How to say no to this date?

[Ruby Slippers]

So I've been on OLD for a week now, and this very hot guy wants to meet... but I'm totally intimidated. He already reminds me of my last boyfriend - gorgeous, professionally successful and driven, smooth, smart, intense, well-mannered. Everything about him so far turns me on.

 

He's done everything right - a bit of texting almost daily since we met on the site, good phone call, inviting me out to dinner. Nothing arrogant or out of line. He's intelligent, personable, and has asked questions only about me, my aspirations, dreams, work. Other hot guys have messaged me, and they've been polite for the most part, but their intentions for something casual are pretty transparent from subtle comments, so I've discontinued communication with them.

 

Honestly, the only reason I don't want to go out with him is because I'm intimidated because he's so hot. I'm OK, but objectively he's better-looking than I am, and given this, I don't see it going anywhere serious. He would be an excellent candidate for something casual, but I don't feel I have time to piddle around with such silliness. If I fail to find Mr. Right during my remaining childbearing years, then I can escape my sorrow with all the meaningless fun I want after that.

 

Now he's starting to ask why I'm hesitant to meet him. I can't tell him the real reason, can I? I feel strange for ruling myself out before we've even met - but intellectually, I get that men want a woman who's at least as good-looking as they are or better, so it feels like a dead end. How do I turn him down politely?

[xXMarlboro_ManXx]

Don't worry it's OLD he won't look as good as his picture

[umirano]

I think you're not seeing the full picture

 

• He may just see it the other way around
  
• Even if you're (objectively) less attractive (visually) than him, you may be very attractive to him for something else
  
• If there's any objective standard to visual attractivity there will always be one partner less attractive than the other
  

 

I have dated girls who I find way more visually attractive than myself. But I have also dated and had relationships with girls visually less attractive than myself (again, assuming there's an objective way to measure this and compare it across the gender gap). So no, I don't think "men" generally expect the girl to be "more attractive" than them.

 

So, I suggest you relax. And meet him. It's just a date. Have a good time. You may just fall in love with each other. Why not give destiny a chance to work for you?

 

You don't know what his internal conversation is like. He very well may call you gorgeous. It happened to me that girls who I found to have breathtaking beauty were impossible to convince so.

[Jules Dash]

Now he's starting to ask why I'm hesitant to meet him. I can't tell him the real reason, can I? I feel strange for ruling myself out before we've even met - but intellectually, I get that men want a woman who's at least as good-looking as they are or better, so it feels like a dead end. How do I turn him down politely?

 

 

Well, no, not necessarily. We are attracted to who we are attracted to and we want who we want. You said he reminds you of your last boyfriend. Why can't he become your boyfriend or, at least, eventually your last boyfriend some time in the future?

[BluEyeL]

I also say go, it's just a first date. Don't let fear of rejection get in the way.

[OwMyEyeball]

Tell your intellect to **** off. It's playing emissary to irrational fears and not doing you any good.

[Gloria25]

I understand your fears, but like umirano said, don't be intimidated...

 

Have the date, give the guy a chance...if he wasn't interested in you he wouldn't be wanting to gone on this date with you and/or concerned about you backing out.

[gaius]

Ruby, there aren't a lot of truly interesting people out there, men or women and you happen to be one of them. =/ So don't be so skeptical that he could just find you more interesting than everyone else on there. It's possible there's a deeper connection drawing him to you that you're not aware of yet. Or maybe your instincts are right and it's not going to go anywhere. But you've gotta give this guy at least one date and explore that or you're crazy.

 

And I don't think it will hurt if you chose to be honest with why ypu were hesitant to meet him either. As long as you don't let him steamroll you with his good looks.

[preraph]

He probably doesn't look as good as his photo. Unless you put up a really doctored up photo of yourself that looks way better than you actually look, you should go. Yes, there seems to be a certain template most guys have, but what if he's the exception? Maybe you ask him to Skype first and then you see how that goes?

[Ruby Slippers]

Wow, I'm surprised that everyone thinks I should meet him.

 

Trust me, he's hot! He has 5 pictures up, most of them non-selfies of him just doing things, and he's exceptionally good-looking in every one of them, even when he's all sweaty wearing a plain T-shirt out in nature somewhere. Ugh!!

 

Ruby, there aren't a lot of truly interesting people out there, men or women and you happen to be one of them.

Awww, thanks, babe! From the first phone conversations, I keep hearing a couple of comments echo: "It's very refreshing to talk to an intelligent woman with real drive and passion," and "it's hard to find a real intellectual connection, but it seems like we can have interesting conversation about anything."

 

I guess I worry that men don't fall in love with interesting - they fall in love with gorgeous, relative to themselves.

 

It's very annoying when you feel all gooey and antsy in your stomach because a guy just pushes the right buttons. So much easier to be relaxed when you don't care as much.

[avintagegirl]

 

Honestly, the only reason I don't want to go out with him is because I'm intimidated because he's so hot. I'm OK, but objectively he's better-looking than I am, and given this, I don't see it going anywhere serious. He would be an excellent candidate for something casual, but I don't feel I have time to piddle around with such silliness. If I fail to find Mr. Right during my remaining childbearing years, then I can escape my sorrow with all the meaningless fun I want after that.

 

Now he's starting to ask why I'm hesitant to meet him. I can't tell him the real reason, can I? I feel strange for ruling myself out before we've even met - but intellectually, I get that men want a woman who's at least as good-looking as they are or better, so it feels like a dead end. How do I turn him down politely?

 

 

Honestly, I don't think you should automatically assume what he will or won't find attractive. You don't really know him and I am not sure it is an assumption one can make. I say go for it. If you aren't his cup of tea so be it. You might find he is a jerk who can only keep it together long enough to send online messages and you decide you are the one who isn't interested in him.What do you have to lose in meeting the guy for a cup of coffee?

 

Gaius is spot on right in saying there aren't a lot of interesting people out there. So if you find someone you connect with just go for it. I look forward to hearing how well your date with him goes.

 

Best of luck to you!

[quidproquo89]

I look at things a lot more simply. I don't base too much on looks or 'leagues'. If I find someone attractive I will pursue them.

 

I don't consider how I look compared to them or social status. Probably because I absolutely believe that we are all human beings, we all live and we all die - equal!

 

Looks, confidence, wealth! - These things come and go.

 

I say go on a date, maybe a few and see what you make of things then. I still think you should take notice of your instincts though. They are more often than not, right on the money..if... you are thinking clearly.

[OwMyEyeball]

Wow, I'm surprised that everyone thinks I should meet him.

 

Trust me, he's hot! He has 5 pictures up, most of them non-selfies of him just doing things, and he's exceptionally good-looking in every one of them, even when he's all sweaty wearing a plain T-shirt out in nature somewhere. Ugh!!

 

 

Awww, thanks, babe! From the first phone conversations, I keep hearing a couple of comments echo: "It's very refreshing to talk to an intelligent woman with real drive and passion," and "it's hard to find a real intellectual connection, but it seems like we can have interesting conversation about anything."

 

I guess I worry that men don't fall in love with interesting - they fall in love with gorgeous, relative to themselves.

 

It's very annoying when you feel all gooey and antsy in your stomach because a guy just pushes the right buttons. So much easier to be relaxed when you don't care as much.

Ooooh, this is a good one for that 'Most Annoying Gender Stereotype' thread.

[heartshaped]

I am only chiming in here to say that I'm excited about this potential prospect of yours and you had better not dare turn down a date with him.

[SummerDreams]

I totally get what Ruby is saying. If I were to meet such a handsome man on OLD, I'd spontaneously wonder why he is single. After that I'd assume 1. he is not single, just a bored married man who wants to pass his time, 2. he has one really bad habit or drawback so no woman wants him, 3. he just wants to have fun but he's pretending to care about my interests and dreams just to get me to bed.

 

I understand that there is a chance none of these reasons are valid, but I don't give more than 1% chance that they are not valid. After all it's OLD. Men there have become experts in lying and manipulating hurt women. Personally I'd feel more comfortably with an average looking man who would express to me his anxiety and fear that I may not like him. I generally feel more comfortably around people who want to show their fears and insecurities cause I feel closer to them and I see they are just humans like me. Too secure and self conscious people are not my type and I run away from them.

 

Ruby, if you want to stop worrying about these reasons I gave above, you should try and find someone less attractive but more real. I don't agree with people telling you to meet him and see how it goes. Why give him the pleasure to know that he's driven crazy another woman for him?

[quidproquo89]

I totally get what Ruby is saying. If I were to meet such a handsome man on OLD, I'd spontaneously wonder why he is single. After that I'd assume 1. he is not single, just a bored married man who wants to pass his time, 2. he has one really bad habit or drawback so no woman wants him, 3. he just wants to have fun but he's pretending to care about my interests and dreams just to get me to bed.

 

I understand that there is a chance none of these reasons are valid, but I don't give more than 1% chance that they are not valid. After all it's OLD. Men there have become experts in lying and manipulating hurt women. Personally I'd feel more comfortably with an average looking man who would express to me his anxiety and fear that I may not like him. I generally feel more comfortably around people who want to show their fears and insecurities cause I feel closer to them and I see they are just humans like me. Too secure and self conscious people are not my type and I run away from them.

 

Ruby, if you want to stop worrying about these reasons I gave above, you should try and find someone less attractive but more real. I don't agree with people telling you to meet him and see how it goes. Why give him the pleasure to know that he's driven crazy another woman for him?

 

I don't really agree with this. Yes, you must be careful with OLD and not get too attached too soon. However you can't assume every handsome man is hiding something sinister. Some guys just happen to be single. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

 

Men should never express anxiety and fear to a date. This is a so called 'beta' quality and will result in the mans rejection 9/10 times.

 

I can believe self assurance and confidence is a turn off, oh my god!!

 

The guy hasnt done anything yet, he hasnt driven anyone crazy. He wants a date. Ruby is capable of looking after herself I HOPE.

 

Less attractive and more real? What does that mean?

 

Sorry to pick on you, but this seems to be some strange advice

[Cristo]

So I've been on OLD for a week now, and this very hot guy wants to meet... but I'm totally intimidated. He already reminds me of my last boyfriend - gorgeous, professionally successful and driven, smooth, smart, intense, well-mannered. Everything about him so far turns me on.

 

He's done everything right - a bit of texting almost daily since we met on the site, good phone call, inviting me out to dinner. Nothing arrogant or out of line. He's intelligent, personable, and has asked questions only about me, my aspirations, dreams, work. Other hot guys have messaged me, and they've been polite for the most part, but their intentions for something casual are pretty transparent from subtle comments, so I've discontinued communication with them.

 

Honestly, the only reason I don't want to go out with him is because I'm intimidated because he's so hot. I'm OK, but objectively he's better-looking than I am, and given this, I don't see it going anywhere serious. He would be an excellent candidate for something casual, but I don't feel I have time to piddle around with such silliness. If I fail to find Mr. Right during my remaining childbearing years, then I can escape my sorrow with all the meaningless fun I want after that.

 

Now he's starting to ask why I'm hesitant to meet him. I can't tell him the real reason, can I? I feel strange for ruling myself out before we've even met - but intellectually, I get that men want a woman who's at least as good-looking as they are or better, so it feels like a dead end. How do I turn him down politely?

 

This is a perfect reason why average men should just quit OLD. When average women have their option of top-of-the-line men (which is common on OLD), it's time to just pack it up and quit.

 

This is likely why average women, even in real life, have such entitlement issues.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Yeah, but I would prefer to go out with an average guy who is more likely to fall for me. I already had a relationship with the uberhot guy who was not in love with me, and I never want to repeat that experience. I had the same fear with him, that I wasn't gorgeous enough for such a gorgeous guy to fall for me, and my fear turned out to be warranted.

[Cristo]

^ Yeah, but I would prefer to go out with an average guy who is more likely to fall for me. I already had a relationship with the uberhot guy who was not in love with me, and I never want to repeat that experience. I had the same fear with him, that I wasn't gorgeous enough for such a gorgeous guy to fall for me, and my fear turned out to be warranted.

 

Then give average guys a chance. Based on your OP, it seems like you are targeting very good-looking men and then getting disappointed when most of them just want sex (and also disappointed when they want more than sex).

 

My point is that even the fact that women are able to date so far out of their league should discourage average men from using OLD and possibly even dating in general.

[Ruby Slippers]

I am giving anybody reasonable a chance. I went on a first date last weekend with an average-looking guy, but he was about 50 pounds heavier than his pictures. So a liar, basically. I was trying to plan date #2 with another average guy, but ruled him out when he asked me to travel further to meet.

[heartshaped]

I totally get what Ruby is saying. If I were to meet such a handsome man on OLD, I'd spontaneously wonder why he is single. After that I'd assume 1. he is not single, just a bored married man who wants to pass his time, 2. he has one really bad habit or drawback so no woman wants him, 3. he just wants to have fun but he's pretending to care about my interests and dreams just to get me to bed.

 

I understand that there is a chance none of these reasons are valid, but I don't give more than 1% chance that they are not valid. After all it's OLD. Men there have become experts in lying and manipulating hurt women. Personally I'd feel more comfortably with an average looking man who would express to me his anxiety and fear that I may not like him. I generally feel more comfortably around people who want to show their fears and insecurities cause I feel closer to them and I see they are just humans like me. Too secure and self conscious people are not my type and I run away from them.

 

Ruby, if you want to stop worrying about these reasons I gave above, you should try and find someone less attractive but more real. I don't agree with people telling you to meet him and see how it goes. Why give him the pleasure to know that he's driven crazy another woman for him?

 

I think this is a whole lot of projection and insecurity on your part, tbh.

 

Do you know what I get a lot from potential suitors? "You're such an attractive woman I can't believe you're single!"

 

It's like people think being attractive means you are more successful with dating or relationships than unattractive people.

 

Being attractive also seems to mean that you have to have some ulterior motive when dating or that you're out of someone's "league" because ya know, [people you consider] attractive people only date other [people you consider] attractive people.

 

It's ridiculous. The entire thing. Beauty and physical attraction are in the eyes of the beholder. Ruby's thinking she's out of this guy's "league" but he may be thinking the reverse or feel that Ruby is very physically attractive herself.

 

Which considering the fact Ruby manages to attract so many attractive men I would say Ruby isn't anything to scoff at and is probably very attractive herself.

 

Also, with this being OLD, I wouldn't be set on him being as attractive as photos would have you believe. Rarely have I met a man from OLD that was as attractive as his photo. Some people just photograph well.

[Cristo]

I think this is a whole lot of projection and insecurity on your part, tbh.

 

Do you know what I get a lot from potential suitors? "You're such an attractive woman I can't believe you're single!"

 

It's like people think being attractive means you are more successful with dating or relationships than unattractive people.

 

Being attractive also seems to mean that you have to have some ulterior motive when dating or that you're out of someone's "league" because ya know, [people you consider] attractive people only date other [people you consider] attractive people.

 

It's ridiculous. The entire thing. Beauty and physical attraction are in the eyes of the beholder. Ruby's thinking she's out of this guy's "league" but he may be thinking the reverse or feel that Ruby is very physically attractive herself.

 

Looks are objective, not subjective. I really wish people would stop spreading the myth of subjective attractiveness when it is clearly false.

 

Which considering the fact Ruby manages to attract so many attractive men I would say Ruby isn't anything to scoff at and is probably very attractive herself.

 

The fact that Ruby is able to get many dates from OLD does not mean that she is attractive. It just means that she's a woman using OLD.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree that looks aren't all that subjective. This guy (as well as my ex) is handsome enough to be in a magazine ad. 8-9 in facial attractiveness. I'm probably about 7. I will grant that I have a nice body and am smarter than your average Jane. But I think men tend to fall for the beautiful face primarily.

[Cristo]

I agree that looks aren't all that subjective. This guy (as well as my ex) is handsome enough to be in a magazine ad. 8-9 in facial attractiveness. I'm probably about 7. I will grant that I have a nice body and am smarter than your average Jane. But I think men tend to fall for the beautiful face primarily.

 

It's refreshing to hear a woman that is honest. And I agree with you: face is more important than body to most men.

 

Sorry for derailing your thread.

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do in this situation.

[SummerDreams]

I don't really agree with this. Yes, you must be careful with OLD and not get too attached too soon. However you can't assume every handsome man is hiding something sinister. Some guys just happen to be single. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

 

Some stereotypes exist just cause they have been created by many years of observation and comparison, thus I don't think they are wrong. In OLD I can't just hope, I mostly try to avoid the obstacles that are there and wish there is one guy who is a diamond in the rough. A hot guy in OLD in my opinion is 99% one of the 3 cases I mentioned above. Now if he is the 1% exception, I won't stick around and check it.

 

Men should never express anxiety and fear to a date. This is a so called 'beta' quality and will result in the mans rejection 9/10 times.

 

I disagree. I want a man who is human and he shows it. I want to know that he is sensitive and he can love me and he can be a good father in the future. The alpha males you describe are for young women in their twenties who just want to have fun. I've gone past the times when I only wanted fun. Now I want a partner and a father for my future kids.

 

I can believe self assurance and confidence is a turn off, oh my god!!

 

I guess what you meant was you can't believe these things are a turn off, well for me they ar, for the reasons I gave above.

 

The guy hasnt done anything yet, he hasnt driven anyone crazy. He wants a date. Ruby is capable of looking after herself I HOP

 

I know he hasn't done anything yet, but him being hot and in OLD suggests the above cases I gave, from which none are OK.

 

Less attractive and more real? What does that mean?

 

It means that all people who lack (or think they lack) one attribute they try to even it up with other attributes., that's why a big girl is almost always a good person or a short and kinda average looking guy is smart or kind etc. I know these sounds as stereotypes, but as I said before, I trust stereotypes cause they're there for a reason.

 

Sorry to pick on you, but this seems to be some strange advice

 

I don't see it as you picking on me, we are just having a conversation and thank you for that