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Why do less attractive/desirable people dump more desirable people?


Eighty_nine

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Alright, so... I'm sure other people have experienced this. In fact I know they have from threads I've read.

 

I've recently had two separate incidents where people clearly less attractive/desirable than me played games with me, messed with my head, "dumped" me and came back etc etc.

 

I am realistic about my own desirability. It's not that I believe I'm a 10- I just know I'm solidly attractive. These two particular people were less attractive, less educated, less social, had mood disorders, and just MUCH less going for them than I did. I've dated people who have loved and respected me who were better catches than these people.

 

But they somehow made me feel not good enough for them, even though i KNEW based on previous experiences that I could get better quality people. I have never in my life had trouble attracting men, EVER. I've had several serious relationships. And flings. And I have lots of very good friends, a masters degree, have traveled all over the world, have a pretty good body and cute face etc etc. But two people clearly "below" me in all of these ways this past year totally had me wrapped around their finger, manipulated me, made me question my own worth.

 

WHY do people not even in my league have the power to do this to me?! I understand that people tend to use people who they see as "below" them, but what about the dynamic where people are horrible to people who could clearly do better?

Edited by lissvarna
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ThorntonMelon

I think attraction and chemistry overcomes traditional social ideals.

 

Or you just are a magnet for *******s.

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Perhaps their idea of attractive has nothing to do with looks, wealth or the school someone went to... they clearly want more and know they can get it.

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Perhaps their idea of attractive has nothing to do with looks, wealth or the school someone went to... they clearly want more and know they can get it.

 

I'm not talking about wealth or what school I went to. Looks I guess a little bit, but that is not my point. I'm an interesting, caring, fun girl who is close to my family and friends. I connect with people easily, including the people I'm referring to. And I happen to be decent looking. These are people without friends, without much of a career to speak of, who both have some mental health issues (depression) and they totally used and manipulated me.

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Maybe they sensed you felt you were a better catch. Who wants to be with someone who thinks they are better than you in any capacity?

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You probably didn't mean to come across this way, but from your first post in this topic you come across as having a big ego. It's like your saying "how dare they screw with me when I know I'm hot & successful". That's honestly the vibe I got from the tone of your post.

 

And honestly I'm kinda offended that you even mentioned mental health issues. Since I have depression as well. It's almost like your saying people with depression are below you. The tone of your posts make you come across as a person who thinks really highly of yourself.

 

Edit: Actually re-reading your first post, you said exactly that about someone with depression being below you. Extremely shallow on your part.

Edited by NJ123
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Manipulators are Manipulators no matter what level of education or attractiveness they might have, and there may have been a touch of jealousy or 'wanting to put you in your place.' I'm sorry it had to happen to you but hopefully you have the know how to spot someone like that in the future and run a mile.

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You are upset you got manipulated?

 

Why did you let it happen?

 

This wasn't one time but twice which is a trend so you are the one at fault here. Why are you attracted to these kind of men?

 

Why dud you say yes to dating them?

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Maybe they sensed you felt you were a better catch. Who wants to be with someone who thinks they are better than you in any capacity?

 

Yep maybe its this. Maybe they behaved the way they did because they were insecure about having a gf that was out of their league. There is a post just above this about a guy daing a taller girl and she initially chased him but he dismissed her, but then realised she was actually a great person even though he felt uncomfortable dating her because she was tall and changed his mind and asked her out. Maybe its something along these lines. I'd expect it to be much less common than the opposite where the less desirable person is rapt they found someone who's a great catch and wont blow up their good fortune. (I'm talking looks/style/class here and leaving personality out of it)

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WHY do people not even in my league have the power to do this to me?! I understand that people tend to use people who they see as "below" them, but what about the dynamic where people are horrible to people who could clearly do better?

 

The pick up artist types have been teaching guys how women think for a while now. Back in the day you had to figure women out by trial and error, today you can basically read a manual.

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most_distant_galaxy

It seems that you are still hurt by the way they treated you. But what kind of mind games were they playing with you?

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Even though you paint yourself as a lovely individual, your first post made you come across as quite an arrogant person. That would turn me off, personally, no matter whether you had better looks or education than myself.

 

Somehow it also seems like you think these people ought to worship you. Don't you realize that YOU are the one who perceive them to be less desirable? Maybe they perceive you to be less desirable than them. They have their own visions, goals and expectations of a partner; and you might not have met them.

 

I'm sorry they manipulated you, though.

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Even though you paint yourself as a lovely individual, your first post made you come across as quite an arrogant person. That would turn me off, personally, no matter whether you had better looks or education than myself.

 

Somehow it also seems like you think these people ought to worship you. Don't you realize that YOU are the one who perceive them to be less desirable? Maybe they perceive you to be less desirable than them. They have their own visions, goals and expectations of a partner; and you might not have met them.

 

I'm sorry they manipulated you, though.

 

Im going to go ahead and request this thread be deleted, since what I think Is a completely legitimate topic is being totally warped into me having "ego issues". Couldn't be farther from the truth. Knowing I have my **** together and make a good partner does not equal ego issues. I have a realistic view of myself and know I can do better than people who treated me poorly and had problems in several areas of their lives. What made me post this was actually another girl on this forum who seems sweet, articulate and pretty and is being totally messed with by a person who seems far less desireble than she does.

 

And I did NOT NOT NOT say they were below me because they had depression just because I used those two phrases in one sentance. Amazing how you'll all skew anything.

Edited by lissvarna
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Im going to go ahead and request this thread be deleted, since what I think Is a completely legitimate topic is being totally warped into me having "ego issues". Couldn't be farther from the truth. Knowing I have my **** together and make a good partner does not equal ego issues. I have a realistic view of myself and know I can do better than people who treated me poorly and had problems in several areas of their lives. What made me post this was actually another girl on this forum who seems sweet, articulate and pretty and is being totally messed with by a person who seems far less desireble than she does.

 

And I did NOT NOT NOT say they were below me because they had depression just because I used those two phrases in one sentance. Amazing how you'll all skew anything.

 

Perhaps some introspection might help you.

You do come off as arrogant - and it's not just one person pointing it out. I think reflecting on, and being aware of how you present yourself- where others tend to see you in this negative light- may help you to correct it.

 

That could also be the reason why your encounters with those you perceive as 'less-than' ended up the way it did for you.

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Perhaps some introspection might help you.

You do come off as arrogant - and it's not just one person pointing it out. I think reflecting on, and being aware of how you present yourself- where others tend to see you in this negative light- may help you to correct it.

 

That could also be the reason why your encounters with those you perceive as 'less-than' ended up the way it did for you.

 

 

I don't think there is anyway a person will come off when explaining such things to people that don't know them or have any experience that can relate, where they don't appear 'conceited' or shallow.

 

Some things are just better left unsaid. No matter the truth of the matter, or how you explain your reasonings, people will interpet it all wrong and take offense.

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You probably didn't mean to come across this way, but from your first post in this topic you come across as having a big ego. It's like your saying "how dare they screw with me when I know I'm hot & successful". That's honestly the vibe I got from the tone of your post.

 

And honestly I'm kinda offended that you even mentioned mental health issues. Since I have depression as well. It's almost like your saying people with depression are below you. The tone of your posts make you come across as a person who thinks really highly of yourself.

 

Edit: Actually re-reading your first post, you said exactly that about someone with depression being below you. Extremely shallow on your part.

 

My question is; why would someone even date someone they consider 'out of their league'?

 

OP, doubt you'll be reading this but I think your use of 'below me' is what set this whole thing off.

It does come off as condescending...a lot of people here consider themselves 'below' women in general so you can imagine why it will bother some people here.

I'm sure what you really meant was that these men were not the type you usually go for.

 

Also, the fact you are getting the thread deleted after the first post that calls you out on your attitude isn't helping either. Explaining yourself could be a better way of dealing with this than getting on your high horse.

 

I am also going to second the offense concerning mental health. People have no control over mental issues.

You may not have said 'this person is below me because of the mental issues' but you did say you considered people with mental illness (among other things) were below you.

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I've recently had two separate incidents where people clearly less attractive/desirable than me played games with me, messed with my head, "dumped" me and came back etc etc.

 

These two particular people were less attractive, less educated, less social, had mood disorders, and just MUCH less going for them than I did. I've dated people who have loved and respected me who were better catches than these people.

 

But they somehow made me feel not good enough for them, even though i KNEW based on previous experiences that I could get better quality people. I have never in my life had trouble attracting men, EVER. I've had several serious relationships. And flings. And I have lots of very good friends, a masters degree, have traveled all over the world, have a pretty good body and cute face etc etc. But two people clearly "below" me in all of these ways this past year totally had me wrapped around their finger, manipulated me, made me question my own worth.

 

WHY do people not even in my league have the power to do this to me?! I understand that people tend to use people who they see as "below" them, but what about the dynamic where people are horrible to people who could clearly do better?

 

Yikes.

 

I'll get past all the red tape and actually ask you a question based on what you are TRYING to ask.

 

OP, why are you dating down? That's the question you need to be asking yourself. You are stating 18 reasons as to why you shouldn't, but yet... you still do.

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I should have left out my personal experince and asked a general question. Which is the reason I started this thread in the first place.. Because I see it happen to others often. Now it's just about bashing me and my supposedly big ego. The Internet is a bummer. Unfortunate wording in a post and people have a completely inaccurate image of me.

 

Anyway, part of the reason I used the word below is because of how they treated me. I treat people with kindess, maintain good friendships and family relationship, interact well with coworkers and people in general. The people who I'm talking about can't maintain many relationships and generally treat people poorly. I'm working on my issues and why I got attached to people like this in the first place. I should have asked this GENERAL question because I'm wondering what happens on the side of the manipulator when they are involved with someone who clearly could do better and I do NOT mean for shallow reasons. I bring up looks because sadly... They matter. But that's really not what my general question was about.

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Maybe they sensed you felt you were a better catch. Who wants to be with someone who thinks they are better than you in any capacity?

 

I was thinking the same thing. You sound like you think that you're better than they are.

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I was thinking the same thing. You sound like you think that you're better than they are.

I do think that. I'm kind and warm and good to other people and for those reasons i DO think I'm better. I certainly didn't at the beginning when I didn't realize what kind of person/people I was getting involved with. I had rose colored glasses on about who they really were.

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Anyway, part of the reason I used the word below is because of how they treated me. I treat people with kindess, maintain good friendships and family relationship, interact well with coworkers and people in general. The people who I'm talking about can't maintain many relationships and generally treat people poorly. I'm working on my issues and why I got attached to people like this in the first place. I should have asked this GENERAL question because I'm wondering what happens on the side of the manipulator when they are involved with someone who clearly could do better and I do NOT mean for shallow reasons. I bring up looks because sadly... They matter. But that's really not what my general question was about.

 

Well, if they can't maintain relationships, then maybe they dumped you, before you could dump them?

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I should have left out my personal experince and asked a general question. Which is the reason I started this thread in the first place.. Because I see it happen to others often. Now it's just about bashing me and my supposedly big ego. The Internet is a bummer. Unfortunate wording in a post and people have a completely inaccurate image of me.

 

Anyway, part of the reason I used the word below is because of how they treated me. I treat people with kindess, maintain good friendships and family relationship, interact well with coworkers and people in general. The people who I'm talking about can't maintain many relationships and generally treat people poorly. I'm working on my issues and why I got attached to people like this in the first place. I should have asked this GENERAL question because I'm wondering what happens on the side of the manipulator when they are involved with someone who clearly could do better and I do NOT mean for shallow reasons. I bring up looks because sadly... They matter. But that's really not what my general question was about.

 

 

Dating is about looks but it is also about attitude. And if you consider yourself better than someone else - whatever the reason - then it's going to be a problem and it is going to push people away.

 

No one wants to spend their trying to meet their SO's bigger than life standards when being in a relationship is all about loving someone for who they are.

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I do think that. I'm kind and warm and good to other people and for those reasons i DO think I'm better. I certainly didn't at the beginning when I didn't realize what kind of person/people I was getting involved with. I had rose colored glasses on about who they really were.

 

 

If you are kind and warm and good and they are mean, cold and bad, sure you are better than them.

 

If you make more money, think you are more beautiful (because you know eye of the beholder and such), believe you have a better social position than them (which is also relative) and you are healthier than them, and look down on them because of it, you are shallow.

 

Deep down, you know which one you are and no amount of justifying on here is going to change that. (disclaimer: I am NOT implying you are one or the other.)

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I have my **** together and make a good partner does not equal ego issues. I have a realistic view of myself and know I can do better than people who treated me poorly and had problems in several areas of their lives.

 

OP, please don't take this the wrong way, but you clearly don't have your sh** together. Not internally anyway. If you did, you would not have let these guys treat you poorly, nor would you have stuck around and kept going back to them. They only treated you like this because YOU let them. If you can do better, then do better. Stop going out with less attractive guys that have problems.

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