I thought we had a connection? Why ignore me?

[purplesoul]

so for those that are interested, the backstory :

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/490833-moving-towards-separation-bittersweet-meeting

 

Essentially met someone as headed into divorce with husband ( it's finalized now). We met at event, really clicked. He's pretty sensitive and very smart and we bonded over many things. Nothing happened but some slight hand holding and I said I didn't want to get into anything until I actually told husband I want divorce.

 

He called me a few days later to let me know how much he appreciated our meeting and to stay in touch. He then called 2 weeks later ( I had moved out and filed by then), and when I updated him, he was pleasantly surprised and went on about new beginnings etc. For the next several days we spoke quite often about random things and there was obvious flirting. He's an artist and would often send me some of his work, and I, send him as well. Anyway, he is often out of the country for work trips and I knew even from then on that his work was very problematic. A week later, I too left for Europe to stay with my sister. I left him a quick message about my plans and he then went on to call me. He knew I'd be away for a month plus. Initally he called me long distance quite often ( he was also overseas for work), and our conversations became very telling. We opened up more and he asked if I could imagine myself one day with him etc..

 

I was more open than usual with him as he struck me as a very nice guy, and someone like me, sensitive and honest. The only red flag for me was that he has many women friends, many. That and he is rather wealthy by his own right and not a bad looking man. Weird red flags but nonetheless, I wondered why he was still single? However, those were my insecurities. I'm not a vain person in the least or the type to pay attention to my looks ( he hangs out in what seems to be a flashy crowd in ref to women), but he'd tell me things like I don't recognise how beautiful I am etc. He told me how he's looking so forward to me coming back, and this was amongst normal conversation.

 

3 weeks into my trip, his texts and calls got less. I assumed this to mean, work got crazy stressful and after a week of silence, I called him. It was awkward cause the reception sucked and because I am still fragile and I grew to care about him; to protect myself I vowed to never call again. Regardless, he messaged me next day thanking for call, I ignored, then he messaged me two more times and then he called and I did pick up and he apologised for signal etc. So then I felt all well with world.

 

We spoke a few more times and he expressed his delight at me returning soon and how he hoped he'd also be in country. He asked whether I thought it'd be awkward when we met again or whether we'd pick up where we left off? In my heart I wanted to say, I want to pick up where we left off ( wherever that was), but proceeded to say I had no expectactions and things would happen as they happen and more than anything I wouldn't want to lose a potentially good friendship over preconceived expectations seeing as we hadn't met again. He agreed he thought it'd be great.

 

Anyway, following this I felt a bit bad; maybe I pushed the friendship thing too much? However on same note, I felt off as he was so full on with chatting etc and had tapered off.

 

I returned to country and he didn't message/call me for 5 days ( I assumed he was still on work trip) but he finally did and I ignored it for several days. The first day he messaged me a smiley(?) and second day a 'hey, how is it?' and later on he proceeded to tell me he was still in country x, the third day after he asked if all was good, I said yes and he called and we spoke and it was great.

 

Honestly, I am not one to play games but somehow I feel he is? He informed me he might be in country on the friday and asked my plans. I told him and he asked whether it'd be an all day thing? I said of course if he came down, I'd like to see him and he said in a sad tone that he's insanely overworked but will know on the day and call me. Well, he never called and he never came anyway.

 

Last night my friend was like, why dont you just message him like a normal person and ask how he is considering how nice he was to you ( ie caling me when abroad etc). I messaged asking if he was okay etc? He said, he is okay, just at a funeral and how are you darling? When I saw the funeral thing I called but it didn't get through ( I don't do condolences on text and besides didn't know who had died). I then sent a niceity message hoping all was well and letting him know I called to offer my condolences. He called me and said it was someone distant etc and then I lightly said, ah okay, I was just wondering if you were good as you disappeared? He laughed and said he knows and it's horrible but he'll be back in a day and half and let's have a lunch to catch up?

 

I don't know why that irritated me? I just felt it sounded so blase especially considering how much we used to talk? I assumed he was like me, a open communicator but it seems to me that he isn't? I don't know. I said something along the lines of, well don't not forcing you to stay in touch ha ha, just was odd that I never heard from you but anyway I just wanted to touch base, and talk soon and rushed off phone.

 

I honestly don't know what to think of this. He really came on strong. I really thought in him I saw a kindred spirit, whether for potential relationship or friendship? Am I being unfair? He now just messaged me saying how much my call meant to him. I don't get him. Please enlighten Does he think I want a relationship and is trying to blow me off politely? I feel this is all playing with my emotions and I feel bad.

Edited October 20, 2014 by purplesoul

[purplesoul]

Can I tell him this makes me uncomfortable? In my perfect world I would but I know most people don't like outright bluntness ( to be fair, it hasn't always served me well either!)

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like his interest has dipped somewhat. He may also be wary as you're pretty fresh (I gather) out of marriage. But I also think your insecurities are creeping through a bit, too. He suggested lunch, so he apparently wants to see you. The bottom line is that if he wanted to be in more frequent contact, he would be. He sounds interested in staying in touch but perhaps not getting into a relationship at the moment. Go to lunch and take it from there.

[purplesoul]

That makes sense to me but why just not tell me? Is it wrong for me to state that I can sense some slight awkwardness and I dont at all want him to think I'm expecting a relationship asap? I just don't think it's right to talk so much and fully to someone, state how much you like the openness and then go quiet or bombard me with msges when I dont respond. It's not nice

[Mascara]

You say you don't play games, but you kind of are - deliberately ignoring calls/texts and waiting until he's sent you several. On top of that, you've told him you don't want to spoil a friendship. The message that's coming over loud and clear is that you're not very interested. If you want to stop any awkwardness I suggest you stop calculating when to reply/what to say.

[purplesoul]

i dont know what to do? i do like him or at least what this had the potential of becoming but i am very insecure and due to my divorce, i guess more fragile than usual

[Emilia]

i dont know what to do? i do like him or at least what this had the potential of becoming but i am very insecure and due to my divorce, i guess more fragile than usual

It's very hard to date insecure, fragile people. It's something I have experience of and while I recognise the signs and I'm probably a bit more patient because I understand it, it's still very difficult. It's impossible to reassure a very insecure person, they constantly take slights where none was intended, get discouraged, defensive, it can be very draining and the other person feels they have their hands full with the insecure person, their own emotional needs aren't met.

 

Don't you think you need some time away from dating until you recover?

[purplesoul]

I'm starting to agree with that but my question is, I don't want to have potentially ruined 'this', whatever we had due to my own insecurities? Maybe it's me, maybe it's him. How do I articulate it as I sincerely like him as a human being and perhaps I am not aware of how I come off in my own words

[Mascara]

You don't articulate it, because then you're making it his issue. Early dating should be fun and breezy. It's your issue to resolve, and if you can't do that while casually dating this man then - as Emilia says - you need to do it before dating at all.

[purplesoul]

so should i not go for a lunch with him? i'm so sorry but i really don't know what to do and i guess whether i am ready or not, i still don't want to lose potential

[CarrieT]

i am very insecure and due to my divorce, i guess more fragile than usual

Emilia and Mascara pinned it exactly.

 

You haven't recovered from a divorce and are already anxious about someone you barely know = let it go until you are more secure in your own skin before starting down this road of getting to know someone so intently.

[purplesoul]

so, what do i do if he calls for lunch? i think its a given i am very anxious right now but i still dont want to be perceived wrongly. can i be frank with him?

[CarrieT]

can i be frank with him?

No!

 

Lighten up! If he calls for lunch, go to lunch! But stop projecting what you hope/want/fear/expect...

 

Look, you barely know this guy. In your head, you are fantasizing what "could be" without really knowing this person. THATis what you have to stop. If there is a lunch date, that is your opportunity to diffuse your anxiety by just - as Mascara said - being light and breezy and shelving your expectations.

[Mascara]

Go for lunch, but treat it as an early date. Nothing more. Look, I've been on dates with not-ready men, and like others say..... it's difficult. You sit there anticipating a pleasant drink or dinner and instead he just goes on about how he's just divorced, how painful it was, how fragile he is. And I'd sit there smiling politely thinking "Why do I need to fix him, I didn't break him. Why is he telling me he's fragile - it's our second date, why am I responsible for not hurting him when I barely know him"

 

It's too much pressure to put on someone you hardly know, and who is probably just anticipating a nice lunch with a nice woman. If you start opening your heart this early, he's going to get antsy about feeling like he always needs to reassure you, never call late, never say the wrong thing - that he might just feel it's not worth the hassle.

[purplesoul]

Thank you thank you thank you!! I really am not ready and I shouldn't as one poster said play games induced from my own insecurities. What I did was send casual message pertaining to some of my art work and asked if his opinion would interest me when he had time. He said he'd like that and have me his email and I thanked him with ' I just send it, look over it while you can ,no pressure, thanks x' and he replied ' cool. will do xo'

 

what do you think? from my end too, i like him a lot as a person and whilst something in future might be nice, i don't want to be awkward or too intense for him right now hahaha

[CarrieT]

You are reading every text and OVER ANALYZING.

 

Stop it! Put.The.Phone.Down.

 

Texting is irrelevant! What happens with real conversations is what counts. Spending time together - if it gets to that point.

 

You don't like him as a person because you don't really know him yet! Do you see that? You like what little you know and what you are projecting you want him to be based on a few texts and - what? - ONE meeting in person!?!?

 

Don't you see how you are already obsessing over someone you barely know???

[purplesoul]

You are reading every text and OVER ANALYZING.

 

Stop it! Put.The.Phone.Down.

 

Texting is irrelevant! What happens with real conversations is what counts. Spending time together - if it gets to that point.

 

You don't like him as a person because you don't really know him yet! Do you see that? You like what little you know and what you are projecting you want him to be based on a few texts and - what? - ONE meeting in person!?!?

 

Don't you see how you are already obsessing over someone you barely know???

 

*stab to the heart* i know, you are so right. i need to really get my crap together and relax. i actually feel better after everyone's words. relax. relax. relax.

[CharlieFox]

Honestly, I am not one to play games but somehow I feel he is?

 

Honestly, it kinda seems like you ARE playing games:

 

to protect myself I vowed to never call again. Regardless, he messaged me next day thanking for call, I ignored

 

I returned to country and he didn't message/call me for 5 days ( I assumed he was still on work trip) but he finally did and I ignored it for several days.

 

This is straight up game playing. And since you don't really have any idea what you want, and you aren't quite honest with him, you are giving him a lot of mixed signals - do you want a relationship with this guy or do you want a friendship? These two are rather different and if I was him, even after reading your post, I would still have no idea what you want to have with me.

[purplesoul]

Honestly, it kinda seems like you ARE playing games:

 

 

 

 

 

This is straight up game playing. And since you don't really have any idea what you want, and you aren't quite honest with him, you are giving him a lot of mixed signals - do you want a relationship with this guy or do you want a friendship? These two are rather different and if I was him, even after reading your post, I would still have no idea what you want to have with me.

 

ah, i am SO bad at this. it was so natural in the beginning because i was being myself but then i got caught up in expectations/rules/crap/anxiety and i judged him based on what i perceived as red flags. i guess he too sucks with contact etc but from here onwards, gonna screw those 'rules' and just be myself which i guess ALSO involves not being crazy with expectations.

 

the thing is, i dont miss my marriage. it was so hard, and emotionally draining and by the end i was so tired, i could have just dropped into a deep coma and never woken up so where is all this anxiety/expectation coming from?! i do like him, i know it's only been one meeting but it was just so natural ( nothing at all to do with physical), and he called me many times while i was away......i just got insecure and didn't feel i was good enough. oh and to make matters better, i got made redundant AND gave my ex everything in divorce so now it's back to square one!!

[CarrieT]

*stab to the heart*

This statement is very telling.

 

YOU have already invested your heart into something that doesn't exist yet.

 

Relax? You need to emotionally move BEYOND relaxing and start back-pedaling emotionally in a big, big way.

 

Again, stop projecting hopes, fears, anticipations and fantasies on someone you barely know. I know exactly what you are doing. You are playing mind-movies on who this guy is based on what you WANT without actually finding out who HE IS in reality.

[CharlieFox]

The most important thing right now is to be honest with yourself - and that way, you can be honest with him. What exactly do you want - a friendship, or a relationship? As I said, don't string him along, and make sure he knows where you stand, and let him tell you what he wants as well.

[purplesoul]

I had no idea I'd come of as if I were playing games? The whole time I was just trying to protect myself by ensuring I don't initiate text/call ( well, until recently). I thought he didn't like me anymore as he wasn't calling as often. I thought it was the 'guy thing' to do. I don't know where he stands now but when he mentioned the lunch catch up, I felt deflated...? In retrospect, not sure why? God, I must sound psychotic!

[Emilia]

I had no idea I'd come of as if I were playing games? The whole time I was just trying to protect myself by ensuring I don't initiate text/call ( well, until recently). I thought he didn't like me anymore as he wasn't calling as often. I thought it was the 'guy thing' to do. I don't know where he stands now but when he mentioned the lunch catch up, I felt deflated...? In retrospect, not sure why? God, I must sound psychotic!

Did you have similar issues during your marriage? Did you feel your husband 'let you down' when he didn't get right what you wanted, changed plans suddenly?

[purplesoul]

Did you have similar issues during your marriage? Did you feel your husband 'let you down' when he didn't get right what you wanted, changed plans suddenly?

 

Yes, I did. I tried not to but this seeping disappointment would take over, and weird sadness. I know sometimes it'd be really bratty i.e something I wanted and he'd change it last second. The thing is, I really want to be 'normal' or at least feel so, so sometimes when people say 'take some time to think', it doesnt't resonate. All I've done is think for years. I feel like I almost just want permission to be myself, I'm very open and do have a big heart ( I'm stating the good things here, the bad would take us till tomorrow), and so like to just say what I feel however I feel that that can be misrepresented especially when I'm a ball of insecurity as I am now

[CarrieT]

OP, are you in therapy at all now?

 

Counseling may go a long way to help you heal from your divorce and be a stronger person on your own before getting involved in another relationship...