Jump to content

Profile


beautifulinside2

Recommended Posts

beautifulinside2

I have been dating a guy for three weeks now. We have had sex several times, went on about 10 dates, spent the night at each others house about 3-4 times and recently took a short 2 day trip this past weekend. Yet both of our profiles are still online. We have a great time together.

 

 

We have a few things working against us:

1. I am black and he is white

2. He was married 25 years and divorced 1 year

3. He is 15 years older than I am 37- he-53

4. Not sure how his kids and parents would react.

 

 

I am looking for a long-term relationship but I am starting to wonder if I should just cut my losses and keep dating other men. I find it difficult to date multiple men at one time and I don't want to waste time on a encounters that are not going anywhere.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nowhere in that did you mention if you actually like this guy. If yes, and you see a potential future, who cares about the obstacles? People will be supportive if it makes you happy. Sounds like you have the natural doubts that come with dating but the only way to know for sure is to dive in and see where it leads!

Link to post
Share on other sites

@OP.....just want to make sure I follow, in 21 days

 

- you have been on 10 dates;

- "had sex several times";

- stayed over at each others 3-4 times already;

- took a 2 day road trip

 

We have a great time together.

 

yes in only 21 dates, which to me is no different than going on vacation and having a fling i.e. the rose tinted glasses.

 

I am black and he is white

 

This is 2014 and NOT 1984..so what, who cares?

 

He was married 25 years and divorced 1 year

 

I won't ignore this if I were you...unless of course you were the reason for it?

 

He is 15 years older than I am 37- he-53

 

16 yrs gap...however, it's the above question that bothers me.

 

I am looking for a long-term relationship but I am starting to wonder if I should just cut my losses and keep dating other men.

 

He has been there longer term, and might not be after what you are so quick or at all.

 

I find it difficult to date multiple men at one time

 

I should think so too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You should have the talk with this guy about where all this is going. The profiles online thing shouldn't be a problem if you both come to the agreement that you're now in a relationship.

 

Don't worry about his parents. The dude's 53, I doubt he still listens to mommy and daddy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
beautifulinside2
Nowhere in that did you mention if you actually like this guy. If yes, and you see a potential future, who cares about the obstacles? People will be supportive if it makes you happy. Sounds like you have the natural doubts that come with dating but the only way to know for sure is to dive in and see where it leads!

 

 

I know this is a weird response but I do like him a lot, but I try to convince myself that I can take it or leave it so I will not be disappointed if it doesn't work out. I believe he cares about the obstacles but he doesn't want to discuss it with me. His life and friends will change if he decides to date me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
beautifulinside2

yes in only 21 dates, which to me is no different than going on vacation and having a fling i.e. the rose tinted glasses.

 

I agree somewhat, but I also think its a indication that you really like a person from the start. I mean we are not 15 or 16 years old and both have been married and divorced with kids.

 

This is 2014 and NOT 1984..so what, who cares?

 

I wish this were true, but unfortunately people really do care. We have run into some of his friends and they were quite shocked. I have been dating online for a year now and haven't met anyone I liked but him.

 

I won't ignore this if I were you...unless of course you were the reason for it?

 

I was not the reason for the marriage demise. He was divorced for a year before going online, so I think its been about 18 months since his divorce.

 

16 yrs gap...however, it's the above question that bothers me.

The age gap matters I think mostly for his kids. My daughter is 19.

 

 

 

He has been there longer term, and might not be after what you are so quick or at all.

 

Online dating moves very quick. I have tried my usual slow method only to be left with the guy looking for the next best profile. I don't go out very often because I am busy with work, so I guess I have someone lowered my standard to fit in with the online dating crowd. I have seen men leave women after waiting 3 months for sex, I just don't think that matters anymore in this day and age.

I should think so too.

Believe it or not people online date several at a time.
Link to post
Share on other sites

We have a few things working against us:

1. I am black and he is white

2. He was married 25 years and divorced 1 year

3. He is 15 years older than I am 37- he-53

4. Not sure how his kids and parents would react.

 

1. This is such a non thing. Ignore other peoples reactions. I have seen the most homophobic people become very pro after spending time with gay people... let them get to know you and they will see your not so scarey after all.

 

2. This is a warning flag... Give it time don't get too involved just yet...

 

3. Again give it time. Its not that big an age gap

 

4. Again give it time!

 

You are asking all the wrong questions here. The questions you should be asking are along the lines of do you feel secure in this relationship (at 3 weeks probably not but heck its not even been a month yet!), does he treat me well, etc etc...

 

All these other things will fall into place eventually given time.

 

If you like him keep seeing him and see where it goes.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am starting to wonder if I should just cut my losses and keep dating other men.

Well put it this way. If I were the guy, and found out that you were pursuing other men whilst having sex and going away for weekends with me...

 

I wouldn't want to see you again. Ever.

 

Similarly if I were another guy who met you, and found out you were having sex with and going away for weekends with some other dude, I wouldn't want to see you again.

 

Time to decide IN or OUT with this guy. If it's in then you both need to be in. If out then time to say goodbye and find other guys.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been dating a guy for three weeks now. We have had sex several times, went on about 10 dates, spent the night at each others house about 3-4 times and recently took a short 2 day trip this past weekend. Yet both of our profiles are still online. We have a great time together.

 

I think it's time to address the online profiles. If you had only been on a few dates it would not be an issue yet but you 2 are moving at the speed of light and if you don't want to crash and burn you need to take your compass out and determine where you are heading. Spending the night at each other's home means a lot of closeness, well for a woman it is, and I would not invest that kind of closeness with a man I am not exclusive with.

 

 

We have a few things working against us:

1. I am black and he is white

A lot of people say it's a no-issue but reality is interracial couples are still frown upon in part of our society and you worry his family will. It's a legitimate worry I won't dismiss it like others have done on here. Remember this man you are dating is 53, at his age he is done worrying about what his family and friends think of his dating. He is secure in who he is and in who he wants, and he wants you. People pray on the weak. If he's a strong man no one will dare commenting.

 

2. He was married 25 years and divorced 1 year

Depends of the circumstances of his divorce. If it's been a long and difficult marriage and he got out after the kids were grown up then chances are his mourning was done a long time ago. If he divorced a year ago because he discovered his ex-wife was cheating on him and he was completely broke down, then it's something else that needs a lot of time to heal.

 

3. He is 15 years older than I am 37- he-53

If he rocks your world who cares. I dated 15 years younger and I had more chemistry and fun with them than with men my age.

 

4. Not sure how his kids and parents would react.

They will react like they will react. If any of this is an issue for them they'll work it out. I shocked my family more than once with dating outside my race and dating much younger. I get a kick out of their reactions, at my age I will date who I want and they can ?%$& if they don't like it. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but at a certain age like mine and your boyfriend's age, we can't be bothered with what people think.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think it's racial but more of the age difference. Young single mom, dating older guy, I can see why warning bells would go off with his friends.....they are thinking gold digger. I don't know where you live but where I live mixed racial couples is not a big deal at all. It's very common place, and never have I heard anyone openly be against it.

 

You are in the early stages (infactation stage) or a relationship where you feel all issues can be conquered, and you will be able to change everyone's opinion around you, family, friends, etc. Or you can easily dismiss it and keep your relationship. But the sad truth is, if you have this much resistance with those around you already, once the honeymoon stage is over, you are going to be having a hard time keeping it together because those issues have not gone away.

 

But this is a stranger's opinion. You should be discussing the pros and cons with HIM not us. It's a good thing you are thinking this over now, before you invest yourself too much. Best of luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

BTW everyone, racial mixing was real taboo in 1964 not 1984, and the the free rights movement was in full swing (1954-1968). Remeber that eposiode in Star Trek? That was 1966. After that it, that's when it started to become acceptable as we headed into the 70's (obviously not for everyone). I was there, I remember how attitudes started to change.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
beautifulinside2
I don't think it's racial but more of the age difference. Young single mom, dating older guy, I can see why warning bells would go off with his friends.....they are thinking gold digger.

Here is the background: I have a Master's degree and make more money than he does (not by much but I do). My daughter is also 19 and in college on a full athletic scholarship, but yes I am and was a single parent.

I don't know where you live but where I live mixed racial couples is not a big deal at all. It's very common place, and never have I heard anyone openly be against it.

I am catholic, one of the 1% of black catholic's in my area. He too is catholic but unfortunately my daughter and I experience racism even at mass.

 

You are in the early stages (infactation stage) or a relationship where you feel all issues can be conquered, and you will be able to change everyone's opinion around you, family, friends, etc. Or you can easily dismiss it and keep your relationship. But the sad truth is, if you have this much resistance with those around you already, once the honeymoon stage is over, you are going to be having a hard time keeping it together because those issues have not gone away.

 

 

I agree 100%, and I have attempted to have this conversation with him but it seems like he is avoiding it. I have also told him I would like to call it quits because if its complicated for him now, than we couldn't enjoy each other like new relationships should be able to. He wants to continue to hang out, sleep together, do all the things bf/gf does and I guess see where it goes or see if its worth the reactions from his family and friends. I am comfortable with it as I have dated outside of my race all my life, but this is his first time and I don't want to be the one to turn any of his friends and family against him.

 

But this is a stranger's opinion. You should be discussing the pros and cons with HIM not us. It's a good thing you are thinking this over now, before you invest yourself too much. Best of luck.

 

 

After the amount of time we have spent together, we should know by now if we would like to be exclusive with one another. Its impossible to get to a committed relationship and beyond competing online with other women and looking for the next best thing.

Edited by beautifulinside2
Link to post
Share on other sites

To me it's FWB and nothing more. Give him an ultimatum firm and proper. Just because you find it tough to meet someone for long term, doesn't mean this guy should be your alternative. If you have any self worth, you won't tolerate him avoiding the conversation. IMO he is happy with the things are, pretty much keeping you in limbo. To hell with that. If you are that educated you would know, you shouldn't settle for luke warm promises. Stand up for yourself!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
beautifulinside2
To me it's FWB and nothing more. Give him an ultimatum firm and proper. Just because you find it tough to meet someone for long term, doesn't mean this guy should be your alternative. If you have any self worth, you won't tolerate him avoiding the conversation. IMO he is happy with the things are, pretty much keeping you in limbo. To hell with that. If you are that educated you would know, you shouldn't settle for luke warm promises. Stand up for yourself!

 

So after threatening to leave, he wanted to have the conversation tonight and said he doesn't want to lose me. He stated he likes where our relationship is going and didn't realize that we were at the point of taking our profiles down but he is not looking for anyone else and he doesn't want me to either. He said he doesn't know where this all came from considering we had such a great time over the weekend. I told him that I am developing feelings for him and up until this point I don't have any expectations, but as time goes on I will. By the way he still hasn't agreed to take it down and I'm questioning if after 3 weeks is my request too soon? I believe if it's soon enough to be intimate and spend the night then it's soon enough to take down profiles. What's the point in having them up, if indeed you are really not looking?

Link to post
Share on other sites
My daughter is 19.

 

You kept that one quiet in your original post. He might not be ready to take on someone else's daughter considering girls usually hang around their single moms for a long time becoming besties.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
beautifulinside2
You kept that one quiet in your original post. He might not be ready to take on someone else's daughter considering girls usually hang around their single moms for a long time becoming besties.

 

My daughter is away at college. He has 2 college daughters 23 and 26

Link to post
Share on other sites
What's the point in having them up, if indeed you are really not looking?

Many people (especially guys) spend a lot of time on their profiles, getting them just right. It's the only way to get any success on OLD. You have to have a GREAT profile with GREAT photos to get responses.

 

So you've been seeing someone for 3 weeks, do you really want to throw all that work in the bin, and pin your hopes on this one chick? Probably not. I mean if your relationship turns long term then of course you should delete it, but after just 3 weeks, no.

 

Of course if you're dating someone exclusively then you should not be logging into the site to look or interact with others! But what's the harm in leaving the profile there, just in case things don't work out?

 

Most sites have a way to hide your profile or set it to "not looking" or whatever. If your site doesn't then you can just write it at the top of your profile. In the transitional phase in between casual dating and long-term relationship, this seems like the perfect solution.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My daughter is away at college. He has 2 college daughters 23 and 26

 

But doesn't always stay there...am I right, and will be back home at some point. He probably shares those daughters with his ex, and they probably will gravitate towards their mum being girls.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Many people (especially guys) spend a lot of time on their profiles, getting them just right. It's the only way to get any success on OLD. You have to have a GREAT profile with GREAT photos to get responses.

 

So you've been seeing someone for 3 weeks, do you really want to throw all that work in the bin, and pin your hopes on this one chick? Probably not.

 

Among the sh!.tty reasons why a man does not want to delete his profile this one wins first place price. It's side by side with he cannot delete his profile because he paid for 3 months so he's gonna leave it up 3 months.

 

If you have a great profile then copy and paste in a word document and keep it for future use.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
If you have a great profile then copy and paste in a word document and keep it for future use.

What's the difference?

Link to post
Share on other sites
What's the difference?

 

Then you get your profile off line and concentrate on that one lady. At some point you've got to take a chance on 1 and get off that online catalog to keep distractions away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

At some point, yes.

After just 3 weeks? No.

 

I don't see the difference between leaving the profile dormant (in a hidden/"not looking" state, not logging on to use it), and backing it up to a word document. Why is one acceptable to you but the other is not? (Remembering that guys do not get messages unless they actively visit the site and send messages out)

Link to post
Share on other sites
At some point, yes.

After just 3 weeks? No.

 

I don't see the difference between leaving the profile dormant (in a hidden/"not looking" state, not logging on to use it), and backing it up to a word document. Why is one acceptable to you but the other is not? (Remembering that guys do not get messages unless they actively visit the site and send messages out)

 

I agree 3 weeks is not the usual time frame to delete a profile but they had 10 dates, slept over each others home 4 times, had plenty of sex...and he does not know yet if he likes her enough to concentrate only on her? My ex-boyfriend asked to be 'officially and exclusively dating' on our 3rd date. When a man sees a good deal he does not let it go by. He wanted me off the market quickly because he knew on there I was getting attention from left and right.

 

I understand men don't get that many messages and their profile can sit there with no activity but I question the fact he is ok with SHE does not delete her profile and she is getting regular messages, that does not bother him that she is advertising herself as single and looking? after 10 dates, and countless nights of sex? I would question his interest. What is he doing with her? Playing house?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
beautifulinside2
Many people (especially guys) spend a lot of time on their profiles, getting them just right. It's the only way to get any success on OLD. You have to have a GREAT profile with GREAT photos to get responses.

 

So you've been seeing someone for 3 weeks, do you really want to throw all that work in the bin, and pin your hopes on this one chick? Probably not. I mean if your relationship turns long term then of course you should delete it, but after just 3 weeks, no.

 

Of course if you're dating someone exclusively then you should not be logging into the site to look or interact with others! But what's the harm in leaving the profile there, just in case things don't work out?

 

Most sites have a way to hide your profile or set it to "not looking" or whatever. If your site doesn't then you can just write it at the top of your profile. In the transitional phase in between casual dating and long-term relationship, this seems like the perfect solution.

 

Your posts are so helpful. Thanks

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...