Should I keep going after her?

[Nola7900]

There's a bit of story with this girl (who's very hot). I started uni 3 months ago, and we used to talk a lot on the first week; we had a date at her apartment, she made us food, had great conversation and all, but maybe I tried to go a bit too fast right after it (dumb me thinking her inviting me to her apartment meant the hard stuff was out of the way) and she didn't like it. I mean, we were definitely cuddling but she just didn't want to go that much further. In an effort to get a reaction out of her i slightly criticized her food, and it was like stepping on a landmine , she was mad and i was out of her apartament after apologizing.

 

We were on that awkward level for the next month or so, barely saying hello or acknowledging one another. I, however, started talking with her friends and got to know them. Long story short, I'm good at this subject and they asked for my help to teach them a bit. As I was doing that, she inevitably came along ('cause her friends were there), and we slowly started talking again. She did great on the exam for that subject, and thanked me, saying I was the reason she did so well. I was glad an all, and kept it cool.

After that, she asked me a few times more to help her with other subjects (guess she realized i'm good at that stuff, heh): due to some time constraints and me needing to study myself, we didn't do that.

 

But anyway, after an off-week in september, I added her to fb and we started talking a bit more again, though even if we did talk about more stuff a bit, most of it still centered on uni-related stuff (like exchanging class recordings and books). I didn't complain since it got her to talk to me a lot again. I played around with her on the idea of us going out, and asked her 2 weeks ago to go out on the weekend: she said her mother was in town but she would let me know. She never let me know, and never acknowledged it (like, with a "sorry, was busy" or anything). That got me a bit mad, but still, it was cool, I thought maybe I just didn't interest her anymore, and took it as a soft-rejection.

 

Thing is, the week after that, she kinda spoke to me on whatsapp as in "hey what r u doing", and I kinda was a bit standoffish, only responding "reading". I ignored her a bit next day, when she came up to talk to a friend of mine but obviously was waiting for me to say hello as always. She came to me a couple of days ago on the uni asking if I could help her and her friends with the hard subject that I'm good at, I kinda standoffishly said: "X subject is about reading." and she kinda got the "-.-" look and said "all right... thanks".

 

Why was I standoffish (if that's even a word heh)? well, I disliked how she would never say hello, i would always have to be the one initiating it. She only ever said hello (and barely the word itself was said) when she needed help with classes; also, I was still mad she never acknowledged me asking her out (even if i got the idea of it being a soft rejection).

 

Thing is, I thought at first that she wasn't just using me for help with grades (since I was thinking about how we had our thing before classes even started, therefore at that time she didn't know I was good at it and I interested her then), but it kinda downed on me that maybe she was just using me. She's VERY flirtatious (doing all the hair touching, hand touching, fake laugh etc etc) with all guys when she needs something out of them, I've seen it from afar, she knows how hot she is, and she puts all that into use. I saw how she did it again last time she asked me for help and I replied standoffishly. I guess it kinda irks me a bit too, how she's so flirtatious, but then again I know I can't fault her for that, free world and all that eh?

 

Anyway, I was on the road to forgetting about her, but I just can't get her out of my mind. She really is incredibly, incredibly hot, and to make matters worse we kinda sit nearby, due to both of us wanting to be near the front row, so I see her face every single day for a long time haha.

 

As an example of how neurotic it's making me: I began using instagram recently, added everyone I'm friends with (normal procedure when you start up the first time), and she added me back: there I noticed she hasn't let anyone else or any other guy from uni add her, aside from 3 of her female friends. Little stupid things like that make thoughts on my head go "wow, maybe you still mean something to her", "maybe her princess personality is keeping her from reaching out to you, man".

 

 

What do you think? should I bow my head and pursue her or just cut her off and move on?

[Destined2B]

Well, are you also as incredibly hot as she is? If not, then don't bother. Try to stick to your league.

[dispatch3d]

Wouldn't hold it against you if you asked her out again. That said, the last rejection seems bad to me, but whatever. I think the less invested you are in your inviting/attempts early on the better. It doesn't make that much sense to put a lot of value into it, and honestly it seems like a better overall approach.

 

As far as her being hot, I dunno. It just means she probably has more options guy wise than less attractive girls, but even that isn't a certainty.

[avintagegirl]

So, let's see if I have this right.

 

1. She invites you over, cooks for you, cuddles with you and you get mad because you thought the "hard part was over" and you were gonna ease on in when she rebuffs you a bit. Then you go so far as to insult her cooking, in order to "get a reaction out of her" you both argue and you leave.

 

2. She needs help with her studies, you do well in that subject. She reluctantly comes with her friends and winds up doing well. She thanks you. She tries to get help in other areas - for which you don't have time and so that doesn't work out. When you want to go out and she doesn't get back with you - presumabley because she was busy, you take it as a soft rejection rather than she was legitimately busy, as you were.

 

3. She initiates conversation with you and rebuff her because she never initiates conversation and saying hello as you think she should.

 

4. You have determined based on her flirting with other men that she was just using you to get good grades, though you freely admit that she showed interest in you before she could have known your proficiency in your classes.

 

 

Frankly, I think you acted like a third rate jerk. From your first date to blowing her off when she needed help, when you don't get the response you want you insult her or "act standoffish".

 

My best advice for you is to walk away and leave her alone. I don't think you want to be her friend and it doesn't sound like she is willing to be the kind of woman you want.

[Nola7900]

So, let's see if I have this right.

 

1. She invites you over, cooks for you, cuddles with you and you get mad because you thought the "hard part was over" and you were gonna ease on in when she rebuffs you a bit. Then you go so far as to insult her cooking, in order to "get a reaction out of her" you both argue and you leave.

 

2. She needs help with her studies, you do well in that subject. She reluctantly comes with her friends and winds up doing well. She thanks you. She tries to get help in other areas - for which you don't have time and so that doesn't work out. When you want to go out and she doesn't get back with you - presumabley because she was busy, you take it as a soft rejection rather than she was legitimately busy, as you were.

Don't you think she should've said something? anything?

 

3. She initiates conversation with you and rebuff her because she never initiates conversation and saying hello as you think she should.

Don't you think she should? shouldn't it be a two-side effort?

 

4. You have determined based on her flirting with other men that she was just using you to get good grades, though you freely admit that she showed interest in you before she could have known your proficiency in your classes.

well, it does confuse me when she overly so flirts overtly flirts like that, makes me think that It wasn't me that was special, maybe she's like that with everyone.

 

 

I don't think you want to be her friend and it doesn't sound like she is willing to be the kind of woman you want.

It's true, I don't want to be her "friend". And it seems the kind of woman she is would piss me off constantly

[Nola7900]

Well, are you also as incredibly hot as she is? If not, then don't bother. Try to stick to your league.

No, I don't think so. I trust my speaking skills, but I guess once I ****ed up that first date, it conditioned every interaction between us since then.

[Nola7900]

 

As far as her being hot, I dunno. It just means she probably has more options guy wise than less attractive girls, but even that isn't a certainty.

yeah, I thought about it. She probably knows what she's got, therefore she knows her options are open. guess I was just aiming too high.

[Natsu21]

yeah, I thought about it. She probably knows what she's got, therefore she knows her options are open. guess I was just aiming too high.

 

That all depends on what you view as high.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, after all.

 

But this sounded like too much game-playing. Move on.

[GemmaUK]

No, I don't think so. I trust my speaking skills, but I guess once I ****ed up that first date, it conditioned every interaction between us since then.

 

Her instincts are good and she listens to them.

Good for her!

 

No, you don't have any kind of a chance with her and they're all only after your help with the work including her.

 

You messed up when you didn't get what you want and then had a dig about her cooking (after you had probably said you enjoyed the food).

She saw right through that.

 

Don't hold any hopes to get with her, it's never going to happen.

[Nola7900]

You messed up when you didn't get what you want and then had a dig about her cooking (after you had probably said you enjoyed the food).

She saw right through that.

I'll admit I ****ed up there, I didn't read the situation well enough. But tbf before I said anything, she was the one constantly telling me how bad the food she had done was (she messed up with too much soy sauce).

[GemmaUK]

I'll admit I ****ed up there, I didn't read the situation well enough. But tbf before I said anything, she was the one constantly telling me how bad the food she had done was (she messed up with too much soy sauce).

 

Even so, someone cooks for you and it's polite to appreciate it. Time, energy and food costs went into that meal.

 

You don't take that appreciation back (even if the ONLY appreciation was that you ate half of it) if you then don't get what you want later in the evening...that is just sulking.

Toddlers behave that way.

[dispatch3d]

Honestly the cooking thing is being blown out of proportion.

 

I think you could still ask her out if you wanted to. I also still think you were a little too invested early on which explains your behaviour a bit.

 

And I didn't mean becuase she's hot you shouldn't have bothered. Hot girls look for the same good guys that average looking girls look for.

[preraph]

You intentionally and for no good reason insulted her about the food just to see if she'd take abuse, and then you continue to see what you can get away with in the form of bad behavior. Don't expect many women to put up with someone intentionally being a jerk.

[Nola7900]

I think you could still ask her out if you wanted to. I also still think you were a little too invested early on which explains your behaviour a bit.

I get your point, but she didn't answer or acknowledged the last time I asked her out 2 weeks ago... I know it's immature to now be angry (be that because my pride was hurt or something childish like that), and me being standoffish is a direct result of that unacknowledgement... but am I crazy to think she should initiate contact again when she told me she would "let me know" and never did? am i crazy to think she should go "hey, so when are we gonna hang out like you said?"

[Nola7900]

You intentionally and for no good reason insulted her about the food just to see if she'd take abuse, and then you continue to see what you can get away with in the form of bad behavior. Don't expect many women to put up with someone intentionally being a jerk.

being that she's the flirt she is with every guy, she usually responds very well to teasing from guys, and she was indeed responding to me well up to that point (i didn't grossly insult her, just poked a bit of fun in that her food was not good).

 

Sure, there's a thin and fine line between teasing and insulting, but I'm pretty sure I didn't went too far. As I said, I guess I miscalculated the reading of the situation.

[sid3]

You might as well to told her that her ass looks fat. I'd say she's lost the interest she once had. Apparently her cooking is better than your game.

[avintagegirl]

Don't you think she should've said something? anything?

 

She did- she thanked you. She asked for more help and you were busy. What more is she supposed to do? Look at it from her POV. She cooks for you and all is going well. The two of you get cuddly and when you decide its not going where you want it to go, you act in a very immature way to "get a reaction of her". What more should she say to you other than to thank you for the help you gave her with her studies? Frankly if I were her I'd would have steered clear unless my grades were really hurting.

 

Don't you think she should? shouldn't it be a two-side effort?

 

Maybe she was hesitant to at the forefront because you acted in an ungracious fashion. Maybe she was hesitant to start up with you again because she felt you wanted only one thing with her - and given your own words here - I would say she was justified in feeling you weren't out to get to know her, but were ready to get in her pants.

 

Then when she does initiate some form of contact, you are standoffish with her because she doesn't ever initiate contact. What the heck kind of sense does that make? From her perspective you blow hot and cold.

 

 

well, it does confuse me when she overly so flirts overtly flirts like that, makes me think that It wasn't me that was special, maybe she's like that with everyone.

 

Gee maybe she felt the same way too. Try putting yourself in her shoes.

 

 

I don't think you want to be her friend and it doesn't sound like she is willing to be the kind of woman you want.

It's true, I don't want to be her "friend". And it seems the kind of woman she is would piss me off constantly

 

Someone very wise once told me if a man cannot be your friend, he has no place being your boyfriend. I am going to be very honest with you, if I was a friend of this girl, and she told me of her interactions with you, I would advise her to steer clear.

 

As far as my advice to you, I think you should steer clear of her, and wait to find someone you really care about to date.

 

No, I don't think so. I trust my speaking skills, but I guess once I ****ed up that first date, it conditioned every interaction between us since then.

 

You got it.

 

yeah, I thought about it. She probably knows what she's got, therefore she knows her options are open. guess I was just aiming too high.

 

If that were the case, you wouldn't have gotten her address, let alone set foot inside her door. Guaranteed.

 

I'll admit I ****ed up there, I didn't read the situation well enough. But tbf before I said anything, she was the one constantly telling me how bad the food she had done was (she messed up with too much soy sauce).

 

Doesn't matter. In those situations you have to be a man and be gracious.

 

I get your point, but she didn't answer or acknowledged the last time I asked her out 2 weeks ago... I know it's immature to now be angry (be that because my pride was hurt or something childish like that), and me being standoffish is a direct result of that unacknowledgement... but am I crazy to think she should initiate contact again when she told me she would "let me know" and never did? am i crazy to think she should go "hey, so when are we gonna hang out like you said?"

 

Not crazy, just unrealistic. You act like she owes you something and she doesn't. So she didn't let you know, big deal, maybe she was busy with her family and didn't think about it. Was it a kind thing to do, not really, but at the same time stuff happens.

 

What the two of you were about to have didn't pan out. In my opinion, its time to get past it and move on.

[dispatch3d]

I get your point, but she didn't answer or acknowledged the last time I asked her out 2 weeks ago... I know it's immature to now be angry (be that because my pride was hurt or something childish like that), and me being standoffish is a direct result of that unacknowledgement... but am I crazy to think she should initiate contact again when she told me she would "let me know" and never did? am i crazy to think she should go "hey, so when are we gonna hang out like you said?"

 

Nah I agree with you. The last rejection seems really bad. Doesn't mean you can't ask her again, I just wouldn't be very confident if I did ask again that the results would be positive.

 

If you made a lot of banter with her I can see how that comment could be made in a joking/non serious manner and get misinterpreted.

[Nola7900]

What the two of you were about to have didn't pan out. In my opinion, its time to get past it and move on.

all in all I do realize my mistakes. I think she has made some too (even if you disagree), but I own up to mine. Yet.. does it have to be so absolute? is there no chance anymore? I honestly can't stop thinking about her every single day.

 

And like my first post said, little things like her adding me even if we're on a cold period right now gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe she's on it too, thinking about me. Argh this is all so stressful I don't know if i'm falling on that "projecting your feelings on other people" thing, and automatically think that because I'm thinking so much about her, she does too.

[sid3]

all in all I do realize my mistakes. I think she has made some too (even if you disagree), but I own up to mine. Yet.. does it have to be so absolute? is there no chance anymore? I honestly can't stop thinking about her every single day.

 

And like my first post said, little things like her adding me even if we're on a cold period right now gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe she's on it too, thinking about me. Argh this is all so stressful I don't know if i'm falling on that "projecting your feelings on other people" thing, and automatically think that because I'm thinking so much about her, she does too.

 

Two things I'm pretty sure of, first, the sun will come up tomorrow. Second, a "hot" college aged woman will not put up with the crap you've thrown at her.

[avintagegirl]

all in all I do realize my mistakes. I think she has made some too (even if you disagree), but I own up to mine. Yet.. does it have to be so absolute? is there no chance anymore? I honestly can't stop thinking about her every single day.

 

And like my first post said, little things like her adding me even if we're on a cold period right now gives me a glimmer of hope that maybe she's on it too, thinking about me. Argh this is all so stressful I don't know if i'm falling on that "projecting your feelings on other people" thing, and automatically think that because I'm thinking so much about her, she does too.

 

Does it have to be absolute? Hmm. I don't know if I can give a qualified answer on that as I am not her. If I were her, it would take a lot. As I said I feel that a man should have a desire to be my friend, to get to know me, before he is my boyfriend. There has to be more than a lustful connection before he is allowed in my bed. He needs to show me respect if he wants the pleasure of my company and I don't know a woman who would disagree with that. Everyone deserves that - man or woman.

 

If you really have an interest in this girl - and by golly I mean more than getting into her pants because she is hot - then try being her friend, respect her and see where it takes you. It may take time, it may not happen at all.

 

Just remember she doesn't owe you anything. If she chooses not to respond to you, that is her choice and you need to respect it and move on.

[Nola7900]

So yeah, we had a bit of a talk three days ago through texts. Basically, we kinda resolved what each of us were thinking and why we were cold to each other in our ways. After that, told her how much I liked her, and asked if she liked me back, she said yes.

 

She also told me how weird it was for her to say that, since she's so "reserved" and never says those things. At the end we were both happy to have said it.

 

I've been wanting to see her in uni more, we haven't exactly had time, but I don't know... maybe it's my impression but could she be a bit scared to see me now that she told me that? I've let her know I wanted to see her after class, and both days she has come up last minute with a raincheck.

[avintagegirl]

Could be or it could be legitimate. Just give her time and patience - which I know you can.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Nola7900]

I'm honestly very confused . Here's what has happened:

 

After she told me she liked me, she still keeps being completely evasive and cold when I try and talk with her in person at Uni.

 

She's a completely different person through texts than in real life. In this back and forth, yet again we spoke about liking each other, but then I get the feeling she kinda went a step back, saying that her "liking" me wasn't that big deal (through texts, of course), and then she contradicted herself a bit in an effort to explain herself (like, "I can't completely like someone when I don't know them completely", strange seeing that it apparently was an effort for her to say it, and something she never did due to being reserved). Still though, we kept texting and all, with me trying to set up times to see each other (in private, since she's this other person I dislike when her friends are around).

 

I had my birthday 2 days ago; almost everyone in class congratulated me, she didn't until we were walking and at least 4 people came and hugged me: then she gave me probably the coldest of em all ("oh it's your birthday? sure, have a nice one), no hug and no nothing. That bummed me out a lot.

 

I texted her later that day what I was thinking (namely, that why was she such a different person to me at uni with friends than when we were alone or when texted, why was she so evasive, why whenever I tried to talk to her she would be in bad mood, sick, barely said hello to me every morning, would concentrate on other people around us, and -christ- barely even looked at me). Of course she said she didn't notice any of that. I ask her "I don't know, is it shyness? you not liking me? stress?" to which she said "probably stress" and "nothing more than that". Finally later that night she asked "how was your birthday", I said "good, thanks" and nothing more.

 

It really bummed me out, lots of my mates keep telling me why do I bother. Anyway, yesterday we made plans with her to see us after uni at 4pm (if she's all that shy and all, I resolved that we should see each other alone and talk through what was bothering me, though I didn't tell her that), she was texting me normally throughout the day, having said to me the night before that she would stay.

 

Naturally, at 4pm, she didn't come to where I told her. And she hasn't said anything ever since.

 

I guess, this is all a lost cause, but it's sad and I probably peaked in happiness after she admitted she liked me, only for her to act completely against her words. Thought you'd all like to know what happened. My head has really been messed up with this, so I guess I have to move on now.

[Tommy122]

So, let's see if I have this right.

 

1. She invites you over, cooks for you, cuddles with you and you get mad because you thought the "hard part was over" and you were gonna ease on in when she rebuffs you a bit. Then you go so far as to insult her cooking, in order to "get a reaction out of her" you both argue and you leave.

 

2. She needs help with her studies, you do well in that subject. She reluctantly comes with her friends and winds up doing well. She thanks you. She tries to get help in other areas - for which you don't have time and so that doesn't work out. When you want to go out and she doesn't get back with you - presumabley because she was busy, you take it as a soft rejection rather than she was legitimately busy, as you were.

 

3. She initiates conversation with you and rebuff her because she never initiates conversation and saying hello as you think she should.

 

4. You have determined based on her flirting with other men that she was just using you to get good grades, though you freely admit that she showed interest in you before she could have known your proficiency in your classes.

 

 

Frankly, I think you acted like a third rate jerk. From your first date to blowing her off when she needed help, when you don't get the response you want you insult her or "act standoffish".

 

My best advice for you is to walk away and leave her alone. I don't think you want to be her friend and it doesn't sound like she is willing to be the kind of woman you want.

 

 

 

This is what confuses me with girls, sometimes you dont know if they are just using you or are genuinely interested

 

As for the dinner part, what happened to girls being attracted to *******s? i guess every girl/situation is different so it makes it that much harder to judge?