Great date..bad ending, can I fix this?

[VSgirl]

A little while ago I started talking to a guy on a dating site. I messaged him because he seemed nice and different then other guys I've talked to. We really seemed to hit it off. He always initiated the messages after that...first through the site, then texting. He's a busy guy with two jobs, I also currently work two jobs but we made time to talk. One night he even called me on the phone and we talked for hours despite having work/other commitments in the morning.

 

He seemed like a true nice guy often making cute and romantic comments and he definitely specified he wanted a relationship. He also mentioned early on that he wanted to be good friends first to solidify the relationship and not rush into things. He also knows I don't move fast with sex and has talked about showing respect in all those matters. At any rate, after the long phone call, he seemed very eager to meet me and we pushed up our meeting by a week. He lives about 30 minutes from me and was willing to drive here Sunday night after working a double shift and then having to work again in the morning.

I dressed up and was very excited for the date.

 

He came and picked me up at my house that night. He was wearing a clothing item I mentioned I liked on a guy. We went to a breakfast, held hands across the table and kept smiling, laughing and having fun with eachother. He even came and sat on my side of the booth after awhile and had his arm around me..kissing my hand etc. We talked about all kinds of things from playing video games together to family and friends. We stayed until the place closed and he nicely tipped and paid for everything after making friends with our server.

 

Once we got back to the car, he was kissing me and said he'd like to continue the evening. Since it was late (1am or so), not many places were open and I currently live at home and didn't want to bring in a guy so late, we opted for staying in his car outside my house. Initially we were talking and kissing some. I was very much enjoying things as it seemed to be going so well and this guy really made me feel at ease. I was not paying attention to time or anything else, just was in the moment. We'd both made some sweet comments and shared some personal details...and also made plans for the following evening.

 

After awhile (i'm still not sure exactly what time it was), the guy mentioned he needed to be heading home. I knew it was very late and he had to work, but I asked if he could stay for a couple more minutes. We started kissing again and then he eventually said he really had to go and seemed a bit cranky/harsh about it. I got the message, but felt a little alarmed almost like he was mad and i'd really messed up something. I was also tired because we'd been up late talking the previous night.

 

I got very nervous and was getting my stuff ready but felt like his eyes were really watching me. He kissed me goodbye and told me to dream of him. I apologized for keeping him and for some reason apologized more than once.I also let a tear slip from my eye out of frustration for letting the date end this way but he just wiped it away and kissed me again. In this time frame i'd also mentioned that if he didn't want to hang out the next day i understood. he still reassured me things were fine and he'd text me when he got home. He even reached for my hand and squeezed it when I got out of the car.

 

He did text me when he got home (4:30am or so) and I just sent him a text back that said "Glad you got home. Had fun tonight. thank you for everything". I didn't hear back but figured he went to bed. So I waited to hear that morning and afternoon (Monday) but heard nothing. I normally don't text him first, but just sent a message that said "hope you are having a good day ttys". He's always responded to my texts...heard nothing Monday. I realized how clingy I'd acted at the end of our date Sunday and figured it was definitely a bad way to end the evening, but hopefully I could prove I wasn't normally that way.

 

By Tuesday morning I hadn't heard anything so I sent another text (out of character for me but I really like this guy). I just said something about "Hey when you get a chance can you please let me know how things are going". I heard back about an hour later.

 

He apologized about not getting back to me on Monday..said he was slammed at work and dealing with a personal matter he didn't want to talk about. He said he had a wonderful time meeting me but that things went too fast at the end of the evening (not physically, in general). He said he felt like we needed to take a step back. He said it didnt mean he didn't want to see me, but for us to continue to get to know eachother to see if we could be friends first before rushing into this and was that ok with me.

 

I sent a text making sure I was understanding what he was saying right. He wrote back saying he stayed late because he felt that if he left any earlier that I wouldve thought he didnt want to be with me. He also said it kinda freaked him out when I did all that stuff saying goodbye..the tear, packing up my stuff, the stuff about I understood if he made other plans etc. He said "where the hell did that come from" and that he was trying to comfort me but I pushed him away because i was "too attached". He said I overthought everything and that it made it hard to understand.So that's why he wanted to get to know me even better but as friends first. He said i'm not going to go and find someone else. Working two jobs takes up every day and he hardly has free time as it is. He also clarified he meant friends before dating, not platonic. I said ok lets take it slow.

 

That was this Tuesday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I know I acted extremely clingy and that could scare off a lots of guys. I'm working to correct this behavior. I really need advice as I want another chance with this guy if possible. Do you think this was a blowoff or that I will hear from this guy within the next few days? I know I acted very foolish and overboard, but he acted overboard as well leading up to this and even during the early parts of the date. Do you think he is sorting out his feelings?

Edited October 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mascara]

Ouch. The best thing you can do now is back RIGHT off. Don't start thinking about sending him a text to convince him you're not clingy, or because you've convinced yourself that he might be waiting to hear from you.

 

Actions are what will speak to him. You can't tell him you're not like that, you have to show him. And that means not contacting him again. If he wants to see you, he'll be in touch.

[VSgirl]

Thank you for responding. I will back off and not contact him first. I also wondered how to act if he contacts me. Just kind of follow his lead..but end conversations and dates first myself?

[Mascara]

Yes, just be light. Plan something after the date so you have a reason to get away at a certain time. Don't drag it out until he is physically trying to leave. And if he doesn't call, adopt that approach with any future dates.

[VSgirl]

Thank you! Good advice for sure. Honestly, do you think I'll hear him? If so, what about the friends before dating again part? Personally it seems weird to just go back to being friends part

[Mascara]

Personally - and not being mean, just honest - I don't think you'll hear from him. I'm trying to imagine how I'd react if I was on a date and the guy was like you were. I don't think I'd contact him again. I did have a few who were like that before the first meeting even, and I bailed.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. Just put it down to a learning curve and find another date. Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

VS girl.. you didn't do anything wrong.. so be easier on yourself than you are being, dating is about finding out who you are compatible with and it has to go both ways..

 

While you might have teared up on the first date he also snapped at you on the first date, you don't own any of his reactions to what you did, he does...

 

If after a first date he is saying it went too fast, it needs to slow down and you guys weren't naked then it wasn't meant to be.. he could have issues as well so let's not think you did something you can fix.

 

Honestly.. it seems like the guy has something else going on in his life.. maybe working too many hours, multi dating.. something.. because anytime I was dating someone who I liked and turned me on, my reaction wasn't anger to her wanting to spend more time with me.

 

Don't text him any more and if he texts you don't apologize for anything more at this point..just move the conversation forward

[martaldn]

I agree with some of the above.. I think you shouldnt be too hard on yourself about what happened.

at the end of the day this guy is just a stranger and you only met him once.

if he doesnt contact you its his loss not yours.

only one thing from a woman of a certain age () and naturally very passionate/emotional- guys run away from tears because they cant handle that kind of situation especially from someone they just met.

try to look strong in front of them and sure of yourself they like the challenge of a woman with balls.. at least until you are both sure you want to be together... you will spare yourself lot of pain and possible rejections.

best of luck to you

[writergal]

There's some excellent advice here, OP. I don't think you and this guy are that compatible. If you were, he wouldn't have given you the "let's just be friends and take it slow" speech that guys give when they've lost interest in a woman. And personally, if a guy said that to me after a first date, I'd be like "forget that!" and forget him. I'd put myself back out there and keep dating until I find a guy who has no hesitation (or excuses!!) and wants to date me without any "issues" pending.

 

Even if he contacts you again, I doubt his interest level in you is that high. Chalk it up to a learning experience, and put yourself back out there and go date some more guys. I know it hurts when these things happen, but the right guy won't do this to you.

[Redhead14]

A little while ago I started talking to a guy on a dating site. I messaged him because he seemed nice and different then other guys I've talked to. We really seemed to hit it off. He always initiated the messages after that...first through the site, then texting. He's a busy guy with two jobs, I also currently work two jobs but we made time to talk. One night he even called me on the phone and we talked for hours despite having work/other commitments in the morning.

 

He seemed like a true nice guy often making cute and romantic comments and he definitely specified he wanted a relationship. He also mentioned early on that he wanted to be good friends first to solidify the relationship and not rush into things. He also knows I don't move fast with sex and has talked about showing respect in all those matters. At any rate, after the long phone call, he seemed very eager to meet me and we pushed up our meeting by a week. He lives about 30 minutes from me and was willing to drive here Sunday night after working a double shift and then having to work again in the morning.

I dressed up and was very excited for the date.

 

He came and picked me up at my house that night. He was wearing a clothing item I mentioned I liked on a guy. We went to a breakfast, held hands across the table and kept smiling, laughing and having fun with eachother. He even came and sat on my side of the booth after awhile and had his arm around me..kissing my hand etc. We talked about all kinds of things from playing video games together to family and friends. We stayed until the place closed and he nicely tipped and paid for everything after making friends with our server.

 

Once we got back to the car, he was kissing me and said he'd like to continue the evening. Since it was late (1am or so), not many places were open and I currently live at home and didn't want to bring in a guy so late, we opted for staying in his car outside my house. Initially we were talking and kissing some. I was very much enjoying things as it seemed to be going so well and this guy really made me feel at ease. I was not paying attention to time or anything else, just was in the moment. We'd both made some sweet comments and shared some personal details...and also made plans for the following evening.

 

After awhile (i'm still not sure exactly what time it was), the guy mentioned he needed to be heading home. I knew it was very late and he had to work, but I asked if he could stay for a couple more minutes. We started kissing again and then he eventually said he really had to go and seemed a bit cranky/harsh about it. I got the message, but felt a little alarmed almost like he was mad and i'd really messed up something. I was also tired because we'd been up late talking the previous night.

 

I got very nervous and was getting my stuff ready but felt like his eyes were really watching me. He kissed me goodbye and told me to dream of him. I apologized for keeping him and for some reason apologized more than once.I also let a tear slip from my eye out of frustration for letting the date end this way but he just wiped it away and kissed me again. In this time frame i'd also mentioned that if he didn't want to hang out the next day i understood. he still reassured me things were fine and he'd text me when he got home. He even reached for my hand and squeezed it when I got out of the car.

 

He did text me when he got home (4:30am or so) and I just sent him a text back that said "Glad you got home. Had fun tonight. thank you for everything". I didn't hear back but figured he went to bed. So I waited to hear that morning and afternoon (Monday) but heard nothing. I normally don't text him first, but just sent a message that said "hope you are having a good day ttys". He's always responded to my texts...heard nothing Monday. I realized how clingy I'd acted at the end of our date Sunday and figured it was definitely a bad way to end the evening, but hopefully I could prove I wasn't normally that way.

 

By Tuesday morning I hadn't heard anything so I sent another text (out of character for me but I really like this guy). I just said something about "Hey when you get a chance can you please let me know how things are going". I heard back about an hour later.

 

He apologized about not getting back to me on Monday..said he was slammed at work and dealing with a personal matter he didn't want to talk about. He said he had a wonderful time meeting me but that things went too fast at the end of the evening (not physically, in general). He said he felt like we needed to take a step back. He said it didnt mean he didn't want to see me, but for us to continue to get to know eachother to see if we could be friends first before rushing into this and was that ok with me.

 

I sent a text making sure I was understanding what he was saying right. He wrote back saying he stayed late because he felt that if he left any earlier that I wouldve thought he didnt want to be with me. He also said it kinda freaked him out when I did all that stuff saying goodbye..the tear, packing up my stuff, the stuff about I understood if he made other plans etc. He said "where the hell did that come from" and that he was trying to comfort me but I pushed him away because i was "too attached". He said I overthought everything and that it made it hard to understand.So that's why he wanted to get to know me even better but as friends first. He said i'm not going to go and find someone else. Working two jobs takes up every day and he hardly has free time as it is. He also clarified he meant friends before dating, not platonic. I said ok lets take it slow.

 

That was this Tuesday morning and I haven't heard from him since. I know I acted extremely clingy and that could scare off a lots of guys. I'm working to correct this behavior. I really need advice as I want another chance with this guy if possible. Do you think this was a blowoff or that I will hear from this guy within the next few days? I know I acted very foolish and overboard, but he acted overboard as well leading up to this and even during the early parts of the date. Do you think he is sorting out his feelings?

 

The man wanted to have sex with you on the first date. It didn't happen and when he said he wanted to go home, you pressed him to stay and teased him. On top of that, it was late and he probably was tired and now disappointed as well. I'm not saying you should have had sex with him, but you should have just ended the first date with a nice kiss and hug because you did like him but not go further than that. And, you getting clingy on a first date, especially since a second date had already been secured, would be confusing for sure to a guy. If a woman were to be clingy on a first date when a second one hadn't been secured, is remotely understandable. IN other words, if he hadn't arranged another date already and the evening was ending, the woman might get a little worried about it and hang on a little.

 

You had already made arrangements to go out with him again, so stopping there would not have changed your opportunity for a second date.

[losangelena]

He also mentioned early on that he wanted to be good friends first to solidify the relationship and not rush into things.

 

He also knows I don't move fast with sex and has talked about showing respect in all those matters.

 

We went to a breakfast, held hands across the table and kept smiling, laughing and having fun with each other.

 

He even came and sat on my side of the booth after awhile and had his arm around me..kissing my hand etc.

 

Once we got back to the car, he was kissing me and said he'd like to continue the evening. Since it was late (1am or so), not many places were open and I currently live at home and didn't want to bring in a guy so late, we opted for staying in his car outside my house.

 

Just a couple of thoughts about the above statements. I call BS on his stated desire to "not rush into things," especially since he held and kissed your hand on date one. That is the definition of rushing into things.

 

I agree with the above poster about him wanting to have sex that night. "I'd like to continue the evening" is a sure sign of that, which is tricky because you said he knows you take things slow.

 

Sure, maybe tearing up about it wasn't a good idea, but OP, I don't think you did anything "wrong." What this guy says he wants and how he acts don't line up. You don't want to be with someone like that. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Gaeta]

His words did not math his actions for sure and add to that you being overly emotional, you're not going to hear back from him and it's better this way.

 

It's not normal to be tearing up for a man you're having a 1st date with. You need to fix what ever makes you this vulnerable and emotional. This kind of cligniness will turn off non genuine men as well as genuine ones.

[d0nnivain]

I do think you freaked him out. Tearing up over a stranger is over the top.

 

Also for future reference, when you meet men off dating apps / the internet for the 1st date for your own safety meet them in a public place; do hot have them come to your home and do not get in their cars.

 

Since he did respond even after you chased him & made it worse, he may call again but for now the ball is in his court & you can't do anything but wait. If you try to initiate you will drive him further away.

[VSgirl]

I wanted to thank everyone for the feedback. The overwhelming thing I get out of this is that I need to avoid being clingy and putting too much out there on a first date. I now know you need to leave a man wanting to get to know you more and back off and let him come to you. There were a couple things that came to mind that I didn't write in my original post. One was that the next day (or later that morning) after the date, my mom was going to have an upper gi procedure which this guy knew about. I know it was a lot to share early on, but he'd told me personal things about his family. Obviously, that was weighing on me and I know it doesn't excuse anything but I might've been more emotional because of that. I also had a minor toe procedure for myself coming up Tuesday (one day later) so perhaps all the stress was getting to me and I should've waited to meet him until this weekend as originally planned. The other major detail I left out was that during the middle of the time we were in the car..he dropped a bit of a bomb on me. He told me that he and his whole family were planning to move back to their home town this coming summer. That he really hadn't considered staying here and getting his own place or with a roomie..but that I would probably be a factor in the decision. It was like after that the vibe changed and we were both very sappy/lovey dovey mood, weird as it sounds. I don't know if any of this changes anything..but he was "clingy" and a bit overboard as well. I'd love to know even more advice/thoughts if you have any.

[Jules Dash]

His words did not math his actions for sure and add to that you being overly emotional, you're not going to hear back from him and it's better this way.

 

It's not normal to be tearing up for a man you're having a 1st date with. You need to fix what ever makes you this vulnerable and emotional. This kind of cligniness will turn off non genuine men as well as genuine ones.

 

I agree. Honestly, if this happened to me on a first date, I would have been very turned off. I don't think she can turn this around.

[VSgirl]

I hope I have a chance to turn it around. I really feel like this situation has been an eye opener to me. I realized how much I enjoyed spending time with this guy...and how overboard I was even considering some of his similar comments to me. Even if he was acting that way, I should've held back more. If I do hear from him, my behavior will be totally different, while also bringing my good qualities and personality from other conversations into it. I know to be the one to end dates, phone calls, and texting..and to leave someone wanting more.

[Art_Critic]

So on a first date he is writing you into his future about moving away from/with his family and saying you will weigh in on the decision and he has the nerve to tell you things need to slow down, then snaps at you....hahahaha

 

You dodged a very big bullet... pray he doesn't call you.

 

This guy will be a mess in a relationship... and stop thinking you did something wrong and can fix it...it was a first date, keep it in perspective...

[Art_Critic]

holding back more and not showing a tear or not being so clingy would not have changed the outcome of the evening if he was into you..

 

This is one of those oh well moments... shake your head and start looking for another guy...

[Gaeta]

I hope I have a chance to turn it around. I really feel like this situation has been an eye opener to me. I realized how much I enjoyed spending time with this guy...and how overboard I was even considering some of his similar comments to me. Even if he was acting that way, I should've held back more. If I do hear from him, my behavior will be totally different, while also bringing my good qualities and personality from other conversations into it. I know to be the one to end dates, phone calls, and texting..and to leave someone wanting more.

 

VSgirl: You are not in a right place to be dating. It's NOT normal to put so much hope and that much importance in a man you've seen ONCE. You should be shopping for your next prospect right now.

 

I also read your previous post about him dropping a 'bomb' on you about moving away. How is that a 'bomb' in anyway?? You don't know the man, who cares if he moves to Madagascar after your ONE date? Your reaction should have been 'sh!.t that date was a waste of my time'

 

Even if you had personal business going on, being this emotional, this hopeful, this invested in ONE date is NOT normal. You need more emotional stability to be dating.