GF Tries to Wiggle Out of Lie

[longjohn]

I need some impartial advice and ensure I'm not in the wrong/over reacting here and to check/confirm what I believe to be correct is in fact so.

 

 

Just over a week ago my gf went on holiday. Before she left I asked when she returned which she stated was Sunday morning. This I knew to be a lie as family members prior (without her being present) confirmed Saturday would be the return date. So I asked again and she said Sunday morning. Before she left I asked if she wanted me to drop her off. Initially she said no then switched to yes. The day of her leaving I dropped her off and a family member mentioned they'd be back Saturday so I asked her.. You said Sunday not Saturday. The response was I wanted to go to dinner with family and didn't think you'd want to come. I was furious I was lied to but held off on saying anything until she got back.

 

 

She came back Saturday and asked to get picked up. I asked "what about your day with family, thought you wanted to go to dinner". She states no they didn't want to go and she just needed a lift home. A few hours later I asked her why she lied about her return day. She initially tried to deflect it and I pressed it. She told me I was insecure because my ex cheated. I pressed it again. She stated she wanted an extra day to decompress without seeing me. I found that kind of insulting but ok I'll accept an extra day with family so I asked why lie about it. She said she felt she had to because I made her feel like it was easier to lie than to tell the truth and fight about it! I asked why would we fight I'd never not accept you wanting time with your family. She brought up an incident. A couple of months ago she tells me she can't see me for the entire weekend after plans where made. She had to watch her friends dog and she couldn't leave with it nor could I come over. I found it highly suspect so I asked questions. We fought and she returned a few hours later saying she didn't need to stay after all?

 

 

Bottom line what I got from this talk with the woman was that she lied without a doubt and got caught. Never once did she apologise always provided reasons for doing what she did and those reasons cleared her of any wrongdoing. Why she lied or what her actual intentions where/are.. I really don't know. What I do know is once caught she tried to wiggle out of it a few times until she hit something she thought I'd swallow. Once she thought I swallowed it.. she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her family!! I swear I wanted to slap her. Am I crazy or does this woman just spew out lies without it registering?

 

 

Please tell me I'm not over reacting here in that when I next talk to her (I told her I wanted to think about it) it's to tell her it's over. I'm trying to see this from as many angles as possible and all I come up with is the fact she lied, I can't trust that or her. She might lie again about god knows what. I mean she's been on holiday for a week and mentioned next to nothing about it. She's cast very serious doubt in my mind to the point where I don't know if I can believe anything else that comes out of her hole. I don't think I'm wrong in dumping her.

[Chemist]

I once had a gf who would make a big deal out of ****. So I told white lies to avoid it. She caught me in a couple of them. She simply said to me that in a relationship, you need to be honest and trust that your partner will understand you so you don't need to make these little lies. She then told me if I ever lie to her again, she would leave. I believed her on that.

 

I think you're well within your right to end it though. Trust is huge in a relationship. And this wasn't the first time... the former time seems even more shady. It's like you catch her and she gets afraid to go though with whatever she was lying about.

[ExpatInItaly]

I need some impartial advice and ensure I'm not in the wrong/over reacting here and to check/confirm what I believe to be correct is in fact so.

 

 

Just over a week ago my gf went on holiday. Before she left I asked when she returned which she stated was Sunday morning. This I knew to be a lie as family members prior (without her being present) confirmed Saturday would be the return date. So I asked again and she said Sunday morning. Before she left I asked if she wanted me to drop her off. Initially she said no then switched to yes. The day of her leaving I dropped her off and a family member mentioned they'd be back Saturday so I asked her.. You said Sunday not Saturday. The response was I wanted to go to dinner with family and didn't think you'd want to come. I was furious I was lied to but held off on saying anything until she got back.

 

 

She came back Saturday and asked to get picked up. I asked "what about your day with family, thought you wanted to go to dinner". She states no they didn't want to go and she just needed a lift home. A few hours later I asked her why she lied about her return day. She initially tried to deflect it and I pressed it. She told me I was insecure because my ex cheated. I pressed it again. She stated she wanted an extra day to decompress without seeing me. I found that kind of insulting but ok I'll accept an extra day with family so I asked why lie about it. She said she felt she had to because I made her feel like it was easier to lie than to tell the truth and fight about it! I asked why would we fight I'd never not accept you wanting time with your family. She brought up an incident. A couple of months ago she tells me she can't see me for the entire weekend after plans where made. She had to watch her friends dog and she couldn't leave with it nor could I come over. I found it highly suspect so I asked questions. We fought and she returned a few hours later saying she didn't need to stay after all?

 

 

Bottom line what I got from this talk with the woman was that she lied without a doubt and got caught. Never once did she apologise always provided reasons for doing what she did and those reasons cleared her of any wrongdoing. Why she lied or what her actual intentions where/are.. I really don't know. What I do know is once caught she tried to wiggle out of it a few times until she hit something she thought I'd swallow. Once she thought I swallowed it.. she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her family!! I swear I wanted to slap her. Am I crazy or does this woman just spew out lies without it registering?

 

 

Please tell me I'm not over reacting here in that when I next talk to her (I told her I wanted to think about it) it's to tell her it's over. I'm trying to see this from as many angles as possible and all I come up with is the fact she lied, I can't trust that or her. She might lie again about god knows what. I mean she's been on holiday for a week and mentioned next to nothing about it. She's cast very serious doubt in my mind to the point where I don't know if I can believe anything else that comes out of her hole. I don't think I'm wrong in dumping her.

 

If that's how you feel, then proceed. You don't need our help in doing so.

 

But, take a step back for a moment. Yes, she was dishonest. Why? We don't know. Do you often suspect she's up to no good, and question her about it? It seems that there have been some problems with this in the past, and I don't think she's necessarily entirely to blame. I say this because I once dated a man who was constantly suspicious of me, without a good reason. Every where I went and every change in plans had to be accounted for, and I'd get the third-degree because he was so convinced I was hiding something. (I wasn't) I eventually felt I had to fudge the truth to avoid the hell that would rain down for being honest that sometimes I needed a break from him and couldn't handle the questioning anymore. Once I arrived at that point, I realize the relationship was broken and we split up.

 

OP, I am not trying to lump all the blame on you either. She should just be honest with you, of course. But I'm playing devil's advocate here because I've been on the other side of it. The dynamic here seems unhealthy in any case.

[d0nnivain]

To me it wasn't the worst lie & what it meant was I will be available for you on Sunday.

 

If you are that upset walk away. There is already something wrong if she felt she had to lie to you about her family dinner plans because she thought you would give her hard time about them.

[DivorcedDad123]

It sounds like she may be feeling suffocated by the relationship, and is being untruthful to have some time to herself,especially if she's an introvert.

Back off a bit and give her some time to miss you. We all need a little "me" time without our significant other,family,friends,etc.,,

Let her know it's ok for her to have her own time,but to be honest and just let you know.

[Keenly]

The real issue here is not the dumb lie that she told about which day, but if you look closer, you see that when confronted about her lie, she gives several different excuses, all of which blame you .

 

 

She blames you for her telling a lie. Ridiculous.

[SawtoothMars]

1. The response was I wanted to go to dinner with family and didn't think you'd want to come. I was furious I was lied to but held off on saying anything until she got back.

2. She told me I was insecure because my ex cheated.

3. She stated she wanted an extra day to decompress without seeing me.

4. She said she felt she had to because I made her feel like it was easier to lie than to tell the truth and fight about it!

 

I asked why would we fight I'd never not accept you wanting time with your family. She brought up an incident. A couple of months ago she tells me she can't see me for the entire weekend after plans where made. She had to watch her friends dog and she couldn't leave with it nor could I come over. I found it highly suspect so I asked questions. We fought and she returned a few hours later saying she didn't need to stay after all?

 

I mean she's been on holiday for a week and mentioned next to nothing about it. She's cast very serious doubt in my mind to the point where I don't know if I can believe anything else that comes out of her hole. I don't think I'm wrong in dumping her.

 

After doing some quick redacting... these parts of your story stand out to me.

 

You do come across as a bit of a hard@ss, however her behavior is very dodgy and these are all cheater red flags.

[longjohn]

I'm trying my best to look at this issue from a third person perspective which is very difficult when I'm in it. I do appreciate all the advice given. I don't need any help to leave the woman however I do like to have a few opinions. I try to always make balanced decisions.

 

I don't often suspect she's up to no good, however once in a while her actions/behaviors are suspect to me to say the least. She sometimes will say one thing then do another then say oh but I meant this or that even though the understanding was different. At first I thought it was me now I know it's her. I don't tend to question a lot about what she's doing or up to. I do however ask questions and let her tell me. If it comes up again and the answer is different then yes that's a red flag to me. I too thought maybe it's too much for her too soon and I tired to take a step back and she came after me and made it clear she was interested. I did notice her story changed a few times when pressed on why she lied. This has happened once previously however I couldn't prove the lie and she maintained I had it wrong. My gut says I was right and it says I'm right now. I trust my gut after my ex was up to no good and it was right on the money then. I try not to be a "hard ass" but I also can't sit back and let what I believe or might be suspect behavior go unnoticed and yes I too believed some of her activities suggested cheater activities however I've no way to prove it. Then again do I want to waste time proving it when I can just be done with it? I'm at the done with it point now.

 

 

She's done more and more of the late at work thing, the holiday really bothers me. If I where me I'd be wanting to tell her all about it and show pictures but she's acting like it didn't happen really happen other than a very brief overview. The story with dog sitting still irritates me and I don't believe it all. She did the whole dinner with family thing before but didn't invite me and it didn't bother me then however when I look back now after being lied to it makes me wonder. What else has she lied to me about if she'd lie about something she had to have known I wouldn't have been bothered by. I'm not a control freak by any means but I give what I expect to get in return and that's the truth.

 

 

I think my mind is all but made up on this one.

[longjohn]

Cheater Activities made me think when I was with my ex whom I knew was cheating and could prove it. My current gf does seem to display some of the same signs. However I know this is wild speculation and no way to prove it therefore I'm just thinking out loud here.

 

 

Before she went on holiday we'd not been intimate in a few weeks. Prior we couldn't keep our hands off ourselves. We where at it a couple of times a day every other day. The past few weeks every time I'd try to initiate something she'd reject me. She'd be tried, stresses or I wanted it too often e.g. once a week. It did cross my mind if there was someone else but I suppressed that thought thinking it wasn't fair to compare her to my ex. Now upon her return and after our fight she wanted to be intimate again.

 

This kind of reinforces my position that it's better not to deal with it and just get out of this relationship. Go find a woman that actually is ready to be in a serious relationship.

Edited October 20, 2014 by longjohn

[Tayken]

@OP....take this for what it's worth, but women or men that lie, don't change over night and this attribute has a tendency of extending itself to other parts of their lives. Unless you are a masochist, I'll say abort.

[Ruby Slippers]

I see this as quite shady. I have about zero tolerance for lying. Something is very wrong in your relationship if she can't be honest and say: "I'm getting back on Saturday and will need a day to rest after the trip, so let's get together Sunday." What you now know is that your girlfriend will lie to make things more convenient for herself - complete deal-breaker for me.

 

And I'm surprised you picked up her lying ass on Saturday once the truth came out.

[longjohn]

I see this as quite shady. I have about zero tolerance for lying. Something is very wrong in your relationship if she can't be honest and say: "I'm getting back on Saturday and will need a day to rest after the trip, so let's get together Sunday." What you now know is that your girlfriend will lie to make things more convenient for herself - complete deal-breaker for me.

 

And I'm surprised you picked up her lying ass on Saturday once the truth came out.

I agree however I'm a man of my word and said I'd pick her up. I also said to myself I'd let it sit for a week on it while she was gone and talk to her about it when she got back. I didn't want to break up over a text/email while she and family where on holiday. Why ruin everyone else's trip. What I should have done is told her we where over and left her then and there. It's undeniable that she lied to make things easier for herself. I can't really get out of the reality that if she lied now she may have lied before and may lie again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Cheater Activities made me think when I was with my ex whom I knew was cheating and could prove it. My current gf does seem to display some of the same signs. However I know this is wild speculation and no way to prove it therefore I'm just thinking out loud here.

 

 

Before she went on holiday we'd not been intimate in a few weeks. Prior we couldn't keep our hands off ourselves. We where at it a couple of times a day every other day. The past few weeks every time I'd try to initiate something she'd reject me. She'd be tried, stresses or I wanted it too often e.g. once a week. It did cross my mind if there was someone else but I suppressed that thought thinking it wasn't fair to compare her to my ex. Now upon her return and after our fight she wanted to be intimate again.

 

This kind of reinforces my position that it's better not to deal with it and just get out of this relationship. Go find a woman that actually is ready to be in a serious relationship.

 

Therefore, you're right to end the relationship - the trust is broken and there's distance on her part. Perhaps she's not so into it anymore, either. No sense dragging out the inevitable. If you want to leave, it's your prerogative. It sounds as though you'd be happier on your own at this point.

[longjohn]

Therefore, you're right to end the relationship - the trust is broken and there's distance on her part. Perhaps she's not so into it anymore, either. No sense dragging out the inevitable. If you want to leave, it's your prerogative. It sounds as though you'd be happier on your own at this point.

I'd be happy in a relationship with someone that's actually ready to be in one. I don't trust the woman how can I if she'd lie about that she'd lie about anything as it seems to be easier for her. I finally get to the point in my life where I've got most things sorted. Career is on track and I'm actually starting to make decent money, own my own home, car, little debt and I keep.. Thinking.. I just need the right woman and all is complete. Then I meet one after another that turns out to be one lying turd after another.

[Tayken]

Thinking.. I just need the right woman and all is complete. Then I meet one after another that turns out to be one lying turd after another.

 

Just make sure you keep your wits about you, sign a prenup that is iron clad, if you don't want to end up handing over 50% of all you have. No amount of booty call or BJ is worth that.

[Doglover0261]

I see this as quite shady. I have about zero tolerance for lying. Something is very wrong in your relationship if she can't be honest and say: "I'm getting back on Saturday and will need a day to rest after the trip, so let's get together Sunday." What you now know is that your girlfriend will lie to make things more convenient for herself - complete deal-breaker for me.

 

And I'm surprised you picked up her lying ass on Saturday once the truth came out.

 

 

I totally agree. Lying is my biggest peeve and a deal breaker for me. People who lie will continue to lie until it gets to point they no longer realize they are lying. That was how my ex was. she would lie constantly and I had to tell I already know the truth. The irony of the story is that she end up in law school to be a lawyer

[bolase]

Cheater Activities made me think when I was with my ex whom I knew was cheating and could prove it. My current gf does seem to display some of the same signs. However I know this is wild speculation and no way to prove it therefore I'm just thinking out loud here.

 

 

Before she went on holiday we'd not been intimate in a few weeks. Prior we couldn't keep our hands off ourselves. We where at it a couple of times a day every other day. The past few weeks every time I'd try to initiate something she'd reject me. She'd be tried, stresses or I wanted it too often e.g. once a week. It did cross my mind if there was someone else but I suppressed that thought thinking it wasn't fair to compare her to my ex. Now upon her return and after our fight she wanted to be intimate again.

 

This kind of reinforces my position that it's better not to deal with it and just get out of this relationship. Go find a woman that actually is ready to be in a serious relationship.

 

I'll admit, when I first read your initial post my reaction was 'what a control freak' with you OP, and something about the language you use sits badly with me. You seem to feel entitled to know what shes up to all the time, but I can't put my finger on it. Trust means you don't need to know, ALL the time. I think that you are entitled certainly to the truth, of course, but maybe she feels you wouldn't be understanding if she was honest about wanting to spend time a) alone b) with friends c) with acquaintances instead of with you, just you know, for a break from you. She would've been keenly aware that after her holiday you would want to see her (well, before all the drama). Would she have felt awkward having to say no to you because you feel entitled to her company that night? Or would it have been sweet either way cause you would ask her 'hey! Want me to pick you up the night you get back and we'll hang out or will you need some downtime?'

 

I suspect the former, otherwise there's nothing for her to lie for. However it;s not your fault she lied, and she should have been honest. I've told this white lie to one of my oldest friends, because she acts hurt sometimes if I want to do other things than kick it with her and she happens to be free. We're both in the wrong imo - unhealthy dynamic.

 

Especially with the lack of intimacy...I don't think you guys are making each other happy any more and yes you should find someone that loves you.

[longjohn]

I'll admit, when I first read your initial post my reaction was 'what a control freak' with you OP, and something about the language you use sits badly with me. You seem to feel entitled to know what shes up to all the time, but I can't put my finger on it. Trust means you don't need to know, ALL the time. I think that you are entitled certainly to the truth, of course, but maybe she feels you wouldn't be understanding if she was honest about wanting to spend time a) alone b) with friends c) with acquaintances instead of with you, just you know, for a break from you. She would've been keenly aware that after her holiday you would want to see her (well, before all the drama). Would she have felt awkward having to say no to you because you feel entitled to her company that night? Or would it have been sweet either way cause you would ask her 'hey! Want me to pick you up the night you get back and we'll hang out or will you need some downtime?'

 

I suspect the former, otherwise there's nothing for her to lie for. However it;s not your fault she lied, and she should have been honest. I've told this white lie to one of my oldest friends, because she acts hurt sometimes if I want to do other things than kick it with her and she happens to be free. We're both in the wrong imo - unhealthy dynamic.

 

Especially with the lack of intimacy...I don't think you guys are making each other happy any more and yes you should find someone that loves you.

What language sits badly with you? I feel entitled to the truth, I don't need to know where she is or what she's doing unless she wants to share that. I did not feel entitled to her company that night I felt it was best upon her return to spend a day with her family which I expected from the start. Instead she chose to lie which poisons the relationship and erodes trust. She phoned me to say I'm back come pick me up and like an idiot I did. I should have dumped her the second I thought she was lying the first time. If someone lies about something that small or "feels" it's easier to lie than tell the truth how can they be trusted anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

So did you break up with her, OP?

[Fondue]

Holy ****, man. Dump her already. Quit it with these threads. SHe's bad news bears and you know it.