Virgin by choice

[Hesjustnotthatin2u]

Every time I start dating a new guy, I feel like there's this big skeleton in the closest that I have to bring up that can make or break where it's going to go.

I am a 25 year old virgin. This is by choice. I am choosing to wait until marriage and I feel very strongly about my decision. When I was younger, it was easier. Sometimes, I even met guys who were still virgins too. But as I get older, it gets harder to find someone that is going to accept that, let alone support me in it. Is it easy? Hell no. Do I have the same feelings and hormones as other 25 year olds? Of course I do. But it is a choice I made and I don't plan on changing it. I always bring it up within the first couple of dates because I realize some guys won't bother dating a girl if he 'can't get his sexual needs satisfied'. That's fine, I don't care. So I don't want to waste my time or his. It's awkward to bring it up in the beginning, but I don't want to bring it up 6 months later after feelings have arised and he is confused as anything as he's trying to get in my pants. I have been on a couple dates in the last year or so where the guys responds with, 'I totally respect that'. And then I don't hear from them anymore or it seems they've lost interest. Other guys have stuck around but still pushed the boundaries quickly after. I think some guys just take it as a challenge.

Tell me, are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I respect that', and MEAN it?

I was once told a couple years ago by a coworker, that if he wasn't getting it from me, he was cheating and getting it elsewhere whether I wanted to believe it or not. That's forever stayed in my head. I hope that's not true. I really do want to believe that there are still guys out there willing to wait.

[heartshaped]

If you are religious, I would try dating religious men who have the same ideals as you.

 

I think there are men out there that would respect your ideals, but I think things would go smoother if you found someone who shared your ideals.

[mongo]

why do you even want to do such a thing? marriage is overrated bs...and please dont say its for religious/moral reasons because thats nonsense. to answer your question no there arent any men who will really respect that. sex is a basic human need...dont shame men for needing it. they will get it elsewhere if you with hold it, same goes with women.

i know if a 25 year old woman told me she was a virgin, that would be a red flag on fire.

[Enema]

Tell me, are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I respect that', and MEAN it?

 

Of course, and it sounds like you've met some.

 

But, respecting your decision doesn't mean they agree with it or want to subject themselves to it.

 

You've severely limited your own dating pool by making this decision, it's probably even limited your choices more than being a single mother.

 

It's going to be a very rough road, good luck.

[Haerts]

To be quite honest, yes, they're having affairs. I mean, sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. Most guys who have experienced it simply won't stop it for a woman who only wants to have sex after marriage, 'cause they don't want to go years and years without sex when they're used to have it every now and then. That's the reality nowadays.

 

However, heartshaped brought up a great option; try to find guys who share the same interests as you. It's not easy and as you get older, it will only become harder, but it's not impossible either. See if there are groups in your town about it, I don't know. There has to be a way, but I'm making clear to you it won't be easy.

 

Not going to judge your decision because well, that's your decision. It's awesome that you're that strong about it, but be aware of the consequences.

[frozengirl]

I am a 27 year old Virgin and like you I too am waiting for marriage to have sex. I have made this my choice as well as a mature young women. If you find a guy who respects you I am sure he will be willing to wait it out.

[stillcold]

I'm a male and I too am a virgin by choice. Your best bet is to find someone who shares your same ideals as the first poster said or else you're going to have a rough time since most people in this day and age consider sex mandatory before marriage. As a male, I can tell you that the average man will not wait for you unless he too has chosen to wait by his own accord. You need to narrow down your search and go to places where people share the same ideas as you. Question: do you adhere to any of the faiths (Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc.)?

 

I was once told a couple years ago by a coworker, that if he wasn't getting it from me, he was cheating and getting it elsewhere whether I wanted to believe it or not. That's forever stayed in my head. I hope that's not true. I really do want to believe that there are still guys out there willing to wait.

 

It's true for the average man. There are guys out there willing to wait--I am one of them--but they have chosen to do so by their own will and not someone else's will. Sure, there's a chance that there will be a non-virgin guy that will wait for you but again, the probability of it happening is low to very low in this day and age.

 

In the end, if you are a virgin then you SHOULD marry a virgin. It doesn't make sense to marry a non-virgin since it defeats the purpose of you even being one: to share an intimate act between only two people. Moral of the story: don't give up your virginity OP, there are guys out there willing to wait for a girl like you but you just need more time to find them. Sex in this day and age is so misused that it sometimes makes me laugh, case-in-point: I know of many people who have sex after two or three dates then later they are still unsure whether or not it's "going anywhere" or the interest is mutual, I mean comon... how illogical is that lol.

[carhill]

Tell me, are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I respect that', and MEAN it?

 

These days, very few. I was an oddball back in my generation at that age and, additionally, not being aligned with a religion which promoted such precepts, few social opportunities of that type (meeting people through places of worship) occurred.

 

My best advice would be to hang out with like-minded people, whether currently married or single. Usually, it's through such networks, in any case, that you meet potentially like-minded mates.

 

Back in the day when people supposedly 'waited for sex' until marriage, most people got married quite young and with relatively brief courtships. Heck, even in my generation, most of the young people in my area were getting married before they were 20.

 

Lastly, for those who don't wait, and have been sexually active for a number of years, which is likely most young men you'll meet, they simply have little interest in waiting. To them, sex is like a normal part of interacting with any woman who's not a platonic friend.

 

I think, with a compatible social circle, you'll do fine. Your dating pool with be markedly thinner than if you didn't have your perspective about virginity and marriage, but that's OK. It'll just take longer. That's the trade-off.

[Assasda]

I dont see the reason for telling guys this on the 2nd date.

It seems something like your hung up about.

 

If youre the one hung up about it, guys will be hung up about it too.

[quidproquo89]

obviously you've made your choice and I think that's great. But, we live in the 21st century and its the norm for people to have sex before marriage, its part of knowing whether you are compatible and enjoying your life before the heaviness of marriage.

 

I think your choice; which is admirable, is dramatically reducing your chances of meeting somebody. Like a needle in a haystack. Could it be that you are missing out on some great people, and possibly people that are right for you because of this choice.

 

Like others have said, looking in the right places like church is the way to go.

Without being too personal, do you mind if I ask why you have to be married before sex? Seems quite archaic to me, no disrespect intended at all.

[LoneIsland]

Tell me, are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I respect that', and MEAN it?

 

Possible but unlikely. Sex and the associated connection that men need is a natural hunger. If unfulfilled, it disrupts their lives.

 

Same as if you ask: are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I don't need food and water.' The answer again is, possible but unlikely.

 

You are correct to let people know up front. It is a severe constraint on their natural make up. Personally I don't believe you should even go on a date before making people aware of what you are looking for. Shallow though they are, men have to sweat for their money. If they spend that on you, they have less to spend on the woman who is able to accept their, shall we say, deficiency.

Edited October 1, 2014 by LoneIsland

[mightycpa]

Tell me, are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I respect that', and MEAN it?

 

Of course there are. But in general, they either too timid, or are "too nice" to women, and they have trouble getting/maintaining any kind of relationship. They bemoan the fact that most women don't get/don't stay interested. While they would probably be as loyal as a good dog, there are parts of their personalities that would not allow a marriage to thrive.

 

I'm just curious, how long will you wait? There are a lot of men who wouldn't marry someone who doesn't sleep with them before marriage, so in effect, you've circumscribed your dating pool pretty severely, making your chances of finding a husband smaller than they have to be. In the end, this could mean you won't find someone who would otherwise be very suitable.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that if you've made this decision for life, I guess that's one thing. But if you see yourself crumbling at the age of 50, or 40, or even 30, then you might as well get to it now. Just a thought.

[Toodaloo]

I think you need to change where you meet these men.

 

Try the Christian dating sites etc.

 

Yes there are plenty who will respect your feelings but perhaps you should also respect that many men (and women) have absolutely no intention of marrying with out sex first.

 

For me it would be like purchasing a car with out a test drive.

 

Suggest you get more involved with your local church or something so you can meet more people with similar views.

[smackie9]

This topic always seems to come up and the same answers apply, get connected with others that hold this same value, simple as that. Whether it's through, a church group, or a Christian dating site. What you are looking for is very specific, so there is no point in dating the average guy that has always had sex. And sure they can they respect your choice, but you need to respect their rejection.

[LoneIsland]

For me it would be like purchasing a car with out a test drive.

 

At least with a car, you get a written warranty. But with women, if it turned out "product not as described", what is a man to do ?

[TheyCallMeOx]

Respect is an attitude, not an action.

 

The world consists of such a diverse population of human beings; you're BOUND to find someone with similar views. There ARE, in fact, men who are choosing to wait till marriage, just like there were women out there who are choosing to have sex with as many dudes as possible. Neither choices are innately better than the other; it is subjective to the individual. What is best for you isn't best for someone else.

 

And that's okay, because who is really the most important person in your life, anyway? You are. You don't need to justify, or feel bad for the decisions you commit to. Staying a virgin is a huge commitment, and if that's the path you want to take in life, that's perfectly fine. People are losing their virginity at younger and younger ages, and you can bet that being a virgin is more of a rarity. However, rarity doesn't mean the same thing to everybody. It entirely depends on the person's viewpoint on the significance of it.

 

A lot of guys feel that a virgin woman is no more than foreplay to them. It's not "special," but more like an obstacle during sex. Some guys feel that having sex with a virgin is a "special" experience, but special as in "I'm about to have sex with a virgin! Nice!" However, very few men consider it the type of bonding experience that women that are virgin by choice are looking for.

 

The ones who do want to share that bond are out there, but you're focusing your attention on certain fish rather than the entire sea. And that's okay. We've all got deal-breakers and requirements in people, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, if you expect to catch a certain fish, you better have the right hook. Otherwise, you're going to do a lot of waiting. Men can be virgin by choice, and it's equally difficult. Your best option to get that kind of bonding experience you probably want is through another male virgin. Unfortunately, it's hard to tell whether a male is virgin "by choice" or "because he can't get laid." Some males will lie about it because they'll feel degraded if they say "I'm a virgin because I can't get laid." The ones who are usually virgins by choice are usually in some kind of church setting. Not always, but that's the best place to look. You may find a dude who is a virgin by choice and NOT religious, but you're going to have to cycle through the incompatible ones to get to the compatible ones.

 

And I assure you...the most respectful thing a non-virgin male can do is to let you go and find a dude more compatible with you. Waiting till marriage is all fine and dandy, but you need to understand that marriage is usually not right around the corner for some relationships. Even if a relationship initially seems perfect and that's it's going to last forever, there's not a guarantee. Some people wait years and years to get married. Some "successful" relationships don't make it to marriage. Since marriage isn't guaranteed, it is a huge risk. What if I spend a couple years in a relationship with a woman, but we never make it to marriage? I just wasted a couple of years of abstinence for seemingly nothing. How do you think I'd feel if I were to pursue another virgin woman? She'd get the short end of the stick, and it wouldn't be fair. It's all about being consistent. If I was guaranteed to marry a woman, I would wait till marriage for her; however, there is none. No matter how confident I may feel, it's not always about what I feel, but what she feels. Each side has a reason for believing in the things they believe, and that's okay. What is important is what you believe. People can respect your choices, but that doesn't mean they have to agree or go along with it; nor should they expect you to do the same. Immerse yourself in people who share your beliefs, and stay away from the people who don't. This is not a moral issue or anything like that; it's just an incompatibility issue because you find your virginity to be rather important, and want to find someone to feel the same way.

 

It might be harder to find them, but who knows? Maybe it'll be worth the wait. Maybe it won't. Do what matters in your heart, and stay strong.

[smackie9]

At least with a car, you get a written warranty. But with women, if it turned out "product not as described", what is a man to do ?

 

You can get rid of both just the same. If you are unsatisfied you can get a different one, there is no permanent commitment.

[LoneIsland]

The best solution is to make it clear in the dating profile: "Virgin seeking virgin to remain virgin until marriage." That way nobody needs to try anything, or get confused, or demand for refunds.

[soccerguy1978]

Every time I start dating a new guy, I feel like there's this big skeleton in the closest that I have to bring up that can make or break where it's going to go.

I am a 25 year old virgin. This is by choice. I am choosing to wait until marriage and I feel very strongly about my decision. When I was younger, it was easier. Sometimes, I even met guys who were still virgins too. But as I get older, it gets harder to find someone that is going to accept that, let alone support me in it. Is it easy? Hell no. Do I have the same feelings and hormones as other 25 year olds? Of course I do. But it is a choice I made and I don't plan on changing it. I always bring it up within the first couple of dates because I realize some guys won't bother dating a girl if he 'can't get his sexual needs satisfied'. That's fine, I don't care. So I don't want to waste my time or his. It's awkward to bring it up in the beginning, but I don't want to bring it up 6 months later after feelings have arised and he is confused as anything as he's trying to get in my pants. I have been on a couple dates in the last year or so where the guys responds with, 'I totally respect that'. And then I don't hear from them anymore or it seems they've lost interest. Other guys have stuck around but still pushed the boundaries quickly after. I think some guys just take it as a challenge.

Tell me, are there guys out there at 25, 26, 27, that will actually say 'I respect that', and MEAN it?

I was once told a couple years ago by a coworker, that if he wasn't getting it from me, he was cheating and getting it elsewhere whether I wanted to believe it or not. That's forever stayed in my head. I hope that's not true. I really do want to believe that there are still guys out there willing to wait.

 

I'm 36 and a virgin, never came anywhere close to engaging in sexual conduct and am staunch about waiting until marriage.

[ktya]

OP, 2 things.

 

1. Read this thread here on LS. This is what a guy seeing you is going to go through if he buys into your "virgin by choice" choice. The guy in the thread absolutely adores his girlfriend but the lack of sex is killing him. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/495795-no-sexual-contact-girlfriend-getting-impatient

 

2. You dont state your reason for wanting to remain a virgin, whether its religious, waiting until marriage or you just dont want to do it. If it's the latter (and because you state "virgin by choice" as your thread title I think it might be) most men would be horrified and totally confused at the prospect of being with a girl who will never want to have sex. If its a religion or theres some yardstick thats different.

 

Personally, I'm totally in the "try before you buy" camp. I wouldn't even consider being exclusive with a woman before we've had sex at least a few times. I dated this one woman who straight up refused to even let me touch her tits or give her head before she had certified monogamy with me. I nexted her after that phone conversation and killed the second date. Not every guy is like me; but most men have a similar philosophy to varying degrees.

[Daloopa]

Compatibility is key. That is what truly matters in a relationship. Eventually you'll find someone who shares your values and respects your choices. That is what is important in a relationship.

 

A lot of guys may next you, but if they don't understand, let alone respect your values, then they aren't the right guys for you. And thats ok, each to their own. But you can create a much happier and longer lasting relationship with someone who you are compatible with.

[No Limit]

There's no shame in doing what you believe is right. Now you just need to look for the right guy in the right place; obviously you won't have any luck with the drunk one from the bar.

[LoverOfDance]

I really need people to STOP comparing sex to food and water. it is so freaking annoying. They are NOT the same thing! If you don't eat for two months, you will die. If you don't have sex for two months, life will go on and you will continue to live.

 

Sex is NOT a need! It is a desire and a want! Stop comparing food which is needed for survival to sex! They are not the same thing!

[tobrieornottobrie]

I don't think there's anything wrong with standing firm in your convictions. If someone you are dating can't respect that, then do you really want that relationship? I'll be praying that you figure it out. I'm sure there's some guy out there that will appreciate that you value yourself and your virginity.

 

~ for the love of food ~

[Elle1975]

why do you even want to do such a thing? marriage is overrated bs...and please dont say its for religious/moral reasons because thats nonsense. to answer your question no there arent any men who will really respect that. sex is a basic human need...dont shame men for needing it. they will get it elsewhere if you with hold it, same goes with women.

i know if a 25 year old woman told me she was a virgin, that would be a red flag on fire.

 

Marriage is overrated bs to you, and that's fine. To a lot of people, it isn't.

 

There are men out there that will respect that. I get that you're not one of them, but don't throw stereotypes around and call it the rule.

 

As for OP.. I would probably try dating men who share your values. That's probably the best way to deal with the skeleton in the closet, as there won't be any.