How to get myself out of this date?

[bolase]

I met this guy on Tinder and we've been chatting everyday for a month on Facebook. We were strangers before this.

 

While the same age (30) we are different; I'm a nerdy scientist who likes to play sports, he is a musician who parties a lot and is pretty lax on the exercise front..not in the best shape etc..but we love talking. He is not conventionally attractive but that's not important to me. However he told me he was on the short side, so I half-jokingly told him he'd better fess up if I'd look down on him from 5'5 (which is important to me), he said he thinks he's 5'7.

 

This week we agreed to meet this week. He then started to get very, very insecure. I suggested coffee and he got annoyed as he had implied dinner earlier. I just replied that coffee was more relaxed for a first meeting.

 

He then suggested a dinner place where his friends all work and asked if I am certain that I want to go to dinner with a (long list of derogatory terms about himself). He then posted a photo of himself where I am fairly certain he would be much shorter than I am..no other photos on his fb show this.

 

Kind of put off by this insecurity and the fact I think he has lied about height, because you should not lie about that.

 

Just now he messaged me saying coffee was okay too, whatever I wanted. But now I don't want to go... just feels wrong. How do I communicate this? Do I just go to coffee?

Edited October 20, 2014 by bolase

[Emilia]

But now I don't want to go... just feels wrong. How do I communicate this? Do I just go to coffee?

How do you think you would handle it if the worst became true, he was difficult and you didn't find him attractive?

[bolase]

How do you think you would handle it if the worst became true, he was difficult and you didn't find him attractive?

 

Well I reckon I would still be able to enjoy a coffee with him no matter what as there is no pressure. I do get really anxious on first dates! But a dinner at a restaurant where his friends are working? Probably drink a bit fast.

[Ruby Slippers]

"I don't think we're a match. Good luck in your search!"

[333unsure]

I don't understand why anyone would chat for a whole month without meeting - seems like a huge waste of time. In any event, the most important thing is that if you have a not good feeling about him and think you don't want to meet, you shouldn't meet. You have a bunch of red flags there, but the one that really pings for me is that you said coffee and he balked, and pressured dinner. Yes, he relented, but it's just a bad dynamic. All the guys I've met online that seemed decent (and turned out ok in person) were much more relaxed about that kind of thing, and perfectly happy to accommodate me and do whatever I wanted, even if it was clear they'd like to go to dinner instead of coffee. But never pressured or used guilt in any way.

 

You don't know this guy. You met him on tinder (AFAIK, a hookup site). Send him a short, polite message declining any in-person meetup (give whatever reason you want) and move on. If he reacts poorly to your message (complete silence or any kind of lashing out) then you know without a doubt you made the right decision.

 

Feeling bad about turning someone down is an absolutely terrible reason to go on a date. Just don't. You're pretty much guaranteed to regret it!

[Emilia]

Well I reckon I would still be able to enjoy a coffee with him no matter what as there is no pressure. I do get really anxious on first dates! But a dinner at a restaurant where his friends are working? Probably drink a bit fast.

Then I would go for a coffee and see what happens. Certainly not dinner at any rate, he is a stranger.

[quidproquo89]

I have no idea why he would get so weird before you've even begun and just when he should be showing he's relaxed attitude.

 

If you don't want to go, don't. Just say your not interested in taking things any further and good luck.

 

Up to you if you want to go or next

[bolase]

I don't understand why anyone would chat for a whole month without meeting - seems like a huge waste of time. In any event, the most important thing is that if you have a not good feeling about him and think you don't want to meet, you shouldn't meet. You have a bunch of red flags there, but the one that really pings for me is that you said coffee and he balked, and pressured dinner. Yes, he relented, but it's just a bad dynamic. All the guys I've met online that seemed decent (and turned out ok in person) were much more relaxed about that kind of thing, and perfectly happy to accommodate me and do whatever I wanted, even if it was clear they'd like to go to dinner instead of coffee. But never pressured or used guilt in any way.

 

You don't know this guy. You met him on tinder (AFAIK, a hookup site). Send him a short, polite message declining any in-person meetup (give whatever reason you want) and move on. If he reacts poorly to your message (complete silence or any kind of lashing out) then you know without a doubt you made the right decision.

 

Feeling bad about turning someone down is an absolutely terrible reason to go on a date. Just don't. You're pretty much guaranteed to regret it!

 

Thanks so much. I know, we both agreed it's been too long almost, but he has been overseas and I've been out of town for part of this month, so there hasn't been much opportunity. Definitely not just a hook up app, the last person I met on tinder in Jan I ended up falling for through letters...he joined the army then eventually we decided not to continue as it was too impossible. So I'm looking for someone I connect with on every level. But you're quite right to caution dinner with a stranger.

[d0nnivain]

I'd get the coffee with him.

 

In person people can be different then on line.

 

It's what -- an hour out of your life?

 

Even if he's not perfect, meet him. Maybe you seeing this through will give him some confidence. Maybe you will meet the love of your life -- him or somebody else -- on the date.

[stillafool]

But now I don't want to go... just feels wrong. How do I communicate this? Do I just go to coffee?

 

If you feel this way don't go. You will be wasting your time as well as his. Just tell him you don't think you two are good match and best of luck.

[cif]

His insecurity is a big turn off and I don't like the pushiness of the dinner for first meeting.

No don't go.. waste of time.

 

Tell him you don't think you're well-suited for each other, wish him luck.

[bolase]

His insecurity is a big turn off and I don't like the pushiness of the dinner for first meeting.

No don't go.. waste of time.

 

Tell him you don't think you're well-suited for each other, wish him luck.

 

Thanks, I did this. Having felt gradually worse and worse about it as time went on!

[Arieswoman]

bolase,

I chatted to a guy once with OLD who said in his profile that he was "large build". On the personal profiles there was a choice of "slim", "average", "large", "heavy" and he had ticked "large".

(As I was tiny at the time, 8 stone, 5'2" I put on my profile that I didn't want to meet guys of "heavy build").

I asked him how large he was and he was evasive and said he was just "well built".

He was very keen to take me to dinner and wouldn't be dissuaded and wanted to pick me up. In the end I agreed to meet him at the restaurant.

When his car came round the corner into the car park I thought these was something wrong with the suspension because it was really down at the front on the driver's side. I saw what the problem was when he got out of the car. He was 30 stone if he was an ounce and was so big he had trouble getting through the door of the restaurant. He was unable to get into the chair at the dinner table, so the staff had to bring him a kitchen stool to sit on.

 

It was the most embarrassing meal I ever had. He ate like a pig and asked for about 6 side dishes which he proceeded to shove into his maw.

 

Needless to say I didn't go on another date with him - not just because he was obese but because my dog had better table manners.

 

I learned that, in future quick, coffee dates were best and also not to waste too much time chatting before meeting someone........

[bolase]

Ahahaha. Sorry you went through that, at least it's hilariously bad...lesson learned about not wasting time chatting.

 

This dude is now messaging me back, initially saying good luck etc, but now calling me a creep and suggesting im just looking for penpals, which he thinks is creepy..lol

[Arieswoman]

bolase,

this guy of yours is starting to become a pest, and a rude one at that. Can you block him ?

[Emilia]

Ahahaha. Sorry you went through that, at least it's hilariously bad...lesson learned about not wasting time chatting.

 

This dude is now messaging me back, initially saying good luck etc, but now calling me a creep and suggesting im just looking for penpals, which he thinks is creepy..lol

Delete and block.

[Diezel]

This dude is now messaging me back, initially saying good luck etc, but now calling me a creep and suggesting im just looking for penpals, which he thinks is creepy..lol

 

Agreed with Delete and Block.

But hard to not see where the guy is coming from. If he were posting on here, he'd probably post about this girl from Tinder who he messaged on Facebook for 1 month and just cancelled their first date.

[bolase]

I know! And I would be all "shes such a flake! you deserve better" I should have had my wits about me sooner but it is the behaviour since we talked about meeting that put me off.

 

I felt tempted to reply to him with "if this is how you're gonna be I'm glad we didn't meet!" but of course will just block. (he's deleted me).

Edited October 21, 2014 by bolase

[ASG]

I know! And I would be all "shes suck a flake! you deserve better" I should have had my wits about me sooner but it is the behaviour since we talked about meeting that put me off.

 

I felt tempted to reply to him with "if this is how you're gonna be I'm glad we didn't meet!" but of course will just block. (he's deleted me).

 

You could just tell him the real reason. "If you weren't so insecure about yourself, I would have gone. But since you made it a point to represent yourself so negatively, I chose to go with your assertion."