ColoredBlack Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm still really new to relationships. I was bitter in school and stupidly because of being not having one and then I got one, but I was bitter after the break up, now stupidly so, because she left me for a scumbag drug addict. All of these things have made me a wary person when it comes to dating, but maybe a little too wary. However, I now have a really awesome girl and I love her to death. She is really everything I have ever wanted, but I sadly am getting bad feelings. I dont know if I should be getting them or if I am just overly cautious like always. The problem: We are both in college, but we go to separate colleges. We still get to see each other a lot however. The issue started early in the semester when she met a guy I shall call Mike. Ever since they met in a class she talks about him A LOT. Even says theyre becoming attached at the hip. Now of course I am becoming wary of this guy. A lot of jealousy is starting to pop up even though I do not want it to. She finds Mike hilarious and they surely seem to talk a lot. Almost every time I talk with her she seems to have a story about Mike. They seem to have a lot in common because he is also smart like her. So much so that he wants to be in a competition with her about who can get the better grades and shes competitive and wants to beat him and is mad that she isnt. Well now I have finally met him face to face. Which makes me feel even worse. Not only is he funny and smart but he is fit and just seems like the total package and I cant help but hate how close he is to my GF. I trust her. I really do, but I do not trust this guy at all. Especially after meeting him I just have a bad vibe. However I dont want to be that jealous BF and tell mt gf not to be friends with him or just tell her all my wary jealous feelings about this. Its eating me up tho. Every time she mentions him my stomach just drops now. And with this grade competition theyre only going to get closer because he wants to compare grades with her every weekend in person which I did tell her was extreme and she shouldnt do. Sigh. Am I crazy to feel this way? If so what should I do to not be so crazy? Or if not what should I do to not seem overly jealous? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm still really new to relationships. I was bitter in school and stupidly because of being not having one and then I got one, but I was bitter after the break up, now stupidly so, because she left me for a scumbag drug addict. All of these things have made me a wary person when it comes to dating, but maybe a little too wary. However, I now have a really awesome girl and I love her to death. She is really everything I have ever wanted, but I sadly am getting bad feelings. I dont know if I should be getting them or if I am just overly cautious like always. The problem: We are both in college, but we go to separate colleges. We still get to see each other a lot however. The issue started early in the semester when she met a guy I shall call Mike. Ever since they met in a class she talks about him A LOT. Even says theyre becoming attached at the hip. Now of course I am becoming wary of this guy. A lot of jealousy is starting to pop up even though I do not want it to. She finds Mike hilarious and they surely seem to talk a lot. Almost every time I talk with her she seems to have a story about Mike. They seem to have a lot in common because he is also smart like her. So much so that he wants to be in a competition with her about who can get the better grades and shes competitive and wants to beat him and is mad that she isnt. Well now I have finally met him face to face. Which makes me feel even worse. Not only is he funny and smart but he is fit and just seems like the total package and I cant help but hate how close he is to my GF. I trust her. I really do, but I do not trust this guy at all. Especially after meeting him I just have a bad vibe. However I dont want to be that jealous BF and tell mt gf not to be friends with him or just tell her all my wary jealous feelings about this. Its eating me up tho. Every time she mentions him my stomach just drops now. And with this grade competition theyre only going to get closer because he wants to compare grades with her every weekend in person which I did tell her was extreme and she shouldnt do. Sigh. Am I crazy to feel this way? If so what should I do to not be so crazy? Or if not what should I do to not seem overly jealous? If you don't want to seem overly jealous . . . don't be overly jealous. Jeolousy is not an attractive trait and if you allow it to creep into your relationship unmanaged, you will drive her away. You continue to be who you are and if she is bonded to you enough, she will stay with you. If you sense her pulling away, give her a little space. Then carefully and non-confrontationally address your concerns with her. If she is offhanded with your concerns and isn't considerate of them, then she's probably already preparing to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Well, she's not being secretive so far. She told you about him. She let you meet him. Sometimes you do just find a buddy like that, but of course you're right to assume he may have other intentions. But if you trust her, do not act jealous or it will only give her an excuse to cut you loose whether or not that's where it is headed. I have to assume if she decides to get involved with him, since she has been honest so far, she will let you know. Until then, please just keep doing all the things that made her love you to begin with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColoredBlack Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 I hope you guys are right! It is scary and I hate feeling this way. I am trying my best to not get jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColoredBlack Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Now he is talking to her on facebook. Someone shoot me Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Hello there, sorry to hear you're feeling jealousy - it's not a good feeling! I would say, having experience jealousy with a previous relationship, it's something you have to grab by the horns and kick into touch. Once the seed of jealousy is sewn, it can take over your rational thought process to the point that you are looking for any little tidbit to use as proof that your jealousy is reasonable. Jealousy can be an an unfortunate part of a relationship, it can drive a wedge between you both and ruin what you have. I say, try trusting her until she gives you a damn good reason not to. Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Hello there, sorry to hear you're feeling jealousy - it's not a good feeling! I would say, having experience jealousy with a previous relationship, it's something you have to grab by the horns and kick into touch. Once the seed of jealousy is sewn, it can take over your rational thought process to the point that you are looking for any little tidbit to use as proof that your jealousy is reasonable. Jealousy can be an an unfortunate part of a relationship, it can drive a wedge between you both and ruin what you have. I say, try trusting her until she gives you a damn good reason not to. Actually, in addition, this may sound harsh, but I think all options should be covered. It may be that she in some small way looks up to this guy, or genuinely thinks he's a great person- which you construe as her 'fancying' him. In which case, you could try maintaining a casual exterior if she brings him up instead of feeling jealous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColoredBlack Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Actually, in addition, this may sound harsh, but I think all options should be covered. It may be that she in some small way looks up to this guy, or genuinely thinks he's a great person- which you construe as her 'fancying' him. In which case, you could try maintaining a casual exterior if she brings him up instead of feeling jealous. Luckily I have a good poker face so when she does mention him she cant tell that I'm annoyed. Ive done decent job not showing my jealousy to her. It is just hard tho not seething when IMO the guy is pursuing her. Link to post Share on other sites
soph-walker Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Luckily I have a good poker face so when she does mention him she cant tell that I'm annoyed. Ive done decent job not showing my jealousy to her. It is just hard tho not seething when IMO the guy is pursuing her. It will be hard, but you'll no doubt get used to putting your poker face on. You want to be able to rise above it and remain calm. If he is chasing her, he will eventually get bored once he realises that he's not going to win whatever game he may be playing. Stand strong and don't let someone on the outside of your relationship drive a wedge between you. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Luckily I have a good poker face so when she does mention him she cant tell that I'm annoyed. Ive done decent job not showing my jealousy to her. It is just hard tho not seething when IMO the guy is pursuing her. Even though you think you have your poker face on, there subtle ways that these kinds of negative emotions come through and that can be sensed by another person especially if you are close. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColoredBlack Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Even though you think you have your poker face on, there subtle ways that these kinds of negative emotions come through and that can be sensed by another person especially if you are close. I really am trying my best to calm down about the situation. Its not easy but I think I am doing a good job hiding the jealousy. It would still be easier though if he would just go away though! Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Hey!! You can't poker-face your way through this. Poker-facing is dealing with the symptoms of the jealousy, not with the cause. The cause is you feel threatened by this guy because he's smarter, better looking and funnier. Or so you think. Don't pay too much attention when your GF talks about him. You'll look like an idiot, to her, and to everyone else if you're like "Oh, so great you made a good friend!". Be "whatever" about it. It's all right she makes friends, but really, whatever. And then you need to address why you get jealous over him. Look I have been there, and when I got jealous of someone my ex GFs got close with it was usually bc I felt like I lacked something these guys had. If you're all confident and happy with yourself and your achievements, your GF getting close to someone like that will make you chuckle, not feeling a pang of jealousy. In short. Be casual about it and work on being confident and happy with yourself. Then there won't be a jealousy to deal with in the first place. A poker face only takes you so far. If she crosses any boundaries (and it maybe a good time to think about those for yourself), you can always walk away merrily, provided you have your things going. Do not make her the sole source of your happiness. It's great to have a wonderful GF that you love to no end. But it'll be a single point of failure if she walks. So have other things that make YOU happy independently of her. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Ducky71 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) Best way to combat jealousy is to do things in your own life that give you confidence about yourself. Jealousy stems (mostly) from your own personal insecurities, whether you admit you have them or not. Admitting you have these feelings is great, good on you for acknowledging them, but it's going to be on YOU to find the solution. Find things (lots of things) that only you and her share together, focus on them and do better each time. Who cares about their silly 'grade contest'? If, after all that, you still feel this way, you should talk to her about how you feel, BUT.....DO SO VERY TACTFULLY!!! Nothing will turn a woman off faster...(well, almost nothing ) than a jealous, insecure partner. Best wishes! Edited October 31, 2014 by Ducky71 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColoredBlack Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sigh. We just had a bad fight tonight which had nothing to do with this subject. Regardless now I'm feeling bad about this. I dont think I can do the poker face anymore either way. Next time she mentions him I'll probably just have to say something. Ill try and been as tactful and unjealous as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Why'd you add more drama right now? Just deal with the unrelated fight first. If the other guy comes up at some point in conversation let her know your boundaries. Make sure she gets it and is aware of the consequences. I assume you'd refuse to be a doormat / buddy to her. You're her BF. If she's into this other dude more than into you, you walk. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sigh. We just had a bad fight tonight which had nothing to do with this subject. Regardless now I'm feeling bad about this. I dont think I can do the poker face anymore either way. Next time she mentions him I'll probably just have to say something. Ill try and been as tactful and unjealous as possible. you have a right to be concerned, its not her you dont trust, its him you dont because you dont know him yet(might promote her to put you in contact with him more....war strategy...know your enemy...kidding) not really kidding....do the best to protect your relationship by remaining cool......... so tell her that.....with honesty...and calmly...let her know she can be honest with you by controlling your jealousy and anger at the situation...let her know if it goes south with him and she feels uncomfortable just to tell you ......if she loves you and you love her your trust for her and her trust in you should be enough for you to work it out with a glitch in the picture........deb Link to post Share on other sites
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