Jump to content

gf seems to slip away


ingloriousone

Recommended Posts

ingloriousone

Hey :)

 

I am living in a LDR with my gf since about half a year.

At the start, she seemed to really enjoy sex. We had some problems with me lasting too long for her, but since we stopped using condoms (she is on the pill now), it became way better. Sometimes she still orgasms twice until I finally can, but that seems okay for her.

Not we get to the problems:

The last couple of weeks have been strange somehow, she sometimes shrugged when I touched her anywhere near her breast or butt.

We talked about it, and she told me, she was afraid she wasn't in the mood for sex sometimes, and because she was afraid I could be uncomfort, she would try to stop it right away.

I told her I do not want to put any pressure on her, and if she doesn't want sex, we are not going to have sex. I just missed the times when we touched each other and it felt good for both of us.

Fast forward the next evening:

While lying on the sofa (her arms crossed in front of hear breast) she told me she was super tired and wanted to go to sleep. I didn't say anything about the arms crossed thing because I didnt want to put pressure on her.

So we went to bed and held each other for about 20 minutes.

Thats when she says she wanted to sleep and couldn't while in my arms.

I was still okay with that. Wished her a good night. 20 minutes later she gets up and leaves the room. About 40 minutes later I was curious where she is and checked. She was sitting in the living room and reading.

I asked her whats up, she said i was a bit restless and that made her uncomfortable.

Thats when i lost it.

I packed all my stuff and went to the door, told her i couldn't stay the night with her when she was afraid of me.

I was waiting at the door for about a minute to see what she might answer.

She told me she just wasnt tired anymore and it had nothing to do with my thoughts.

Somehow we ended holding each other and I stayed (no sex involved, we didn't even cuddle).

Now the question: Am I being an *******? what am I missing?

 

PS: Sorry, I am no native english speaker :)

 

Tahnks in advance :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

She is showing the signs of having an affair, possible emotional affair. Better start checking her phone messages, FB and other social media. I don't like recommending snooping in someone's personal stuff, but you gave her the opportunity to explain or come clean, but she didn't so go for it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am afraid smackie is right. I know from one time, when I was a ****ty person, that after I cheated, I couldn't be with my gf like before. I carried around this guilt of cheating and didn't want to snuggle or have sex.

 

And another case where the same thing for a friend, but she felt more or less in love with the other person so she couldn't be the same with her bf.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

Are these really signs?

I mean, I was already really upset when she told me the whole sex thing was the same with her ex and they just didn't manage to get out of it. I was emabarrassed, knowing he cheated on her multiple times, even on vacation with her. I was so angry, she put me on the same step.

Also, she met him for about 3 times while we were in a relationship. I told her it makes me mad, especially because they went for a coffee together and it wasn't just by accident.

Her reaction was to meet him again 2 weeks later.

Could it be, she is facing the same problems with me she was facing with him and now thinks she was the problem and not him, wanting him back? I am really scared right now.

Any other opinions?

 

EDIT: It's not like she never wants sex, but if we have sex 3-4 times a months thats much...

EDIT2: Also, we are having really great times somedays, all in love and stuff and she is not afraid of anything, but the "afraid days" are more and more common now...

EDIT3: Thanks you very much for your opinions :)

Edited by ingloriousone
Link to post
Share on other sites
Are these really signs?

I mean, I was already really upset when she told me the whole sex thing was the same with her ex and they just didn't manage to get out of it. I was emabarrassed, knowing he cheated on her multiple times, even on vacation with her. I was so angry, she put me on the same step.

Also, she met him for about 3 times while we were in a relationship. I told her it makes me mad, especially because they went for a coffee together and it wasn't just by accident.

Her reaction was to meet him again 2 weeks later.

Could it be, she is facing the same problems with me she was facing with him and now thinks she was the problem and not him, wanting him back? I am really scared right now.

Any other opinions?

 

EDIT: It's not like she never wants sex, but if we have sex 3-4 times a months thats much...

EDIT2: Also, we are having really great times somedays, all in love and stuff and she is not afraid of anything, but the "afraid days" are more and more common now...

EDIT3: Thanks you very much for your opinions :)

 

 

Yeah, it seems a bit odd that she would see her ex again so soon after you told her it made you upset. Plus if she didn't tell you before hand.. maybe she still has feelings for her ex?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

I got no idea.

I refuse to think about it at the moment. I still think its all about the sex thing, but I really don't know how long I can take it anymore.

I mean, it makes me really sad when she shrugs. It also happened that we were naked and just a glimpse away from sex and suddendly she said: stop, I can't have sex with you today. I was really sad and puzzled at that moment and she realized it. Maybe it's really just the pressure but I dont know.

The problem is, I think the more I give and comfort her, the more she backs off.

No idea if this has a future :/

Link to post
Share on other sites
I got no idea.

I refuse to think about it at the moment. I still think its all about the sex thing, but I really don't know how long I can take it anymore.

I mean, it makes me really sad when she shrugs. It also happened that we were naked and just a glimpse away from sex and suddendly she said: stop, I can't have sex with you today. I was really sad and puzzled at that moment and she realized it. Maybe it's really just the pressure but I dont know.

The problem is, I think the more I give and comfort her, the more she backs off.

No idea if this has a future :/

 

This just seems like doormat behavior to me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

I appreciate your opinions, but I am not going to check her phone or social media or anything.

Right now, after a lot of talks to close friends and family, I consider her bevior kind of broken. It hurts to think this way, but thats the way i think of her right now. This is not the kind of relationship I want to a woman.

And I am not going to do things i would never want to be done to me, like checking her phone.

I do not want to let her break my "social behavior", for the sake of future girlfriends.

 

I decided to give it another week or two, but the next time I pack my stuff, it will be forever.

 

Thank you very much, you really helped me out of this mess. At least I hope you did :-)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I appreciate your opinions, but I am not going to check her phone or social media or anything.

Right now, after a lot of talks to close friends and family, I consider her bevior kind of broken. It hurts to think this way, but thats the way i think of her right now. This is not the kind of relationship I want to a woman.

And I am not going to do things i would never want to be done to me, like checking her phone.

I do not want to let her break my "social behavior", for the sake of future girlfriends.

 

I decided to give it another week or two, but the next time I pack my stuff, it will be forever.

 

Thank you very much, you really helped me out of this mess. At least I hope you did :-)

 

Maybe she isn't exactly cheating.

 

How long have you 2 been together? how long did she broke up with her ex before you 2 started dating? how long did she date him?

 

Maybe she is having some trust issues.

 

Just because she is acting weird don't go ahead and crucify her as a cheater. Its ok to get suspicious about it, but you shouldn't really judge without proof.

Edited by dclan
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

I am not judging her in any way.

I think her bevior in relationship is kind of crazy because of him.

We are together for 6 months now. She was single for about a year and 3 months.

I think he ****ed her up, and I think she doesnt realize it and doesnt want or isnt able to change it.

And I got no idea how I can or should fix it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am not judging her in any way.

I think her bevior in relationship is kind of crazy because of him.

We are together for 6 months now. She was single for about a year and 3 months.

I think he ****ed her up, and I think she doesnt realize it and doesnt want or isnt able to change it.

And I got no idea how I can or should fix it.

 

She was single for 1 year...

 

Did her ex boyfriend dumped her?

 

Did she started speaking with her ex before acting like this?

 

She might not have cheated, but it is possible her ex is trying to get back in touch with her. This could be screwing up her mind. Or, maybe she is just remembering all the bad stuff from a relationship, since her ex cheated on her, maybe she thinks you are the one cheating.

 

Honestly in this cases, the best thing you can do is talk to her. Sit her down, have a nice chat, don't be angry at her if she initially doesn't want to give you responses. Let her open up.

 

Clearly she is having doubts about the relationship she has with you. The important thing is discovering what it is exactly.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

Yeah her former boss contacted her ans asked her if she wanted to get back into her old company... Thats where her ex is working. I told her i wouldnt be happy about her working there again, but she doesnt seem to mind. She is still indecisive, but the pure fact she is considering it makes me sad. Thats also her excuse to meet with him for 3 times (at least 3 times I know of, of 1 she told me a week after).

What drives me nuts is, she thinks the problems we are facing right now are the same they faced. She seems to clear out all the times he cheated on her. I mean, he even cheated on her during their vacation. How can she put me on the same step as him?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah her former boss contacted her ans asked her if she wanted to get back into her old company... Thats where her ex is working. I told her i wouldnt be happy about her working there again, but she doesnt seem to mind. She is still indecisive, but the pure fact she is considering it makes me sad. Thats also her excuse to meet with him for 3 times (at least 3 times I know of, of 1 she told me a week after).

What drives me nuts is, she thinks the problems we are facing right now are the same they faced. She seems to clear out all the times he cheated on her. I mean, he even cheated on her during their vacation. How can she put me on the same step as him?

 

It would seem like she is having doubts/feelings about her ex boyfriend.

 

Maybe when she met with him, she honestly did so to discuss the possibility of working together, without it being awkward. Probably in a friendly way.

 

The problem is that...when you meet with your ex, even if your original intention is to meet as "friends", without any romantic implication, sometimes old feelings are revived.

 

Maybe she went on to meet him just as friends, but she meets with him, and maybe he's changed and is now a more mature/genuine person. He could also be trying to get back together with her. This may lead to her having doubts about her current bf and her ex.

 

It is a very hard thing not to feel that way if you think about it. If her previous relationship ended because the guy was a jerk, but now he is not that way (he might have truly changed or at least pretend to), it is a very real possibility some of her feelings for her could resurface.

 

I stand, however, with what I said before. Talk to her. Its very common for a person to have feelings for their ex. But you shouldn't have to be sidelined like this while she takes her time to think.

 

Its reasonable if you ask her whats going on in her mind right now, if she is having doubts about your relationship with you or her previous relationship with that guy.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP this girl is not ready to be a serious GF. I'm guessing she's in the first half of her 20s. And she's meeting with her ex? I think you should get out. Now. Not after she breaks your heart. And she will. She's (probably) young, she's confused, she doesn't have the experience, she doesn't know how to deal with her conflicting feelings and she very likely simply doesn't know how to tell you that you're in for a truckload of heartbreak. If she feels the need to get back with her ex or approach him somehow she'll go for the easy way out and just do it, and let you deal with the damage.

 

The fact that she's distancing herself from you, and how you two are not able to have a meaningful conversation about it makes this whole situation look really bleak.

 

I've been there and I got this kind of advice. And I didn't listen. Well, I listened, but I couldn't follow through. So I won't blame you if you decide to carry on. I just really advise against it, from my own experience.

 

 

Good luck

umirano

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

I just called her. Told her she seems insecure about if she loves me or not when she acts like this. Told her I do not want a relationship like this. Told her i am upset she put me on the same step as her ex.

 

Her reply was:

I love you, I do want to be together with you.

She also told me she thinks I am just afraid of being hurt and want to end it myself out of fear.

 

We are going to phone again in 2 hours.

No idea what to think now :(

Link to post
Share on other sites

I say stand your ground. Her actions speak louder that the BS she is feeding you. It doesn't matter if she is confused or whatever is going on with her. You still deserve better than this and YOU DO NOT have to put up with it. She has issues, she needs to deal with them and get things straightened out before she can convience you to see each other again. Simple as that. If you don't follow through with this, all you will be is a doormat to her, and she will keep making you feel unhappy. Not fair to you at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

Thank you!

I made a list of things I do not want to take any more. Will point all that stuff out to her.

You guys (and ladies) really helped me!

Will update after the call!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmm I think your pushing her a bit too much.

 

It seems you are telling her whats bothering you. :confused:

 

Instead of asking her whats troubling her :o

 

Its ok to be angry, but she is having "doubts" which is a normal thing. Not being so direct with demands could help a bit. The point is for her to open up about whats going on.

 

Thats my opinion at least. If you push her even more telling her what she is doing wrong, you guys will defintly be breaking up.

 

The reason I say this, is because I assume you DO want to be with her.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The fact that she's distancing herself from you, and how you two are not able to have a meaningful conversation about it makes this whole situation look really bleak.

 

I would say take a stand for yourself. Tell her you (OP) don't deserve to treated that way. Break up with her and tell her when she figures herself out to come look for you. Tell her that this was never my intentions but you were more or less forced to do this. Make her realize what she did.

 

Don't be a doormat. Take a stand (like I did). But, don't call her a few days later asking to talk (like I did). I wanted to smooth the breakup over and end it on better terms...I think she thought I was trying to convince her to get back together and work on things.

 

So, again, take a stand for yourself. Don't tell her what she's doing wrong or upsetting you, she already knows. She just doesn't care enough to change. (again, very similar to my story)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
ingloriousone

She is on pee break right now.

She says those half seconds she shrugs have no reason, she doesn't even know herself why they are there. She says she feels kind of cranked in those moments.

I told her i would never do that to her simply because I love being hugged by her.

Now, what could be the reason for this kind of shuff?

 

I am right now thinking I could be a bit too clingy.

Part of the problem is, we only see each other at the weekends. But usually we are together from friday to monday morning.

Maybe thats too much for her?

Maybe it shouldnt be too much?

I am absolutely overchallenged by all this right now

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll speak from personal experience. Whatever is going on, whatever the reason, this is clear...her interest in you is waning, big time. She would rather read than cuddle with you. Loss of interest

 

She has met with her ex during your relationship and is considering working with him, seemingly without worrying about what you think...loss of interest.

 

Lack of sex...loss of interest.

 

And she's in her early 20s.

 

I don't know the story of the ex, but I'd put my life's savings and bet that he dumped her. Meaning that she never really lost interest in him.

 

Right now, you're not on her radar. I'd suggest finding out why that is. If she refuses to tell you everything...assume she's cheating, don't say a word, and walk away.

 

Either way, at this rate, it doesn't look good. Did you ask why she was so distant?

Link to post
Share on other sites
What do you do now? You make yourself a nice cold drink, take a sip, relax and smile to yourself.

 

Never listen to a woman's words. Listen to her actions. Women will tell you what you want to hear but act in a totally opposite manner.

 

She's only telling you she loves you and wants to be with you while acting cold and distancing herself from you so she can string you along while she tries to decide between her ex (or some other guy) and you.

 

Don't be a fool. An interested woman will NEVER confuse you. An interested woman will always want to jump your bones. If you ask an interested woman to jump, she will say how high?

 

Stop trying to "talk things out" and pour your feelings out to her. She will take it, crush it and throw it back into your face.

 

Once she's sure that things are set between her and the other guy, you will get a breakup text or call.

 

You also need to step back and analyze your life right now. What is occupying your mind 100% right now? Her. Just her. Just ONE woman. You should occupy your mind with thoughts of bettering your life. School. Work. Career. Hobbies. Family. Positive activities. Not one woman.

 

There is a lot of truth here. In affairs of the heart I'm afraid you almost always have to go by how people act rather than what they say (regardless of gender). Involuntary actions or interest in sex is, i'm afraid to say, the most telling because it is almost impossible to fake if you are attuned to your SO's behavior.

 

There is something afoot here that you don't know about or see. It feels like other guy/affair but who knows. I think you're right for "calling the question" on the relationship. You'll either figure it out or you won't. Just don't be a doormat for Pete's sake.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...