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Snooped through BF's e-mails- really hurt


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This is my first time posting on this thread, so I hope I am in the right place, but I am really struggling here and need some help. Thank you in advance.

 

 

My BF and I have a 4 month old daughter who we both love dearly. I got pregnant after only dating for a short time and found out after the relationship fizzled. He decided he didn't want to be a part of our daughter's life at first, nor did he want to be a part of mine. 3 months after he walked out, he had a change of heart and wanted to be a dad, though was adamant about no relationship with me. Heartbroken, I tried to carry on and accept the situation and be mature for co-parenting purposes. At some point in this situation, I guess he had another change of heart and did want to give us a shot as a couple after all. He was really in no position to be dating me having just ended a long, tumultuous relationship, but he admitted that he never gave me a real chance. I had finally made peace with us not going to be a couple when he came back around, so it was a surprise indeed. He is in the military and over an 8 month period, we talked all the time, got to really grow into our relationship and when he came home from his overseas tour, he moved in. Everything has been great. We have the family life like I always wanted, he talks about buying us a house, having more kids, jokes that I am "stuck" with him, and is very future oriented in his conversations with me. Great stuff right?

 

 

Well, because he has been so back and forth a lot, I often feel a tad on the insecure side, not really feeling grounded. So, the other day, I lifted up my laptop screen to see him still signed into his e-mail account and while I know this is terribly wrong, I snooped and what I found has been pretty heartbreaking.

 

 

He has been talking to a male friend of his from his college days and they have a mutual female friend in common who my BF used to date. Apparently this girl is going through a divorce and has been interested in linking back up with my BF. The male friend has been encouraging him to reach out to her and I guess this guy talks to her because he relayed messages from her to my boyfriend to the effect of how she messed up, wants him back, etc. This friend has even gone so far as to suggest that this woman is a true love to him whereas I and our daughter are an "obligation" and that he should choose true love over us. I scrolled through more to see that my BF said about a month ago that he was not going to reach out to her, as there was nothing to say.

 

 

I guess he had a change of heart there too because lo and behold, he has been talking to her. She has been complaining about her marriage, how she wants out, how beautiful our daughter is, and the kicker- how talking to him makes her feel like her old self again. So, my BF responded with "Well, let's continue to talk. I am a great listener". Her messages have been flirty, telling him he is the highlight of her day. Suddenly, they have lots to talk about. Their messages never mention me, but we have Facebook and she is his friend and sees my posts and pictures of us as a family and sees me with his family and knows we live together.

 

 

There must be phone conversations and texts too because he told the male friend that this girl has asked if she can have another chance or if she should move on. I didn't see this in an e-mail and therefore, I never saw what his response was to her, but she apparently is coming to our city next month and wants to meet up with my BF. His buddy asked him what he is going to do and he responded with how he was going to be her tour guide. He has never brought her up or mentioned her to me, so I am sure her will not tell me about her

 

 

Folks, I am at a loss here. Granted, we had a rocky start and a backwards relationship, but there was never a time I asked him to come back to me or made him come back. He is not here out of "obligation". He has free will to leave if he wants, but I cannot look past this talking with this girl. I see it as deceitful, disrespectful, and I am terrified that this is an emotional affair that may turn into something else with them.

 

 

I cannot tell him I snooped, but this is killing me! I want to scratch his eyes out.

 

 

I have no idea what to do or how to look at this....

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Well you have a few options. But first take your time and let your emotions settle out.

 

1. Confront him now. If you chose this route be prepared for him to 1. Try and blame you for snooping and 2. Possibly walk away. You also need to be firm with him and lay down how it is going to be should he opt to work things out with you.

 

2. Dump him and move on.

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It looks as if he's either cheating on you or emotionally cheating. Either way it's not ok. He's already shown you he's not capable of making up his mind about stuff. He will hurt you over and over if you keep letting him. Move on.

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It sounds like he's on the fence... and has been on the fence about being in a relationship with you all along. Doesn't sound like he's in it for the long haul.

 

As terrible as it sounds, it might be best for all involved if you make this decision NOW instead of later on after your child has developed a close bond with the father. He could decide to walk away now and not be a part of the child's daily life and although it's not ideal, it's better than waiting until later when the child would be hurt by losing dad when and if he decides he can't be with you anymore.

 

Best to end things with him now and keep your coparenting completely separate from your relationship with him.

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I agree with Raena. But here is the thing, I've dated woman and been on the fence about them for foolish reasons. I never really cheated emotionally or physically. But some time after the relationship was over I realized I had let something good get away. So perhaps he needs a kick in the ass for the lights to come on. I only say this because it seems he needs to sort somethings out.

 

What ever you decide you need to be extremelt firm with him that he needs to decide to either commit 100% OR walk away from your relationship 100%. Due to the fact that you have kids he'll never be fully "gone" and should this be the end of your relationship. keep in mind that your kid having their father be a part of their lives is important.

 

Do not start a custody/child support war out of anger. Do what is best for you and your kid.

 

If things do not work out go to a licensed therapist who can help you deal with te situation in a healthy fashion.

 

And remember TAKE YOUR TIME! Talk with 1-2 close friends/family members and make sure you do what is best for you and your kid. What ever happens stick to it! You're a confident beautiful woman and deserve someone who will be fully 100% committed to you.

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beautifulinside2

I agree that emotional cheating is wrong. Some people may disagree but I don't think you should confront him or dump him. I would say let it play itself out. I have seen circumstances where people fantasize about greener grass on the other side but never acted upon it when the time came. As it stands right now it's only email, wait to see if his conscience stops him from moving forward.

 

It seems he is trying to do right by his child and try to make a family but is unsure if you are the one he wants to be with or maybe he has realized you are not the one and is staying for the sake of his child only. You have a decision to make and that is to determine if you will accept him or want him under those terms hoping he will fall in love with you one day.

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To me it sounds like he is getting an ego boost from this woman more than anything. It sounds like she's pursuing him and (correct me if I'm wrong) his major issue is just not shutting her down. His male friend is also encouraging and supporting this behavior.

 

The problem here is how this relationship started to begin with. Yes, he came back of his own free will, but you have to know some of what he did was because of the baby. If the two of you had not gotten pregnant would he have returned to you? I think that's where the hole in your ship is. This sort of thing rarely works out from what I've seen. It's not like the two of you were in love and happened to have a child, from the sounds of it, you barely knew each other. Even now, the two of you haven't been together that long.

 

Truthfully, what is it that you want? Do you love this man? Want to be with him? Can you forgive this? These are things you should consider.

 

But regardless, you need to now confront and break up with him. Tell him the honest truth of the fact you snooped, why you snooped, and that you felt the messages were inappropriate. I would have proof of them before confronting him. I'd also bring up that snake in the grass friend of his that's been encouraging him to leave his family. (Personally not a fan of anyone who encourages someone to leave their relationship...particularly for another person).

 

Even if you want to be with him, you need to end things and be firm about it. Why? Because he still doesn't know what he wants. He's still unsure and things between the two of you have gotten off to a terrible start. You can feel it hence the snooping. I'd tell him that you might be willing to reconsider something between the two of you in the future but a) you won't tolerate this type of behavior b) he has to be truthful with you about his feelings and at all times and c) you think it's better that the two of you would start over if you did try again.

 

Insta-families sadly rarely work and I think your only hope here is pulling the rug from under him and then trying to go back to the beginning and start over.

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Well you have a few options. But first take your time and let your emotions settle out.

 

1. Confront him now. If you chose this route be prepared for him to 1. Try and blame you for snooping and 2. Possibly walk away. You also need to be firm with him and lay down how it is going to be should he opt to work things out with you.

 

2. Dump him and move on.

 

This. Opefully OP, you learn your lessons and the next time you have doubts about someone, act like an adult and confront them instead.

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There is only one way I would handle this. You have accepted this guy wishy washiness enough without true consequences it seems. I would confront him, tell him that he is not someone who can make up his mind and ask him to leave.

 

He is going to say he was just being friendly with her but he has kept that from you so that will be a lie.

If you just sit back and observe, you will drive yourself insane and eventually lose control and become irrational and completely clouded by overwhelming emotions when the impending argument finally does occur. Just calmly and cooly tell him to hit the road. Watch how much he truly begins to grow more respect for you.

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Right out of the gate...nobody should put up with cheaters. I say again, cheaters will repeat their behaviour i.e. they don't change.

 

However, couples should NOT be snooping on each other. If sincerity/honesty is in place, there will be no need for the cheating.

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unfortunately he never fell in love with you. As you said, you did your relationship backwards. It sounds like he TRIED to see if he could fall in love with you but it didn't happen. Sounds like you've only been together for a year-ish? And he's already testing other waters. I'd figure out a co-parenting schedule and call it a day.

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Thanks for taking the time to help out a stranger. I do appreciate it and I am thankful for the differing views too.

 

 

Sadly, I have been through this before. Not sure why people don't realize that closing a laptop does not close a program! But, yes, I know, it does not give me the right to snoop. Before I get hammered for that, I know it.

 

 

Anyway, 6 years ago my fiancé at the time, was corresponding with another girl from his past on facebook and was making derogatory comments about me and how something was missing from our relationship and great it was to reconnect with her. I confronted him , and he made up this story about how he did that on purpose, knowing I would snoop. Then, he took off, never to speak to me again, telling everyone in our circle that I hacked into his stuff and changed his passwords. All lies, all ridiculous stuff. They believed him and not only did I get my heart broken, but I was pegged for being crazy and had to cancel wedding plans on my own. It was horrible.

 

 

So, I am hesistant for obvious reasons. Also because he is leaving for work again in 4 months and I don't want to rob our daughter of her time with him while he is still here. He is a fantastic dad!

 

 

That said, I know part of him is here for her only. A big part. We had a conversation before he came home and I told him that he will always be her dad and if at any time, distance with his job, etc. was changing his feelings about wanting to be together, then let me know, that I would still make sure he had the best relationship with her. We have to be mature about this. I would never do anything to spite his relationship with her or keep him from her just because we don't work out.

 

 

So, what do I want from this? I love this man, I love our family, and I do want to keep an intact unit not just for our daughter, but for us. We both need to want that though.

 

 

So before I start rambling more, I talked to my mom about this and she said what one of you posted which is that some see that grass is greener thing and snap back when they realize they have it good. I have no idea why he would want to take a woman back who is still married and has two kids. Sounds like a trip down memory lane with him with him needing to close doors on past relationships. Her advice was let it sit for a little, think rationally and make a decision with a clear head, not fly off the handle.

 

 

I already asked him if he was seeing anyone else and you would have thought I smacked him. He looked shocked that I would even think that.

 

 

I am a great mother, was planning on raising our daughter by myself in the beginning anyway, I have a great job and a secure future, so I refuse to be a doormat. I had a plan for her and I that didn't include him, so whatever happens here, she and I will be fine.

 

 

In my heart of hearts, I do not see this working out. If not for the reason of him talking to this other girl, for the possibility of him linking up with someone new when he is away again. Or just because he doesn't love me and it fizzles. Is it pessimism because of past issues? Maybe. Now, I don't trust him. Without that what do you have? So, I think I have my answer. Now, I just need to let this play out and let him make his bed. I am onto him, so he will get caught in one way or another, but I prefer it not to be me confronting him about snooping. I should not have any guilt in this.

 

 

Thanks again everyone.

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I agree with Raena. But here is the thing, I've dated woman and been on the fence about them for foolish reasons. I never really cheated emotionally or physically. But some time after the relationship was over I realized I had let something good get away. So perhaps he needs a kick in the ass for the lights to come on. I only say this because it seems he needs to sort somethings out.

 

What ever you decide you need to be extremelt firm with him that he needs to decide to either commit 100% OR walk away from your relationship 100%. Due to the fact that you have kids he'll never be fully "gone" and should this be the end of your relationship. keep in mind that your kid having their father be a part of their lives is important.

 

Do not start a custody/child support war out of anger. Do what is best for you and your kid.

 

If things do not work out go to a licensed therapist who can help you deal with te situation in a healthy fashion.

 

And remember TAKE YOUR TIME! Talk with 1-2 close friends/family members and make sure you do what is best for you and your kid. What ever happens stick to it! You're a confident beautiful woman and deserve someone who will be fully 100% committed to you.

 

 

 

Really excellent advice! Thank you

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There is only one way I would handle this. You have accepted this guy wishy washiness enough without true consequences it seems. I would confront him, tell him that he is not someone who can make up his mind and ask him to leave.

 

He is going to say he was just being friendly with her but he has kept that from you so that will be a lie.

If you just sit back and observe, you will drive yourself insane and eventually lose control and become irrational and completely clouded by overwhelming emotions when the impending argument finally does occur. Just calmly and cooly tell him to hit the road. Watch how much he truly begins to grow more respect for you.

 

I think this is the eventual plan, but I wrote below that he is leaving for work in 4 months. Its complicated indeed. Why wait? I just don't want to rob my daughter or her father-daughter time and I will suffer for her any day if it means she benefits. It would be a cleaner break that way.

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This woman wants your life you have with him. He apparently isn't over her. Dump him but before you do print out the emails and use those against him in a custody hearing against him. It might help you get sole custody. You are better off without him.

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This woman wants your life you have with him. He apparently isn't over her. Dump him but before you do print out the emails and use those against him in a custody hearing against him. It might help you get sole custody. You are better off without him.

 

 

 

 

So I should just let her have it?

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This woman wants your life you have with him. He apparently isn't over her. Dump him but before you do print out the emails and use those against him in a custody hearing against him. It might help you get sole custody. You are better off without him.

 

 

I really think the other woman is looking for a cushion to soften her blow from a divorce and is looking in a familiar and perceived safe territory. In other words, a rebound that is familiar with her. This guy will never really keep that woman. Once she has gotten that divorce out of her system, he will be done, especially with him leaving for work.

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So I should just let her have it?

 

 

No. The only person that needs to be checked is your man. It was up to him to keep his home happy.

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So I should just let her have it?

 

I think so. Because they sound to be alike. He is a cheater and she is encouraging him to cheat with her. Why would you want to fight for him?

 

He is cheating on you and he is lying to you. Why not let his OW have that? It's what she deserves a liar and a cheater. If you let her be with him you wouldn't be doing her a favor like she thinks.

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I couldn't take it anymore and felt the need to confront him. He is an avid golf player and has been playing golf 10-12 hours a day and coming home very late. Our daughter is in bed at 630pm and he has been coming home at 8 or 9pm. He came home the other night at 8pm, reeking of booze. I never call him to see where he is at since I know he is at the golf course, but it was getting late and I was starting to get pissed. He called me on the way home and I didn't answer. I just shook my head when he walked in and I got no apology, nothing.

 

 

I asked him to come talk to me and I just basically asked him what the heck he was doing and how this is not my idea of a family life. I don't want a man coming home, reeking of booze, missing our daughters bedtime, not bothering to tell me he will be home late, etc. I asked him if he wanted to be here with us and he just looked at me. Then, I told him I knew all about him and this girl he is talking to and how if he has no desire to be here with us as a family, then I think he should leave. He said "fine". I told him that we had a life together, we had a family, and that if at any time he felt he didn't want that, he should have been a man and come to me and say that, not creep behind my back. I reminded him that he had it good here- a loving girlfriend, a baby who adores him, a hassle-free life. I get irritated about his golf hobby, but I still support him and I have even learned about it more so we can talk about it since he is so passionate. I asked him what he had to say for himself and he said "what is there to say?".

 

 

I told him that he lost everything here and that I hope this girl is worth it. To be honest, he didn't seem to care. He moved out while I was at work and hasn't contacted us in 2 days. Oddly, enough, he cleaned up and washed all the baby's bottles. Why bother doing that?

 

 

Not sure what I am looking for here. I just don't understand how a man can walk out on his family. Yes, I said he should leave if he isn't where he wants to be and he did, so there you go, but how can he fall so in love with our little girl and just leave?

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You've done the right thing. He made his decision and you really had no other recourse.

 

Now you need to lawyer-up for custody and child support.

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I just don't understand how a man can walk out on his family.

 

Happens more often than you think. Sorry that's how it went down, but this is probably the best thing that could've happened for you. This guy was playing you all along. Now you know the truth and now you can force yourself to move on. You deserve better than this guy.

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There is only one way I would handle this. You have accepted this guy wishy washiness enough without true consequences it seems. I would confront him, tell him that he is not someone who can make up his mind and ask him to leave.

 

He is going to say he was just being friendly with her but he has kept that from you so that will be a lie.

If you just sit back and observe, you will drive yourself insane and eventually lose control and become irrational and completely clouded by overwhelming emotions when the impending argument finally does occur. Just calmly and cooly tell him to hit the road. Watch how much he truly begins to grow more respect for you.

I really hope this is the case because I did just this- asked him to leave. Tomorrow is my birthday too. Just another day I guess, but this is really awful. My baby senses it too I think. He is usually with her at night and she has been waking up a lot, looking around, and being fussy. It breaks my heart. I don't know that he is capable of respecting me and I have no idea why. I am a good woman and a great mother to our daughter, not some trash-bag woman who swoops in and tried to bust up a family. Sadly, he is more enamored with her than me.

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Ninjainpajamas
Not sure what I am looking for here. I just don't understand how a man can walk out on his family. Yes, I said he should leave if he isn't where he wants to be and he did, so there you go, but how can he fall so in love with our little girl and just leave?

 

Too many women ask the same questions, even though the results are the same. The more important question to me to you is; why even bother asking a question you won't understand?

 

You...like a lot of women, will NEVER understand men. You have this idea, this philosophy of how men think and feel and when they act outside of that you're actually "surprised".

 

The man never wanted a "family" with you in the first place. So why are you holding something against him that he never even wanted with YOU or possibly anyone else, in the first place?

 

Do you think that man care that you are a "good woman" and a "great mom" just for the sake of being so? no, they have to actually want to be WITH YOU, they actually have to LOVE YOU.

 

This guy doesn't love you, this guy doesn't even care...he's there because he has to be...and please, for the sake of sparing me with the typical BS...you act like he can just stroll out the door without any consequence or guilt trips, like he isn't "obligated", but every guy will feel that way in his position...that's why it's this slow yo-yo of a process until he finally cuts the cord...because he has to contend with the what he should do versus what he wants to do...which is what he wants to do is leave.

 

And yes I'm sure as he is there with his own flesh and blood of a daughter that a PART of him wants to be there, but he will NEVER be there as a WHOLE MAN. The man will always think and feel outside of this relationship...he didn't CHOOSE YOU, you got PREGNANT...that's what changed, otherwise you'd just be another face in the history books of women he slept with and moved on from.

 

So stop trying to manipulate the man with guilt trips and trying to make him feel "bad"...because you're rubbing it in his face that he's got a good woman, a good mom, and a "family"...all of which he DIDN'T ASK FOR! I don't get why you don't get that...he doesn't want this, that's why he acts this way...he doesn't leave because life isn't that simple, especially with a BABY IN THE PICTURE.

 

How in the hell can the guy just get up and walk away pretending like nothing ever happened? that's a process for men...it's like going to work at a place you don't really want to work, you don't go because you WANT TO, but because the bills don't stop coming just because you don't want to work at that job...it's a catch 22 situation.

 

Your first HUGE clue about this guy was when you got pregnant. Now I don't know why you got pregnant but you can be damn sure as a man I question that...I hope you have a clear conscience on that one because too many women say "well, if you're having sex with me, then you accept the consequences of making a baby" all the while they know they're fooling around with BC or taking medication that might interfere with that or what not...but apart of them doesn't mind if an "accident" happen...at 34 I've seen this happen to a lot of foolish men...women plays dumb about or even assures him she doesn't want to get pregnant or cannot and oops! there's magically a baby in the oven...must have been Jesus I guess.

 

But the first huge flag of this guy not being invested was when he walked away when you got pregnant. That was all I needed to know as a man, because at this point to me that's all the gesture or sign from the gods that you need. The man wasn't invested, he didn't want this and he walked away...he came back for other reasons than his love for you or desire to have a family...so this was all predictable IMO after that point...yes yes, even though he came back and told you this or that, that's what all guys pretty much do anyway, ask around...doesn't mean they're actually going to be happy and want this, they just feel obligated.

 

For the sake of your own life and stability in your daughters...get rid of the guy. You accepted that you would be alone anyway? great! that's perfect because now you're already prepared...now just stop making excuses and farting around with this guy because he's not going to come out and tell you to your face he doesn't want to be there, he clearly doesn't want to be from everything he's done IMO...WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED! stop doing the typical woman thing and waiting for this certification/notarized document where he needs to spell out every word in every way just so you can believe it, stop being naive, you're not 12 years old...read the writing on the wall because most guys can't get to that point without a lot of motivation and failure first and by the time he does tell you you're going to have all this crap happening in between.

 

Break up with him or actually, just let him go and do what he wants to do anyway and tell him he isn't welcome back. Stop playing games, this is not about your love, this is about the baby if anything at all. You're not going to have the picture perfect family, he's not going to just "come around"...if you figure that out you're already smarter than 50 percent of women out there at the very least. Stop chasing him, stop manipulating him (please don't start BSing me, just don't even try)because it's clear you want this, but you never had it to begin with.

 

So many guys are stuck in relationships/marriages for reasons like this, they don't walk away, they just drag on and carry on like zombies doing what a "man has to do" for the sake of doing what is "right". They aren't happy though, they usually fool around at one point or another guaranteed, and whatever it is you think you have and you are working on is not what it really is...so you can just be another delusional woman who doesn't know anything about men and needs to constantly lie to herself to "fight for the relationship" and have a guy within himself feeling forced to being there (because they will come back, they will try again, they have to, OR you can take responsibility for your own life, take responsibility for your own family (you and your daughter) and make decisions that serve the both of you, rather than using her or the "family" idea (which includes him) that gives you an endless excuse to pounding your own dirt in the face because in reality it's what YOU WANT.

 

If you're worth more than this guy, if family means that much to you, if you have better values than what this guy serves, if you are a strong, independent women...then PROVE IT, prove it to yourself and everyone else because it's easier said than done.

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I'm sorry OP. I think it's odd he hasn't contacted you to arrange to see his daughter at all. I'd try to focus on the business aspect now...arranging custody/child support. Focus on that and deal with the emotions later.

 

I hope you had/have a nice birthday anyway.

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