BF lies and not sure I can trust him?

[headheldhigh14]

I've been with my bf since the summer. We knew each other from university years ago. He is separated and has children who he has alternating weeks. For the most part its great -- lots of fun and really enjoy each others company. We have the same sense of humour and have a lot in common. We have been spending almost all our free time together. We hang out at his house and I have been sleeping over every night he doesn't have his children.

 

We had some issues wrt punctuality. I had to change the time I was going to his house, which he was upset about. I agreed to give him realistic time next time. And he was late a couple times meeting me at his house. I talked to him about it, but he thought I had an issue with him going out with his friends, but I don't. It's about courtesy.

 

Since then, things have been moving quickly. He has been talking to me about moving in, alluded to really caring about me, and has been thoughtful (helping me around my house, with my car, etc). I've told him I love him and he replies the same (but hasn't actually said it yet on his own).

 

But I have some concerns.....

 

There was once incident which I found odd. One day I understood he was coming over in the evening after work because the day before he commented about what he was going to do when he came over. We texted during that day briefly, but no mention of the evening. No big deal. After work, I don't hear from him, but that's normal. We don't always talk after work sometimes until bedtime. But this night, it was bedtime and he wasn't at my place yet. I text him but he didn't reply. I go to sleep and the next morning I get a text from him saying, "Wow! I slept for 16 hours baby!" No mention of him failing to come over, no apology, no nothing. I was upset. I just responded with "cool". He knew I was upset. When I saw him, I told him I was upset and why. He made some lame-a$$ excuse. He said he knew he was supposed to come over but didn't because he just fell asleep and didn't realize he slept through the night. He said when he awoke, he knew I'd be upset so he sent me that text immediately. Then I'm thinking, "wth didn't you apologize or say anything about not coming over in your morning text?"

 

Also, I have caught him in some lies and more excuses....

 

One day he went to a car show with his buddy and his buddy1's female friend. My bf texted me throughout the day he was there. He told me how annoying the female friend is and it was excruciating riding home listening to her. The next night my bf goes out for drinks with buddy2. He texts me throughout his time with buddy2. He texted when he was done. I naturally make comment about him going home. He texts saying he went to another bar instead. I was surprised but said cool and asked with who? He said with buddy1's female friend. Just them two. I was again surprised considering how much he cut her up. I told him that and he said, "what? can't a guy take a girl out for her birthday?" I though it weird. But I dropped it. (Since that night, he told me she had gotten upset with him because she thought he liked her.)

 

Then, another day we were at one of his work parties. Buddy2 works there too. I see them talking it up with a very attractive young coworker. I speak to her at another point through the night. After party, we discuss how the night went. I mentioned how attractive the female coworker is and asked if he agreed. He said, "Her?! No! Gawd, she is so not my type. She is huge! An amazon." Meanwhile, she is about 5'9" 145lbs and is not huge or an amazon. BTW, he emails with her as friends. Anyway, the next day I run into Buddy2 and mention the woman. He said he thinks she is drop dead gorgeous and so does my bf. So, my bf lied to me.

 

Another time, my bf lied to his staff (who are also female friends of his) about where he was going on a Friday. He told them he had to stay home and watch his kids because they had a day off school. Meanwhile, he sent his kids to daycare while he spent the day golfing and drinking. So he lied to his

friends/staff. BTW, he told me he was going golfing but never told me what he told his staff or what he was doing with his kids, AFTER I asked him. He just evaded the question. I dropped it.

 

We gone camping with his kids one weekend. He kept saying what a great weekend and how well everything turned out. After the trip, at his house, I heard him on the phone with his exwife. I was going to leave the room to give him privacy but he told me to stay and wait. I heard him tell her how he took their kids camping and they had fun, but that he hated it. That he hates camping. (WTF?!) I asked him after why he said that. He said because he wants her to think his life sucks and that her's is better. He thinks it helps him have better relations with her. He also told me how he's lied to her and told her his income is the same as hers (when it's at least $20K/yr more) so he doesn't have to pay her more support than he does. (They don't have support payments in their separation agreement because she didn't want any support. Then she ran into some tough times and so they have a verbal support agreement, not on the books, where he gives her a few hundred dollars a month.) So he lies to his exwife.

 

The next morning, we are in the gym together. We run into some guy he knows and he tells guy how he went camping with his kids. He tells guy how much he hates camping. LMAO! I again ask him after why lie? He said, "You have to tell people what they want to hear. They'd rather hear the negative." WTH?! So he lies to others.

 

Then he went out after work with his buddy3 to bar/restaurant. I show up later with our friend, buddy2. They weren't expecting us. But my bf makes another lame-a$$ excuse to cover his ass. he says, "I didn't order your drink yet cause I didn't know what you wanted." WTH? He didn't order it yet cause he didn't know i was coming.

 

Lastly, he made plans for a weekend getaway with female-friend2 and hubby, not me. When I asked why, he said no weekends worked that I could go. Later on, I am talking to buddy2 who says BF told him that he invited me too. So he lied to his friend and gave me another lame-a$$ excuse.

 

Soooooo, I'm wondering if I've been reading too much into these incidents and this is what normal people in a normal relationship do....lie, mislead, bs just a little bit? Or should I be legitimately concerned with the lies?

Edited October 22, 2014 by headheldhigh14

[Tayken]

There is an insurgence of long posts lately on here.

 

The answer remains the same when it comes to liars.....ABORT. It transcends to other facets of their lives, and the question is are you willing to put yourself through this knowing what you know now?

[headheldhigh14]

I know..very long post. I wanted to capture the big picture. Thanks for replying. I am losing trust quickly. Have some thinking to do.

[beach]

You can't trust him. He's a complete liar.

 

There's no basis for the relationship without trust. He's ruined it.

 

 

What is the reason he's divorcing?

 

Can you see he's actually not divorced yet? Never date a separated man.

 

Do not move in with him - he can't be trusted. I think he slept with someone else the night he said he slept 16 hours... Probably his wife.

[Arieswoman]

headheldhigh14,

 

Since then, things have been moving quickly. He has been talking to me about moving in,

 

Whoooooaaaaaaa ! Let's slow this down.

 

So he lies to his exwife.

 

Lastly, he made plans for a weekend getaway with female-friend2 and hubby, not me. When I asked why, he said no weekends worked that I could go. Later on, I am talking to buddy2 who says BF told him that he invited me too. So he lied to his friend and gave me another lame-a$$ excuse.

 

WTH?! So he lies to others.

 

What's that quote about "when people show you who they are, believe them"?

 

Ask yourself if you really want to move in and 'keep house' for a liar and a barfly, or do you deserve better?

 

It's your choice, but you can't say you weren't warned...

 

Good luck...

[Toodaloo]

My BF lies - not sure I can trust him...

 

The title says it all.

 

No you can't trust someone who lies. This is not telling fibs to cover up your surprise party these are just fibs.

 

Deal breaker for me.

[Diezel]

Also, I have caught him in some lies and more excuses....

 

 

Or should I be legitimately concerned with the lies?

 

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

[Mrin]

tl;dr

At least not all of it. Some of the stuff seems pretty minor and more just him spinning things to prevent hurting your feelings. But others are more concerning - especially the one about taking his buddy's GF out. If you take them all together I really smacks of someone who is very manipulative and untrustworthy. Factor in his pending divorce and reasons for it and I have to tell you, I would be concerned.

[headheldhigh14]

tl;dr

At least not all of it. Some of the stuff seems pretty minor and more just him spinning things to prevent hurting your feelings. But others are more concerning - especially the one about taking his buddy's GF out. If you take them all together I really smacks of someone who is very manipulative and untrustworthy. Factor in his pending divorce and reasons for it and I have to tell you, I would be concerned.

 

Right. Some minor stuff. But it keeps happening and looking at the overall picture its concerning. That's why I asked the question. Thanks for your reply.

[acrosstheuniverse]

When you quiz your boyfriend, at a party, about a female friend, with a 'oh, who's that? Cool. She's really gorgeous. Don't you think she's pretty? what do you expect him to say? 'Yes, she's hot' and have you get all jealous and paranoid? Or a white lie, 'no, she's not my type!' to get you off his case. The fact that you quizzed his friend the next day and actually brought this woman up and said whatever you did to elicit the response that the buddy thought she was hot too and your boyfriend agrees is kinda worrying. He's probably embarrassed by your behaviour. And what was the deal about showing up at the bar he was at, with one of his friends, when he wasn't expecting you? You don't say that you ran into him at a bar with your friends, which I'm pretty sure you would have done if that were the case. It looks as though you've actually gone to catch him out. And the hypervigilance over what he tells people he's doing at the weekend is frankly a little creepy when you've been together a matter of weeks.

 

Anyway, some of the other stuff could be construed as lying but you also seem like you'll pick up on any little thing and blow it up to be all-important too. I think this relationship rushed too fast. The guy isn't even divorced (you said separated... therefore 'ex-wife' is actually just 'wife'), he has children, you've been seeing one another since Summer (which is what... four months, maximum?), he hasn't said he loves you and yet there have been talks about moving in? This is all back to front.

[headheldhigh14]

When you quiz your boyfriend, at a party, about a female friend, with a 'oh, who's that? Cool. She's really gorgeous. Don't you think she's pretty? what do you expect him to say? 'Yes, she's hot' and have you get all jealous and paranoid? Or a white lie, 'no, she's not my type!' to get you off his case.

 

So do you believe white lies are ok? Or could he have been honest and tactful, "sure, she's attractive."

 

And what was the deal about showing up at the bar he was at, with one of his friends, when he wasn't expecting you? You don't say that you ran into him at a bar with your friends, which I'm pretty sure you would have done if that were the case. It looks as though you've actually gone to catch him out.

 

The buddy2 invited me to join him for drinks at bar with bf and buddy3. Otherwise, I wouldn't have gone. I wouldn't have even contrived a way to go.

 

And the hypervigilance over what he tells people he's doing at the weekend is frankly a little creepy when you've been together a matter of weeks.

 

Hypervigilance? Maybe. idk. But he was acting out of character. Questioned me if I had talked to our friends at work. When I asked him why, he wouldn't tell me. He never told me the lie he told them to begin with. So the whole thing was off.

 

I think this relationship rushed too fast. , he hasn't said he loves you and yet there have been talks about moving in? This is all back to front.

 

I agree. I think it's moving too fast. He did say we are exclusive and he's happy with just seeing me. But because we're talking moving in together, I have expectations that this is a committed relationship and all that comes with that. So should I be reading into things this early or should I just go with the flow and wait til we move in to have my eyes wide open???

[OwMyEyeball]

He lies to others about generally mundane events, sentiments and beliefs. It seems habitual.

 

What would ever lead you to believe that he won't lie to you? Habitually.

 

If you're cool being more tightly involved with someone whose true intentions, feelings and actions are casually twisted then by all means, full steam ahead! Everyone loves a good puzzle.

[mrs rubble]

I nearly dumped my current boyfriend over one lie, he knows if I catch him out again that's it!

 

My ex was a habitual liar.

 

He used to ask me to lie when he didn't want to talk to his parents on the phone, I used to tell them "he told me to tell you he's not here/not well":lmao:

He lied about money, he even went as far as forging a signature when he lied about how much he sold my car for.

 

Your guy is in the same sort of league as my ex-hubby. Unless you like to play guessing games, or be decieved over things I'd end it now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Eh, he's a known cheater. He is someone who will act on his own interests and put his desires first. And you know he lies. Not good boyfriend material.

 

And he lies because he thinks others only want to hear the negative? That is some odd logic and a load of crap. You know and he knows it. The question now is do you want to continue with someone who has problems with honesty and loyalty.

[avintagegirl]

If this were me I'd get out now. It really doesn't matter the reasons he has for lying the way he does at the end of the day it is dishonest and disrespectful to you.

 

For me if a man does not respect me and I can't trust the words coming out of his mouth, then he doesn't need to share my life. Why have that headache if you don't have to?

[headheldhigh14]

He lies to others about generally mundane events, sentiments and beliefs. It seems habitual.

 

What would ever lead you to believe that he won't lie to you? Habitually.

 

If you're cool being more tightly involved with someone whose true intentions, feelings and actions are casually twisted then by all means, full steam ahead! Everyone loves a good puzzle.

 

Hellz no! It's making me think I'm going crazy. Thanks.

 

I always have this funny feeling...like he has a double life. Like he has another agenda I don't know about...constantly thinking, or plotting, scheming. I feel like I'm on the periphery. He's not who he says he is, not sharing all of himself, not revealing or including me in his truth, life. Plans. Idk. Maybe cause we're new in a relationship. Is this normal?

 

Is he afraid to share too much if himself cause he's afraid if being vulnerable in a new relationship? Will he open up more and feel more comfortable telling me the truth once we are together longer?

[WhatIsLove2014]

Hellz no! It's making me think I'm going crazy. Thanks.

 

I always have this funny feeling...like he has a double life. Like he has another agenda I don't know about...constantly thinking, or plotting, scheming. I feel like I'm on the periphery. He's not who he says he is, not sharing all of himself, not revealing or including me in his truth, life. Plans. Idk. Maybe cause we're new in a relationship. Is this normal?

 

Is he afraid to share too much if himself cause he's afraid if being vulnerable in a new relationship? Will he open up more and feel more comfortable telling me the truth once we are together longer?

 

But he's lying to you...not just being quiet or not sharing. He is out and out lying.

 

The signs are there. Open your eyes. The longer this goes on, the more hurt you will be. He will keep lying and the lies will get worse.

[OwMyEyeball]

Hellz no! It's making me think I'm going crazy. Thanks.

 

I always have this funny feeling...like he has a double life. Like he has another agenda I don't know about...constantly thinking, or plotting, scheming. I feel like I'm on the periphery. He's not who he says he is, not sharing all of himself, not revealing or including me in his truth, life. Plans. Idk. Maybe cause we're new in a relationship. Is this normal?

 

Is he afraid to share too much if himself cause he's afraid if being vulnerable in a new relationship? Will he open up more and feel more comfortable telling me the truth once we are together longer?

 

This guy must be really, really good at turning your crank for this line of reasoning to even be considered.

 

He lies. Blatantly. Without remorse. To get a desired effect from other people.

 

You already feel uneasy around him.

 

And you expect that somehow time will reverse a deeply ingrained behavioural pattern.

 

Tell me ... how will you know he's "turned the corner" if you can't even trust him to tell the basic truth about anything?

[avintagegirl]

Hellz no! It's making me think I'm going crazy. Thanks.

 

I always have this funny feeling...like he has a double life. Like he has another agenda I don't know about...constantly thinking, or plotting, scheming. I feel like I'm on the periphery. He's not who he says he is, not sharing all of himself, not revealing or including me in his truth, life. Plans. Idk. Maybe cause we're new in a relationship. Is this normal?

 

Is he afraid to share too much if himself cause he's afraid if being vulnerable in a new relationship? Will he open up more and feel more comfortable telling me the truth once we are together longer?

 

No, its not normal, nor is it healthy for you to be stressing about all of this. Why are you putting yourself through all this grief for a man you can't trust?

 

I think it is a bit worrisome that you are justifying his bad behavior. Go with your gut girl. From what I have seen, when men are ready to be in a relationship they are open and honest. If he isn't ready, there is nothing you can do to make him be ready. He is a grown man. If at this point he is grown enough to have kids, he is grown enough to be a man and tell the truth - especially to you, don't you think?

[acrosstheuniverse]

So do you believe white lies are ok? Or could he have been honest and tactful, "sure, she's attractive."

 

Meh, it really depends... if a man has a jealous partner who constantly asks questions to try and trip him up and then has histrionics when he admits someone else is attractive then maybe the easiest thing to do for some people is just lie outright to avoid all of the drama. I'm not saying the lying is alright, personally I would try maintain honesty at all costs and if a man couldn't handle me saying another man was attractive, when asked, I wouldn't really see him as emotionally mature enough for a relationship. Thing is, why are you even asking him if he thinks a clearly stunning woman is attractive? What is to gain by that? My boyfriend has attractive female friends, if someone is attractive it's obvious. I might comment if it comes up in conversation 'yeah, Amy is gorgeous!' but I wouldn't be asking him for his opinion on the matter because a) it doesn't matter and b) only a blind man could ignore the fact that she's stunning. What's important to me is that he's in a relationship with me, he makes me feel like I'm the most beautiful woman on earth, and that's it really. Other people's physical beauty is immaterial, it might attract somebody but at the end of the day it's not how pretty someone is that keeps you together, it's the shared interests, chemistry, the fun you have, the shared goals, the ability to talk forever without being bored of each other.

 

Unless he or she did something that was inappropriate for people in relationships, I prefer to trust him to control himself around women and to choose his friends well. I have a male friend I thought was a very good friend for the past two years (been to his house, met his wife and beautiful kids) who this weekend texted me telling me that he'd had a sex dream about me, it was amazing, and when I said 'oh my god that's awkward, what did your wife say?' he said he hadn't told her and he's been thinking about me like that a lot lately. He crossed the line, disrespected his wife, me as a friend, and my partner as well, my partner. I called him out on it because it really upset me, I thought he was a true friend not a guy waiting to try it on with me, told my partner all about it as it was happening, told the friend he was a pr1ck and I didn't consider us friends anymore and then screenshotted it all and messaged it to his wife, because she deserves to know (She hasn't seen it because we no longer have him as a mutual friend on facebook, I don't know when she will see it, but I tried). He has been deleted from my facebook.

 

Anyway like others have said, this does have disaster written all over it, for me it's more the fact that he cheated. Therefore not good relationship material, and I would assume that if someone could lie to and cheat on their own wife, they could certainly do it to me or anybody else they date. Secondly, you're so edgy and anxious and insecure already it doesn't bode well. Unless you have a serious pattern of feeling this way in any relationship, it's a bad sign that your dynamic together is already leading you to come here with all of this stuff. And thirdly, yes it's all back to front; you are NOT really to move in together, most people wouldn't even have introduced the children by now.

 

Next time he mentions moving in, laugh and say let's not put the cart before the horse. Take the pressure off and go back to just enjoying each other's company. It's fine if you want to spend most nights together when he doesn't have the kids, but try not to bring the pressure of a shared lease before you've even said you love each other. It's just crazy!

Edited October 25, 2014 by acrosstheuniverse

[ExpatInItaly]

Hellz no! It's making me think I'm going crazy. Thanks.

 

I always have this funny feeling...like he has a double life. Like he has another agenda I don't know about...constantly thinking, or plotting, scheming. I feel like I'm on the periphery. He's not who he says he is, not sharing all of himself, not revealing or including me in his truth, life. Plans. Idk. Maybe cause we're new in a relationship. Is this normal?

 

Is he afraid to share too much if himself cause he's afraid if being vulnerable in a new relationship? Will he open up more and feel more comfortable telling me the truth once we are together longer?

 

No. But this is what people tell themselves when they don't want to believe what's blatantly obvious: he's lying to protect his own a*s and serve his own interests. Vulnerability? I think not. Do not try to tell yourself he lies because he's afraid to be hurt. Please.

 

And for heaven's sake, no - It's not normal! Have you ever been in a relationship where this level of dishonesty and discomfort is normal? I highly doubt it. He's bad news and you should be listening to your gut instead of your ego.

[Georgia2014]

He is a liar and a cheater. How do you know he eventually won't feel like he's not being loved by you enough and decides to cheat? He thinks it's ok to lie about little things which will eventually become bigger lies. I would not move in with him. It would probably get worse if you do move in with him. I'm just wondering why did you get involved with him while he is still separated? I do OLD and when ever I see separated as their marital status I instantly hit the back button.

[headheldhigh14]

But he's lying to you...not just being quiet or not sharing. He is out and out lying.

 

The signs are there. Open your eyes. The longer this goes on, the more hurt you will be. He will keep lying and the lies will get worse.

 

Yes, he may keep lying. Maybe I should tell him my concerns and that he needs to be open and honest if we are going to have a relationship.

 

It's hard to end it without talking first. I love the guy.

 

I may wait and see. Give it a bit of time. Keep my eyes open. Then go from there. If he keeps lying, starts lying to me or lies big, then I'm out. But tell him first that it's a deal breaker, at least.

Edited October 27, 2014 by headheldhigh14

[headheldhigh14]

No, its not normal, nor is it healthy for you to be stressing about all of this. Why are you putting yourself through all this grief for a man you can't trust?

 

I think it is a bit worrisome that you are justifying his bad behavior. Go with your gut girl. From what I have seen, when men are ready to be in a relationship they are open and honest. If he isn't ready, there is nothing you can do to make him be ready. He is a grown man. If at this point he is grown enough to have kids, he is grown enough to be a man and tell the truth - especially to you, don't you think?

 

 

I sometimes have this feeling that he really doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. That I'm fun...for now. but I'm not who he really wants. Maybe you're right, all his lying and excuses are a sign he's not that into me.