Do men sometimes use sympathy to get you to lower your guard?

[dragonfire13]

I recently met up with a guy through OLD - I wouldn't call it a date, more of a getting to know you type of thing. Found him attractive, really easy to talk to and subsequently, he ended up divulging a lot of personal info.

 

This happens a lot to me with people I've just met, not just men - they tend to be really comfortable talking to me about a number of personal things.

 

But I don't know if this guy is using the sympathy card to get me to lower my guard, or if he genuinely just finds it easy to talk to me. Some examples:

 

1) He told me about his time spent in foster care (something I could relate to)

2) He mentioned how he has very few friends, and how you seem to lose them as you get older (again, something I can relate to).

3) He told me about a past relationship where his ex-gf had a few personal issues (didn't say exactly what) and how he found it difficult to end the relationship, despite being unhappy, because he was concerned for her.

4) This guy is very attractive/charming, so when I joked about how popular he must be with the ladies, he told me just how many women he's been with... the number was HIGH, but he then came out with this long explanation justifying himself.

5) We ended up talking about our experiences with online dating and how it takes a few meetings to see if the chemistry is right...he said he met a girl recently, who was keen on him but the interest wasn't reciprocated. When she repeatedly kept initiating contact with him, he eventually had to tell her that he just didn't feel the right chemistry. She apparently took it well and thanked him for being straight-up and not wasting her time. He seemed very keen to point this out.

6) He also kept apologising for his casual attire saying usually he dresses better but had to come straight from work.

 

On the one hand, I respect his honesty, and it seems like he's aware of things that might be a turn off for women, and seemed to be justifying himself a lot.

 

I just don't know if this being so open-and-honest thing is genuine or not. He seemed very conscious of painting himself in a better light which I guess we all do if we're interested in someone. I just don't want to be taken advantage of as I've had a few bad experiences with men in the past, and I'm therefore really suspicious of behaviour. It doesn't help that I just watched a movie recently with guys talking about how they've used sympathy to get into a girl's pants

Edited October 21, 2014 by dragonfire13

[Chemist]

It doesn't help that I just watched a movie recently with guys talking about how they've used sympathy to get into a girl's pants

 

sometimes, I open up to certain girls, if they seem empathetic. I am pretty good at reading this. Other times, I say these things to empathize. I rarely do it for pity or to get a girl into bed. Nothing screams sexy like emotional pains.

 

It is a shame though, that so many guys' only aim is to get laid that honest men get questioned like this

 

We're not all horn dogs

[PegNosePete]

it seems like he's aware of things that might be a turn off for women

Like talking about exes, how many women he's been with, and other people he's met online who were smitten with him?

 

Who knows OP? None of us here can tell if he's being honest or not. It's down to you to determine this through your interactions with him. After 1 meeting you don't even know the guy. Welcome to the dating game.....

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Ha! I seem more open not having to expect much from peeps, though it is easier when one on one. Even though i can be open, i keep my deepest side of me secret as I don't want pitty, nor a false sence of connection on a starting relationship. Unlike most I rather keep thinks on firm ground and feel comfy in allowing both sides to learn without too much getting in the way.

 

 

 

I take it as he has given up on attachment first, and rather have you scurry off now than later. Some women are that way, like here it all is... can you deal with it or not???

[d0nnivain]

Nothing this guy shared with you seems to have been done in a conscious effort to manipulate by making you feel sorry for him. I think he just has poor boundaries & over-shares.

[Mrin]

I don't see anything here that would worry me except that he might be a little too transparent. But who knows - some people are just open books and to be honest, better to have an open book than the alternative.

 

Edit: also, if he's that charming and has had the success he says he has had with other women, he probably doesn't need to resort to sympathy. Food for thought.

[Tayken]

@OP.....To the thread title, I'll have to say women are the gold medalists at this.

[quidproquo89]

never tell someone you've just started dating your weakness, never give them reasons to reject you

[quidproquo89]

@OP.....To the thread title, I'll have to say women are the gold medalists at this.

 

I had this... OLD prospect to me she was a dork in real life and reallt nervous on dates.

 

I turned up to find somebody not at all like the picture she painted of herself. Woman didnt even bother asking me anything about myself which I found very ignorant. If you agree to a date you must hold up your end of the conversation

[BlueIris]

Yes, I met some men on OLD who told me lots of negative about themselves at the beginning. Some were really tragic stories. I didn’t date many of them after the first meeting because usually those first meetings were just depressing and I left feeling bad and feeling sad about him, not feeling positive and energized. But of the few that I did date a while, all turned out to be depressed, needy or selfish, and essentially looking for a caretaker. Now, it wasn’t a huge sample size so I would never say it's universal, but I sure became wary of the “open with the bad” attitude after that.

 

And I’m not saying that ALL people who lead with the bad are this!!... but it’s interesting that Martha Stout said in “The Sociopath Next Door” that the one thing that all sociopaths do is try to elicit sympathy with a sad story. Gavin de Becker also noted it as a common manipulation technique, in “The Gift of Fear.”

[2sunny]

More than anything I'd be wanting to know how he's CHANGED.

 

He presents himself as weak.

 

If he's gained strength and courage to change himself in the process - THEN I would be interested... But not as a current presentation of who he is.

 

Did he explain any of his ability to get stronger from his crappy experiences?

 

 

 

On a side note - an attractive guy can always get laid if he has ANY game. But has he had any long term HEALTHY relationships in his past?

[dragonfire13]

More than anything I'd be wanting to know how he's CHANGED.

 

He presents himself as weak.

 

If he's gained strength and courage to change himself in the process - THEN I would be interested... But not as a current presentation of who he is.

 

Did he explain any of his ability to get stronger from his crappy experiences?

 

 

On a side note - an attractive guy can always get laid if he has ANY game. But has he had any long term HEALTHY relationships in his past?

 

I know he's been in relationships, whether they were healthy or not I'm not too sure - the relationship he mentioned didn't sound too healthy but he was very keen to point out that he stayed with her while she dealt with her issues.

 

He seems like a very straight up person, which would perhaps explain the oversharing. Like I said, I appreciate the honesty and I try not to judge if it seems like someone is making a conscious effort to change.

 

The fact that he 's had so much success with women shows he obviously knows how to talk to women, hence it raised my suspicions that maybe he was saying things to appeal to the nurturing side of women. Plus, the self-editing and constant justifying himself - he's very aware of how women thing. I guess I just need to judge by his behaviour towards me to see if he's a decent guy or not.

[d0nnivain]

The fact that he 's had so much success with women shows he obviously knows how to talk to women, hence it raised my suspicions that maybe he was saying things to appeal to the nurturing side of women. Plus, the self-editing and constant justifying himself - he's very aware of how women thing. I guess I just need to judge by his behaviour towards me to see if he's a decent guy or not.

 

If you think he's playing you, proceed with caution.

 

As for his alleged success with women, if I guy said that stuff to me, I'd run. I'd be like for heaven's sake grow a spine & a pair, then get some tact.

 

The foster care thing, OK fine but I'd wonder why he felt compelled to share something so deeply personal so early on. It makes it seem like he has a chip on his shoulder about it.

 

Few friends is a red flag for me. I make & form lasting relationships. I have had friends for 40 years & my "newest" friends have been in my life for at least 2-3 years. If someone can't bond with friends, I question their ability to bond with me & also suspect that they are the types to run when things get rough. Coupled with the foster care thing I'd wonder if he has the ability to connect with anybody long term.

 

Saying he found it difficult to end his past relationship makes me think he's indecisive. Yes it's lovely that he considered her feelings but not as his own expense. If he was that miserable, why not just have a clean break? Wishy-washy is a huge turn off for me.

 

Anybody who brags about their number is a jerk. He has no class. He should have just taken the compliment & moved on.

 

The OLD stuff contrasts the relationship story. In one he's decisive & the other he's not. Maybe, it was the length of time he'd known each woman but the fact that he behaved differently does sit well with me. Inconsistent in character is not a great trait.

 

I suppose an explanation for being under dressed is OK but why did he have to repeat it?

 

I still don't think he's intentionally manipulating you using the sympathy card. It's hard for me to understand how a man could be successful with a lot of women by making them feel sorry for him. I think more alpha males have higher success rates.

 

However, since you feel uncomfortable, listen to your inner voice. It's trying to tell you something. Even if you are getting the exact message in a garbled fashion the point that he's not right for you is coming through. Listen.