discouraged Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 hey there, i need some help if anyone out there can give me any advice. here's my issue: i have been with my girlfriend for around 7 months now, and when things are good, they are really good. I totally love her and love being around her, and she seems to feel the same. but the problem is that we never seem to do anything with anyone else anymore...i still barely know her friends or family, and we hardly ever hang out with her friends. this makes it hard for us to find time to spend with each other because she usually ends up doing something with her friends on the weekend and i don't get invited or she is working. so i mean this is either because her friends dont like me or she has more fun going out when i'm not around is what i'm thinking. what do i do about this? she knows that it annoys me that we don't see each other as much as i would like, so why can't she hang out with me AND her friends? why does there have to be such a distinction between the two? how do i get her to tell me the real reason that she doesn't go out places with me much anymore? thanks a bunch for any responses. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Has she always kept your relationship and her social life separate and apart, or is this a recent occurrence? Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Are her friends only girlfriends or there are guys as well? Perhaps she is worried you won't like *them*. Perhaps she is afraid that you'll be attracted to one of her female friends. perhaps there is something fishy going on. perhaps her friends were the main reason why her and an ex broke up. Perhaps she is a different person with you and with them....NOT to be intended in a negative way...and she might be embarassed if her friends see how she is like when she is with you, or vice versa. Perhaps when they go out togeter there is a 'no boyfriend' rule. Haven't you asked her why exactly she does not want you to meet her friends? What explanation did she give you? What about your friends? Does she know them, does she hang out with you and your buddies? Link to post Share on other sites
Author discouraged Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO Has she always kept your relationship and her social life separate and apart, or is this a recent occurrence? not really, i mean i have met her friends, and in the beginning most of the time that we saw each other was when it was like her and her friends were going out someplace, and she invited me and my friends to come too. that doesn't seem to happen much anymore....and if it does its just me that is invited, not my and my friends. but she has always had times where she would do things with her friends and not invite me, it just seems like its more so now. and i understand that everyone needs their own space, but this is not cool....i mean we aren't seeing each other as much as i feel we should (like once a week during the week usually is about it) and that could totally be different if she hung out with me and her friends at the same time. is that too much to ask do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author discouraged Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by Adunaphel Are her friends only girlfriends or there are guys as well? Perhaps she is worried you won't like *them*. Perhaps she is afraid that you'll be attracted to one of her female friends. perhaps there is something fishy going on. perhaps her friends were the main reason why her and an ex broke up. Perhaps she is a different person with you and with them....NOT to be intended in a negative way...and she might be embarassed if her friends see how she is like when she is with you, or vice versa. Perhaps when they go out togeter there is a 'no boyfriend' rule. Haven't you asked her why exactly she does not want you to meet her friends? What explanation did she give you? What about your friends? Does she know them, does she hang out with you and your buddies? well, she knows my friends better than i know hers, and whenever i am doing something with them i always invite her unless i know she is working or whatever, and i just think that she should do the same. i have met her friends, but only really a few times. and i'm sure she's not worried about me liking one of them, she is not at all a jealous person, though i am. most of her friends are girls......there is only the occasional guy that i know of.... there is a possibility of the "no boyfriend" thing, but thats ridiculous, i dont think that you can expect to be in a relationship with someone if you can't even go out with them becuase you're friends don't want any boyfriends around..... i know that girls like to have their "girls night out" type of thing, but its totally killing our relationship becuase she is always busy with either them or work or school..... i make her a priority before my friends 9 times out of 10, why can't she at least try to do that as well. or is that too demanding? Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Maybe she doesnt think they want to go out with her and her bf all the time, and they give her a hard time for not spending quality time with them. On the other hand, maybe she just wants to keep her social life instead of sinking into couplehood and not doing things with others like a lot of couples tend to do. Link to post Share on other sites
DJ_Dork Posted October 13, 2004 Share Posted October 13, 2004 Dude, I've been in a relationship like this before. I never liked it because it felt like I wasn't a part of her life. It could be a whole bunch of reasons you've come up with (She doesn't want to alienate her friends, She values her friends more than you, She doesn't want others to know of you and her, etc) This is what I have to say. I like dating girls that include me in their social engagements and allow me to "share" my friends activities with her. Seems like you've probably brought this up before and she isn't doing anything about it. That's pretty self-centered .. I'd ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship where your girl doesn't include you on fun events. If you haven't brought it up, do it now. And be persistant but not whiny about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author discouraged Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by babybear Maybe she doesnt think they want to go out with her and her bf all the time, and they give her a hard time for not spending quality time with them. On the other hand, maybe she just wants to keep her social life instead of sinking into couplehood and not doing things with others like a lot of couples tend to do. thanks a lot for the reply. it could be that she doesn't wanna become one of those "not fun" attached girls who doesn't ever go out anymore, but i mean i am totally willing to go out anywhere with her...i would actually rather do that than sit at home so that wouldn't make a lot of sense to me really. i want to be able to do things with other people more, not just this sitting at home stuff. but i will keep this in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author discouraged Posted October 13, 2004 Author Share Posted October 13, 2004 Seems like you've probably brought this up before and she isn't doing anything about it. That's pretty self-centered .. I'd ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship where your girl doesn't include you on fun events. If you haven't brought it up, do it now. And be persistant but not whiny about it. thanks for the info, but how can i be persistant about it and not come off as whining? sometimes i don't even wanna bring it up cuz i think it'll get her mad or something which i know is not the right way to solve anything, but its hard to talk about it without running the risk of a fight. Link to post Share on other sites
winnieloveshunny Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 It may be possible that she's worried that either you or her friends may feel uncomfortable. It may be hard for her to not make either party feel left out when she is out with all of you. Somehow it is not easy to spend quality time with either her friends or you in this way. When they are talking about things which you are not sure of, she may be worried that you will feel left out. When she always stick around you in the group, her friends may tease the both of you about being too lovey-dovey. Link to post Share on other sites
Author discouraged Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 Originally posted by winnieloveshunny It may be possible that she's worried that either you or her friends may feel uncomfortable. It may be hard for her to not make either party feel left out when she is out with all of you. Somehow it is not easy to spend quality time with either her friends or you in this way. When they are talking about things which you are not sure of, she may be worried that you will feel left out. When she always stick around you in the group, her friends may tease the both of you about being too lovey-dovey. this sounds like it is definitely a possibility, since there has been a few times that i have been out with them and either i've totally felt un-included or they have bugged her about being "all over me" but i guess the final question is this: do i take this as it is and accept that this is how it is or do i bring it up in hopes that i will actually be able to spend time with her and her friends? is it normal to be in a relationship with someone and not hang out with their friends? cuz i kinda feel like its not, but i dunno. my friends don't really have a problem with my girlfriend being around, i still get to hang out with them and i still get to see her.... is it just different with girls or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 It sounds and looks to me like you both want different kinds of relationships. She's fine with the casual kind of relationship and you want more. If it has become more apparent recently, her distance, then she's probably grown apart from you and is content with how things are with you guys now. The fact that you're not happy is something that you need to address with her. Approach her and tell her you'd like to have a heart to heart with her. Tell her that you've noticed you're spending less time together and you would prefer to be included more in her life. Tell her you want more of a committment. Ask her if this is what she wants. If she says she's happy with how things are then you need to seriously evaluate whether you can stay in a situation where the other person doesn't want as much as you. Good luck and as long as you approach this honestly and openly, I don't see how a fight could ensue if she's understanding. If you guys do end up fighting over this then that's a sign right there that things are on the way out. Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 Well I hardly every saw my ex's friends when we were dating. We tried at first but I really didn't get on with them and the feeling was returned. Some of her friends stopped talking to her over this and well it drove us apart. That was only a few months into the relationship. Well at that point she just stopped inviting me out with her friends and I knew why, it didn't affect us that much though I usually only got to see her one night at the weekend and her friends would get the other night with her. I really suggest you just come out and ask her why. Try and ask casually. Maybe invite her out with your friends and then after your done doing whatever it is you could possibly ask why you never seem to be doing things with her friends. Link to post Share on other sites
winnieloveshunny Posted October 14, 2004 Share Posted October 14, 2004 I think you should mention again to her that you guys have not been spending much time together lately. Of course your intention is not to stop her from spending time with her friends, but try to work something out. For example, she can fix a day when she will keep it just for the both of you. If it is not possible, how about doing each of your own activities separately, such as meeting your respective bunch of friends, before the both of you meet up later in the day? is it normal to be in a relationship with someone and not hang out with their friends? cuz i kinda feel like its not, but i dunno. Yes, it is normal to be in a relationship with someone and not hang out with their friends. I mean, her friends should know you and have met you before and hopefully, you guys are on friendly terms. But that does not mean you are included in their clique you see. You are just their friend's boyfriend so do not expect to be included in all their activities. The girls will want to spend some quality time together, catching up and stuffs. It's hard to do these things when someone outside their clique is around you see. Same case for the guys. my friends don't really have a problem with my girlfriend being around, i still get to hang out with them and i still get to see her.... is it just different with girls or what? Yes, your friends don't really have a problem with your girlfriend being around. But try bringing your girlfriend along all the time, whenever you meet the guys. I think it may turn into a different scenario where your friends will not be too happy about it. I am sure that your girlfriend still loves you but everyone still need to leave some time to other people in their lives. Just treasure the time that the both of you are spending together. Maybe you can do little things like picking her up from work and stuffs? That's spending time together too and I bet she will really appreciate your effort and put in a little extra effort on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author discouraged Posted October 14, 2004 Author Share Posted October 14, 2004 thanks a lot to all that have tried to help me with this...i really really appreciate it. I still am not really sure what to do about it, but things have become clearer than they were after getting some outside opinions. winnieloveshunny, you have definitely helped me out, thanks so much for the input. Link to post Share on other sites
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