dumb for thinking that.

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he is 24 years old. so noone thinks he can change? or perhaps this relationship can be salvaged?

You are not the exception, you will not change him and he will never change while you sit around "loving him sooooooo much".

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normal person

 

everytime i try to leave him, he starts crying and begging me to stay. he doesnt talk to any girls. i admit ive pryed through his history and such (due to trust issues) and i know he doesnt talk to other women.

 

One thing I can't get over: What the **** would he download it for if he had no intentions of using it? Saying "I never use it and I never was going to" isn't an excuse. He didn't download it for nothing. He watches porn to satisfy himself, that porn's purpose and I understand that. But the purpose of Tinder is to talk with and meet people. Why would he have it if he wasn't going to use it or at least think that he might want to in the near future? Who cares if the default settings are set and he hasn't used it yet? Is that an excuse for having it? If he makes you feel bad about questioning him about, get rid of him. You don't need someone like that.

 

when this tinder thing happened, he said he deleted it after. then he tried to make it up to me. hes broke, but he said i can have everything he has - he gave me his credit cards and told me i could do whatever. mind you, hes not rich. and i obviously didnt do anything with it, but it shows hes still willing to give me everything. thats what i telll myself.

 

In some strange act to show you how much you guys can trust each other he gave you access to accounts with absolutely no money in them? I wouldn't be very swayed. "You can have my entire net worth! It's $5."

 

If he had thousands of dollars to use as some weird collateral (I still don't really know what the purpose of giving you his cards/money was, to be honest), then I might look at it differently.

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the thing is, he treats me good. he just does things on the internet and i dont know if im making it a big deal or not. i mean, our old problem - porn is porn right? everyone told me porn is nothing, even though it stopped him from being intimate with me for a while. he stopped watchin it though..for me.

 

If he puts himself in a position where he is able to access hooking up with women (Tinder) then he doesn't treat you well.

 

It's that simple.

 

It's like letting a serial killer get away with chopping someone's leg off or arson, because they didn't actually kill anyone. Ok, bit of an extreme comparison but I think it illustrate's what I'm getting at.

 

Cut yourself free from this douchebag.

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he asked me for one last chance last night. im thinking maybe to give him a fair chance to fix everything. i keep thinking he didnt really do anything wrong...buta part of me is telling me im so dumb for thinking that.

 

"We've been having so much issues for so long, that I don't know what is worth fighting about anymore."

 

Yes, it's absolutely insane to revisit another round of self-destruction. I am not sure what you get out of this relationship.

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he is 24 years old. so noone thinks he can change? or perhaps this relationship can be salvaged?

 

He probably could change, but if he has an addiction or compulsion, he's going to need professional help, and most of all he's going to WANT to get help.

 

You alone cannot change him. Not your love for him or giving him more chances. It's up to you to decide if this is something you want to deal with—but only if he's willing to do the hard work, of course. If you have any hope of salvaging this relationship, now is the time to draw CLEAR boundaries and to stick to them. If he knows you're serious, and is invested, he'll comply. If not, there's your answer.

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You are 20 years old.

 

What a shame.

 

It is so so sad to see young women like you accepting this type of sh!.t in their life over and over again.

 

He is not worth another chance. He is a liar and a damn good actor with his crying. He gave you his credit card? meh...it was to shut you up and it worked. He has no respect for you and your relationship. His tears are like laughter in your face.

 

If you had a daughter you'd wish her a boyfriend like yours?

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He's never going to change as long as he can get someone like you to believe his lame lies and forgive him which only enables him to keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

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HeartbrokenNewbie

Downloading tinder is not good!! But I don't understand the problem with porn it's just fantasy x Im a girl & I've never had a problem with my men watching porn.. It seems to cause so many unnecessary arguments it's just basically wanking material no reflection on their wives or GFs x

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One thing I can't get over: What the **** would he download it for if he had no intentions of using it? Saying "I never use it and I never was going to" isn't an excuse. He didn't download it for nothing. He watches porn to satisfy himself, that porn's purpose and I understand that. But the purpose of Tinder is to talk with and meet people. Why would he have it if he wasn't going to use it or at least think that he might want to in the near future? Who cares if the default settings are set and he hasn't used it yet? Is that an excuse for having it? If he makes you feel bad about questioning him about, get rid of him. You don't need someone like that.

 

 

 

In some strange act to show you how much you guys can trust each other he gave you access to accounts with absolutely no money in them? I wouldn't be very swayed. "You can have my entire net worth! It's $5."

 

If he had thousands of dollars to use as some weird collateral (I still don't really know what the purpose of giving you his cards/money was, to be honest), then I might look at it differently.

 

He still has money in his credit cards which I could use as a cash advance. I can take as much as $5000 from it maybe more. I know I would never do it, but why would you do that to someone youre not serious about, esp if he doesnt make a lot of money and hes very stingy and cheap with money?

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You are 20 years old.

 

What a shame.

 

It is so so sad to see young women like you accepting this type of sh!.t in their life over and over again.

 

He is not worth another chance. He is a liar and a damn good actor with his crying. He gave you his credit card? meh...it was to shut you up and it worked. He has no respect for you and your relationship. His tears are like laughter in your face.

 

If you had a daughter you'd wish her a boyfriend like yours?

 

Yes I am 20 years old. If it helps any, I dont have family as my mom passed away just a couple of years ago. Hes been my rock for two years. I dont have many close friends, just him. Im in university full time and ive dealt with a lot of hardships and I just want someone to be there for me now, and right now theres only him.

 

Not to say im just staying with him for company, because i do love him, but i am fully on my own and being more alone than i already am is going to be very hard.

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If I had a girlfriend who I liked, who was good to me and treated me well like you do with him, I wouldn't feel the need to download Tinder or any other online dating app. Face reality, he's not into you anymore. Cut the ties before he does what we all know he's going to do.

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Yes I am 20 years old. If it helps any, I dont have family as my mom passed away just a couple of years ago. Hes been my rock for two years. I dont have many close friends, just him. Im in university full time and ive dealt with a lot of hardships and I just want someone to be there for me now, and right now theres only him.

 

Not to say im just staying with him for company, because i do love him, but i am fully on my own and being more alone than i already am is going to be very hard.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. That sounds very difficult.

 

The thing is, he's not "there" for you. He shows incredibly poor judgment and impulse control. Whether he downloaded Tinder because he wanted to hook up, or because that's how he responds to stress, either way that's bad, right? And offering to give you money he doesn't have is just another sign of poor financial management and decision-making.

 

Basically, you're not ready to let him go yet because you feel alone and you think he's the best you can do. That's not true, of course. Eventually I think you will see it - you're just not ready yet. Keep your eyes open to his actions, not his words (which are empty) and eventually you'll see that the best way for you to heal is to move on from him. I wish you the best.

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