He said I am not wife material

[Isntshelovely]

I have been dating this guy for about 2 months. I really liked him and was extremely attracted to him but things took a turn for the worse recently and I am upset and cannot stop thinking about what he told me. I am 34 and never married he is 32 also never married.

 

 

We went to a wedding Saturday, one of my long time friends got married.

 

 

After the wedding he took me home and did not come in dropped me off and told me he was tired and he would call me Sunday. He did not call or return any texts. He texted me Monday and asked if he could come over so we could talk and I was nervous that something was wrong. He came over to collect some stuff he had over and said that he was sorry and that he didn't think we should see each other anymore.

 

I asked why? He said I am not wife material. Totally floored and hurt I asked him what he meant? He just said he does not like my lifestyle, hinted that I have no domestic skills at all, I don't seem like the motherly type and he wants a woman he can marry and have a family with and he does not see me as that person. He hinted he thought I was lazy and lacked motivation and any goals in life.

 

I admit after being single for so long my house is not the cleanest and I'm not the greatest cook, I'm so used to doing things my way. I sleep in on weekends until 10. I have a full time job and work a lot of hours I like to sleep on weekends. I do want kids eventually and maybe I have some bad habits to break but I was not expecting this. I cried all night and was up all night cleaning my house, ordered some nice home décor and called in sick to work the next day. I'm completely depressed with being dumped. Looking for some words of wisdom here.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[WhatIsLove2014]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't anything that's not the normal cliché things to say.

 

Sending hugs and love your way.

[sagamore]

I'm so sorry. It's very painful when someone makes you feel like who you are isn't good enough.

 

When I was single, I kept a pretty messy house and slept in when I could. Didn't have many domestic skills. No seasonal decorations or baking expertise. I married someone who loved me for my brain and my wicked sense of humor. He didn't give a sh*t about household decorations or whether I could make cookies. We hire a housecleaner and order takeout. And we are very happy. So is my little girl, who thinks I'm the best mommy ever despite my domestic inadequacies.

 

The right guy for you will love you just as you are. This guy wasn't the right one. Eat your ice cream, listen to some Ani DiFranco songs and then get out there and find someone better. Take care.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You sound like me in a lot of ways. Though, he is way too judgemental about what he expects in marriage. I have been with a few live in GFs in my life, and was always the one to cook, clean and laundry. What I do for myself alone is simplistic and less frequent because nobody else has to deal with it but me. Yes there are two sides of every person, and if he can't except a woman not afraid to let her hair go wild on a weekend, then no sense feeling bad about yourself because of it. He just does not realize you are probably a better wife than what he'll find elsewhere.

Edited October 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Full quote of OP redacted

[Lani]

You're not the wife material he's looking for..

 

But that doesn't mean you're unworthy.. you are absolutely someone elses material.

At least you found this out now, rather than down the track. Different opinions on marriage are common, and it's okay to want different things.

 

Don't beat yourself up about this. It was a comparability thing, not a you thing.

[Gloria25]

I'm sorry for your pain, but I hope that you can take this as an opportunity to learn and grow...I mean, sometimes people just break up and give you nothing to work with.

 

Now, I find it hard to say he's being judgmental cuz I'm late 30's. I can look at people and see certain things that - from my experience - let me know certain things about them...Sorry, that just comes with age. You know what you're looking for and you get better at weeding out sooner than later what you don't want.

 

And, I'm sorry, but while I've also never been married and have pets - but my home is not "messy"...I even do landscaping for me, my brother's home, and volunteer in/out my hood. I also cook. Mind you, I've done this over the years while working (sometimes more than one job), going to school, taking care of my mom, etc.

 

Yes, there's times I get really busy and/or tired, but I don't live in mess. Also, when I "know" I'm having company - I even put the extra effort to make sure they are coming over to a clean home. So, if you didn't even bother to try to clean up the place when you KNEW he was coming over, then what does that even tell him?

 

I have two gfs I knew when I was in the military. Both kept nasty barracks rooms and/or a freakin' one bedroom condo. I mean, one chick, she didn't have toilet paper, napkins, or paper towels!!! And, the garbage was stinking up the one bedroom condo.

 

Well, they both somehow got some guy to marry them. One guy even used to clean up the barracks room for one of those chicks. Well, now both are divorced.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Gloria25

[IronZ]

Domestic skills? Sounds like he's looking for someone to cook and clean for him. Forget that guy.

[CarrieT]

You're not the wife material he's looking for..

^ ^ THIS ^ ^

 

OP, take solace in the fact that he was honest with you. I don't know if you should go about radically changing your lifestyle for someone who is not in your life anymore - especially if you are happy and content the way you life.

 

Conversely, I have broken up with men who I felt lived a different lifestyle than what *I* was comfortable with and that is what dating is all about; determining one's compatibility with someone else.

 

I am one who doesn't like clutter and appreciates a sense of style and I briefly dated a man who lived in a posh apartment, but on a mattress surrounded by empty beer bottles and cigarette butts (and he was shockingly wealthy). I tried for a long time with him but I grew to resent his slovenly ways and knew it was not going to work.

 

As others have said, there is someone there who will not care about those things that caused this guy to break up with you. It is just a matter of figuring out where to find him.

[Gloria25]

Domestic skills? Sounds like he's looking for someone to cook and clean for him. Forget that guy.

 

So, is he gonna cook and clean for her?

 

Even if people wanna make the "no gender roles" argument...if you get with someone who can't even keep their own place clean, how do you think they're gonna keep the space you two will eventually share together? Are you two gonna get a maid? I mean, I do see a rise in "maid services" lately...

 

And, about the cooking? Cooking saves money and is healthy. Even "if" he were to take on the cooking, can she ever "treat" him to a decent meal?

 

I don't think he's looking for a maid. He's probably looking for a woman who can make a "house" a "home" if one day he wants to get married and have kids.

[Lani]

So, is he gonna cook and clean for her?

 

Even if people wanna make the "no gender roles" argument...if you get with someone who can't even keep their own place clean, how do you think they're gonna keep the space you two will eventually share together? Are you two gonna get a maid? I mean, I do see a rise in "maid services" lately...

 

And, about the cooking? Cooking saves money and is healthy. Even "if" he were to take on the cooking, can she ever "treat" him to a decent meal?

 

I don't think he's looking for a maid. He's probably looking for a woman who can make a "house" a "home" if one day he wants to get married and have kids.

 

Which is all fine. He can want what he wants. And that's not OP.

 

She's accustomed to the life she has. And yes, when you're in a relationship you make some adjustments. But at the end of the day she is who she is, and I suspect she likes her life the way it is. There will be someone who fits into that and wants things the way she does.

 

Everyone is entitled to have their own ways. It's finding someone compatible with those, rather than moulding yourself into something you aren't.. that's just setting things up to fail.

[Divasu]

What a wiener.

 

Tiss reminds me of the friction caused during a past relationship.

 

If work/family/errands/pets/whichever wasn't a factor, I could probably sleep peacefully thru a 24-hour period. You can plop me on a park bench in the middle of Central Park and I'd have no problem sleeping.

 

This individual, however, was up every day between 4am-5am (even on days off) and wanting me to get up at the same time. No no... I like my sleep when it's afforded, so have fun!

[Gloria25]

Which is all fine. He can want what he wants. And that's not OP.

 

She's accustomed to the life she has. And yes, when you're in a relationship you make some adjustments. But at the end of the day she is who she is, and I suspect she likes her life the way it is. There will be someone who fits into that and wants things the way she does.

 

Everyone is entitled to have their own ways. It's finding someone compatible with those, rather than moulding yourself into something you aren't.. that's just setting things up to fail.

 

Agreed, everyone is entitled to seek out what they're looking for...but, while I don't advocate changing who you are, sometimes people may be pointing out something that if we consider changing, can benefit us.

 

For example, the cooking. By cooking you save money and it is good for your health. Also, having conversations over a dinner table is something that has faded over the years and appears to contribute to the lack of communication needed between family members. So, picking up some better cooking habits would harm who?

[SycamoreCircle]

I'm sorry---everyone seems focused on what this guy said, as if it were a lightning bolt of truth from the mouth of Zeus.

 

I'm assuming you'd been sleeping with this guy, right? Well, if a man, a good man I should specify, is looking for wife material, he'll ascertain a woman's lifestyle before jumping into bed with her and beginning an emotional journey. That's the role of good hubby material.

 

If this was really about your ability to tie the room together and cook a mouth-watering brisket, I'm betting he would have been looking at those things a lot earlier.

 

My guess is he found other tail to chase.

 

That may sound cruel, but his judging of your life indicates a real douche to me.

 

I hereby dub thee... Bullet Dodger.

[Gloria25]

I'm sorry---everyone seems focused on what this guy said, as if it were a lightning bolt of truth from the mouth of Zeus.

 

I'm assuming you'd been sleeping with this guy, right? Well, if a man, a good man I should specify, is looking for wife material, he'll ascertain a woman's lifestyle before jumping into bed with her and beginning an emotional journey. That's the role of good hubby material.

 

If this was really about your ability to tie the room together and cook a mouth-watering brisket, I'm betting he would have been looking at those things a lot earlier.

 

My guess is he found other tail to chase.

 

That may sound cruel, but his judging of your life indicates a real douche to me.

 

I hereby dub thee... Bullet Dodger.

 

They've only been dating two months...if he didn't sleep with her by two months, then she would have been posting here about why he hasn't slept with her sooner.

 

Dating (unless you're just looking for companionship) is to figure out if you're a match. You can only find that out over time. Maybe the first few times he saw her place messy, he was watching to see if it was a one time thing or if that's how she is...Well, two months have gone by and I guess he figured out her messiness is who she is - not a one time thing.

[whichwayisup]

What an ass.hole! Really he's an ass.hole and cruel.

 

Don't let him make you feel bad. His loss, not yours!!

[SycamoreCircle]

They've only been dating two months...if he didn't sleep with her by two months, then she would have been posting here about why he hasn't slept with her sooner.

 

Dating (unless you're just looking for companionship) is to figure out if you're a match. You can only find that out over time. Maybe the first few times he saw her place messy, he was watching to see if it was a one time thing or if that's how she is...Well, two months have gone by and I guess he figured out her messiness is who she is - not a one time thing.

 

 

That's not necessarily true. I recently went on a date with a 34 year old woman living in NYC who told me her last relationship was amazing. It was a 3-month-long romance with a man with no sex involved. He ended up leaving for work. "The foreplay was incredible." Yes, she was sad that it ended but she described the guy as "a perfect gentleman."

[beach]

Use this as a chance to grow. Learn how to cook as many meals as you can, clean up your house. Working full time isn't an excuse. Learn some motherly traits. Don't wallow in self pity. Use this as an opportunity to grow personally.

 

ONLY do this IF it's your style. Do not change who you are because someone criticized you.

 

If those are his expectations then he is better off looking for someone to mother him, cook and clean. But he is right not to think you should change to suit his needs only.

 

A man should love you for who you authentically are.

 

He could cook and clean...

[Isntshelovely]

Thank you all for taking the time to response. Yes we did sleep together but not immediately. I thought we were still in the stage of getting to know each other. Yes the sex was great, I thought he liked me and accepted all my little quirkiness. I guess not.

[SycamoreCircle]

ONLY do this IF it's your style. Do not change who you are because someone criticized you.

 

If those are his expectations then he is better off looking for someone to mother him, cook and clean. But he is right not to think you should change to suit his needs only.

 

A man should love you for who you authentically are.

 

He could cook and clean...

 

Agreed. You can choose to learn some nice homemaking skills---wouldn't hurt and you can say "hey, I turned a negative into a positive, I'm so proud of this scarf I knitted!" But I guarantee if you decide to change yourself because of what that CONTROLLER said, the next guy you go goo-goo over will find you slaving over a hot stove an impediment to his wanting to burn up the night! So...just do you.

[Adele0908]

Girl I got your medicine. Times I want to quit LS but then I read things like this...

 

I've had a guy say this about me. I was 24, he was 23...I'm 31 and he is now divorced. LMFAO.

 

He had this idea about what a woman should be and it was based on his mom.

 

But we all know that most of us have grown up with dysfunctional parents. It's the smart ones (in my opinion) that realize this and at least try grow past the dysfunctional beliefs we received from our parents. Sometimes that means we don't marry when we "think" we should, and instead choose to take our time.

 

Anyway, if I were in your position, I would not take what he said personally. Let him go. Let him go find his wife material so he can end up on Viagra in 10 years. I work in the medical field and so many men like this end up getting pills to get their d**** hard for "wife material". They will be trying to track you down then. I have had a few guys like this. LOL.

 

Let him go and if you are the "nice" type of woman, cut that out. People don't respect nice. Just be you, get in touch with your emotions, and HONOR your emotional needs..

 

Allow yourself to get sad, angry and upset. Allow the rage. Let it run through you. You need to feel it. So that you never allow yourself to be treated badly again. Know your worth. You can birth life, you are powerful. Go out in nature, and sit for 30 minutes and meditate. Just get in touch with you. Put this guy to the side.

 

I think everything will work out for you and you will get all that you desire.

 

Good luck.

[Gloria25]

 

Anyway, if I were in your position, I would not take what he said personally. Let him go. Let him go find his wife material so he can end up on Viagra in 10 years. I work in the medical field and so many men like this end up getting pills to get their d**** hard for "wife material". They will be trying to track you down then. I have had a few guys like this. LOL.

 

So, I guess if a woman can cook and clean she can't be fox in the bedroom?

 

Well, I guess I'm not like most women then...:roll eyes:

 

But then again, I've heard the stories of women who isolate themselves to caring for the home and the kids while hubby gets neglected.

[Adele0908]

So, I guess if a woman can cook and clean she can't be fox in the bedroom?

 

Well, I guess I'm not like most women then...:roll eyes:

 

But then again, I've heard the stories of women who isolate themselves to caring for the home and the kids while hubby gets neglected.

 

You can definitely be both a domestic woman and a sexually free woman.

 

I think it's ideal.

 

But it's not easy. A lot of men can't accept a woman being sexually free while also being traditional. They think it doesn't exist. They think a woman can only be one or the other ( Madonna vs. wh#re").

 

No woman is just one or the other. I think every woman is a mix of both. But some women play the good girl so they can secure a husband. But they also get a certain type of man with this act. I think its the type of man who will cheat. Because a man needs both the madonna and the "wh#re".

[dragon_fly_7]

Use this as a chance to grow. Learn how to cook as many meals as you can, clean up your house. Working full time isn't an excuse. Learn some motherly traits. Don't wallow in self pity. Use this as an opportunity to grow personally.

I don't agree. Just because that's not the type of woman the OP's now ex bf is looking for marriage, why does she suddenly have to change who she is and her lifestyle, what she likes and what she's use to?

 

If a bf dumped me because I'm not a great cook (it's true... I'm not... I'm just average) nor take time in decorating houses, I'll be glad I'm done with him. I'm not going to be a great cook just because it's important for one man. Why change for one man when I can find another that loves me for who I am and I'm compatible with?

 

Though kudos for him because at least he was honest in what he's looking for in a wife (well according to him as all men are different) instead of stringing you along and faking future like some cowardly men do.

Edited October 23, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[IronZ]

Use this as a chance to grow. Learn how to cook as many meals as you can, clean up your house. Working full time isn't an excuse. Learn some motherly traits. Don't wallow in self pity. Use this as an opportunity to grow personally.

 

Yeah I'm just gonna put this out there for everyone to see. Nobody take this advice, especially not the OP. If she wants to learn to cook and clean, she can. She should not do it to be a "good wife" for some guy. Marriage and love are not about things like this. If the guy really cared about her he would've taken the good with the bad, not dropped her just because she wasn't perfect. Because when you're in love, everything about them is perfect in your eyes.

[Toodaloo]

It was 2 months... Thank God it wasn't longer...

 

Girl you have freeeeeeddddooooommmm!

 

I am the opposite. My house is cleaner and tidier these days and I love it. I love that it smells fresh and I have flowers. I can walk about with out having to watch where I tread. I can pick a DVD case up and the corresponding DVD is actually in it... My bed is cleaner and fresher ALL the time, you can make a meal in the kitchen whenever you want and you always have clean pots and pans to use... I love it. But I do believe that spiders are the sign of a happy home and I refuse point blank to kick them out now its cold outside. It would be very uncharitable of me not to share my home with them so I have massive cobwebs!

 

So this guy doesn't want to marry you because you left a few socks on the floor... Thank goodness you didn't waste much time on him! Now get up go and do the things that you want to do and have some fun.

 

Ask any woman if they had a choice between the ironing pile and having a cup of tea and a chin wag with friends and the answer would always be the cuppa. If its not then you have to start worrying.

 

This guy, he can wash his own dishes and iron his own shirts. Let him get on with it. One of the biggest mistakes I make in relationships is that I become "mother" and end up becoming very boring as I rush around trying to be cleaner, cook, PA and whore in the bedroom! In fact I am so busy trying to please them that I lose myself. SOD THAT! Never again.

 

Don't change, be yourself and find someone who does want to marry you dirty dishes and all... believe you me when kids come along there will be plenty of those!!!

 

Chin up chook.