Should I continue on ?

[Dogofmatt]

Ok so this is my first time here. I'm just slowly losing hope in my relationship and I'm looking for advice. Ok. I began this relationship, we were very very happy and spent everyday with one another and did everything together.... We started in April 2013.. An around Jan. 2014; I became really bad with insecurities. During this time I had just got in a car wreck an had to get my car back and blah blah. So I was really stressed and she was there to help me get to work and do most of what I couldn't do, she paid for things I couldn't. I also paid her back for doing all this. Now I was stressed an my insecurities would make me accuse her of talking to dudes, and going through her phone, bc I couldn't find anything it was truly just my thoughts at them points. Now this has been my biggest **** up with trusting her and breaking up and getting back together the next morning (for months), it became an every other day thing till June, and she warned me if I kept breaking up and not calming down it was literally over and so it happened. Then we had became "friends" ( she wanted me to show her I could be calm) and I understood that but she also said we were workin slowly to be in a relationship. So now around the beginning of August . I would be calm and then the times I would spend at her house, we could have coitus. But she told me she would not show me affection like kissing, huggin, and I couldn't even sit next to her. So after a couple days without out affection and spending the night at her house I felt like she was just using me; but in my heart I knew she loved me and she still to this day buys me things and let's me spend the night (when she allows it). Anyways after being with her trying to be calm as in not go through her phone and not talk about being together or anything about us. Which she made a point when I'm in a friendship with her and I'm tryin to show her I am changing; she doesn't want to hear about us being together or asking anything about an "us". So feeling the way I did I got insecure, couldn't goto sleep and then went through her phone. I found that she had invited her ex-fiancée of 4yrs to spend the night. When I seen that I immediately woke her up and simply told her to take me home. I told her what I found. She started crying asking why did I go thru her phone and I didn't know who it was but I had a VERY good idea, so I asked her who it was and she would continue to say no one or it's nothing, and has nothing to do with me. She also included when she told me who it was; that she was just helpin him out bc his gma died and his mother would beat him so he called her crying, etc. So she says that she was being nice and there was no intentions of her doing anything with him. So I was like why would u do that when u know I wouldn't like that. She says me and her are just friends and it has nothing to do with me .Plus during the time of our "friendship" I got in a really bad accident and when I was at the courthouse I called her. she picked me up and let me spend the night after the fiancée thing... So days later I brought up the text from her fiancée. And she said "if it was wrong for her to let him spend the night; it would have been wrong of her to let me spend the night when I needed help. So I kept it out my head and tried to stay calm and trust her. I admit since we broke up till today I have had problems talking about "us" every other three days. (Only bc I knew I was wrong for my past actions and I just want to be in a relationship not a "friendship") she has periodically shown me affection by letting me sit next to her and watch movies and kiss sometimes, etc. everytime I talk about us she tells me I'm not changing bc I always worry about us getting back together; in turn that pushed her from showing affection again. And she said that she's not going to be in a relationship with me without me being calm/chill, and just be her friend for now.

So, last night she invited me over. And I played a game and sat with her and her lil cousin. Then at 11pm her ex out of no where came knockin on the door and the stood outside and talked for 20 mins... And the lil girl looked out the window and kept sayin "oh no this is bad" so I calmly played the game and she came back in a n just stared at me . I was like so do u want to keep playing the game. She said no she don't feel like it and asked me, why I wasn't sayin anything. So calmly we went in her room and I told her I don't want to talk about anythin anymore. If u want to be with me then do it. She said I need to see u be calm. I was like "lol this situation should show that I'm calm this is the worst case that would make me flip out and I'm calm; I'm just telling you to be with me now or lose me." And then she said I'm sorry but I need to see u change. And then asked me what if she wanted to have sex... I said " you better find someone else then, bc until we are together I'm done and I don't even want to come over. But when u are sad u can text me and I will talk to u but other than that I want no contact wit u till u want me"

 

So I told her that she should probably move on since I'm not changing in her eyes and all I do is hurt her. If she can be happy somewhere else then I'll be happy for her.

Then two days later she calls me crying saying that she gives up and she'll never get what she wants from me so I win, she continues on by saying I will be with u just calm down and stay out of my stuff and trust me, also includes I give her a couple days till we can go out. I say ok I will

Now I am with her as a friend still; I haven't been irrational yet. And we are getting along.

 

I just get feelings such as she is seeing her ex still; and she still has feelings for him.

 

I know where I'm wrong in most cases.

I Just feel the "friendship" needs to be respected as if it were a relationship, or we need to fix our problems together.

 

-I must add she has problems with showing affection other than coitus, bc of what has happened to her in the past.

 

So could someone give me advice on how I should act / what I should do.

[LostOnes05]

Listen to your lady...calm down! She has given you chance after chance. Don't blow this one. Be calm, trust her and don't let your insecurities ruin your relationship with her (whether it be friendship or more). Make her dinner or take her on a walk at sunset. Show her you care and you can be the man she needs and wants you to be. Step up to the plate bro! Best of luck!

[Assasda]

I like how you equate not being a jealous fool to trying to be calm.

hahaha thats all I have.

I couldnt read the whole thing