Dating this girl, some things came up. Just my insecurities or?

[kidinfo1]

Okay, so let me start of by saying it's been about a year and a half since my last relationship. It lasted 5 years and it was a horrible one. Which I have finally come to terms with. We shouldn't of been together. She was awful to me (never wanted to see / talk to me, cheated, etc), and I have identified that I have some insecurities as a result of that relationship. So if you guys think these concerns about my current one are only that, feel free to tell me.

 

So I've recently become involved with this new girl, who I have been friends with for a very long time, and who was always there for me when I was having trouble with my ex. She broke up with her bf just recently. Usually, we could never get the timing right (id go back to my ex, or if I was single she'd be in a relationship) but the time seemed perfect now. Everything is going great and she is everything my ex wasn't, but some things concern me, and after what I went through, I'm not trying to waste anymore time with someone who I find out doesn't deserve it in the future. What bothers me is, she seems to nice to this guy who is obviously in love with her, and her and her ex communicate a little bit (she is in the process of paying him back for something so she needs to be)

 

The 1st guy is a guy she works with. Hell text her friendly things which was fine and never really bothered me, but just recently he confessed how strongly he feels for her. She did say she was flattered and she values their friendship, but she is currently involved with someone. He texted her back some bs on how he still wants to get to know her blah blah. And I don't know what she said to that yet, as she hasn't told me (I don't pry or sneak of course, she openly tells me this stuff and shows me without me even asking)

 

The 2nd is her ex, and she filled me in on that. He was talking about the money and asked how she was doing, then she asked the same to him. Mentioned some inside joke, and sent him a picture of her pet. They had some laughs and a little other small talk, and after that he replied with someone thing that didn't keep the convo going so she didn't go any further either.

 

I mean I totally appreciate that she tells me and doesn't hide anything, but I just don't know if it's worth me getting all bent out of shape. Like I said, I am aware of my insecurities so I'm sure this is what they are, and I am trying to work on them. But do you guys see it the same way? Is it just my insecurities or should I be worried?

Edited October 1, 2014 by kidinfo1

[Diezel]

So she is talking to you, her ex, and some other guy at the same time?

[kidinfo1]

Well it's not like they text all the time, she only texts them if they text her first.

 

The 1st guy she only answers when he text her. A lot of the time she doesn't, and she stop texting him back

 

She says sometimes she feels bad and doesn't want to be a bitch

 

The ex she also doesn't communicate with unless he hits her up, but it's usually about the loan she owes him. And sometimes it runs onto casual convo that doesn't last long

 

Is this something I should be concerned about?

She does treat me well. And I really would hate to break something off that could be great.

[Diezel]

If this bothers you NOW, it's never going to change and ALWAYS is going to bother you.

 

You decide what is more important to you and what outweighs the other more: the positives or the negatives.

[kidinfo1]

I guess it wouldn't bother me if I can figure out if this is something I should worry about.

 

I mean she seems to genuinely love and care about me and is happy to see me and gets excited when I'm around. Which is something I'm not used to and id hate to give that up.

 

And I appreciate that she tells me about this stuff and doesn't hide it from me.

 

I just don't want my insecurities to mess up a good thing

 

In your opinion, is it something worth worrying about?

[Jules Dash]

There are no clear right or wrong answers here. You have to do what is right for you. I will just tell you how I generally look at such a situation.

 

1. Whenever I am in a committed relationship, I don't go around communicating with my exes and women who obviously have a crush on me. I just wouldn't want my woman to have to deal with the anxiety of me possibly hooking up with the person in either situation. I just don't think it would be fair to her.

 

2. On the other hand, I would not feel comfortable with my GF communicating with her exes or someone who has a crush on her as well. I think it is a gateway to things crossing the line. What is next, me showing up at my GFs house and finding her ex sleeping on her couch because she let him sleep over because he was too drunk to drive home after visiting a local bar? If I accept that then would he be in her bed the next time? I like to draw the line somewhere and I like that line to be a comfortable distance from gray areas.

 

 

In any event, this situation has to be handled in a very delicate manner.

[Gloria25]

Ahhh....women..

 

I do get where she's doing the whole "I don't wanna be mean" thing....I also think so far she's handled it appropriately with the first guy (by letting him know she's involved with someone.

 

About the ex, well, again, being friendly is ok...

 

But, I really think she needs to take it up a notch if these guys keep on contacting her.

 

Maybe she could like hand the phone to you if they text and you could be like "I'm so and so, and she's in the shower right now"...Maybe after you do that a couple of times, they'll move on.

[kidinfo1]

I appreciate the replies everyone. The one thing that is making me struggle with talking to her about this is, her ex boyfriend was terribly jealous. And I just don't want her to think I am either, so I'm trying hard to act like it doesn't bother me. But it really does. Especially after this.

 

I just really like her and want things to go okay. But I want to nip this in the bud if I'm gonna wind up being hurt again. I don't want to drag it on for 5 years like my last one.

 

It's so hard because she literally is everything my ex wasn't. But this is just something that is affecting me. I though it was just my insecurities, but I guess it's a little more than that after reading your opinions.

[SawtoothMars]

I guess it wouldn't bother me if I can figure out if this is something I should worry about.

I mean she seems to genuinely love and care about me and is happy to see me and gets excited when I'm around. Which is something I'm not used to and id hate to give that up.

And I appreciate that she tells me about this stuff and doesn't hide it from me.

I just don't want my insecurities to mess up a good thing

In your opinion, is it something worth worrying about?

 

I would suggest that you take the risk. If you really like this woman... just go for it and trust her.

 

If it becomes a problem down the road ask her to stop.

[longjohn]

I think if this where me and my gf was telling me she still talked to her ex and another guy that wanted her. I'd have to tell her it's me or those guys you can't have it both ways. Leaving that ex and the other guy out there unopposed is very risky. That is if you don't mind waking up one morning to being told shes leaving you!

[Diezel]

SHE says her ex-boyfriend is terribly jealous. For all you know, her ex was just like you... wondering WHY she was talking to a bunch of guys at the same time even though she was in a relationship with him.

 

Remember that, "jealous" is a relative term and is defined by whoever says the word. What is jealous to you, may not be jealous to her.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior.

 

But I also have a very low tolerance for crap like that and expect more from women interested in me.

[kidinfo1]

I think if this where me and my gf was telling me she still talked to her ex and another guy that wanted her. I'd have to tell her it's me or those guys you can't have it both ways. Leaving that ex and the other guy out there unopposed is very risky. That is if you don't mind waking up one morning to being told shes leaving you!

 

I see what you're saying.

 

I guess the thing is, she doesn't necessarily talk to them everyday, it's like once in awhile if they text her.

 

And like I said she needs to deal with her ex a bit since she owes him some money that she is currently in the process of paying back

 

But it's not like a daily thing which is the good part.

The fact that it's actually happening is the bad part :/

[kidinfo1]

I mean isn't the fact that she's telling me about this and showing me the messages without me asking a good sign?

 

It's not like she's hiding them

[Haerts]

I would suggest that you take the risk. If you really like this woman... just go for it and trust her.

 

If it becomes a problem down the road ask her to stop.

 

This.

 

Unfortunately, we never know what's going on and our insecurities will ALWAYS play a role in whatever relationship we have and it's not like it's a bad thing, it's just that you've been hurt in the past and you obviously don't want to be hurt again (that happens in other parts of life too, not only relationships). However, you have no option other than trust that girl. Set your mind free of these worries, try to focus on something else and enjoy the moments you are both together. Right now you have two options:

 

1) Leave her because you're scared and never know whether it was all your insecurities taking you over or if she was indeed a bitch (and live wondering what could've been if you didn't give up);

2) Continue and see how it goes.

 

If it gets bad, at the point you can't take it anymore, you should just talk to her and try to figure out a way to stop it. If there's nothing to be done, then you end it.

 

But right now, from what I can see, you're just letting your insecurities play the starring role in your life. Don't let that happen. Isn't she being fantastic to you? Keep doing that in return and if for some reason it doesn't go well, it just didn't, eventually you'll get over and find somebody new. Easier said than done, but deep down you know it works like that.

 

Best of luck for you both!

[mightycpa]

I'd be more worried about guy #1, and specifically this:

 

She did say she was flattered and she values their friendship, but she is currently involved with someone.

She may have said that to be nice, but the right answer would have been

 

You know I think you're a really great guy, but I don't like you that way. I see you as a friend and I would never want to ruin our friendship.

If he keeps on texting her in an effort to wear her down, maybe you can subtly bring this up as a better way to get him to back off.... as if you're both partners in letting him down easy. You can judge her response to this clear message. If she's game, you're probably in good shape.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you should make it clear you don't approve. Her behavior is bordering on disrespectful - and no woman can love a man she doesn't respect. She has no reason to be texting with the "friend". The ex she owes money? She can keep those communications to the loan repayment topic. I wouldn't stand for this from a romantic partner, male or female.